Living Through It
by JulesZP
Summary: A father. A daughter. An incurable disease. When life hands you an impossible path, what can you do other than follow and live through it? A story about the cruelty of terminal illness, determination and will, and ultimately triumph and inspiration
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended. Unending thanks to Susan Ashlea & Saluki168 for their beta efforts on my behalf.  
**

Chapter 1

Charles Swan was an incredible human being. He was the Chief of Police, a sports enthusiast, a wealthy man who made the conscious choice to live a humble life, and a single father. _My_ _father_.

My mother had left us both behind when I was only an infant. But, with Charlie, I never felt as though my childhood was lacking. He was there to bandage every scrape, of which there were more than a few. We shared thousands of laughs and he helped mend every broken heart. That being said, he never deprived me of learning or experience. He allowed me the freedom to live my life and make mistakes, and to live through and learn from those mistakes. He had even looked on as I married my high school sweetheart at nineteen, withholding his judgment. He was also there a year afterward as I found myself a twenty year old divorcee; I was married and divorced before I could even consume an alcoholic beverage legally.

And now, Charles Swan was gone, his life stolen from him before his time. His essence sucked dry by a dreadful illness know as Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis. ALS. Lou Gherig's disease. I wouldn't have wished it or its symptoms on my worst enemy. Watching the person I held most dear being overtaken by it had withered my twenty-five year old body into that of an elderly person.

It was a short three months after my divorce that things began to change. We had both known something was wrong when he became symptomatic. We both also avoided addressing it as long as we could. At first, there were just small indications of something being off; a sudden fall brushed off as stumbling or slightly slurred speech as if he had tossed back a couple at lunch. But I knew my father; he had a steady hand and would never drink on the job. In the very pit of my gut there was no denying that something was extremely wrong with Charlie, and I knew it was something big.

When his falls became more frequent, and his hands trembled when he lifted a spoonful of food to his lips, he had no choice but to seek out the advice of an expert. After a full year of tests and three neurologists later, we had finally received the grim diagnosis.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen was the best and warmest neurologist we had found. He handled my father, and me for that matter, with great care when relaying the news. He explained everything in as much detail as he possibly could and answered every question we asked, even if we asked it twice. He never expressed annoyance or indifference, and he treated my father like a human being rather than a pin cushion. The only thing that had irked me was when he suggested I begin looking into assisted living for my father. There was not a cell in my body that would even consider it. _I_ would care for my dad. I would never leave Charlie to die alone in some dreadful, depressing, generic building with ugly pastel artwork and strangers as bedfellows. His prognosis was three to five years. From the beginning, he was determined to outlive the odds, and he never had a defeatist attitude. He was incredibly strong; much stronger than me.

Although anyone who didn't know my father would take him for your typical blue collar, middle class man, he actually came from great wealth. His father, my grandfather, was an aerospace engineer and had run a successful, multi-million dollar company in Seattle. When he passed away, he left everything to my father-all of his assets and every dollar to his name. Charlie was his only child, making me his only grandchild, although he died before I ever formed memories of him.

Now that it was obvious his life was going to be cut short, Charlie could have retired right away; he had more money than he would ever need to live on. But, Charlie loved his job; it was his passion. He felt responsible for every deputy, and they had become his extended family. So, he didn't give up on his job right away. Instead, he resigned from active duty and remained behind a desk. His shaky hands couldn't control a gun any longer, and his legs couldn't carry him fast enough if a suspect ever gave chase. That was the very beginnings of him losing everything that made him who he was.

I soon learned that living with ALS was all about adjustments. It's an unpredictable disease, affecting each and every one of its inhabitants differently. With every added symptom came an adjustment, and with every adjustment came a battle with Charlie.

Charlie was stubborn. He wouldn't give in to anything easily. It took him falling at the station and hitting his head to finally accept that he needed to use a walker. The thing had collected dust in the three months it sat in the garage since we first received it.

Then there were the emotional effects. As he slowly began taking more and more time off from work, he also fell into a mild depression. I ached when I heard him crying in his bedroom, letting heavy sobs take over. I had never seen him so vulnerable, and I wanted to help, but I was going through emotions of my own.

After living through the first year of his diagnosis, I had no choice but to give up my job at a local travel agency. I had taken the job shortly before my divorce. My days were spent booking travel to locations that spanned the world I so desperately wanted to explore myself. But, even before he was sick, I could never bring myself to leave my father behind. Maybe I subconsciously knew he would need me and that our time was somehow limited.

Charlie was forced to retire a few short months later. His hands could barely grasp at anything; they were losing their function. His legs became heavy weights, and he got very fatigued simply walking from one room to another. We were both becoming prisoners in our small home.

One day I heard him cursing from his bathroom, and I ran in there, alarmed.

"Dad, what is it? Are you okay?"

I noticed tears were streaming down his cheeks, cutting through the shaving cream that he had put there. His hand was shaking uncontrollably, holding a razor, just below his chin.

"I can't do it Bella," he hung his head.

I swallowed the baseball-sized lump in my throat and choked back my own tears as I walked over to him.

I reached up to his hand that had frozen in mid air, attached to the arm he couldn't lift any further, and took the razor from between his fingertips. "Let me help you."

I directed him over to the toilet, where he sat down, and I began to shave his scruff with tender care. I had to be strong. I couldn't show him how it was tearing me apart on the inside. We were both silent during that time, lost in our own thoughts. I knew he felt ashamed that I had to do this for him, ashamed that he couldn't do it himself. I wanted to scream out that it didn't matter, he was still my dad. Instead, I just slowly moved the blade down his cheeks, revealing soft skin below the fragrant foam. It was another adjustment, but it it's effect was profound.

In that moment I realized a hundred things at once. Moments like that were just the beginning of what was to come. I was going to need help. I was going to have to reach out. I couldn't do this alone. He was going to deteriorate. _My dad was going to die._

Despite my moment of revelation, I put off making any decisions about it or speaking with Charlie about my concerns. We were two years into his prognosis, and it seemed as if every day brought with it a new challenge.

He could still speak, but it was hard for him to enunciate words, and when he did get them out, it sometimes sounded as if he had a mouth full of food. I was patient and took special care to understand him. That was what made this disease so cruel- Charlie still had something to say, and his mind was fully intact. The illness was trapping that acute mind inside a heavily weighed down human body.

I did everything I could to provide Charlie with what he needed, and what I thought he might enjoy. His old friend Billy from La Push reservation would come visit him, and I would catch up on everything I couldn't when I was caring for my father. Billy brought a lot of levity to the situation and was never short on the quips. He had even suggested to Charlie that they place a bet on when he would finally end up in "wheels." I was mortified at first until I watched as my dad burst into laughter. Billy was a paraplegic himself, so I think Charlie felt much more at ease in the company of his dear old friend.

I hadn't wanted to burden any of my friends with my troubles, especially since they were all off pursuing their lives outside of Forks. My closest, oldest friend was Alice Brandon. She had gone into fashion design and was currently working as a stylist in New York. She had begged me to join her after I divorced Emmett, but I refused. She had fallen in love with the city and, more recently, a man. His name was Jasper, he was southern, and he was a struggling musician living it up in New York. He sounded just like her type. I hadn't seen her for three years, but we made great use of _Yahoo Instant Messenger_. Thank goodness for modern technology; it was my only window to the outside world at the time. It also made it easier to avoid the dominating topic on my mind. I felt horrible keeping it from her, but it just sort of happened. Talking about it was acknowledging it, and I didn't want to acknowledge the monster.

One rainy day, my mood settled in with the gloomy weather, and I finally decided to pick up the phone and call her. She berated me from keeping something so colossal from her for two years. I tried to explain that I didn't want pity and neither did Charlie, but I could tell from the tone of her voice she was livid.

"Bella, you know me better than anyone! I may have a grand life here in the city, across the country, but you mean more to me than any of that. And Charlie? He's been like a father to me. I am packing my bags and booking a ticket out there immediately." Her voice was sharp and stinging.

"You don't have to do that Alice."

"Oh really, Bella? How can I trust that you will let me know when I need to be there? You are my best friend, and that will never change, but you frustrate me." She let out a heavy sigh on the other end of the line, and I could practically see her rolling her eyes, shaking her free hand in a fist.

"I'm sorry Alice, I should have told you right away. I didn't call you to fight, I just...well...I just really needed a friend." I tried to keep my tone repentant.

"It's a good thing I love you so much Bella. You have my forgiveness. Now, let it out sister. Tell me everything."

Three hours later, my ear was hurting and my arm was sore from holding onto the phone. The flood gates had opened, and everything came tumbling out of me. We cried, we laughed, we reminisced. It was such a relief to share everything with someone, and I realized I should have done it a long time ago. Alice agreed not to hop on a plane as long as I promised to call her with updates and just to talk. It was at this point in my life when I realized who my true friends were.

Not ten minutes after I hung up the phone with Alice, it buzzed again in my pocket.

Without looking to see who was calling, I answered, assuming it was her again. "What, did we forget to cover something?" I laughed into the phone.

"Iz," his voice was deep and concerned. There was only one person who had ever called me by that nickname.

"Emmett?" Although we divorced amicably, we still hadn't talked much in the last few years. He had moved to Seattle a week after everything was finalized and there hadn't been much of a reason for us to keep in touch. No pets, no kids. Hell, we didn't even own a house plant while we were married.

"Yeah. I uh- got a call from Alice. She told me what was up. I just wanted to call and let you know that I'm here if you need anything. I wish you would have told me; I hate to think about you going through all this stuff alone, Iz."

"Em, please don't guilt trip me now. Alice just found out herself. It took me two years to tell her, so don't be offended."

"I'm not offended, I'm just...worried. We went through a lot together, and even though the marriage thing didn't work out for us, I will always care about you."

"I know you will, but I'm fine right now, really. I promise. And honestly Emmett, my ear hurts from the last three hours of conversation. Can we continue this another time?"

I heard a reluctant sigh on the other end. Emmett was a good guy, a really, really good guy. We had just married too young, blinded by our own ignorance and affection for each other. It seemed as soon as the reception had ended, the fairytale turned to shit and reality set in. I was the one who brought up divorce, and I knew how much it hurt him. But, in the end, it was the right thing to do.

"Yeah Iz, call me when you're up for it. Please, give Charlie my love."

"Will do, Em. Take care of yourself and have a good night."

"I'll try. Goodnight, Iz."

And with that, the phone clicked on the other end.

That night was the first night I made forward progression in accepting what was ahead.

Six months later, I had spoken with Alice regularly, Emmett a couple of times, and the ALS was rearing its ugly head again. It scared me shitless. The first time it happened, Charlie and I were sitting at the dinner table. He had just ingested a mouthful of mashed potatoes when he started choking. It was loud and his body lurched forward violently. I was CPR certified and knew how to perform the Heimlich maneuver, but it didn't make sense. Mashed potatoes were soft and would disintegrate, not get stuck in his throat. He waved me off frantically when I got up out of my chair and approached him. I stood there, frozen, not knowing what to do. It seemed like minutes passed but it was probably only seconds, when he began to catch his breath again. I let out the breath that had been trapped in my lungs the entire time.

I called Dr. Cullen's answering service and left a message that we needed an appointment the following day. I wasn't prepared for that. I was far from prepared for that. I paced in my room, my brow furrowed because I was really frightened by the situation and my inability to handle it. I heard Charlie call me. I needed a moment, I had to have some time to breathe, time to figure everything out. But he needed me. He always needed me, and in some ways I resented him for it. It wasn't his fault though, and somewhere, buried deep inside, was the understanding I was so desperately craving. But, it would have to wait because I had to go to him.

I straightened my expression and walked out of my room and downstairs to my needy father. I was a twenty-four year old parent of a dying man who I loved more than anyone.

When I made my way to his side, I saw that he looked downtrodden. "I'm sorry Bella," he eked out.

"Don't be sorry dad. I was just scared, that's all."

He took in a struggled breath and spoke again. "You need to live your life Bella. This is not right for you to have to care for me. I'm worried about you." He panted, out of breath from speaking.

"Dad, you are my life."

He nodded his head, lacking the energy to carry off any more protests.

That night I slept heavily and dreamlessly. I woke up with a start when I heard the phone ringing.

It was Dr. Cullen's office. They could squeeze us in at eleven, so I booked the appointment.

The sleep was rejuvenating and necessary for my sanity. I hadn't slept that well in quite some time. My body was riddled with fatigue; my mind refused to shut down.

Insomnia is a bitch.

At the appointment we explained what had occurred the evening before, and the good doctor broke it down for us. The disease was affecting the function of his esophagus. His food would need to be eaten in small bites and he would require another pill. He was up to seven by that time, and I was sure it wouldn't stop there.

Dr. Cullen decided to examine Charlie afterward so I stepped out into the waiting room. It was thirty minutes before Dr. Cullen came back out, a look of a concern wearing on his otherwise angelic face.

"Bella, may I speak with you for a moment?"

"What is it? Please tell me Charlie is okay." I felt the seeds of panic start to sprout.

He put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "Bella, physically your father is okay, despite the progression. However, there is something that is stressing the situation. He's worried about _you."_

His eyes pierced mine, and I found a measure of comfort in them. He continued before I could respond. "Bella, why don't you come into my office? Charlie is dressing in the examination room, and I would like to discuss something with you."

I nodded and followed him back to his office.

"I don't mean to stress him Dr. Cullen, but I can't leave him. I'm afraid to turn my back at this point."

"Everything you are going through is natural, of course. I understand that you don't want your father to be in assisted living but there are other options. With the appropriate means you can secure a private nurse to come into your home and help care for your father."

"I would have no idea how to go about that, and I don't know if Charlie would be comfortable with a stranger in our house."

"Actually, I asked him about it, and he thought it sounded like a good option. He explained to me that cost wouldn't be an issue. Bella, if you try and take this on by yourself, I fear you will both suffer the consequences."

"Well, how would I go about finding a private nurse?"

"Actually, I have one in mind. I think he would be quite a good fit."

"_He_?" For some reason I couldn't disassociate the word "nurse" with "female," stupid stereotypical portrayals. Duh. There were lots of male nurses.

"Yes..._he_." Thankfully the good doctor chuckled. "His name is Edward Cullen and he is my son. He prefers private care but that type of employment is not always easy to secure. I recommend him for his skill, not just because he is my son," he said, his eyes piercing mine.

He scribbled a phone number down on a piece of note paper and handed it to me.

"When you're ready."

That was how Edward Cullen made his subtle entrance into my life.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

After our appointment with Dr. Cullen, I tucked the phone number away in my desk and forgot about it. I didn't feel the need to set anything up in the immediate future.

Charlie, of course, was ostensibly determined not to let the subject go. While sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast one morning, he brought it up.

"Bella, we really need to talk." His speech was clearer that day; perhaps that was why he decided to seize the moment.

"About what dad?"

"I want to call Dr. Cullen's son." He took a shallow breath before continuing, "We can't hide from this anymore, Bells. And, quite frankly, I don't want to."

"I just don't think it's necessary at this point. We've adjusted to your latest symptoms pretty well, don't you think?"

"You're my daughter, through and through. Your stubbornness comes straight from me, so I get ya'. Thing is, I want to see my friends, and I want you to see your friends." His breathing steadily became more labored with every word he spoke.

"My friends aren't here anymore. Alice is in New York, Angela and Ben are in Chicago, and Em-"

"Enough Bella. Enough. If your friends are gone, make new ones. Or, better yet, go visit them," he lectured.

"I can't leave you; you know that."

"And now we have come full circle. We need to consider what Dr. Cullen suggested. In the meantime, prepare for more visitors. I've opened the door to everyone. I'm not wasting time anymore. If you don't call the nurse, I will. Oh, and the guys down at the station are planning on taking me on a fishing trip."

I started to open my mouth in protest, but Charlie shook his head.

"I'm going and I don't need your permission. You're the child remember?"

Though I was hardly a child anymore, his straight forward words had dumbfounded me. I was shocked into submission. Having cared for him for nearly three years, I had inadvertently developed a motherly tendency towards him.

"Okay, I'll make the call."

He only nodded, looking fatigued by the energy he had just expended.

"So when is this fishing trip?" I asked, trying to lift the mood.

"Two weeks," he replied, his face lighting up.

"That's great Dad. I'm happy for you." And, I was.

Instead of calling Edward Cullen after our conversation, I dialed Alice.

"Hey you," she answered. "I was just about to call you."

"Really? What's up?" I questioned her.

"I have some fabulous news, Bella; the best," she trilled. Her voice was about two octaves above it's normal tone.

"That's perfect, I'm in need of some good news."

"Everything okay with Charlie?" she asked, more solemnly.

"As okay as it can be. Please, let's just talk about your news." I was in dire need of a pick me up.

She let out little squeals of excitement as I listened for some sort of discernible words.

"I'm moving back out west! San Francisco, to be exact."

My mood immediately lifted. "Does this mean I will get to see you more often?" I asked, hopefully.

"Yes, and soon. I'll be stopping through in a week, en route to my new home!"

"Who do I have to thank for bringing you back?"

"I have been offered the fabulous opportunity to design my own line for an up and coming design house. I had sent my portfolio to them on a whim and, a month later, here I am, holding an advance for my own line and planning my move!"

"I'm so proud of you. You have worked so long for this and your dreams are becoming a reality," I reminded her. Alice had started sewing clothes for her dolls as soon as her mom had trusted her with a needle.

"Yours will too Bella, yours will too," she repeated, her voice fading into a soft whisper.

I didn't even have any dreams. The only thing I wanted was so unlikely, I was afraid to hope for it: a cure.

Wanting to keep the focus on her, I asked about Jasper. "What about your man? Or is that done?"

"Jazz? Oh hell no, that's nowhere near done. In fact, he's meeting me in San Francisco a week after I'm scheduled to be there. There's a pretty definite chance that he's _the one_. There's just something about him that fits with me..." Her voice tapered off, as I imagined her day dreaming.

"Can we switch places, just for like, forty-eight hours?"

"I love you so much but, sorry, not a chance," she responded, decisively.

I laughed as we continued our conversation and planned her visit. I knew her presence would please Charlie to no end. Charlie always called Alice his second daughter. He loved her like I did. I would also be satisfying his request for me to spend some time socializing. _Two birds, one stone._

Three days before Alice was to arrive, anxiety set it. No one other than Billy Black and my father's friends down at the station had really been around Charlie in his altered physical state. He continued to manage with the walker, but it was becoming more and more of a struggle. If I hated seeing it, how would others feel? When I watched him become flustered as he maneuvered around, I had this overwhelming desire to help him, but that would have demeaned him, and demeaning my father would only break my heart further.

Part of me wanted to protect Charlie from the world. In some way I thought it would preserve the best memories of him. However, he had made it clear to me that he didn't want to hide. He was brave enough to face the world, so I had to be too.

When I told him Alice was coming, his spirits brightened considerably, even more than I had anticipated.

I sucked. Truly sucked. Why was it that Charlie could open up to the world when I continued to want to shrink inside myself?

I pushed the anxiety out of my mind and threw myself into cleaning the house and preparing the guest room for Alice.

Three days later, she knocked on the door.

I opened the door and the vision that was Alice stood before me. She looked gorgeous, striking, and stylish. Her once short, dark hair had grown past her shoulders and was pulled back into a sleek ponytail. Large, square, black Gucci sunglasses rested on her perfect, dainty, upturned nose. Her complexion was flawless. Her lips pursed in a sweet little bow.

I immediately felt unremarkable.

"Stop gawking and invite me in already! You look like you've seen a ghost for goodness sakes!"

"I'm sorry, it's just been so long, and you look like you walked out of an issue of _Vogue,_" I said as I pulled her in for a hug.

"You should have called me a lot sooner Bella," she spoke through clenched teeth as she rested her chin on my shoulder and squeezed back.

"Yeah, I know," I admitted.

"Where's my favorite fashionista?" Charlie's voice came from behind us.

"Charlie!" Alice exclaimed, breaking free from my vice grip.

She ran over to him but was delicate with her embrace. He could only lift one hand to hug her in return; the other supported his weight on the walker.

After our reunion, we settled into easy conversation Alice dazzling Charlie with tales of life in the city. I hadn't realized how much I missed her until that moment. Although I was confident she was plainly aware of the differences in Charlie, she never showed it outwardly.

After a couple hours of talking, Charlie was tired and excused himself to take a nap.

"Need any help dad?" I asked him, as he sometimes required my assistance.

"No, I got it. You girls enjoy yourselves now," he labored as he ambled out of the room.

As he disappeared to his bedroom, which had been relocated downstairs, Alice asked the serious questions.

"Bella, you know how much I love you, right?" she asked.

"Yeah, you know I do."

"Well, I need to be completely honest. I'm worried about you. You look exhausted, malnourished, and unkempt. Not to mention, ten years older than you should."

"Got any more compliments for me, A?" I asked, cocking my eyebrow.

"I'm serious. You need sunshine, good food, and a massage, followed by a night of heavy drinking."

"Really, I thought alcohol caused wrinkles?" I quipped.

"Still stubborn, I see. I think you know what I'm getting at here, Bella. You need help. And you need to be okay with asking for it. When Charlie escapes with his friends for the weekend, I'm taking you out. I'll be damned if I'm going to let my best friend wither away into a shell of her old self. You know that alone could kill Charlie."

Her last words stung, and tears began percolating to the surface. I choked them back, swallowing hard.

"I know I need help, Alice. I do. It's just admitting it is so difficult. I feel like I'm failing him. I feel like I'm not the one to care for him, I'll be kicking myself later."

"You are taking care of him. But you need to realize that you must take care of yourself, too. It's hard for me to say this," she placed her hand on top of mine, "but you are going to have a life after he's gone; you can't let yourself wither away along with him."

Tears began escaping my eyes with ferocity, and Alice took me into her arms.

"I love you, Alice. And you're right," I choked out.

"I love you too, Bella."

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, I pictured the piece of paper I had stuck into my desk a month earlier. I knew it wouldn't be long before I retrieved it.

Charlie's buddies from the station showed up at five o'clock on Saturday morning to pick him up. They weren't going far. In fact, the resort where they were staying was practically in Forks. They would be in cabins at Three Rivers Resort, and Sam Uley, one of the deputies, was going to be Charlie's cabin mate. Other than Sam, who was in line to become Chief when Charlie retired, there was Paul, the dark haired, gorgeous Quileute man who was the most serious of the bunch, and Joshua Baxter, the young, wide-eyed, unfettered rookie.

The look on my father's face made it hard not picture him as a child; he had a sort of innocent expression of happiness when he came out to greet his friends. That look alone would be worth all the worrying I would do while we were apart. This would be the first length of time we had been separated since his diagnosis. Thank God Alice was staying through the weekend.

After Charlie had left, I went back to bed and fell into a deep and dreamless sleep. I didn't wake up until I heard Alice knocking on the bedroom door. I opened my heavy lids and saw that it was ten thirty. Wow, I had slept for five hours but felt as though I had just shut my eyes.

"Come in," I said groggily.

Alice burst through the door and hopped onto my bed.

"Hey sleepyhead," she greeted me, as she rested her head on the pillow next to mine.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to sleep for so long," I replied with a yawn.

"No complaints here, B. You were obviously in need. Although, at this point, we are burning daylight and I have a full day planned. Off to the shower with you," she instructed, as she got up, pulling me with her.

I stumbled to the bathroom and turned on the shower. I disrobed, hopped in, and let the hot spray work its magic on my tense shoulders. It had been ages since I had allowed myself the luxury of a soothing shower. I had the "scrub and run" down. I could be in and out in three minutes flat. With Charlie's illness, I didn't feel like I had time to enjoy a relaxing and leisurely shower. If he needed me and I couldn't hear him calling over the rushing water, how would I know if something happened? Life can change in a matter of a few minutes, and I didn't want unnecessary indulgences to get in the way of me being there for him in an emergency. While growing up, I was his first priority. It was only fair that I made him mine.

I lingered under the hot water, thinking about everything that could have been, _should _have been, if Charlie hadn't fallen ill. He had big plans for his future, after he retired from the force. He was going to buy a motor-home and travel with Billy across America. He looked forward to me finding true love and giving him grandchildren one day. He even thought he might find a companion to share the rest of his life with. I started to question the linear path he had decided on. He had worked hard, considering himself married to the job, even though he had a fortune at his disposal. He had counted on having an abundance of time after he retired to pursue his dreams. Now that he was ill, it was clear that a great many of his dreams would never come to fruition. It was a silent urging towards living in the now, rather than planning for a future that couldn't be counted on.

My heart heaved in my chest as I started to think about everything he wouldn't be there for. I didn't know if kids were in the cards for me, or another marriage for that matter, but if they were, he likely wouldn't be around to see any of it. I couldn't imagine anyone other than Charlie walking me down the aisle. I didn't have a brother or grandfather to fill in for him. I didn't really have anyone. I started to get depressed when I realized how small my circle of loved ones really was. I understood it was extremely likely that I would end up utterly alone in the world.

Before the tears had a chance to form, I shook my head and pulled myself out of the stupor of self pity.

As the hot water poured down my body, I took in some cleansing breaths. Today would be a good day. I wouldn't let Alice down. I was committed to keeping my guilt over not being with Charlie at bay and enjoying some much needed revelry.

I wondered what Alice had planned as I shut off the water and toweled myself dry.

I blew out my hair and dressed in a pair of Seven jeans and a white t-shirt. I knew Alice would hardly approve, but at least the jeans were designer.

I emerged from the bedroom to find Alice in the living room, thumbing through the latest issue of Vanity Fair. I was happy to see that she was casually dressed, well casual _for her _anyway. She was wearing black leggings and a gorgeous gray sweater-dress with knee-high black leather boots.

"Love the boots," I complimented.

"Maybe we can get you a matching pair. Feel better after your shower?" she asked, giving me a once over.

"Yeah, much. Sorry I took so long."

"Girlie, you need to stop with the apologies. Are you ready?" she asked me.

"Yep. This is me. Ready," I replied with a laugh.

"Hold on just a sec," she said, reaching into her ridiculously large purse.

Her hand emerged with a thin scarf in varying colors of blue. "This will bring out your eyes and give your look a little more snap."

"Did you bring that just for me?" I asked as she arranged the scarf around my neck. She had always enjoyed utilizing me as her mannequin.

"Actually, Jasper spent a month in Thailand with some friends, and he brought me back oodles of these delicious scarves; I felt I could part with one. So yes, it's for you."

"Thanks Alice, I really like it." I could actually see it becoming a frequent accessory.

"Yay! Alright then, I'm driving, so let's blow this joint."

I put on my comfortable and well worn pair of black Chucks and followed her out the door.

Alice had splurged on her rental car, opting for a Mini Cooper.

"Where are we going anyway?" I asked, hopping into the passenger seat.

"After we stop for coffee, I thought we could head to Seattle."

"Ah, yes. Coffee sounds great; sweet life giving nectar." I smiled at her, referring to our moniker for coffee.

"I thought you might say that," she said with a giggle. "I also intend to take you shopping and buy you cocktails. No protests. I just got a huge advance for my line and I reserve the right to spoil my best friend," she said as she lifted her chin defiantly.

I sighed. I didn't want to be a charity case but Alice was offering the exact kind of levity I was screaming for.

"I'm with you, A. Just don't break the bank. I want you to be able to come visit me again."

Her set lips broke into a dazzling smile.

"One other thing Bella. I talked to Charlie while you were in the shower yesterday."

"Oh really? And what were you two troublemakers up to?"

"Nothing really. We just decided that you would call the nurse before weekend's end, that's all."

_Funny, I had come to the same decision myself. _

"Oh, ye of little faith. I already decided to do just that all on my own."

"Promise me, B." She shot me a stern look.

"I promise."

With that, we pulled up to the coffee shop. I had a delicious double mocha and a poppy seed bagel with cream cheese. I could almost feel myself filling out after the first bite. I really hadn't been eating much. It was one of those things I always sort of pushed aside in lieu of other things that felt more pressing.

We took off towards Seattle, blasting music and singing in the car together. The day was already turning into a dream.

Seattle was an absolute blast. Alice didn't even force me to be her personal Barbie doll while we were shopping, and she even agreed on some of the things I picked out on my own. She did insist on buying me a pair of pricey knee-high leather boots with a three inch heel. They were undeniably hot, and I had promised not to refuse her.

After shopping, we went to Pike's Place Market where I bought fresh flowers and some delicious Jazz Apples. I loved their crisp consistency and cherry-esque flavor.

It drizzled a bit as we roamed the streets, but the smell of rain on the pavement filled me with life. It was one of my favorite scents. We made our way to one of my most treasured discoveries, the Elliott Bay Book Company, and I lost myself for an hour while Alice perused the fashion section. The place was a bit musty and a bit of a labyrinth but I adored it. The smell of books, old and new, meshing together, was another favorite scent.

As the sky began to darken, we made our way to Kells Irish Restaurant and Pub. Before heading inside, and much to Alice's delight, I slipped into my new boots. They made me feel empowered and provocative. Being the dignified ladies we were, we started off with a round of Irish Car Bombs. It was like a milkshake and went down smooth. I immediately felt the whiskey set to work. It was a good thing too, because, not a moment later, my ex walked through the door.

I gulped and gave Alice a death look.

"Don't look at me! I didn't say a word," she scolded me for my assumption.

We were clearly in his line of sight and I was baffled by the coincidence. I guess it shouldn't have been all that shocking since he and I had found the place together.

Emmett and I met my freshman year of high school. He was a transfer, so he garnered a lot of attention immediately. Emmett was the hottest sophomore, good with numbers, quarterback for the Junior Varsity team, and he had an incredible amount of heart. He was the complete package at sixteen, the epitome of a teen dream. He was also a smart ass, but that was part of what drew me to him. We met in art class. He took the available seat across from me as soon as he walked in the door. As the teacher called attendance, I corrected her when she called me Isabella, noting that I preferred to be called Bella.

A devilish and incredibly sexy smirk appeared at his lips and he shook his head.

"What's so funny?" I whispered.

"Nothing really, I just took you for more of an 'Izzy' than a 'Bella.'"

"No one's ever called me that in my life," I insisted to him.

"Well I'm going to call you Iz. I want to call you something no one else does."

I blushed at his statement and immediately looked down. That was the day Emmett's "Iz" was born. So much happened after that. Too much to ever let him out of my life entirely.

As he made his way towards us, my phone buzzed in my pocket.

I looked at the caller ID: _Charlie._

I answered hurriedly, just as Emmett made it to our table.

"Charlie, is everything okay?" I asked in a panic, covering my right ear with my hand.

His laughter was instantly relieving. "Yeah, Bells. We are fantastic. Just wanted to check-in and say I love you." He sounded buoyant and lively, better than he had in months.

"Well, I'll let you get back to it. I love you Dad."

"Alrighty. Hope you are having some fun yourself."

"I am. Alice and I are making up for lost time. And, we...uh, just ran into Emmett"

"Tell him 'hello' for me. Gotta go, the guys want to play some poker," he replied before hanging up.

I put the phone down and looked over at Emmett. He looked particularly handsome. His dark blonde hair was slightly wavy, his smile was large and wide, producing the dimples that used to make me melt, and his eyes were midnight blue, framed by long lashes. It was the first time I had seen him in two years but it was oddly calming rather than unnerving.

"Iz! I can't tell you how stoked I am to run into you and the little one over here," he said, tilting his head in Alice's direction.

She socked him in the arm. "Hey, careful with the insults buddy! I'm stronger than I look."

"That's for sure, you pack a mean punch, little one," he said, rubbing the spot on his bicep where she had struck.

Before I could protest, Emmett pulled me in for one of his signature bear hugs. I let myself linger there for a moment, breathing in the scent I was all too familiar with. His strong arms felt good cradled around me, comforting me in a way I hadn't expected.

"You look good Em. Seattle must be treating you well." I pulled away from the hug, casting my eyes downward as I spoke.

"Mind if I pull up a chair?"

"Of course not," I answered nonchalantly.

He turned the chair back against the table and straddled the seat, his arms crossed and leaning comfortably on the table. A small part of me swooned, but only for a split second. One thing our relationship had never lacked was sexual chemistry. Still, I had learned at a young age that a healthy relationship was about much more than lust.

"Seattle has been spectacular for me. I'm doing rather well at the investment firm, I have a great group of guys to hang with here, and I play pick-up basketball at the gym twice a week. But let's talk about you for a minute. How are things?"

"Today's a good day. Charlie's on a fishing trip with his buddies; he says 'hi' by the way. Alice got here in the middle of the week, and we have had the best time trolling around Seattle today, shopping and catching up."

He put his hand on mine. "But Izzy, how is it, really?"

I knew he was truly concerned but the conversation was headed in the exact direction I had wanted to avoid. Not to mention it was ruining my buzz.

"It is what it is. Charlie has this monster disease inside of him, chiseling away at his freedom bit by bit. He has new aches and pains every day and requires my assistance with things that humble us both." I knew my tone was a bit whiny and tried to scale back. "I really am trying to get away from it for today. I need to for my sanity. Can we just talk about other things?"

"Sure, sure," he replied.

The conversation shifted to Alice and her big move, the new boyfriend, and her upcoming fashion line. We had two more Irish Car Bombs a piece before switching to Guinness. To counteract the wooziness, we decided to stay for dinner; Emmett insisted on buying. I had a delicious pork tenderloin with apple chutney. The meat was savory and cooked to perfection, and my love for food began to reemerge.

By ten o'clock, we had sobered up enough to head back to Forks.

Emmett pleaded with us to come back home with him so we wouldn't have to make such a long drive. As much as the offer appealed to me, and as much as I liked the idea of cuddling up to Emmett again, I really wanted to sleep in my own bed. Alice and I said our goodbyes and Emmett took me in for another strong embrace.

"I love you, Iz," he whispered to me in a soothing voice.

I couldn't get the words out myself, but I tightened my hold on him a bit more to let him know I felt the same.

"See you soon, Em."

"I hope so," he said, kissing me gently on the forehead before he walked backwards to his car.

Alice sped back to Forks, paying little attention to traffic laws. She didn't really care and could probably get herself out of any ticket. I was exhausted when we arrived home, the buzz having worn off during the last hour of the drive.

I gave Alice a huge squeeze. "Thank you so much for today. It was better than I could have hoped for."

"The smile on your face is thanks enough. I'm beat. Goodnight, B."

"Goodnight, A," I responded. She was the A to my B and always would be.

Before I headed to bed, I put the house keys on my desk and opened the top drawer. Sitting right on top was the number Dr. Cullen had given me for his son. I took it out, brought it with me to my bedroom, and placed it next to my cell phone.

I would call Edward Cullen the following day.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Alice had an early afternoon flight to San Francisco on Sunday, and Charlie wouldn't be back until early evening.

I woke up from another night of restful slumber and made my way to the kitchen. Alice was in the shower, so I decided to make her breakfast.

I had picked up some delicious cinnamon streusel bread from a bakery at Pikes Place Market and set to work making French toast. I brewed some coffee, it's spicy smell tingling in my nostrils and calling my senses awake. As the French toast cooked on the skillet, I warmed the maple syrup on the stovetop, melting butter in it to make my famous maple butter. It also was especially excellent with my blueberry pancakes.

Alice emerged from the bathroom, completely assembled and glowing. Her skin was dewy and she smelled fresh, like citrus.

"Oh B, you are the best. You know I love your French toast with maple butter."

"Of course I do. It's the least I can do for my best friend before she sets off on her path to greatness."

As she walked by to pour herself a cup of coffee, she kissed me on the cheek.

We ate our breakfast, which turned out exactly as I had hoped, and I reflected on how I felt around her.

She reminded me of youth and opportunity, life and childhood dreams. She brought a part of me to the surface that I had been suppressing since Charlie fell ill, and I was grateful for her impeccable timing.

She packed while I cleaned up after breakfast, and I couldn't believe it was time for her to go.

"I'll come back as soon as I can, Bella. Promise."

I took her in for a departing hug.

"Maybe next time you can bring Jasper with you? I'd like to meet the "possibly the one"guy.

"Yeah, that would be fun. I think I'd need to get a hotel room for that though," she said with a cluck of her tongue.

"At least one of us is getting some," I responded sarcastically.

"Well, I'm sure you could get some from Emmett if you really wanted."

"Don't go there," I answered her, smacking her on the ass as she turned to leave.

"I'll talk to you next week, love!" she called with a wave as she walked towards the car.

I watched as the sporty little car sped away until it disappeared on the horizon.

After closing the door behind me, I tidied up the house a bit in preparation for Charlie's homecoming.

I went to retrieve my phone from my nightstand and my eyes immediately went to the post it note.

"Well, now's a better time than any," I muttered to myself.

I dialed the numbers and was relieved to get an automated voice mail.

_Why was this so hard for me?_

"Hi, my name is Bella Swan and I was referred to you by your father. If you could give me a call back at your convenience, I would appreciate it." I hung up just as I realized I hadn't left my number. Oh well. He should be able to get it off his caller ID.

I was completely alone in the house, not sure of what to do. Instead of being motivated to do something with myself, I channel surfed through all the crap that passed for television programming these days. Bored within ten minutes, I started to let my mind wander to the previous evening.

God, Emmett had looked good. And his arms around me felt wonderful. Although we met young, he had been incredibly talented in bed. It wasn't due to having multiple experiences, I had been only his second, he was just a natural. If only we had met in college, rather than high school, we might have stood a chance. Then again, maybe we wouldn't have. I was startled out of my internal reminiscing when my phone buzzed.

I didn't recognize the number, although I had dialed it less than an hour earlier.

"Hello."

"Hello," a liquid smooth voice responded. "Ms. Swan, this is Edward Cullen. You called."

If his voice was any indication of his bedside manner, I was already sold.

"Uh, yes, this is Bella. Please, call me Bella," I stammered unintelligibly.

"I've been expecting your call for some time."

"Oh really?" I replied, hypnotized by his soothing tone.

"Yes, my father briefed me on your case a couple of months ago. I've been looking forward to meeting with you, as well as your dad."

"How does this work exactly?" I asked in response.

"It would be best if we could meet, in your home. I'm confident I can be of service, we just need to make sure the chemistry is right. It's vital in my line of work."

Something deep inside me told me chemistry would not be an issue.

_Shut up Bella. This isn't about you, it's about Charlie._

"Uh...yeah. When is your schedule open?" I inquired.

He chuckled lightly on the other end of the phone. "My schedule is entirely free."

"How about tomorrow then? I'll have to run it by Charlie, but I know we don't have any appointments."

"How's does eleven work for you?"

"Sounds good. I'll call if something changes. Thank you Mr. Cullen."

"Call me Edward, please. Mr. Cullen makes me sound a hundred years old."

"Okay...Edward." I gave him our address so that he could Google the directions.

My apprehension about the meeting gave way to anticipation. The conversation was entirely pedestrian but something about his voice eased my anxieties about the situation. Maybe sharing the responsibility of Charlie's care wouldn't be such a bad thing after all.

I felt lighter and inspired after the call with Edward, so I set about making lasagna for Charlie and the guys.

I made the sauce from scratch, my own recipe, and the smells of savory seasonings and ripened tomatoes took over the household as it simmered on the stove.

Charlie arrived home just two hours later and he was all smiles. I invited Sam, Paul and the rookie, Joshua, in for a hot meal and they all accepted the invitation graciously.

As I served the hungry men with ample portions, they laughed and joked, recalling their weekend. Charlie was delighted, smiling ear to ear, and that was in no small part due to the fact that he had angled the largest fish of the weekend, an eleven pound Steelhead that Paul helped him reel in.

In the space of a single weekend they had noticeably bonded and all of the guys were relaxed in their behavior towards Charlie. It was very touching and Charlie just radiated joy.

After an hour of conversation following dinner, the boys said their goodbyes and promised to be in touch soon. Charlie wanted everyone to get together once a week, as a group, at our house. Denying him would have been like denying a child candy on Halloween. There was no way in hell I would ever do that.

"Bella, that was my best weekend in two years!" He beamed in a way I hadn't ever seen.

"I had no idea dad, really. Actually, I thought you had a terrible time by the look on your face," I said, sarcasm dominating my tone.

He started laughing and I smiled widely at the charming sound.

"So I finally called the nurse, Edward Cullen," I offered in hopes of continuing the good vibes.

Assisted by his walker, he made his way over to me and lifted both hands to my cheeks.

"You are the best thing that ever happened to me, Bella. You make me proud." His look was one of pride. "Thank you for taking that step. I know it was difficult for you. I understand why. But, thanks again."

"He's coming over to meet us tomorrow at eleven. I hope that's okay?"

"Right now, everything is okay, and tomorrow sounds good," he brought his lips to the top of my head and mussed my hair like he did when I was four.

"I've got to get myself to bed now," he said, releasing my cheeks from his palms.

"Goodnight Dad."

"Night Bells," he said before turning around carefully and proceeding down the hall.

I couldn't recall any time since his diagnosis when I had felt so calm. For a few relieving hours, I was able to put the thought of him dying out of my head.

I think I fell into a sound sleep before my head hit the pillow.

My alarm went off at eight o'clock; I had slept solidly, without waking at all throughout the night. I felt refreshed and restored, something I was unaccustomed to. I shrugged on a robe and walked gingerly downstairs. I peeked around the wall and down the hallway; Charlie's door was still closed.

_Perfect, I could shower before breakfast._

I retreated to the bathroom and showered, taking eight minutes rather than my usual three. After blow drying my hair, I went to my closet, pulled on a pair of jeans and a cream colored v-neck sweater. My cheeks looked rosier than usual in the mirror and my hair even had a bit more shine . Peace of mind and a good night's sleep made a huge difference.

I descended the stairs with a bit more bounce than was the norm, and proceeded to the kitchen to make some breakfast. Charlie had taken to eating oatmeal with pure maple syrup, brown sugar and sliced bananas, for breakfast each morning. Just as I was slicing his bananas, he emerged from down the hall; his walker making its distinctive sound against our hardwood flooring.

Everything seemed to be aligning all of a sudden, as if we were a rail car that had finally found the correct track.

I nibbled my toast and sipped my coffee as Charlie cautiously took bites of his oatmeal. By the time we had finished eating, it was already ten-thirty. Time was propelling us swiftly into the immediate future.

I cleaned up the kitchen and Charlie returned to his bedroom to brush his teeth before our meeting.

There was a knock at the door as our grandfather clock chimed eleven, exactly.

I inhaled deeply, grabbed the knob, and opened the door.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Hello, you must be Bella," he greeted me.

I might have noticed his stunning green eyes or exquisite chiseled jaw right away if I didn't have the habit of looking down at people's hands.

His hands caught my attention immediately. It wasn't that I had a weird fetish or anything, I just liked to look at someone's hands before I shook them. It may have been a bit OCD, but I didn't care; I didn't want to shake a dirty hand.

One look at his and I was reassured. His hands were beautiful. He had long, graceful fingers that somehow managed to still appear manly. His skin looked as soft as satin, and his nails were cleanly groomed and obviously filed.

"Bella?" he asked, his tone confused as if maybe he had arrived at the wrong house.

I was startled to attention. "Yes, I'm sorry. You must be Edward."

He extended his hand and I took it. It would have been rude of me not to. If the look of his hand was a sight to behold, the feel of it was even better. It was much larger than my own, and his palm was warm and soft, his shake firm and satisfying. I felt as though a pulse of heat traveled through his hand into mine, and suddenly there was a live current coursing through my veins.

Warm. Soft. Beautiful. Manly.

Edward Cullen might have had the most perfect hands I had ever come across. I was reluctant to let go of the near stranger.

"Please, come in," I stammered, hoping my stutter went unnoticed.

He saw Charlie starting to get up to greet him and stopped him in the process. "You must be Charlie, I'm Edward. Edward Cullen," he said, extending his precious palm in Charlie's direction.

"Good to meet you. Would have been sooner if my daughter wasn't so stubborn."

"Dad!" I shrieked, instantly embarrassed.

"No worries Bella. It's completely normal that you wouldn't want to entrust your father to someone else's care. Hopefully I can set some of your concerns to rest today," he smiled as he finished speaking, his green eyes piercing my own.

His very presence intoxicated me. He had such a calming effect on me; I swear my blood pressure was lowering by the second. I realized in that instant that, for him, nursing was much more than a career, it was a calling.

"Can I get you something to drink? Coffee, water, a coke?" I offered, partially to be polite and partially because I wanted a moment to compose myself in the kitchen.

"Do you have any tea?" he asked.

"Sure," I answered casually. "I'll go get that while the two of you talk."

"That would be great, thank you so much, Bella."

"Of course. Dad, do you need anything?"

"No, I'm fine, hon. Thanks."

I turned on my heel and made my way to the kitchen. As I put on a pot of water, I straightened myself. All that sleep must have gone to my head. _What other explanation was there for my sudden lust for Edward's hands? _I laughed and shook my head at my own ridiculousness.

I reappeared in the living room to find Charlie and Edward already deep in conversation. I set down the cup of hot water and assortment of teas for Edward to choose from. His artful hands perused the selection in front of them.

"Ahhhhh, Yerba Mate," he said as he made his choice. "For a quarter of last year, this was a daily staple." he explained as he turned to face me.

"Oh really? And why was that?" I asked in response.

"I volunteered in Peru at a Children's hospital. It was far more rewarding than anything else I have ever experienced in my life."

_Wow._

"That's so kind and selfless," I said, struck.

"Believe me, I returned a much richer man." He angled himself back to face Charlie and the conversation turned back to him.

Edward took advantage of the time well. Like his father, he was inquisitive about Charlie's life rather than his illness. He never once appeared bored or uninterested in what either of us had to say, lending a patient and attentive ear. He even asked questions about me. I was a bit reluctant to disclose my history, but he didn't pressure me into anything. Over an hour had passed before we even broached the subject of private nursing. By that time Edward felt more like a long lost friend than a potential medical assistant.

It was obvious he wasn't embellishing when he told me he had reviewed Charlie's case with his father. He knew my dad's condition inside and out. Better, even, than me. Edward suggested that we ease into the working relationship.

"Charlie, you are robust and in a very healthy frame of mind at the moment. Your spirit is inspiring. We can do this in baby steps, if you would like. Besides, there's nothing like having a nurse around to remind you of the very thing you wish to forget. So, how about we start with a visit once a week, just for an hour or two?"

"Works for me," Charlie replied matter-of-factly.

"We can use that time to go over other parts of your care. Part of what I can help with is making sure that you have some specific documentation on file. Bella, of course you can be present at any time, just remember that you can also use that time for yourself."

"That sounds like the very thing we are looking for Edward," Charlie edged out before I could formulate my own response.

We decided to start out with visits on Mondays. We discussed the cost and contract with the understanding that amendments would have to be made as Charlie's needs evolved.

After we signed the appropriate documentation, wrapping up the three hours we spent in revealing conversation, my dad excused himself to use the restroom.

"It was good to meet you Edward. I looking forward to hangin' with you," he said, extending a hand.

"Likewise, Charlie. I'll see you on Monday."

I watched as he coasted own the hall and into the privacy of his own room.

"Thank you for your hospitality," he said turning to me.

"Thank you for making this a wholly different experience than I expected," I returned.

"If you need anything, an extra day off, or a weekend away, please don't hesitate to check with me."

"I'll take that into consideration." I extended my hand to him.

He didn't leave me wanting. His had was as warm as the first time; his skin melting into my own. I thought he gripped my hand for an extra moment as his eyes met mine.

"See you next Monday," he said, as he released me from his physical hold. "I'll see myself out."

"Monday, then!" I called after him as he exited the house.

_Was it really possible for me to have two good days in a row?_

It sure seemed as though I was headed in that direction.


	5. Chapter 5

Many thanks to my beta for this chapter - SusanAshlea! She writes an amazing canonish fic about Felix of the Volturi called "Finding Forever" you should read if you like vamp stories - it's excellent!

If you're reading, please submit a review! I would love to know what you think so far.

Two good days turned into twenty. Then a month. Then three.

We had settled into a groove that I didn't want to end. Edward came over on Mondays for two to three hours; sometimes I would stick around, and other times I would be prompted by Charlie to get out and "smell the flowers." Sometimes, I took the suggestion literally. Some days I went for long, solitary hikes, clearing my head and taking in the rain-scented air. Other days, I would go to the beach and sit there and just listen to the waves.

I felt entirely comfortable leaving Charlie in Edward's care. When he came over he was less like a nurse and more like a friend or younger brother to Charlie. They would talk for hours, and after Edward left, I would often hear Charlie humming to himself happily on Monday evenings.

The guys from the station made good on their promise to come over regularly. Wednesday's often found them gathered in our living room watching TV, and every other week I would cook them dinner. The Rookie, Joshua, seemed to have developed a little crush on me as well. He always insisted on helping out with the dishes after dinner, despite my protests. I had no intention of being anything more to him than his former Chief's daughter, and I did my best not to lead him on.

Billy Black came over every Sunday and spent the entire day watching football with Charlie. Sometimes their good friend Harry would join in. I always enjoyed watching them; they were like the Three Stooges, always teasing and egging each other on.

Things had finally stabilized in our lives.

Unfortunately with stability comes complacency. Complacency brings comfort, and being comfortable means being forgetful. Forgetfulness with Charlie was unacceptable, because forgetfulness ultimately leads to reality check.

I had just reached the summit, only to find a hidden climb right behind it.

It was four months worth of Mondays in when it happened. I was down at First Beach in La Push reservation and didn't have cell phone reception. As I made my way back to my car, my phone beeped in my pocket. I retrieved it, reading _Four missed calls _on the screen. Every missed called was from home.I didn't even bother to listen to the voice messages; I already knew something was wrong.

I pressed "1" to speed dial the house but it went to the answering machine. I hung up and dialed Edward's cell phone, which he picked up on the first ring.

"Bella?"

"Yes, it's me, what's going on? Where are you?" I spit the questions out frantically.

"We are at the Emergency Room. Charlie's okay, but you should make your way down here," he said, compassion in his tone.

"I'll be there in ten," I said, hanging up before he had a chance to say anything more. My heart pounded in my chest and with such force, I felt my rib cage rattle. Then, the thoughts came without discretion.

_Edward said Charlie was 'okay', but obviously not okay enough to avoid a hospital trip. _

_Did he fall? Hit his head?_

_Did he choke on food again? _

_Was there something more serious?_

I reviewed the hours preceding my departure.

_Dad ate breakfast, went down fine._

_Dad took his medication._

_Edward arrived._

_I showered._

_Kissed dad goodbye._

_What happened?_

I felt like the tires of the car were dragging on the road, despite the gas pedal being fully depressed. I screeched around a corner, taking it way too fast.

_Calm down Bella. Don't get yourself in an accident!_

I pulled up to the hospital within fifteen minutes. I got out, slammed the door shut, and tore into the building. Edward and Dr. Cullen were waiting in the foyer for me. I ran up to them, doing nothing to conceal my desperation.

"Bella, calm down, everything is okay," Edward assured, placing his angelic hands on my shoulders.

Carlisle spoke up. "Your father is doing fine, as Edward has relayed," he glanced over at his son. I couldn't grasp the hidden meaning behind the look.

"If he's okay, why is he here? Please, I need to see him; I need to know what happened."

"Bella," Carlisle started again, "the disease has put some stress on Charlie's heart, and because of this, he has suffered a minor heart attack."

"But, he eats oatmeal!" I demanded.

His soft chuckle at my response morphed into him clearing his throat and straightening his expression. "It has nothing to do with diet in this case. It's strictly another side effect of his illness," he clarified. "I would like to keep him here overnight, for observation. I should be able to discharge him in the morning."

Edward's hands were still resting on my tension riddled shoulders. As he gave them a reassuring squeeze, I felt a slight tingle zip through my body.

"I'll take you to him," Edward interjected. "There are a lot of machines and he's feeling a bit tired, but he's still Charlie. Don't forget that." He released my shoulders from his grip, and I followed him up the stairs and down the hall to Charlie's room.

When I walked in, Charlie saw me and immediately responded with a smile.

"Hey Bells," he said quietly. "Sorry to have scared you so much, but your old man's fine. Just fine."

"You should be sorry Dad, this is supposed to be my afternoon off," I teased in an attempt to reassure, as I pulled up a chair next to him and sat down. He extended his hand out just over the bed rail, his fingers stretching for mine. I grabbed his hand and held it tightly.

"How are you feeling, really?"

"Just tired, sweetie. Like I could sleep for days," he simply stated.

"Well I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here if you wake up. I'll be here if you need anything; I won't let you down."

"Bella," he began, his voice tinged with irritation. "I don't want this to be a hurdle in the midst of the progress we've made. I'm in capable hands right now. I want you to go home, shower, and relax a little. I'm okay, the doc said so. They're only keeping me overnight as a precaution." After he finished, he let out an exasperated breath.

"No, I don't want to go. I need to be here. If anything were to happen and I wasn't here..."

"Nothing is going to happen except a whole lot of sleeping."

"But I don't like sleeping alone in the house; I'll be more comfortable here," I protested.

"That is ridiculous and you know it. You don't want me to stress now, do you?" He knew I wouldn't be able to counter his unfair argument.

"Okay, point taken. But can I stay here and talk for a while?"

"Yeah," he compromised, before the room fell quiet. A few seconds later, there was a knock on the door, although it was wide open and Edward walked into the room.

"I apologize if I'm disturbing the two of you. I just thought I could go grab some food for Charlie, something more palatable then what they offer in this joint. Don't worry, I already cleared it with your doctor," he smiled.

"That would be great Edward. And, I'm buying. For you too, and Bella here, of course."

"That's not necessary, but thank you all the same. So, what sounds good?" Edward replied.

"It may sound silly, but I can't get my mind off chicken noodle soup. Can you believe that?"

"Absolutely. There is something about it that soothes the soul, undoubtedly," Edward answered without skipping a beat. He was good. Really, really good.

"And what about you Ms. Swan? What would soothe your soul this evening?"

"Uh...I-I'm not that hungry actually," I stuttered, and Charlie furrowed his brow to show his disapproval.

"Now, now, you need to eat. There must be something that could tantalize your taste buds?" He asked in a clever manner.

The last thing I was thinking about was my stomach, but I was a bit hungry. I didn't need my dad worrying about me on top of everything so I came up with an answer.

"I guess a grilled cheese sandwich would be alright."

"Do you want fries with that?" Edward laughed at his own statement.

"No, a side salad sounds more refreshing."

"Dressing?"

"Ranch on the side and a wedge of lemon."

"See, I knew you would come around," he responded with a smile. "I'll be back in a little while."

"Wait," Charlie called before he walked out the door, "Bella, get my wallet."

"That won't be necessary. Consider it my get well gift," Edward said, disappearing from the room before Charlie could argue further.

"That guy's something special Bella. I don't know what it is about him, but I'm really glad he's my nurse," Charlie observed.

"He is, huh? Thank goodness he was there today. I'm happy you have someone you can rely on when I'm not there."

"You can rely on him too. His actions today were quick and calm. I didn't panic for a moment."

The conversation was wearing Charlie down, so I kept it to a minimum. Edward returned with our food thirty minutes later. I drizzled ranch on top of the salad, then squeezed the fresh lemon over the ranch. Alice and I had discovered "ranch and lemons" while experimenting one night. We both loved ranch but knew it wasn't the healthiest way to eat our salads, and we decided that one part ranch and one part lemon juice was healthier and satisfying at the same time. I couldn't eat my salad any other way after that night.

Edward set up Charlie's bed tray with his soup and settled the spoon in his hand. He grabbed the remaining box of food and started to walk out of the room.

"Edward, you bought us dinner. The least we can offer is for you join us," Charlie insisted.

"Okay, as long as Bella doesn't mind," he answered, chancing a glance in my direction.

"Of course I don't mind. Please stay."

He pulled up a chair next to mine, and plopped down into the seat. I watched his nimble fingers as they opened the box of food. Inside was a grilled cheese sandwich and what looked like a cup of tomato soup.

He noticed me staring and disrupted my observation with a simple, "Grilled cheese sounded good." With that, he picked up the sandwich and took a bite.

The three of us sat there, eating, while "Jeopardy" played on the TV mounted on the wall. Charlie had a private room, which was nice, but I found myself eyeing the empty bed next to me.

"You never know when someone will be admitted in the middle of the night," Edward said, following my gaze.

"What are you, some sort of mind reader?" I asked, cheekily.

"Hardly, I'm just observant to a fault," he laughed, shaking his head.

After he finished, Edward excused himself from the room. It was nearly eight o'clock, and I had neglected to notice previously that he had stayed with us far beyond his obligation.

An hour later I figured he had left. I was surprised when he peeked in.

"Charlie, Bella, the nurses say you can stay a bit longer if you would like, but visiting hours are over," he informed us in a hushed voice.

I gestured for him to come into the room.

"I can't believe you are still here! I thought you left," I said to him.

"No, I just thought the two of you needed some time," he responded as he glanced over at Charlie.

"How long has he been out?" he asked, nodding at Charlie, who was now sleeping soundly.

"Only about ten minutes. He's exhausted," I answered, brushing his forehead with my hand.

"Why don't I get you home?"

"Oh, you don't have to do that. You have already done so, so much for us today."

"Actually, I left some of my things at your house, and I was hoping I could retrieve them," he answered. "I thought you could leave your car here at the hospital, I could swing by in the morning to pick you up. I can help you get Charlie situated at home after he's discharged that way."

"Are you an angel? I mean seriously, just for today you should be up for sainthood," I responded, amazed by his selfless ways.

"No, I'm hardly a candidate," he chuckled softly while Charlie stirred.

"Okay, I accept your offer then," I responded, kissing Charlie on the forehead, letting my eyes linger on his face for a moment. It was so difficult to leave him there.

I followed Edward from the hospital out to his silver Volvo, and in a very gentlemanly fashion, he opened my door.

He turned up the heat in the car and it warmed up so quickly, I was sure I looked flushed.

"Are you hot? Your cheeks look flushed," he commented as the thought went through my head.

"There you go, reading my mind again."

He laughed shyly. "Like I said, I'm just a very keen observer," he said, reaching with his magnificent hands to turn down the heat.

I could feel that my body was weighed down, fatigued, but my mind was in direct contrast, racing a mile a minute. I was wired and I knew that sleep wouldn't come easy. I hated leaving Charlie in the hospital. I couldn't bear the thought of being in the house without him.

"What's on your mind, Bella?" Edward asked innocently.

I paused. It was hard for me to let anyone in. It wasn't a matter of trust, I was just an intensely private and guarded person.

As if he could hear my thoughts again, he spoke up before I had a chance to answer. "It's okay Bella, it's not a command. I just...well,I just thought you might want to talk."

"I do want to talk. It's just difficult."

"Sometimes it helps to say it out loud, but it's difficult because that makes it real."

He had hit the nail on the head. I took a deep breath and opened myself up to him.

"Leaving him just now was harder than anything. I'm just so afraid that something is going to happen to him, something _major_, when I'm not around. I have to be there for him, for you _know_. I would never be able to forgive himself if I wasn't."

"What are you afraid of missing, Bella, tell me."

I knew the word he wanted me to say. It was the one word I avoided at all times when I was even thinking about Charlie.

"I'm afraid of not being there for him when he..._dies._" Oddly enough, as soon as the word was out of my mouth, I felt relieved.

"I'm sure you have been told before that your feelings are normal, because they are. But you must know that with Charlie's illness, you will likely have a good idea when the end of his life is near, and now is not that time. There are many obstacles that lie ahead, but Charlie has a fighting spirit and an incredible amount of will. I would be willing to bet he's not going anywhere anytime soon."

I was so lost in listening to his words of encouragement, I hadn't noticed we had pulled up to my darkened house. He didn't seem to mind that I was just sitting in his car, staring at him with wide eyes. Instead of responding, I retreated back inside myself and changed the subject. "Should we go get your things?" I asked, acknowledging that I was aware of our arrival.

"Of course, let's go."

As we walked up the stairs, I tripped up the last one, landing on the porch with a thud.

"Are you alright?" he asked, bending over to help me up. His capable hands gripped me firmly, and I could feel the heat of them through my jacket.

"Yeah, my legs just aren't working properly," I laughed, embarrassed.

"Come on, let's get you inside," he said.

I unlocked the door, flicked on some lights, and instantly realized how quiet the house was. Although Edward was still there, I already felt utterly alone. The events of the day, coupled with my embarrassing fall moments earlier brought tears to the surface. I didn't want to be alone. I should have stayed at the hospital with Charlie. The house was not a home without my dad there. I was afraid of the deep quiet that awaited me.

I was in such an emotional haze, I almost didn't hear him.

"Bella, I'm sorry if I pushed you. I shouldn't have done that," Edward's concerned voice broke through.

"No...it's not that," I choked out.

"What is it, then? Can I help?" His eyes portrayed his genuine concern, and his forehead was creased with worry. He led me to the couch and guided me to sit, taking the seat next to me and placing a comforting hand in the familiar place on my shoulder.

I spoke through my sniffles, "I'm sorry. I just feel so alone. My body is tired, but my mind won't shut down. And you have given so much of your time today. But, I was wondering...I know it's late, but, would you mind staying with me for a while?"

I saw him let out a breath. "I would be happy to stay here as long as you need me, okay?"

"Kay."

"Why don't you go change out of those clothes into something more comfortable." As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he realized the double entendre. His face turned bright red, right up to the tips of his ears.

"Don't worry Edward, I didn't take that the wrong way," I said, winding. I felt a bit of relief after his slip.

"Now who's the mind reader?" he asked, teasing me.

"I'm not a mind reader, I'm just a really good observer," I responded cheekily, as I got up and ran upstairs to change my clothes.

I couldn't figure out why, but I was in a rush to change, not bothering to put my clothes in a hamper, discarding them in a pile on the floor. I put on a pair of comfy sweats and a soft cotton t-shirt before making my way down stairs.

I plopped back down on the couch next to Edward.

"Feel better?" he asked, perhaps observing a change in my demeanor.

"I feel comfortable. This house seems big without Charlie here, though. Thanks for keeping my sorry ass company."

"Bella, you have to let up on yourself. You are far from sorry. Did you ever stop to think I might be interested in getting to know you better?"

I gulped.

_What was he saying? _

"I've learned a lot about you in my time with Charlie. You're his favorite topic of conversation," he said, as a smile appeared out of the corner of his mouth.

"If you want to get to know me, maybe you shouldn't rely on _Charlie_ for your information." I wanted to retract the words, and my tone, as soon as they were out of my mouth. But for some reason the smile on his lips widened, and he chuckled under his breath before changing the subject.

"Would you like some tea?"

"Um, shouldn't I be the one offering to make you tea?"

"I don't mind, really. Let me take care of you," he answered, imploring me with his gaze. I nodded and he disappeared into the kitchen.

I pulled a throw blanket over me as I heard Edward tinkering around in the kitchen. Charlie was right; there was something about Edward that just made him special. I was positive that well-payed or not, other private nurses wouldn't go to such great lengths for their patient's daughter. Of course, I was no expert on private nursing.

A few minutes later I heard the faint whistle of my old teapot, and soon after he emerged from the kitchen with a steamy cup and a glass of water. He handed the tea to me, his long fingers brushing against mine has he transferred the cup.

"Thank you," I said, blowing on the hot liquid lightly as if it would actually speed the cooling process. I inhaled the steamy vapor rising from the cup.

"It's chamomile; it should help to calm your mind."

"Well, thank you for the tea. But I was really saying thank you for earlier. You know...for urging me to say the word."

He brought the glass of water to his lips and took a sip. "You don't have to thank me, Bella."

"Yes, I do. I know Charlie has told you a lot about me, but really, we haven't talked much since that first meeting, and now you're sitting here with me, making me tea and keeping me company. It's just so kind. You're kind."

"So are you. I already know you are incredible."

I felt a fierce blush appear at his words. _Was he complimenting me? And if so, why?_

"Remind me to talk to my dad tomorrow, he needs to find a new topic of conversation."

"No, that's not the reason I feel that way. Many people in your situation couldn't handle a parent's illness the way you have. It's not their fault, but really, it's takes an amazing human being to sacrifice everything to care for someone else. Even if it is the person nearest and dearest to their heart"

His flattering statement combined with my fatigue, general frustration and draining day was a recipe for a breakdown of epic proportions, and I burst into tears. Edward rescued the tea, which was about to slip from my hands, and before I knew it, his arms were wrapped around me. He didn't say a word as I choked and blubbered; he only ran his hand up and down my back in small, slow circles. As he pulled away, I wanted to pull him back, but I didn't. I was a mess.

"You're so tired Bella. Why don't you lie down. I'll be right here if you need anything." He looked at me, concern wearing on his expression.

I felt awful. Not once had he wavered. He hadn't even mentioned going home. If he was exhausted, he didn't show it, and I decided the least I could do was follow his advice. I watched as he walked around the living room, turning off two of the three lamps before running his fingers along the books on the wall opposite the couch, eventually seeming to find what he was looking for. As he walked over to Charlie's chair and sat down, half of his face was obscured by the near dark room.

"Would you like me to read to you?" he asked, lulling me into acceptance with his mere voice.

"That sounds nice," I replied, lifting my head for a sip of tea.

"I hope you don't mind, but I selected one of myfavorites," he said.

"Please, go ahead."

As soon as he started, I was impressed and intrigued by his choice at the same time. The words started to pour melodically from his lips, as he read the first part of "The Highway Man" by Alfred Noyes. His tone was haunting and deep, and I felt the words as he spoke them.

"_The Highwayman _

_PART ONE _

_I _

_THE wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees,  
The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,  
The road was a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor,  
And the highwayman came riding—  
Riding—riding—  
The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn-door. _

_II _

_He'd a French cocked-hat on his forehead, a bunch of lace at his chin,  
A coat of the claret velvet, and breeches of brown doe-skin;  
They fitted with never a wrinkle: his boots were up to the thigh!  
And he rode with a jewelled twinkle,  
His pistol butts a-twinkle,  
His rapier hilt a-twinkle, under the jewelled sky. _

_III _

_Over the cobbles he clattered and clashed in the dark inn-yard,  
And he tapped with his whip on the shutters, but all was locked and barred;  
He whistled a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there  
But the landlord's black-eyed daughter,  
Bess, the landlord's daughter,  
Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair. _

_IV _

_And dark in the dark old inn-yard a stable-wicket creaked _

_Where Tim the ostler listened; his face was white and peaked;  
His eyes were hollows of madness, his hair like mouldy hay,  
But he loved the landlord's daughter,  
The landlord's red-lipped daughter,  
Dumb as a dog he listened, and he heard the robber say— _

_V _

_"One kiss, my bonny sweetheart, I'm after a prize to-night,  
But I shall be back with the yellow gold before the morning light;  
Yet, if they press me sharply, and harry me through the day,  
Then look for me by moonlight,  
Watch for me by moonlight,  
I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way." _

_VI _

_He rose upright in the stirrups; he scarce could reach her hand,  
But she loosened her hair i' the casement! His face burnt like a brand  
As the black cascade of perfume came tumbling over his breast;  
And he kissed its waves in the moonlight,  
(Oh, sweet, black waves in the moonlight!) _

_Then he tugged at his rein in the moonlight, and galloped away to the West"_

The last thing I remember before drifting off was Edward's eyes, at least, the one I could see, and the way it twinkled in the faint glow of the room as he moved on to part two of the poem.


	6. Chapter 6

Again, thanks to SusanAshlea my beta for this chapter and my Vishous forever, true?

Also, thanks to those of you who are reading/favoriting/reviewing this story. A little piece of my heart is included in every chapter.

The sound of my cell phone startled me awake, and I jumped to attention, still half asleep. It took me more than a minute to get my bearings, since I was on the couch in my living room. Then I saw the little purple note next to my cell phone.

_Dear Bella,_

_I slipped out only after I was sure that you were solidly asleep._

_I hope you don't mind that I set your cell phone alarm. _

_I'll be by to pick you up at 8:30 so we can head to the hospital._

_~E_

For some reason, the note struck a chord deep inside. I looked at the clock; it was seven-thirty. I had an hour to get ready. I felt a twinge in my stomach as I thought about Edward picking me up, though I wasn't sure why. We were going to the hospital for goodness sakes, not on a date.

Edward arrived promptly at eight-thirty. When I saw his car pull up, I went to the door, trying to save him an unnecessary trip up the stairs, but he was already halfway to the door when I shut it behind me.

"Good morning Bella, I hope you slept well."

"I did. I don't think I moved after I fell asleep. You must have arrived home so late; please be sure to bill us for the time."

"Not everything is about money, Bella," he answered as he opened his car door for me.

"I know it's not. But, you have to earn a living," I continued as he joined me in the car.

"So, in regards to that - you know, doing my job- I was thinking about your stairs up to the house."

"Yeah?" I asked, completely in the dark. _Was he alluding to my embarrassing fall the night before? God, that had really happened, hadn't it?_

"Charlie is going to have a hard time navigating them in the foreseeable future. You should consider having a ramp put in," he clarified.

I hadn't even thought about the stairs. _How could I not think about the stairs?_ _Gosh, you have become an expert at neglecting reality_,I chided myself silently.

"Oh, I hadn't even thought of that," I said, ignoring my internal dialogue.

"Once Charlie has returned home, I was thinking about going over a few things with him. It might be time to adjust the schedule."

"I'm going to put this in your capable hands, you obviously know how these things go better than I do."

"Actually, Charlie is my first regular patient. I've only subbed for other private nurses before," Edward admitted.

"I never would have known. I mean, you seem young, but you are gracefully confident. I bet the patients you sub for hate to see you leave. I can't imagine someone being better than you."

"Thank you. That is quite a high compliment."

"You're welcome," I replied simply as we pulled up to the hospital. I let myself out of the car and Edward joined me as we walked in. I still was in awe of his unfettered devotion to both Charlie and me over the last twenty-four hours. I couldn't help but think of him as an angel, he was just that precious.

"I promise to stop gushing, but I just wanted to say how grateful I am to have had you around yesterday...and last night, too."

"No thanks necessary."

I couldn't help but thank him over and over again. I was running out of original ways in which to do so.

As soon as we arrived at Charlie's room, I noticed that Dr. Cullen was already in with him.

"Hey...there's my beau-ti-ful gir-luh," he stuttered, his speech noticeably worse. I tried to keep calm, although I couldn't ignore the difference.

"Hey dad," I said, walking over to him. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Tire-d, bu-ut, good. I can't real-ly talk too well," he muffled, groaning in frustration afterward.

"Hi Bella. I'm sorry to interject, but it would be easier if I could just talk to you about what's happening," Dr. Cullen cut in.

"He was feeling just fine last night, did something else happen?"

My eyes followed Edward, as he came to sit on Charlie's other side.

"Nothing else happened, per say. But I was just explaining to Charlie here that there are other signs of progression, besides the stress on his heart."

"But nothing has ever changed so quickly before," I protested.

"That's the thing that makes it so difficult to treat ALS. Sometimes the changes occur over time, other times things seemingly happen overnight," he said, his tone oozing comfort.

"So, what exactly is going on right now?" I grabbed Charlie's hand and held it.

"As far as I can tell, his respiratory system is under a bit of duress. His lungs are having a difficult time pushing the air through. This is part of the reason his speech is more labored. There are some things to discuss, but for now, I am going to discharge him."

"Is that okay though, to discharge him?" I asked.

"Absolutely, he just needs to keep activity to a minimum and rest as much as possible."

"Woo hoo," Charlie breathed out. I noticed he was smiling, taking it all in stride.

I, on the other hand, wanted to explode, throw things, and scream out in frustration. I hated ALS more than anything. I painfully repressed my anger, tucked it away for when I could expel it uninterrupted and when I wasn't in a hospital full of people capable of committing me.

"Charlie, Bella, I have rounds now, but please, don't hesitate to call me anytime," he said, handing me his card. "My personal cell phone is on the back there."

"Thanks Dr. Cullen."

"The nurses should be in to kick you out shortly Charlie. I'm going to borrow my son in the meantime."

Charlie nodded and lifted his hand to wave goodbye. If a stranger observed it, they probably would have assumed he was lazy, but I knew that gesture alone took great strength.

"I'm still ok-kay, Bells. Still me." It was indescribably torturous to hear him struggle to get out a few words. Things just had become remarkably brutal.

Thirty minutes later, Edward and I were helping Charlie into a wheelchair. I couldn't help but let it sink in that soon this would be every day. With the changes that happened over the span of forty-eight hours, I could only assume that "his wheels" would be next. I wanted to run away from it; I felt claustrophobic, suffocated by the grim reality baring down on me with a metric ton worth of weight.

As we arrived at my truck, I realized the next challenge was right in front of us. As we each took an arm and helped Charlie to his feet, he said "I don't think I ca-an pull my-uh-self up," he let out an exasperated sigh.

"I have my car here. Since I'm seeing you home, why don't we make this easy and put you in the passenger seat of my car?" Edward offered, coming to the rescue for what must have been the hundredth time.

Charlie nodded and slumped back into the chair. Five minutes later, he was in Edward's car as I returned, alone, to my truck.

I took the lead, with Edward and Charlie following behind. I was grateful they couldn't see my tear stained face or hear my fists as they pounded against the steering wheel. ALS was no longer allowing us time to adjust. The four wonderful carefree months had been followed by two short days of hardships, casting away my hopes with reckless abandon. I tried to rub the salt crystals out of my eyes, and recompose myself a few minutes before we pulled into the driveway at my house. I ran and unlocked the front door, opening it before returning to help Edward and Charlie up the stairs. It took us nearly ten minutes to get him up five steps.

Edward had been right, the stairs were going to be an issue, if they weren't already.

As we ushered into the house in silence, my dad ended up being the first to speak. "I think I need to go rest."

"Let's get you to your room," Edward said, his voice a mitigating force.

I was afraid to say anything, seeing that my emotions were not entirely in check, and I didn't want to make anything harder than it already was.

"Do you want me to turn on the TV dad?" I asked as we helped him into bed.

"Nah. I think I ju-s-t want to sleep. But puh-lease, Bells, talk to Ed-"

I cut him off, impatiently. I wanted to say the words for him. "I will dad. I love you." I leaned down and kissed him on his forehead.

"You too."

Edward walked out of the room and I followed shortly behind him. He went directly to the kitchen, where we both sat down at the kitchen table.

"Bella, I know it's been a rough couple of days, so we can put off discussing things if you would like."

"No," I said, shaking my head back and forth. "I need to deal with this now, before something else changes, before, I...uh-"

"Okay," he stopped me. His hand inched towards mine and I instinctively reached mine towards his. He finally put his hand on mine, and our eyes met. This small gesture of comfort had a monumental impact.

"I spoke with Charlie on the drive here. I'm going to start coming by three times a week. I'm also going to order a wheelchair for him. We are also planning to go over some legal documentation he should have on file." He didn't break eye contact, except to blink. I wanted to get lost in the jade pools that were his irises but I couldn't lose my head to their hypnotizing effect.

"What legal documentation?"

He took a deep breath, and I thought I saw a slight flicker of worry in his eyes. "Bella," he hesitated your dad would like to put a DNR order in place. He also wants to take a look at his will and possibly revise it."

"DNR? Correct me if I'm wrong but doesn't that stand for _do not resuscitate?"_

"Yes," he answered simply, squeezing my hand with his.

"No! I thought you told me that we had time. That I would know! Have time to prepare!" My voice was raised, my growing anger leveled in his direction.

"Bella, it's only a precautionary measure; it's not intended for immediate use. Charlie wants to make decisions while he can still communicate verbally. He wants you be involved, if it's not too difficult."

"Well I will never, ever agree to just let him go without a fighting chance!" Now the voice escaping from me was one of desperation and pleading. I needed him to take my side, to aid me in convincing Charlie there was always hope.

"Charlie has not given up, and signing a DNR isn't a sign of him throwing in the towel. It just means he wants to be control of his own future. He doesn't want someone making decisions on his behalf when he is perfectly capable of making those decisions himself. Certainly, that must make sense to you on some level."

I finally let my eyes drop from his and looked down at the table. My mind was in a direct struggle with my heart, and I was afraid they both might be destroyed before they came to any sort of happy medium. I tried to let Edward's explanation saturate my frenzied thoughts before speaking again.

"How do you do that Edward?"

"Do what?" he asked.

"Say things in such a way that I can't argue with them."

"I always aim to provide perspective, it's all I can really do. Sometimes it's hard to navigate these situations. I've just learned to function as a compass." His voice was assured but in no way arrogant.

"Seriously, I have yet to find a flaw in you Edward Cullen." A half laugh escaped as I shook my head in disbelief.

"No one is perfect, Bella. I'm just solid in these types of situations," he retorted.

I wanted to confide in him. For some reason, I just felt compelled in his presence. Still, I had to keep in mind that this wasn't his life, even if it was more than a job to him.

Would my internal struggles ever end or only multiply?

"Can I share something with you?"

"Please," was all he said in response.

"I am sick with guilt right now. My ribs are aching with the pain of my thoughts. Hearing him struggle to speak earlier, I was feeling anxious. I wanted to make him say the words faster, or tell him not to talk. When I heard him today, instead of comforting him, I just wanted to scream. I wanted to break things and then wallow in the aftermath of my own destruction. My character is weak at best."

"No, you are just trying to rationalize a situation that you can't." His hand was back on mine, and this time he rubbed his lithe fingers over my own with delicate strokes, never breaking contact. "I would be pissed if I were you too. Charlie's a great man. You know, my dad couldn't stop talking about him when he first became his patient."

"Really?" I asked, my curiosity piqued.

"Yep. He was impressed by his spirit, his will to beat the odds. He told me about him right away, though he didn't disclose any private information. I knew immediately I wanted to meet him. I must say, I was slightly disappointed I didn't hear from you for two months."

"Well, in case you haven't noticed, my stubbornness is inherited."

"Yes, and in some ways quite endearing." He stated this a decibel or two below his normal tone. Still, I heard him and felt my cheeks begin to warm, and I allowed myself to get lost in the moment. I think he must have too because we both sat there in comfortable quiet.

"Bella," he said, breaking our silent reverie, "There's one last thing. Do you think you can do some research on a conversion ramp for the stairs?"

"Sure, of course," I answered.

"That's great. I will start coming by on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays. I'm sorry, but I should really get going now. I have dinner plans with my mom."

"Of course," I replied, standing up to walk him out.

"You have my father's cell and mine. Please, don't be afraid to use them if you need to."

"I won't."

"I'll see you tomorrow then Bella." His crooked smile brightened his already illuminated face.

"Sounds good. Thanks for all your help again."

He only smiled in return, opening the door and walking through it.

I walked back to Charlie's bedroom and opened the door carefully to check on him. He was sound asleep. I made sure to observe that he was indeed breathing, watching as his chest expanded, listening as the air whistled lightly as he exhaled through his mouth. I shut the door softly behind me and walked out to the living room. I sat down on the couch, drawing my legs up and tucking my feet underneath. I wanted to talk and decided to call Alice. I needed to hear a familiar voice.

The phone rang once. Twice. Three Times. On the fourth ring she answered.

"Hey B? How's it going?"

"Alice, it's not going well at all."

"Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. You have my full and undivided attention for as long as you need."

Once again, I purged my verging-on-insane thoughts to Alice, explaining the nightmare of the last two days. She listened quietly, letting me regurgitate everything without interruption. Only when I had finished, did she offer me her thoughts.

"Bella, I don't know how you're doing it. I don't even know what I can say. I wish I was a genius geneticist or something, so I could whip up a cure and hand it over in an artfully wrapped package with a big bow and a get well soon card."

"Just listening to me is a gift. I hate talking about it, but when I do, I feel better afterward."

"Anytime you need me you call! I don't care if it's the middle of the night. I love you so much, Bella."

"I love you too. I'll call you in a few days."

"I can hardly wait," she said.

"Later, A."

"See ya, B."

And the line went dead on the other end..

Charlie slept solidly for another three hours. I took advantage of the time, researching about the ramp conversions as Edward had asked me to. About an hour in, the phone rang. I saw on the caller ID that it was Billy and picked up the phone. I hadn't even called any of Charlie's buddies to let them know about what had gone down.

"Hello Billy, how are you doing?"

"Just fine Bella, that old buzzard around?"

"Actually, he's sleeping. It's been a rough couple of days."

"Oh?" he asked.

"Charlie had a mild heart attack yesterday; I'm sorry I didn't call, we only just got home today."

"How's he doing now?" asked Billy, in a noticeably concerned tone. I fought back the tears once again, wanting to maintain my composure.

"Things are changing again. He's really struggling to talk and his respiratory system has become affected by everything. Now I'm busy trying to decide how to go about getting a ramp installed. He had a hard time navigating the stairs when he got home."

"Tell me about it! It's about time you rolled out the red carpet for me, I've only been coming by for the past twenty years." I hadn't even considered that our stairs were a weekly-obstacle for Billy, even though it was obvious. Charlie along with Billy's son, Jacob, had always just assisted him up the stairs. I felt ashamed I hadn't considered that before.

"Tell you what Bella. I'll make some calls and see if I can help out with that one. It's a win-win situation for me."

"Hey, you really don't have to do that."

"I want to, dear. Hey, tell your old man to holler at me when he joins the waking world again, okay."

"Will do. Goodnight Billy."

"Goodnight Bella. You hang in there girl."

"I'll do my best," I responded before hanging up the phone.

When Charlie woke up a couple hours later, he was hungry, and his speech had improved a bit.

"What can I fix you for dinner, Dad?"

"You know, I think I would love some breakfast for dinner."

"Eggs and bacon? Or were you thinking pancakes?"

"I'll take option one and some toast. Thank you, honey."

"You're welcome, dad."

He seemed better, and the color had returned to his cheeks. Maybe I had panicked? Maybe he was just worn out from what his body had gone through? Either way, I couldn't allow myself to think things would always continue along the same path. I had to expect the unexpected with Charlie and it was not an easy thing for me to do. I liked order, predictability, and with the damn ALS there was none of that. I felt like a warrior, headed into battle, knowing nothing about the enemy.

As I set the piping food in front of him, eggs over easy with crisp bacon and sourdough toast, Charlie smiled.

"We'll get through this, Bells."

"Yeah, I know," I said, my voice cracking a bit as I held the tears at bay once again. "Billy called. I told him what happened over the last couple of days. He wants you to call when you're up for it."

Charlie nodded as he put a small forkful of eggs to his lips. It was oddly comforting to watch him eat. I didn't want things to change again, but there was no denying they would.

Looking forward to any and all thoughts! MWAH!


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks to SusanAshlea for her beautiful beta work on this chapter. She encouraged me to write this after reading the first (and only) chapter I had written at the time. I would like to say that I have read both books listed in this chapter. Seriously, if you have the time, read The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. It's a quick read, and there's obviously sadness, but also inspiration. It's a good reminder that although someone may be incapacitated, it doesn't mean they're not there.**

**The holidays are are upon us.**

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Chapter 7

The next two months we were caught up in a whirlwind of activity.

Not only had Billy made some calls, he had arranged the building of the ramp. It was incredible. Billy came over to keep Charlie company while his son Jake and the boys from the station came and actually installed the ramp. I cooked a celebratory meal, homemade chili and cornbread, and Charlie was tickled when they had him cut ceremoniously through a red ribbon. The guys had busted it out in a day.

Edward continued on his path to sainthood, having ordered the wheelchair, which was being custom made for Charlie, and completing the ugly paperwork with him as well. I decided not to participate, but I did review it all when it was done. Unless Charlie changed his mind, the DNR he signed would remain in his file. I hoped the time for which it was required was a long way off.

Edward continued coming in three days a week, staying three to four hours each time. In the afternoons, he read to Charlie.

I found myself getting sucked in when he read to Charlie, sometimes unable to peel myself off of the couch. The first book he read was incredibly inspirational, and I could understand why he chose the particular book. It was called _The Diving Bell and the Butterfly_. It was written after the author, Jean Dominque Bauby, suffered a stroke, becoming a victim of "Locked-in" syndrome. The entire book was written by Bauby blinking his left eyelid, which took ten months (four hours a day). A transcriber repeatedly recited a French language frequency-ordered alphabet, until Bauby blinked to choose the next letter. The book took about 200,000 blinks to write and an average word took approximately two minutes.

The story was tragic, inspiring, and quite a miraculous feat. Edward had a way of reading that made everything sound like a poem as words dripped from his lips. I found it hard to leave when he read to Charlie, remembering the night he had calmed me to the point of sleep by reading _The Highwayman. _He was almost apermanent fixture in our lives. Despite that fact, we still hadn't had him over for dinner, and he always brought his own lunch. Things were kept on a strictly professional level, in spite of the way he meshed with us and provided support in more than a clinical way.

Charlie's symptoms went through ebbs and flows. Sometimes his speech was so poor, he couldn't do anything but nod his head. Other times he was a jabber box, despite his impediment. I teasingly calling him "Warp," as I had likened his speech to the sound of a warped record. My dad actually liked it, and was happy that I had found some comedy in the otherwise depressing situation.

Somehow, I had broken through some sort of wall. I still had my emotional battles, but there spans of time in between them were longer. I didn't allow myself to grow complacent, instead I read online for hours about ALS, trying to be informed. I even picked up a copy of "Tuesday's with Morrie," from the library. The story obviously struck a chord, and I felt a little less alone in my experience.

As Thanksgiving approached, I was happy to find that Charlie would indeed make it to his favorite holiday and mine. Alice was coming to spend the holiday with us, as well as Billy and his son Jake. Alice usually wound up with us as her parents were generally off traveling to some exotic locale. I begged her to bring Jasper, but he had plans to spend Thanksgiving with family in New Orleans. I thought she might want to go with him, but she said she missed "her family" and couldn't imagine spending it anywhere else than with us.

Little did I know, we would end up with another guest.

The Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving, as Edward was leaving, Charlie stopped him.

"Bella, I invited Edward here to Thanksgiving. Turns out his parents are headed out of the country to do some mission work. He usually goes with them, but he decided to hang back because of me," Charlie informed me.

I watched as Edward stuffed his beautiful hands in his pockets, and looked down bashfully.

"Of course you are welcome, Edward, but isn't there a way for you to join your parents? I hate to think about you sacrificing your traditions. Charlie and I can handle a few days by ourselves."

"That's my girl," interjected Charlie.

"I really can't make the arrangements on such short notice. I didn't mean to invite myself over."

"You didn't. I did," retorted my dad, who was salty as ever.

"We would love to have you," I said in a soft tone. "Besides, you are one the many things we are thankful for this year. These past eight months would have been a nightmare without you. Please come."

"Thank you. I would love to. And please don't feel any guilt over me skipping my family tradition. It was my decision to do so, and Charlie caught me off guard when he asked about my plans. I had offers to spend the time with my friends in New York, but I wasn't really into that. Traveling during the holidays is not my idea of a good time, if you know what I mean," he explained with a chuckle.

"I do," I affirmed. Having been on the booking end of arrangements for holiday travelers, I knew to avoid traveling during that time like the plague.

"So, I will see you Saturday. Charlie, thanks again."

"It's nothing. The more the merrier in my book." I noticed as Charlie smiled in his innocent way, he had really forged a bond with Edward. It was baffling to me that he had already been his nurse for eight months. Life, at that point, would be unimaginable without him.

I could hardly relate to my former self, the one that was so reluctant to ask for help. Now I couldn't fathom the hardship of facing the cruel disease on my own. Now I was willing to accept any and all offers for help. I was growing, and that was just another one of the many things I was thankful for.

When Edward came on Saturday, I took the opportunity to go out and buy everything I needed for Thanksgiving. It would actually be the first time ever I was preparing the meal without Charlie. He had always been at the helm in the kitchen for the holiday; I functioned as his sous chef.

Of course, I loved cooking and didn't mind doing it, and the Thanksgiving meal was hard to beat. I planned to make all the traditional items you would expect on the day, except for the green bean casserole. Charlie and I had our own veggie side dish, broccoli casserole. It was a staple in our house and my personal favorite.

On Thanksgiving morning, Billy called to tell us that Jake was bringing his new girlfriend for dinner. It was sure to be an interesting night with all the diverging personalities. I didn't know Jake very well, despite our fathers' relationship. We went to different schools and he always returned to the rez after dropping his dad off to visit. After high school he had decided to pursue a career as a firefighter. To me it was one of -if not the most- noble jobs. Of course, what Edward did was quite noble as well.

At one o'clock I helped Charlie with the buttons on his favorite blue dress shirt. His eyes sparkled with anticipation of the day and his favorite meal of the year.

"I am happy you're doing the cooking this year." His words came out in garbles but I understood him clearly. It was like listening to someone with a heavy accent; it just required a bit of patience to comprehend.

"I hope it lives up to your expectations dad."

"I haven't a doubt," he returned, a goofy, almost bashful smile adorning his face.

As I finished with the buttons, I complimented, "You look pretty spiffy."

"Thanks hon. I'd look like a half-dressed hobo without you."

We both laughed out loud at that.

Our father-daughter moment ended abruptly with a knock at the door. I ran to open it, knowing I would find Alice on the other side. When I opened the door, she nearly mauled me, wrapping her arms around me tightly and giving me a good squeeze.

"Happy Thanksgiving, B!" she squealed in my ear.

"You too, A, I'm so glad you're here."

Charlie finally appeared at my side, every step taken with caution. He couldn't purse his lips to whistle, so he tried to mimic the sound with his voice when he saw Alice appear. "Wow, what a knockout," he said.

"Charlie!" Alice pealed as she made up the short distance between them, nearly knocking him off balance as she enveloped him in a hug. The girl really didn't know her own strength. She was also unfailingly beautiful, naturally glamorous. Her high cheekbones, rosy cheeks, and dewy complexion made it impossible for her to look bad. She rolled out of bed looking like a high fashion model, other than her short stature, of course. Her black Jersey dress had mid length sleeves and a tear drop opening at the back of the neck that dipped down to the middle of her back. It's hemline ended tastefully, just above the knee, and she wore wine-colored tights and spiky Mary Jane shoes. Her long hair had been parted asymmetrically and pulled into two deliberately-messy buns at the nape of her neck. Charlie was right, she was a knockout.

"You both look incredible!" she complimented. I was still in jeans and a flour-covered t-shirt. I had to change before anyone else arrived.

Alice ran up stairs to dispose of her travel bag and came back downstairs in a flash. "Need help with anything, Bella?"

"Actually, I was so anxious for everything to be just right, I'm pretty much done. I made the cranberry last night, stuffed and put the turkey in the oven at eleven and prepared all the remaining ingredients for the accompaniments. Billy and Jake are bringing the pies, and other than that, I just have to set the table."

"It will be crazy to see Jake all grown up, I don't think I've been around him since we were fifteen."

"Has it really been that long?" Charlie interjected.

"Yeah, nearly ten years. I swear the passage of time just keeps accelerating."

"Yeah, wish it would wait for my body to catch up," Charlie said, in jest.

"Oh Charlie, you're always ready with an inappropriate joke, and that's why I love you so much," Alice responded without skipping a beat.

I knew it was going to be one of the best days in a long time, I could feel it in the air.

I left the two of them to continue their banter and made my way upstairs to get dressed in something a little more festive. Well, as festive as I ever liked to get. I shimmied into a tailored, denim pencil skirt and a taupe colored cami with a matching lightweight cardigan on top. I slid into the complementing, leather taupe ballet flats - the girliest shoes in my small collection- and headed to the bathroom to apply some make up; it was a rare occasion indeed.

I smoothed shimmery, cream colored eye shadow across my lids, and slowly lengthened my lashes with mascara, careful not to jab myself in the eye (it had happened before). I finished my short makeover with a clear gloss that I liked because it didn't ever get sticky on my lips. It also tasted like vanilla.

When I was presentable, I walked downstairs to find Alice and Charlie jabbering away in the exact same spots I had left them.

My dad saw me first. "Awww, my beautiful Bells. You look exquisite." He smiled proudly.

I was completely uncomfortable and blushed at his words. Even my dad made me red. "Well, I'm still no knockout like this one over here!" I said, gesturing to Alice as I found a seat at her side.

"Shut up, you! You're just a different brand of knockout, but still a knockout nonetheless," Alice said, her tone insistent. Charlie nodded fervently in agreement.

At three o'clock, our group doubled when Billy, Jake and Jake's new girlfriend, Rosalie arrived. Boy, if Alice and I were knockouts, Rosalie qualified as a bombshell. Her hair was shiny and golden, and by the looks of it, her natural color. It fell in large, thick curls down past her shoulders. Her lips were frosted with cherry-red lipstick complimenting her ivory complexion and bright blue eyes. She could have been a pin up, turned out I wasn't that far off.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Billy." I said, ushering our guests into the house.

"I'll tell you what I'm thankful for Bella, that spanking new ramp out there. I might just move in."

"I don't think I could handle two grumpy old men, so don't sell your place just yet," I teased.

Billy chuckled at my reply and said, "Smells damn good in here Bella. Can't wait for dinner."

Introductions and re-introductions were made. I had seen Jake a few times recently, but Alice obviously hadn't and was gawking, to Rosalie's obvious dismay.

"Wow Jake, firefighter works for you. I can't believe how you have filled out and up," Alice said bluntly.

"I was fourteen the last time you saw me, little girl! I'm twenty-four now, it sort of happens." A dimple appeared in his left cheek as he smiled proudly.

"Hey, watch who you call little, or I'll show you what this 'little girl' is capable of." Alice didn't like it when references to her petite stature were made.

"You know I think you're anything but small Brandon. Just remember, you were the one to bring up size."

"Here are the pies. I baked them myself," Rosalie interrupted the banter between Alice and Jake.

I nudged Alice out of the way and took one of the pies from Rosalie. "Thank you so much. If it weren't for you, I'm positive we wouldn't be having any pie at all; and homemade to boot," I offered, trying to sooth her obvious frustration.

"My pleasure; they are my great-grandmother's recipes. One is pecan pie with shortbread crust and the other is your classic pumpkin." Her tone softened after my small gesture and the air immediately cleared. I was just about to compliment Rosalie on her red sweater dress that hugged every precarious curve of her body, when the phone rang.

I picked up the receiver and held it up to my ear as Alice politely offered to get everyone drinks. "Hello," I answered.

"Iz, happy Thanksgiving. You sound especially cheery today." Emmett sounded pleasantly surprised.

"Happy Thanksgiving to you," I smiled as I answered. Please give your family my love. And yes, I'm having a great day so far."

"That, alone, I am thankful for. You deserve good days more than anyone I know."

I felt a little choked up at his sentiment, but stuffed it back down; I wanted this Thanksgiving to be a celebration above all else.

"Thanks Em. It's...good to hear from you. Reminds me of old times." I couldn't help but think about all the Thanksgivings we had spent together. Before Charlie was sick. Before we were married. Before we were divorced.

"Izzy- I just miss you at this time of year. Part of me wishes I were there." His tone was sincere.

"I know exactly how you feel. A part of me always misses you too." I shut my eyes and leaned my head against the wall, starting to feel the conflicting emotions emerge. Emmett was and always would be my first love; it was only natural for nostalgia to creep up on me during the holidays. I was also painfully aware of the fact that we would never work, no matter how bad either of us may have wanted it to.

I tucked the memories safely away and took a deep breath I hoped didn't register over the phone. "Emmett, I love you. Go enjoy every moment you have with your family; you never know if it will be the last time."

"Thanks, I promise not take anything for granted. Give everyone my love, Charlie especially, and...I love you too."

"Night Em," I said, before placing the receiver back in its cradle.

The call made me a bit somber but I was only distracted for a moment. I went to check on the turkey; the steamy heat hit my face in a rush, and the savory scent enveloped my nose. The bird was beginning to turn a beautiful golden color, so I basted it with a combination of its own juices, chicken broth, and apple cider. It looked like it was going to turn out well. After, I put the potatoes on to boil, I poured myself a glass of Layer Cake Malbec, my current red wine obsession, and headed out to join everyone else.

"That was Emmett," I said, as I entered the room. "He wishes everyone a happy Thanksgiving."

I noticed Charlie had a bottle of beer in hand. "Hey dad, what's that you got there?"

"Mac & Jacks Amber; Jake brought it with him." You could only find Mac & Jacks in Washington State, and it was a tasty micro brew.

"I hope that's alright Bella," Jake said, concern in his voice.

"What, for him to drink? He's an adult, and free to do as he pleases." Again, I felt like a parent, but Charlie was not my child. "Cheers everyone," I said, clinking my wine glass against Charlie's beer bottle before taking a swig.

Just then, there was another knock at the door. I knew it could only be one person and I felt...excited? Yes, I was excited for Edward to arrive. The wine was already affecting my head apparently. I had seen Edward just a few short days earlier.

I walked over to the door as the conversation in the room resumed. When I opened it, I was immediately struck as I laid eyes upon the man revealed behind my front door. It was the first time I really noticed how exquisitely handsome Edward really was. He was dressed in steel gray, straight legged but slightly loose cords, and a freshly pressed white collared shirt. His sleeves were rolled up to mid- forearm. His captivating hands were full, two bottles of wine in one, a resplendent bouquet of flowers in the other. His auburn hair was tousled into a sort of styled disarray and his jade eyes were clear and piercing through his enviable lashes.

"Happy Thanksgiving Bella," his satin voice broke through my stupefied brain.

_How had his beauty escaped my notice for so long?_

"Same to you Edward, I'm so happy you decided to join us. You really didn't have to bring flowers, but they are so gorgeous."

"As are you this evening," he outright complimented.

"Thank you," I stammered, blushing ferociously.

"Everyone, this is Edward," I introduced him as we walked into the living room.

I began to relay everyone else's identity to him. "Billy you know, and you may remember Jake from the ramp build. Rosalie is Jake's girlfriend and that one over there," I held my hand out in Alice's direction, is Alice."

Before Edward could even respond, Alice had jumped to attention and made her way over to him.

"Bella always saves the best for last," she said with a wink. "Good to meet you, Edward."

"You too, Alice. It's good to see you all again and to meet you as well, Rosalie."

"Can I get you something to drink?" I asked.

"A glass of red would be lovely, whatever you have open is fine."

"Why don't you have a seat and visit while we get that for you," Alice piped up, taking both the bottles of wine from him. I took the bouquet comprised of bright red lilies and tulips, green mums, and yellow Peruvian lilies. It smelled exotic and tropical and I inhaled deeply as we walked to the kitchen.

As soon as we were out of earshot, Alice grabbed me abruptly. "Swanie, you have some explaining to do. How in the hell did you fail to mention to your bestest bestie in the whole world that Charlie's nurse was so flipping hot?"

"Um...I guess I really just became acutely aware of that fact."

She laughed a wicked little laugh. "You expect me to believe that for one second?"

"I swear on Prada, Louis Vuitton, Armani, and Gucci that I've just been too preoccupied with other things to really take him in." I grabbed a vase from under the sink and began to fill it with water. She retrieved a glass from the cupboard and poured Edward a glass of the Malbec.

"Does he have a girlfriend?"

"I don't know," I responded through gritted teeth. "We shouldn't even be talking about this; he's my dad's nurse. Any involvement with him could be sort of messy."

"Bella, Bella, Bella. I saw the way you both went all gooey eyed when you opened the door. He was looking too."

"Please, can we talk about it later? Now is not the time for a conversation of epic proportions."

"I'm not giving up on this. Not by a long shot. But, I will let you be. For now." She squinted her eyes and pursed her lips at me, indicating she meant business.

She picked up the glass of wine, turned on her heel, and walked out of the kitchen. I arranged the flowers in the vase and set it in the center of the dining room table. I checked on the turkey, basted it again, and slipped the broccoli casserole and sweet potatoes in to bake. I finally set the plates and silverware on the table and lit the tall candles on either side of the flower arrangement. The table looked picturesque, and I felt very accomplished. So far, Thanksgiving was going off without a hitch.

Thirty minutes after Edward's arrival the turkey was ready to come out of the oven and everyone had ingested just enough alcohol to stave off any uncomfortable getting-to-know you feelings. As the turkey cooled, I prepared the rich cider-gravy and the buttery mashed potatoes. I opted to stir in some cream for extra richness; Thanksgiving was about allowing yourself to indulge, at least for me.

Alice had appointed herself the cocktail waitress for the evening, always making sure every glass was full. We finally gathered at the dining room table fifteen minutes later. Billy had offered his masterful carving services and began to slice the bird as Charlie cleared his throat to speak.

"Those of you who have shared this holiday with me before know it is my favorite above all others. Good food and drink, football all day, and time with family is more than I could ever ask for. Some of you at the table I have known for years, others months, and one of you I met just today. But none of that matters. What does though is that I consider each one of you my family and I am so thankful that you have decided to spend this special occasion with me. I would like to thank the most wonderful girl in the world, my daughter Bella, for giving me everything to live for and so much to be grateful for. I love you honey. Now, eat hearty everyone!" He raised his glass, and everyone followed suit, as a chorus of "Happy Thanksgivings" filled the air. I was glad for the volume as I choked back the tears that were threatening to spill over after his touching dedication.

With our plates filled, for the first few minutes of dinner you could only hear the sounds of forks clinking, mouths slurping and chewing of the bounty.

"Bella, this may just be one of the best Thanksgiving dinners I've ever had," Jake complimented.

"Really Bella, it's delicious," echoed Rosalie.

"I love this broccoli dish," Edward piped in.

"Oh that's Bella's favorite," Alice remarked with a smirk on her face.

I kicked her gently under the table, as a warning to shut the hell up.

"My dad and I have always made it. It was passed down through his family as a traditional holiday dish. We usually make it for Christmas too."

"Well, it's delicious," Edward said, lifting another forkful to his lips.

"Yeah, my Bella sure knows how to do it and do it right," Charlie added, his speech actually seemed to improve as he sipped on his second beer.

As the eating slowed, the conversation continued to pick up pace.

As it turned out, Rosalie was an instructor on the art of Burlesque dancing at Miss Indigo Blue's Burlesque Academy in Seattle. She and Jake had actually met at a private party for which she was hired. She was quite poised and had perfect etiquette, so her career choice, while very unique, was also extremely fitting.

"So Edward, why did you become a nurse," Alice asked. It seemed like an innocent question, but I was aware that Alice was on a fact finding mission. Once she had an idea in her head, she didn't let go of it.

I looked at Edward and caught a slight grimace; a barely-there furrow of his thick-yet-shapely brows, before his expression lightened and he answered her question. "I will do my best to give you the short version. Most everyone assumes I went into the medical field because of my father, but that was really only a small part of it. My father is insanely gifted, a master in his field. I was lucky to inherit his knack for science, but my mother contributed her part as well. She is one of the most compassionate and incredible people I have ever met. On top of my parent's mutually beneficial influence, there came a time in my life when I really just had an overwhelming desire to help others. I guess I just like making people feel better."

"And he's quite good at that," Charlie assured.

"Thank you Charlie. You make my career choice worthwhile."

Charlie nodded assuredly in Edward's direction. I noticed that the consumption had ceased and rose from my chair to clear the plates. I watched as Edward mimicked my movements and I began to protest, but he interrupted me before I could get the words out.

"I insist," he stated simply, as I caught Alice beaming.

Edward followed me into the kitchen and set the plates down on top of the ones I had just placed in the sink. I turned on the water and filled the basin with soapy water; my grandmother's fine china had to be washed by hand.

"You wash, I'll dry?" he suggested.

"Really, you're a guest, you don't have to do a thing," I responded.

"There you go again. Your reluctant ways are making a return," he teased, a sly smile appearing on his lips.

"I was just trying to be polite and let you relax."

"Since I walked in the door, you have been hard at work. Maybe I should do the dishes while you relax," he said with a touch of sarcasm.

"Alright, you win. Thanks for drying."

He smiled again, widely this time, as he took the first clean dish from my wet grasp. I watched as he made slow circles with the towel on the smooth, white china. I bit my bottom lip, poised to ask him about the moment I caught at dinner when Alice had asked about his career choice. My own forehead set in crinkles as I considered what had piqued my curiosity.

_Am I reading into things? Is it really worth bringing up? Is this just a desperate attempt to fill the silence between us?_

"What are you thinking about?" he asked, his own interest aroused by my expression.

"Actually...well...it's silly really. I just thought I noticed something about you earlier and wanted to ask you about it."

"You can ask me whatever you want," he said, taking another dish from me.

"You looked a bit sad when Alice asked why you chose nursing, but I have a bad habit of reading into things so..."

"You are very observant," he sighed. I had indeed stumbled onto something that touched a nerve. His grimace reappeared.

"You don't have to say anything. Forget I brought it up, please."

"No, no. I want to tell you, but I would rather not share it with you over dishes. Maybe we could take a walk when we are done here?"

One of the delicate china dishes nearly slipped through my soapy fingers at his suggestion. Alice had gotten into my head and now my brain was going all haywire with hypothetical situations.

"Sure, a walk would be a really good thing about now, as long as everyone is okay with it. I can't even fathom eating dessert at this point. I'm overstuffed."

"Me too," he said, patting his flat stomach.

As we finished the task at hand, I considered the ease there was between the two of us. I realized I was most comfortable when he was around, and I also realized there were some other unexpected feelings creeping to the surface. He didn't feel like my dad's nurse, he felt like a friend, or as my dad had implied in his toast, family. He was self-assured but a long way off from being arrogant, and I wondered at what it was he would share with me. I wondered if it was that skeleton in the closet I had been waiting for. I had no idea and would not even venture a guess.

When we rejoined everyone in the dining room, I didn't sit back down.

"I am going to need a walk before I even think about slicing that pie. Edward is coming with me. Anyone else care to join?"

"Actually, Jake is entertaining us with tales from the station and I think the tryptophan is taking me over at the moment." Alice always had to be the first to answer.

"Yeah, enjoy your walk kids," Charlie agreed. He was definitely sporting a buzz. He also looked blissful.

I grabbed a jacket from the closet, and

We took off down the street as the glow of recently hung Christmas lights lit our path. It wasn't raining but the air was cool and moist, the night sky darkened even further by the looming clouds.

"Thanks for walking with me, Bella."

"Thanks for walking with_ me,_ Edward. You really don't have to say anything. I'm sorry I pried before."

"I don't want you to apologize.. It's just, I haven't really shared the entirety of my inspiration to become a nurse with anyone outside of my family. I've never really felt the need. But. with you...there's just something that compels me to be open. I want you to know me."

Unfamiliar sensations made their way from the pit of my stomach up to my heart, propelling it to beat more rapidly. Maybe it was the wine. Maybe it was Alice's suggestion. Or maybe, just maybe, it was _him._

"I want to know you," I said, and I swear you could hear the frantic beat of my heart affecting my voice. I observed as he took in a measured breath before he delved into his story.

"I don't know if I ever told you that I grew up in Alaska. Actually, both my parents were born there. We still have extended family there, my Aunt Carmen and Uncle Eleazar, who is Carlisle's brother, and their daughters, my cousins. Growing up, I tended to spend the most time with my cousin Tanya. She was a year older than me and we gravitated towards each other as her two sisters, Kate and Irina, were much younger than me. We were undeniably close, closer than best friends."

He paused and I took the opportunity to ask him a question. "So, did you have a falling out?"

"No. When she turned fifteen, she started feeling ill. She was tired no matter how much she slept, her bones were often achy, and she bruised so easily we had to use care when hugging her. It didn't take long for a diagnosis to be made, and when it was, the news shook my entire family at our core. She had been burdened with a rare form of leukemia. She was immediately placed on a list for a bone marrow transplant."

I was shocked.

"Everyone in my family was tested, and none of us were a suitable match. In order to delay the progression of the disease, she was subjected to an aggressive course of chemotherapy. Every day I rushed to the hospital right after school to visit her. She was often too weak to sit up, or she was dry-heaving over the toilet, but I didn't care. I was resigned to be there for her, even though it tore me apart on the inside. We waited and waited, but no word of a match would ever come, at least, not in time for her. After six rounds of chemotherapy, her frame had thinned to a frightening level and her beautiful blonde hair had fallen out completely. Her cheeks were swollen like a chipmunk and her blue eyes had paled. But to me, she was still Tanya, my cousin. My sister. My best friend."

Tears fell freely down his cheeks as he recalled the tortuous collection of memories. I instinctively grabbed his hand, lacing his fingers with mine, providing him comfort in the way he had done for me. I was encouraged when he squeezed my hand rather than letting go.

"She had great heart, and an admirable amount of will, much like Charlie. But, her body betrayed her and weakened, despite her inner-strength. In the last few weeks of her life, she could barely communicate so I took to reading to her. Sometimes she could only muster the slightest smile in response, but when she could speak, she told me how much it meant that I was there, taking the time with her, and that when I read to her she always felt like she was transported to a better place. Her words never left my mind or my heart. The day she passed was the day I had an epiphany about my future. I wanted to help others."

In a great release of emotion, the tears poured out of his eyes, overflowing his lids and trailing down his cheeks, as he took in breaths in quiet gasps. He was sobbing and vulnerable, having shared something so personal and horrific, I could hardly bare that I had pushed him to do so and salty mist began escaping my own eyes. The heartache in his voice internally wrecked me, my dinner not settling so well as it combined with the knot that had formed in my gut.

Still holding my hand tightly in his own, he pulled me to his chest, our hands linked between our bodies. I wrapped my free arm around his waist and hugged him, summoning all the strength I could. I wanted nothing more in that moment then to comfort him and offer myself as a safe haven.

I don't know how long we stood there, holding each other that way, but I didn't care. I would stand there all night if that's how long it took.

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**So we've learned a bit more about Edward. How do you feel about him opening up to Bella? I know he's a bit of a mystery at this point but I promise, as time goes on, we will learn more and more about him.**

**Thank you for reading. If you have a moment, please leave your thoughts and any questions in a review.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Many thanks again, to the wonderfully wonderful SusanAshlea for her edits on this chapter. **

**I also have to send a big thanks to my lovey love, Saluki168 for pre-reading this chapter and the last and giving me the assurance I needed to make it what I wanted it to be.**

**Here we are, right where we left off ...**

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Chapter 8

As the wind whipped up around us, my hair flew about wildly. His scent wafted up to my nose, and again the butterflies made their presence known in my stomach. I pulled back and searched out his eyes, but his chin was still resting against his chest and his head was tilted forward. He had stopped crying, but remained somber.

"Edward, can you look at me?" I asked him softly, almost in a whisper.

His blood-shot eyes finally met mine. I let a desperate sigh escape as I tried to find the words to soothe him, but I was at a complete loss.

"Are you okay?" _How original._

"I feel utterly drained but also unburdened. I guess I wasn't expecting it to hit me with such force...but I should have known; I haven't talked about her in a very long time." He reached up with his free hand and gently brought it to my cheek. A shiver traveled up my spine, though his touch was warm.

"Thank you, Bella."

"You're thanking me?" I asked, baffled. My response actually elicited a welcomed chuckle from Edward.

"I haven't talked about Tanya because I never had anyone I trusted those feelings with. And then you come along, and something makes me want to bare my soul to you. I have never had that inclination with anyone."

I was dumbstruck. Glued to the spot where I stood and immediately in awe of his words.

"I honestly have no idea how to respond to that," I said as I gulped back the saliva pooling in the back of my throat.

"You don't have to. Just know that meeting you is something I am thankful for this year. I hope you will consider looking to me as a friend, as much as your father's nurse."

_Ahhhhh. Friends. _I had definitely let Alice get into my head. I righted myself and snapped back to reality. "You are without a doubt a friend. I just hope there are not any lines being crossed here."

"Not by any means. Charlie is my patient, not you."

"I just wanted to be sure. Should we make our way back? We can take a few more minutes if you need."

"I'm feeling better, but how do I look? Is there evidence of my blubbering?" He looked genuinely concerned.

"No, I think the wind is working like facial."

He laughed again, this time more heartily. We turned around to make our way back to the house. Edward still hadn't dropped my hand.

I wasn't wearing a watch, so I was caught off guard as we re-entered the house and saw that it had been just over an hour, and apparently everyone, including Charlie, had been drinking while we were away. They all erupted into joyful salutations and remained in the same spots we had left them in. They were playing cards – poker by the looks of it – and were betting with coffee beans.

I peered up at Edward, who was standing just behind me, and said, "I guess we weren't missed so much."

He leaned down and his lips nearly touched my ear as he returned, "I would have missed you."

More tingles. Shit. I was totally crushing and I needed to stop, but his little gestures weren't making it easy.

"So, are you all ready for some of that delicious pie Rosalie made or what?" I asked the crowd as Edward and I removed our outerwear.

"Yesh," Alice slurred.

"For sure, can't wait to taste my woman's sweet pie," Jake added. Rosalie awarded him with a chaste kiss where his jaw met his neck.

"Ew, Jake. TMI," responded Alice.

"Whatever woman, get your mind out of the gutter!" He retorted.

"A small sliver of each for me, Bells!" Charlie exclaimed, excitement in his labored speech.

"Your dad knows what's up, Bella, bring me a bit of each too," Billy followed.

"Coffee or tea, anyone?"

"Well aren't you just the hostess with the mostess," Alice continued with the sauciness, and smacked me on the butt.

"Ow! Be careful. You've had a bit too much liquid strength tonight." I rubbed my rear and walked to the kitchen; obviously coffee wasn't a bad idea, especially for my intoxicated best friend.

Edward followed me into the kitchen. "Why don't I make the coffee while you slice the pie?" He offered.

"That would be great. But use the decaf. Alice drunk and under the influence of caffeine equals a nightmare."

He laughed in response as I retrieved a knife from the block to cut the pie. After the coffee had percolated and the pie had been distributed, Edward and I finally rejoined everyone for the night. The poker game came to a quick conclusion, and we talked while we ate the delectable pies Rosalie made.

I was never a pumpkin pie kind of girl so I opted for the pecan. It was like a little piece of heaven in my mouth and I told Rosalie as much. She was actually a very sweet girl, a bit dramatic, and totally into the man at her side. She and Jake seemed genuinely in love. Good for them.

I was relieved that the effects of our earlier conversation hadn't affected Edward too much. He was smiling as he talked about the mission work he and his parents did. They were obviously a very tight-knit threesome, and I was sure he missed being with them, but he actually sounded very jovial and his eyes lit up as he talked about his experiences in other countries. He was especially impassioned when he described traveling to Indonesia after the 2005 tsunami there and his volunteer work with the recovery efforts first hand. The Cullens were angels in my book, just from what little I knew about all of them.

Billy and Rosalie both yawned at the same time, signaling the end of the night was near.

"Hey Jake, looks like your old man and your little lady are ready for some shut-eye. You good to drive?" Charlie quirked an eyebrow as he asked, falling back into his chief of police role.

"Yeah, I stopped drinking an hour before the rest of you fools did!"

"Hey!" Billy snapped to attention. "Respect your elders, boy." He was obviously being sarcastic.

"Whatever you say old man."

We all chuckled at their banter.

"You aren't making the trek all the way back to Seattle tonight, are you?" I asked Jake.

"No, no. Rose and I will be staying on the rez, in my old room."

"It's about time you got a room," Alice teased, as she took both Jake and Rosalie in to her arms to say goodbye.

"Everyone, thanks for making this the best Thanksgiving ever!" Charlie garbled.

Billy, Jake, and Rosalie all said their goodbyes, and I handed Jake a bag full of leftovers for Billy to take home. When Charlie pushed himself up from the table, he stumbled, and fell back into the dining room chair.

"Charlie, are you okay?" Alice asked, seemingly startled by what she had just witnessed.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Everybody in the club getting tipsy," he said with a laugh.

"Dad, hip-hop references do not make you cool," I said dryly.

"Speak for yourself, Bells!" he said, making a fake gangster sign with his right hand. I rolled my eyes as I made my way over to help him up. Edward moved the chair at Charlie's side away and we each took an arm, lifting him and making sure he was steady.

He held onto the walker and his legs seemingly turned into noodles the moment he leaned against it, resulting in him falling to the floor. Obviously, the alcohol had been a bad idea.

"Okay Charlie," Edward started, without missing a beat, taking control of the situation. "Let's get you up again, and Bella and I can help you to your room, okay?"

"Yeah, Eddie. Thank goodness you're here."

I noticed Alice was standing back, taking the scene in with a look of concern on her face. She hadn't been around for any of the dramatic stuff and I'm sure the situation caught her off guard. Charlie must have noticed her too, because he said, "Don't worry. I'm fine. I just caught a good buzz."

With great effort, Edward and I lifted him from his crumpled position on the floor.

"My legs are like jello, make the girls say hello!" Charlie joked with more lyrics.

"I'm going to take your iPod away if you don't stop downloading all that club music," I teasingly threatened.

"What's wrong with having a little fun with Ciara's lyrics, sweetie?"

"What's wrong is that we need to get you to your room and you are acting like you are at a club, not to mention way younger than you are."

"In da club, bottle full of bud..." he trailed off, laughing. I decided not to respond; he suddenly had a huge arsenal of lyrics on the tip of his brain.

Edward started to laugh but sucked it back in when I glared at him.

"Alright you can rock the mic another time, but for now, let's concentrate on getting you to bed." Edward must have noted my frustration, and thankfully, he was working with me as a result.

Charlie leaned against the walker, bracing himself with a hand on either side. Edward and I continued to support him and held firmly as he slowly inched forward.

"My legs ain't working so well. I think I sat for too long," Charlie groaned. Edward passed me a knowing look, and I realized there was probably more to it than sitting for too long or ingesting one too many beers.

It took us nearly ten minutes to get him into bed.

"Grab him some clothes to sleep in, and I'll help him get situated," Edward offered.

I found some sweats and a t-shirt for him, brought them to the bed, and set them down.

"I love you dad," I said, kissing him on the cheek.

"Thanks for a perfect day. I had the best time," he replied.

"Me too." I turned away and walked out of the room, pausing to look at Edward, who was helping Charlie with the buttons of his shirt. I found Alice cleaning up the rest of the dishes in the kitchen. When I got close, I noticed that she was crying.

"Hey A, you okay?"

She slammed the faucet off and, without bothering to dry her hands, threw her arms around me.

"Bella, I had no idea," she sniffled against my neck. "I've always tried to be light about things with Charlie, but now, well...I get it."

"Hey it's alright. I like that you've been unaffected by it all. Besides, he had a great time tonight, and by the looks of it, so did everyone else. Let's just enjoy what we have right now, okay?"

"That was quite a sobering experience for me. Maybe I'll even be able to get up for Black Friday tomorrow," she said, pulling away from me.

I laughed at her. "You know there's no way in hell I'm going with you, right?" I absolutely loathed shopping on the day after Thanksgiving.

"You're my best friend; of course I do."

"Thanks for finishing up the dishes."

She winked at me, and I retreated into the living room and sat down on the couch. Edward reappeared from my dad's room about fifteen minutes later.

"Hey, thanks for taking care of my dad tonight," I said, patting the cushion next to me, hoping he wouldn't rush out the door.

"No problem. He's sound asleep, snoring peacefully."

I giggled at his response as he took my invitation to sit down.

Alice came in from the kitchen just a split-second later. "Dishes are done. I'm headed for the shower. It was so great to meet you, Edward. Thanks for taking such great care of Charlie. I can tell he's in the best of hands with you around." Then, she walked around to where he was sitting and bent down to give him a quick hug.

"It was wonderful to meet you as well, Alice. I promise to do my best not to let you down where Charlie is concerned."

"I know you won't. Night B!"

"Night, A!" I called as she made her way down the hall.

With Alice out of the room, I found myself alone with Edward again. I had easily spent more time with him than anyone else that evening. I leaned back against the soft cushioned back of the couch.

"The two of you are very charming together. Alice is quite a character," Edward noted.

"Yeah, she is. I love her so much. She always makes me feel good." I took a chance, and reached out for his hand, betting on the events of earlier in the night. As he took it, I remarked, "You do too."

His next action took me by surprise as he raised my hand and placed it on his chest, over his heart.

"That means the world to me," he said as I felt the beat of his heart beneath my palm.

"Me too," I said meekly.

We sat there – my hand on his heart and his hand eclipsing mine- staring at each other in silence. The soft thud of his heart below my palm soothed me and set my heart racing at the same time. I didn't know what was happening between us but it was...something.

"Thanks for _everything_ tonight." He placed great emphasis on the word "everything," causing my own heart to pick up pace.

"It's eleven and I...uh...I think I should head home." He released my hand, and I begrudgingly stood up.

"Yeah, I understand," I said sadly, knowing he had a thirty mile drive ahead of him. "I'm really happy you were with us tonight. I would have been upset to find out that you spent the day by yourself."

"Well, now you don't have to be upset," he said, drawing me into a hug. Our bodies pressed together, and he wrapped his arms around me, with his hand on the back of my head as I leaned into him.

As we released each other he placed a firm kiss against my forehead.

"Goodnight Bella, see you on Saturday," Edward whispered.

"See you then," I choked out, showing him to the door and watching him as he walked to his car.

As soon as he had left, I shut off the lights and headed upstairs to my bedroom. Alice was still in the bathroom, so I changed into some sweats and an old shirt and plopped down on my bed to wait for her. My head was overwhelmed with thoughts of the evening, and I felt so confused about Edward. On the one hand, our interaction had been incredibly intimate, and on the other hand, he had indicated that he only wanted to be friends. We hadn't kissed, but he had placed my hand over his heart, which in some ways had more meaning than a simple kiss. He had shared a vital piece of himself with me when he told me about Tanya.

I was about to go completely mad with my thoughts when Alice burst through my door. She threw herself down on the bed next to me, and sighed. "God, I miss Jasper so much. Want to see a picture?"

"Of course I do," I answered honestly. I had already seen pictures of him on Facebook and other various photo–sharing websites, and I could see exactly what attracted her to him. He had a nice, slight build, he wasn't too bulky, in fact he was very lithe and lean, much like Alice herself. She pulled up a photo on her iPhone, and seeing it brought a smile to my face. He was leaning back in a chair, his hands behind his head, his lips pressed together as if he was waiting for a kiss and raising one eyebrow suggestively.

"He's very sexy," I observed.

"Awe, thanks. He's also very grounding for me, which tells me that you would like him even more in person. He's definitely more introverted than I am, but when we are together, somehow, we always find the same frequency. Guess what?" she asked teasingly.

"What?"

"He's moving in..." she confessed, her tongue hanging on her upper lip as she waited for my reaction.

"That's so great! I'm stoked for you. But, there is one thing that's bugging me," I deterred. She looked honestly hurt, which made me felt bad. I thumped her on the shoulder and reassured her, "Don't look so concerned. I'm just bummed I haven't met the guy yet!"

"Oh! Silly me. Here I thought you had discovered some imperfection through the wonder of technology," she laughed.

"You are silly!"

"Now, what about you? How was that walk?" she asked, clucking her tongue, waiting for some unveiling of truth that wasn't going to happen.

"The walk helped with the digestion." I knew my answer would only incite Alice further.

"Bella, how long have you known me? I know you don't think I'm going to let you get away with that. Tell me about Edward. Now."

Under the threat of Alice's glare, I decided to divulge a bit more. "Fine, fine. We talked a lot about him. He grew up in Alaska and is an only child. He has some family up there. He misses them a lot."

"You expect me to think you made small talk the entire time?"

"Yep." I hoped she would relent.

"Did you kiss or anything?"

"You really need to stop. You're influencing me in all the wrong ways at the moment. We did _not_ kiss. Actually, he pretty much declared friendship only, and I'm satisfied with that."

"Well I'm not. Boo!" She pouted then stuck out her tongue at me. I laid my head on the pillow and stared at the ceiling. Alice curled up in a ball next to me.

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" she asked as she yawned widely.

"Best offer I've had in months," I joked. She giggled but was already drifting off to sleep.

I turned off the light and must have fallen asleep only minutes afterward.

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**Thoughts? Questions? Reviews are better than Charlie's rapping...  
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	9. Chapter 9

**Hi everyone. I would like to thank all of you who have marked me as a favorite author and/or LTI as their favorite story. I'm tickled. **

**Many thanks to Ms. Saluki168 who took over as beta starting with this chapter! SusanAshlea remains a faithful prereader, she had to pass the torch in order to work on her own fic (which I fully supported!) BTW if you are enjoying this story I think you would really enjoy Saluki168's Lost & Found and it's companion, Blessed are the Patient. They are beautifully written and I think you would enjoy.**

**Finally, I just wanted to let my readers here know that I post under a different pen name at Twilighted (BEEternity) - I wish I could change that name but I can't. Just so you know, nothing has been plagiarized and I REALLY appreciate the reader that was looking out for me!**

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I actually ended waking up before Alice. Her and due to Alice. Her knee was jabbing me sharply in the back as she sprawled out diagonally across the bed. I swung my legs around over the side and stood up, stretching my arms as high as they could reach as a yawn escaped me.

I peered over at the clock and saw that it was nine-thirty. Certainly not a bad night's sleep. I was actually glad that Alice hadn't rushed out to shop; I really wanted to spend some more time with her as my time had been consumed by other things and other people the night before.

I used the bathroom and proceeded downstairs to check on Charlie. The door was just barely cracked open, and I peeked inside to see that he was still asleep. He looked peaceful and I was relieved, as I always was, to see his chest expanding and then deflating, as he unconsciously drew in breaths. His breathing did seem slightly labored, which didn't catch me off guard, because I knew ALS affected the respiratory system. I smiled as I recalled the myriad of happy expressions that crossed his face the night before.

As I dragged my feet back upstairs, I headed directly for the shower. Thoughts of Edward came out of nowhere, and I wondered what he was going to do with his day off. I knew things about him, very intimate things, yet, I still knew so very little about the man he was. I meant it when I told him the evening before that I wanted to get to know him. Still, there was no chance I could let myself run away with delusions of grandeur about Edward. He was Charlie's nurse, and for me, that was above and beyond everything else, the most important thing. I didn't want our friendship to be a distraction, and I didn't want my attraction to become an issue.

I shook my head, trying to clear it of my rambling thoughts, as I stepped into the hot spray of the shower. I washed the grime of the previous day away, toweled off and then threw on my robe before drying my hair. I picked up my pile of dirty clothes and headed back to my room. Alice was still sleeping, so I stood over her and dragged my hair across her face.

Her nose twitched and I pulled my head back just as she brought a hand to her nose and rubbed it. She slowly came out of her sleepy haze and opened her eyes.

"Good morning sweet pea, just thought I would let you know that you are almost six hours late for the shopping madness."

She shot me an aggravated look before laughing to herself.

"Morning sunshine. You know what's funny? That's what Jasper calls me, _sweet pea_. Sorry, but it's not quite the same coming from you."

"I wouldn't expect it to be," I answered in a matter-of-fact tone.

"I'm going to shock you right now Bella and suggest that we spend this dreary day indoors and watch movies with Charlie."

"Wow, that is shocking. Here I expected you to pull out two pairs of galoshes and drag me to sleuth out some deals that others missed." I rolled my eyes at her and then turned to look out the window at the gray sky.

"That would be predictable, not shocking," she retorted, as she sat up, seeming reluctant to do so.

"Yeah, yeah." I found some comfy fleece lounge pants and a gray thermal shirt that was perfect for our day of leisure. All I had to do was throw on a hoodie and I would be good to go to rent the movies.

Alice peeled herself off the bed. "I'm going to my room to get dressed. You were great in bed, by the way," she said, kissing me on the cheek.

"Well, I can't say the same for you! You completely hijacked the middle of the bed and when I woke up your knee was pressed into my spine and your legs were on the opposite side of the bed from your arms."

"I love you too, honey," she said as she exited the room.

I returned my robe to its hook in the bathroom and headed back downstairs to get on with the rest of the day.

A short two hours later and Charlie, Alice, and I were all curled up in the living room. Alice and I shared the couch and my dad sat in his recliner.

Alice and I had both insisted that Charlie decide what he wanted to watch. and he made a few selections. We ended up with _Walk the Line, Shawshank Redemption, _and_ The Bourne Ultimatum._

_Shawshank Redemption _was one movie I never tired of, neither did Charlie for that matter. Charlie had passedhad passed his love of Johnny Cash down to me as well, so _Walk the Line_ was an obvious choice. Alice had actually encouraged him towards the last choice as she had a thing for Matt Damon, especially Matt Damon portraying Jason Bourne.

I made us all hot turkey sandwiches for lunch, and we snacked on other leftovers throughout the day. Alice left to take a call from Jasper about half way through the second movie, so we paused it and waited for her to come back.

"I really like Edward, Bella," Charlie said, his speech not so clear.

"Yeah, I know you do."

"I'm surprised he doesn't have a girlfriend."

"Maybe he doesn't want one," I replied curtly.

"Maybe. Or maybe he just needs a little push in the right direction." He sort of smirked at the end of his suggestion.

"Please, can we talk about something ? Really Dad, I don't know what point you are trying to make, but I don't want to talk about this with you." I could almost see both him and Alice dressed in red, pitchforks in hand, making a camp on either shoulder. Two devils, no angel.

"You're quite defensive, you know. I was just making small talk." He lifted his hands in submission.

I shook my head at him. "Small talk my ass! Don't try and get crafty with me dad. I know a conspirator when I see one."

He laughed and I couldn't help but join in. Alice was back a few minutes later, thank goodness. I wanted to lose myself in the movie and forget about everything for a while. Just for a for a short while.

I let myself sink further into the couch as we continued our mini movie marathon.

Perhaps still recovering from the events of the previous day, we all turned in before ten that night.

Although I tried to keep my thoughts pure, as I drifted off I couldn't help but smile, thinking about how I would get to see Edward the following day.

I slept straight through to eight o'clock in the morning and the first thing I did, per my normal routine, was check on Charlie.

When I cracked the door I expected to find Charlie still asleep, but that is not what I found.

His hand was at his throat and his upper half was jerking towards the ceiling.

"Dad! Dad!" I called, running over to the bedside.

Without thinking, I lifted him into a sitting position and he stopped struggling.

"Coul-d-ent bre-ath, uh," he said with no voice.

My cheeks were wet with tears, but I only noticed once I started coming down from my panic attack.

"Dad, don't try and talk...just focus on your breathing."

I heard the thudding of feet over my head and Alice appeared in the doorway moments later.

"Bella, Charlie, is everything okay?" She sounded on the verge of breaking down, and I noticed that her bottom lip was trembling.

"He was just having a hard time breathing. I think he's okay now that he's sitting up."

"Bet-ter," Charlie eked out.

Alice walked around to the opposite side of the bed and then knelt on top, putting some pillows behind Charlie's back for support.

'Thank you,' I mouthed to her.

It was not going to be a good day.

"Do either of you want me to call anyone?"

"No, Alice, it's okay. We'll be okay until Edward gets here."

Charlie nodded in agreement.

Edward usually came over around nine, and I was resigned to stay with Charlie until he did.

Alice fidgeted, looking uncomfortable, on the bed next to Charlie.

"Hey A- would you mind getting me some water?"

"Yeah, of course. Can I get you anything, Charlie?"

He shook his head no.

"Are you sure, dad?"

He nodded in the affirmative.

As left the room, Charlie grabbed my arm. "I need to go to the bathroom Bell-a." The way my name fell from his lips pained me. He was struggling so much, and I was overwhelmed with fear. I looked at the clock, it was only ten-after-eight. _It's only been ten minutes?_

"I'll help you up, dad."

"My legs are hea-vy," he labored.

"Okay, we'll do this together."

I grabbed the walker and placed it in front of him. He braced his hands on either side. I watched as strain appeared on his face as he tried to pull himself up. Eventually I got behind him and I tried to push him up. With a great effort, it finally worked and he was standing.

He laboriously picked up one foot ,foot, dragging it along the floor as he urged the walker forward with his quaking arms. He did not look well.

Internal panic was ringing throughout my body, but I had no outlet. I watched as he shut the bathroom door behind him and then ran to the kitchen. I nearly bumped into Alice as she was headed back with my water.

She stretched her arm out to hand me the water. I downed it like a camel in the Sahara.

I checked the time again, eight-fifteen. Time was still refusing to cooperate with my anxiousness. Seeing my dad gasp desperately for air was triggering a level of nervousness I had never encountered.

"Bella, what are you thinking? Talk to me. You're scaring me." Silence was known to unnerve her.

"I don't know, Alice. I just don't know. I'm so helpless in this situation, but I want to do everything. And things are just going to keep getting worse. I have to watch him deteriorate when all I want to do is save him. I don't want him to die. He can't die!"

She latched onto my shoulders with her dainty fingers and made sure that I was looking directly at her. "Bella, I know you are scared because of what you just saw. It terrified me, and I wasn't even in there for the worst of it, but, listen to me. He's okay right now, maybe a bit under the weather, but _here. _Don't think about tomorrow. Don't think about yesterday. Focus on right now."

I let her words seep into my overstimulatedover stimulated brain and inhaled her sweet scent deeply.

"Alice, he's my dad. He's my only family. I mean-"

She cut me off. "I know what you mean. No explanation necessary."

"I wish we lived closer," I said, silently thanking the heavens that she was there with me.

"I know. I do too."

"I can't believe you are taking off tonight. Three days goes by so quickly," I observed.

"Yeah, but we have now. I'm not leaving until six," she comforted. She followed me into the kitchen, where I refilled my empty water glass.

At eight-thirty Charlie still had not reemerged, and I decided to check on him. Horrible thoughts flashed through my head. Visions of Charlie collapsed on the floor, his walker tipped on it'sits side, his chest unmoving. I didn't want to go there in my head, but I couldn't help it. I took quiet steps towards his bathroom door and leaned against it to see if I could hear movement on the other side; I couldn't.

I knocked gently on the door; I didn't want to startle him.

"Yeah." I heard his feeble voice on the other side, and breathed a sigh of great relief.

"Just making sure you are okay."

"Yeah, I'm fine." His speech was still terrible, the worse it had ever been.

"Okay, let me know if you need anything."

"Kay."

I headed back into the living room and found Alice thumbing through a magazine. When she saw me, she put it down on the coffee table.

"Everything alright?"

"As far as I can tell it is from the opposite side of a wooden door."

"You know, Bella, I've always envied your relationship with Charlie. You know my relationship with my parents is almost non-existent and if something like this happened to one of them, I couldn't do what you are doing. I really admire you."

"You do?" I asked, sincerely needing her reassurance.

"Absolutely. Since all of this came up, or at least since I have know about it, you have handled it much better than I ever could of. And Charlie? He is just an inspiration. His will is strong, not that I would expect anything different from him."

"Thanks, Alice. I needed that...and...I don't know what I would do without you."

"You don't have to worry about that. _Ever._ You are stuck with me for the rest of your life, whether you like it or not B."

"I like it." At that, we both giggled. The pressure was somewhat alleviated, though there was no chance it was whisking away completely anytime soon.

There was a resounding knock at the door. It was only eight-forty. I opened the door and Edward was standing there. Without thinking I threw my arms around his neck before he could even lift his foot to step inside.

"Hi Bella," he cooed into my ear, some measure of surprise in his tone.

I regained my sanity, or what was left of it, and retracted my arms.

"Sorry, Edward. I didn't mean to maul you. It's just... I'm so relieved you are here."

His wistful expression shifted into one of concern. "Did something happen with Charlie?"

"Yes. Yes. Something happened. I found him gasping for air this morning and he didn't have the strength to sit up. He seems okay but he's been in the bathroom for nearly thirty minutes."

He looked at me and assured, "Everything is going to be fine, Bella. I'll go check on him now."

Without pause, he took off his coat and hung it on the rack before heading in the direction of Charlie's room.

Alice looked at me knowingly and said, "Friends, huh." Her voice was tainted with a smug delight that I could only respond to with an eye-roll.

She hadn't forgotten, even in the wake of the morning we had had.

I ignored her impossible ways and took a few steps down the hall. To my surprise, Edward was not standing within view and the bathroom door appeared open.

I took a few more steps toward the bedroom and heard muffled voices. I decided to let them be and returned to my post in the living room. Alice was busy texting her man, so I just laid back and stared at the ceiling, waiting. I had no idea of what it was I was waiting for. Good news? Bad news? Something in the middle?

The whole situation was an enigma to me despite the fact I had done my research on ALS. I thought that through all my studying I would have been prepared for things, at least a bit. But, I wasn't. So far I had done a brilliant job at handing over the reigns to fear.

Edward came out about a half an hour later.

I couldn't read his expression, and it frustrated me. I wanted to know exactly what he was thinking; I didn't want him to leave anything out.

He sat on the edge of Charlie's arm chair and looked at me intently. Alice perked to attention.

"I'm not a doctor," he started. "I can't tell you everything that's going on right now, Bella, but, his breathing is definitely labored and his legs, according to him, have lost some feeling. I think this is just standard progression, but he should probably see the doctor this week. Just to check things out."

"He has an appointment scheduled for Wednesday with your father."

"Good," was his simple reply.

"What was he doing in the bathroom for so long?"

Edward looked hesitant, as if he didn't want to betray Charlie's confidence.

"Please, tell me," I pleaded.

"He had...uh... sat down and didn't have the strength to pull himself up. He knew I was coming soon and decided he would rather not make you unnecessarily uncomfortable."

My heart beat against my breastbone with frantic measure. My dad couldn't ask for my help. We had reached that point where things were going to get more difficult for both of us. My dad was extremely modest; I could understand why he wouldn't want me to help, but what if I had to? I needed to talk with him, to make him understand that he could ask for my help, no matter the situation.

"Oh." I was at a loss.

"Look, Bella, I got him back into bed;, he's tired from everything that happened this morning. He was already drifting off when I left the room."

"Shouldn't we watch him? I mean, he couldn't breathe. If I hadn't come down when I did, who knows what would have happened."

"I understand your concern. I've propped him up on the bed pillows which should make it easier on him. And I have an idea. Seeing how he is okay for the moment, would you mind if I ran out on a quick errand?"

"No, that would be fine."

"You sure?" he asked.

"Yeah, of course. Go ahead."

"I'll make it quick. You can even dock my pay." He winked at me and it was more endearing than cool.

I let a little smile escape but suppressed the laugh that threatened to emerge.

Alice hadn't said a word,word; she was just taking it all in while she rubbed my back soothingly.

As he made his way to the front door, he paused at my side and squeezed my shoulder tenderly.

"You are not alone in this, Bella," he stated, before he turned and walked out the door.

"I can change my flight, Bella, stick around for a few extra days," Alice offered.

"No, you need to get back. You only have one day off with Jasper."

"I have plenty of time with Jazz. He would understand."

"He sounds like a pretty great guy. I'm so happy for you A. Please, go home. Live with him. Be in love with him. And next time, bring him with you."

"I promise."

Edward was only gone for about forty minutes.

I had checked on my dad twice, and he was sleeping. The way he was propped up on the pillows did not look comfortable, but he was breathing.

Alice had retreated upstairs to shower and pack.

Edward had brought back a bag with him.

"What's in the bag?"

"Something to help alleviate your anxieties," he answered.

"Is it gin, vodka, or whiskey?" I asked, jokingly.

It must have been funny because he laughed.

"No," he answered, reaching into the bag.

A moment later a baby monitoring system was revealed in his hand.

"Edward, why didn't you tell me you were going to get something for him? I could have given you some cash or something."

"That's alright, it's a tax write off for me."

"I can't believe my dad is your first regular charge., Youyou are so good at this."

I examined the box. It wasn't just any old baby monitor. It actually had video capabilities.

"I can install it today," he said.

"Thanks." I felt like he might get sick of hearing me say that word; I used it frequently when he was around.

"No worries. I want to make this as easy on both of you as is possible. That's what I'm here for."

His eyes were so kind, and I wanted to spend more time seeking the comfort they offered, but I had only a few hours left with Alice and Charlie wasn't feeling well. He needed Edward more than he had needed me so I was left with no choice but to abandon the moment.

"I was going to go to town with Alice but, if you think I should stay-"

"Go. Enjoy your afternoon. Or at least try to."

"I promise," I answered echoing Alice's own words just under an hour earlier.

Edward went to check on Charlie, and I sort of ambled behind him. He paused in the doorway, gave me a thumbs up, put his hands together, and rested his head on top to indicate that Charlie was sleeping.

I smiled at him and nodded my head.

Alice and I went to the local coffee shop. She had a salad while I munched on a side of fries. I really had no appetite to speak of. By the time we made our way back to the house it was time for her to depart for the airport.

Charlie was awake, albeit still in bed, and Alice said her goodbye to him there.

He had cheered a bit, but I could still see fatigue wearing on his expression. He just looked so tired, and his complexion looked ashy, but of course Alice brought out a big smile and the blush in his cheeks.

"You're good for me hot stuff, don't forget to come back and visit now."

"Of course not, Charlie. I love you so." She bent forward and pressed a kiss against his left cheek, then his right.

She wished Edward farewell with a quick squeeze and then took my hand as we walked to the front door.

"I feel like we are always saying goodbye, B."

"Yeah, me too."

"I wish you could come spend New Year's Eve in the city, but I know that would be too difficult."

"Mmm-hmm," I sounded, trying hard to stifle my tears.

"I'll call you everyday," she offered.

"I might not answer." I was being honest,honest; sometimes I just wasn't in the mood to talk.

"I'll still call."

We embraced and issued each other "I love yous," before she turned and began her trip back to her alluring, normal life. I missed her the moment she was gone.

I returned to the bedroom, where Charlie had already dozed off again.

Edward had mounted the camera on the wall and had it angled in Charlie's direction.

I watched my dad as he took in breaths and then as they were exhaled in an uncomfortable huff. It didn't look normal.

I was so fixated on him, that I didn't notice when Edward appeared at my side.

He whispered to me softly. "Bella, let's let him sleep. He's had a trying day, despite the fact he spent the majority of it in bed."

Before I could leave, I bent down and whispered in Charlie's ear. "I love you dad."

I left his room, leaving the door slightly more ajar than was usual, and found Edward in the living room gathering his belongings. He set them down next to the front door and postured himself next to me in the center of the room.

"I can't stay late tonight, Bella, but, I will make sure I keep my phone turned on. Please call, if there's anything...you need."

"Do you have to leave right away?"

"I can spare another fifteen minutes or so." There was a measure of caution I detected in his voice.

"I'll take it."

I sat down first and he followed. It didn't escape my notice that he had positioned himself further away than we had sat on Thanksgiving.

"Would you like to know more about Charlie?" he asked.

I glanced down at the small monitor on the coffee table. Charlie was definitely out.

"Do you know more?"

"A little. I spoke with my father this afternoon. I explained his aggravated symptoms. Off the record, as he hasn't examined him, he believes it's just another stage of progression."

"I get that. I can see it. But, what does that mean? How will we have to adapt this time?"

"I should really let my father explain but...I won't leave you agonizing over it. Most likely he will have to begin using something called a _Bi-pap_. It will force the breath into his lungs and help them maintain a proper function. It works like a ventilator but is completely external and removable." His tone was gentle, but he seemed distant.

"That doesn't sound too bad." My tone portrayed skepticism.

"It won't be." The look on his face betrayed his stoic answer.

"Then why do you seem unconvinced?"

"Do you want an honest answer?" he asked cautiously.

"Always."

"It's not the introduction of a piece of equipment that bothers me. What I'm struggling with is the underlying matter."

I thought about what he was saying and it resonated with me pretty quickly. Edward was worried about the progression, the disease itself.

He checked his watch. I looked at the clock, seven-forty.

"I'm so sorry Edward,Edward; I'm keeping you from something. You should go. It's Saturday night, hot date?"

His cheeks turned immediately pink. I was asking in an attempt to lighten the mood, but if I was being honest with myself, I really wanted the dirt. I also felt as if it was some sort of escape mechanism, switching from a very heavy topic to one of ultimately little importance.

In conjunction with his blush, a look of complete confusion wore on his expression. I wondered what about my question could have caused such a reaction.

His response was absolute avoidance. "I have a few more minutes to spend...if-"

Impatient, I cut him off. "Yes. I mean, please stay. Just promise we can talk about something other than disease or machines or pills or progression, okay?"

"Sure, what would you like to talk about?" he asked, as he leaned a millimeter closer.

"Hmmm. What do you enjoy outside of your life of compassionate work and charity?"

He paused briefly as he thought about it.

"I love to run. Trail running especially. I would never survive running in a city or on a track. I like the way the soil gives slightly under my feet and the unpolluted air. It's freeing for me."

"Impressive," I said, nodding my head. "What about your friends?"

"I haven't had the chance to make many here and my two closest friends are in New York. They're both very established there. There's Jesse, who was my college room mate... also a nurse. He thinks he's some sort of ladies man, but he's pretty much a goof. Then there's Trent. I actually met him in Alaska, but his family moved to upstate New York when he was a freshman in high school. We kept in touch throughout the years and ended up at NYU together as well, though in pursuit of different degrees. He has a masters in Political Science. Trent is the opposite of Jesse. He's oblivious to his power over women. He attracts them like a magnet."

"They sound interesting. So if Jesse is hopelessly foolish and Trent is obliviously in demand, where does that leave you with the ladies?"

He ran one half of his gorgeous set of hands through his hair and looked up at me, his eyelids slightly lowered.

"I don't know, Bella. Where does that leave me?" There was suggestion in his eyes and words and my heart started drumming in my chest.

I wanted to lean in to him but couldn't muster up the nerve, so I attempted to answer his question.

"Maybe you're the idealist." My voice came out in a timid timbre.

"Again, you read me well, Bella."

The attraction between the two of us was becoming increasingly palpable. I tilted my head downward, as a strand of my hair escaped from behind my ear.

Almost as soon as it swept against my eye, Edward reached out and gently tucked it back from where it came, his warm fingers brushing against my ear lobe.

I looked up at him wantonly, but in what seemed to be a reflex, his eyes pinched shut and his brow furrowed. He opened them just a moment before saying, "I really should get going." His forehead was crinkled with worry.

My heart sank into the pit of my stomach and lodged itself there uncomfortably. "Yeah...yeah," was the only thing that came out when I opened my mouth to speak.

"Please remember to call if you need anything. Okay?" he asked, as he stood.

"We'll be fine, but thank you. Thanks for everything you did today, especially with the monitor. It will help me, undoubtedly. Have a good night," I said, hoping I was masking the disappointment in my voice.

"You too. I'll see you in a couple of days, okay?"

"Sounds like a plan." I walked him to the door. There was no further contact, just a quick wave goodbye, before I shut the door behind him.

I was so confused by everything that had transpired between us over the week. I was plainly aware he had used the term friends, but his small gestures towards me seemed to indicate something more. He had shared a part of himself with me, but just two days later seemed to be retracting his subtle advances. But maybe there weren't any mixed signals. Maybe I was reading into things and had complicated the situation by allowing my attraction to grow. He was there, in fact, to do a job, and he had already gone above and beyond in that regard. Then I remembered what he had basically admitted to me about women and relationships; he was an idealist. And guess what? I was far from ideal.

That evening I decided to put my little girl crush out to pasture and forget about my friendship, or whatever it was, with Edward.

As it was, life had other plans for me anyway. Soon my confusion and feelings surrounding Edward would be the furthest thing from my mind.

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**Please share your thoughts and ask me any questions you want in a review! I will respond!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N again, thanks to my readers, reviewers, favorite clickers and my most amazing beta Saluki168 - she really talks me through difficult moments during the writing of this story. She's also a very beautiful writer herself. Also, I'm a blogger over at come see me there!**

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The days preceding Charlie's Wednesday appointment were as up and down as an elevator. Sunday he actually made it out of bed, ate two meals, and even managed a shower.

Monday he was like a deflated balloon and spent the day in his bedroom. Edward came on schedule and there was no lingering awkwardness between the two of us, though I didn't make an effort to spend any length of time with him. I actually went on a long walk in the damp air, submitting myself to the deep fog as I roamed the neighborhood listening to the sound of leaves blowing across the asphalt. I didn't think about anything in particular, which was a welcome respite from my almost constant worry.

Tuesday Charlie stayed in bed until two o'clock in the afternoon and then had an abundance of energy, though his limbs were weak. He really wanted to shower but didn't have the physical strength. I was not comfortable in sponge bath territory, so I offered to wash his hair in the kitchen sink instead. He sat on a tall bar stool I had unearthed in the garage and leaned over the counter. I wrapped a towel around his shoulders, turned on the water, and let it warm before holding the spray nozzle over his head and soaking his soft, dark hair. Next, I squirted a dollop of shampoo into my hand, breathing in the coconut scent of the Nexxus shampoo as I massaged it into his scalp. It was rewarding to hear him sigh with contentment.

"Feel good, dad?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Good, keep your eyes shut. I'm going to rinse you now."

After the rinse, I wrapped the towel around his head and shimmied my hands back and forth to dry it as he sat back on the stool.

"Thanks, honey. It feels good to have a clean head. Bed head isn't my style."

I laughed lightly at his remark. "What about a cleanly shaved face to go with the hair?"

"Yeah, that would be good."

I retrieved the shaving supplies from his bathroom as he waited in the kitchen. It was easier to bring the kit to him rather than bring him to the kit. Then, I proceeded to carefully remove the gruff stubble that had emerged since the last time I shaved him. I was used to the task, having been his personal barber for the better part of two years.

"Done, smooth as a baby's bottom," I declared, patting his skin dry.

"Are you calling me an ass-face?"

I rolled my eyes but couldn't suppress a chuckle. "No but you're kind of a butt head," I returned.

"Oooo...that was quick. Nice recovery."

"Alright, enough is enough. Do you want some help changing out of those clothes?" He had been wearing the same sweats and t-shirt for two days.

He shook his head 'no' and smiled. "I'll bum it for one more day and get nice and purty for the doctor tomorrow."

"You're the boss," I proclaimed.

"Don't forget it."

He watched television in the living room, and I made red wine, slow-cooker stew for dinner. He loved it so much, he even had seconds, and that was something to celebrate; it was rare for him to eat any more than one meal a day since the previous week. How quickly things seemed to change in the span of one week's time.

Wednesday was going to be a busy day, so we had turned in early. I made sure Charlie was comfortably bolstered by his pillows- one beneath each of his arms and two supporting him from behind- and kissed him goodnight. I found sanctuary in my own room, turning on the video monitor and placing it within earshot on my nightstand. Edward had given me quite the gift in that small device. My resentment towards him began to lift at the thought, and I gave myself a little mental beating for allowing it to evolve in the first place. He obviously cared for Charlie and, to some extent, me. I fell asleep, the thought of him fresh on my mind. I had to remember to be more gracious...

I slowly came awake to filtered light trickling in through my window. I stretched my arms toward the ceiling, yawning as oxygen filled my lungs. I looked at the clock; it was seven-thirty. I pushed the button on the monitor to see if my dad was awake. He was still asleep; his head tilted forward and his chin resting against his chest. I watched his ragged, choppy breaths and felt relief that the day would finally bring some clarification with regards to the status of his health.

The appointment was at ten o'clock and Billy, Sam, Paul, and Josh were all coming over for dinner. Edward would also be coming per his schedule. I hoped that when Charlie did wake up, he would be feeling robust; it was going to require a power plant's stock of energy to get through the day.

I was already dressed and ready when he woke up at eight-thirty.

"Hey, how are you feeling, dad?" I greeted him as I entered the room.

"Okay. Very rested," he answered. His speech was slow but decipherable, which was a good sign.

"Do you want to get up and have breakfast? Or would you rather get dressed first?"

"Dressed," he answered. I helped him into a full sitting position and pulled the t-shirt over his head. He still couldn't lift his arms above his shoulders so I always helped with his shirt. I retrieved a collared shirt with a zipper at the neck. Zippers were manageable for him, while buttons were impossible; I indulged in anything that awarded him prolonged independence. I didn't have to fully help him with his pants; we had developed a method that spared us the incommodious reality that would come with undressing your father and being dressed by your daughter. While his briefs remained in place, I would pull his pants down by the ankles. Diverting my eyes, I would pull his new pair of pants up as far as his knees, where he could reach them and shimmy them up. He would scoot slowly towards the edge of the bed and when he reached it he would allow himself to essentially fall into the pants. After he zipped his pants, I finished by performing the unavoidable task of buttoning him up.

After he was dressed, he made his way to the bathroom and I took off in the direction of the kitchen to pour him some cereal and a cup of coffee.

Thirty minutes later and we were in the car and headed in the direction of the doctors office. The morning had gone smoothly, and I hoped we would have an afternoon and evening to match.

Instead of waiting while Dr. Cullen examined my dad, I joined him during the examination. Charlie had asked me to because he thought it would be better if we heard the same thing at the same time in the hope that it would lead us to the same feelings. If only it were that easy.

The nurse weighed him and then escorted us into the room where she took his blood pressure and listened to his pulse. We waited about five minutes before Dr. Cullen walked through the door.

"Charlie, Bella, good morning. It's nice to see you both."

"Hey, Doc, how are you?" Charlie offered.

"Still a bit jet lagged from the trip, but in good spirits. By the way, thanks for having Edward over for Thanksgiving, I know he quite enjoyed himself."

He flashed me a knowing look as he said "enjoyed." _Hmmm._

"We were happy to have him," I replied.

"So, Charlie, tell me about how you're feeling."

My dad relayed everything in detail as Dr. Cullen listened patiently. Afterward he listened to his lungs for what seemed like forever and then followed through, checking his reflexes (which appeared to be poor).

"Would the two of you like to come with me to my office? There is a lot we need to discuss, and I think you might be more comfortable there."

"Sure, we'll be right behind you," Charlie replied.

Dr. Cullen proceeded to leave the room as I waited for dad to get his bearings. We made it to the office, just three doors down, five minutes later. Most of dad's upper body weight was relying fully on the support of the walker, as he hunched over it slightly, looking much older than his fifty-four years. He moved like an elderly man, and I could hardly believe the changes in him. Although I knew his condition would only deteriorate, my mind refused to actually believe it. A part of me kept waiting for him to get better.

Dr. Cullen had left his door open and we walked right in, taking seats in the chairs that sat opposite him.

As we settled in, Dr. Cullen grimaced slightly – just like Edward had on Thanksgiving - they had the same tell. I knew immediately that whatever was coming would be heavy.

"Charlie, Bella," he started. "I want to be as clear about everything with you as possible."

"Of course, doc, you know I like things on the level," my dad answered.

He nodded and then started relaying everything in detail. "First, I'm concerned about your weight. You've lost fifteen pounds in the course of a month. Have you been having trouble with food?"

Charlie struggled to shift in his chair. "I just don't have much of an appetite these days. I love food but instead of enjoying it, I'm getting exhausted just eating it. I needed to lose a few anyway. Maintain my girlish figure, ya know."

Dr. Cullen chuckled, "Ah, Charlie. You are refreshing, but in all seriousness your weight loss is a matter of concern. I want you to start supplementing your meals with high calorie drinks like Ensure."

"I'm no geriatric, doc."

"This I know," Dr. Cullen said, looking down and chuckling to himself again. "I'm going to have Edward monitor your weight on a more frequent basis. If you keep losing, we will have to consider a feeding tube."

"What? He can still eat though," I interjected, alarmed.

"It's a simple procedure." He went on to explain what it entailed. It didn't sound so bad, but the thought of him replacing actual food with a high-calorie liquid that was pumped directly into his stomach was completely depressing.

The news, along with his disease, was progressively worse. His lung capacity had decreased, and he would need the Bi-pap machine that Edward had mentioned. And, if that didn't work, he would need the permanent tracheostomy ventilator. Charlie's response when Dr. Cullen mentioned it was vehement. He shook his head with such conviction.

"I won't need one of those. Feeding tube, no big deal. The big blue tube? I don't even have to think about it. It's not something I want. I don't want to live that way."

Perhaps in reaction to the distraught emotion I wore on my face, Dr. Cullen looked directly at me as he responded.

"It's not something we have to decide today. The Bi-pap could provide you with a great deal of time and the flexibility you desire, Charlie. Let's not worry about the next step for now."

"You can check the little box "no." This is something I'm confident about."

I was immediately a ball of unfathomable emotion. I felt as if I was going to be ill, like if I opened my mouth I might vomit out my entire stomach rather than just the contents.

I barely remember the rest of the conversation, besides realizing that Dr. Cullen had changed the subject. He was suddenly talking about the wheelchair, and Charlie agreed that he was ready to "go there." I was there but I was not present. I knew I had missed things as I lost myself in the distressing reality of my situation.

While I appreciated his candor, Dr. Cullen had rattled me during the visit. If I didn't know better I would have thought that I had been abducted by aliens during the latter half of the appointment. There was definitely missing time.

I could only think about how my dad had outright denied the ventilator, a modern miracle that could prolong his life for years.

The thought of Charlie's decision assaulted my mind, attacking it from all sides without relenting. As we sat silently in the car headed home, the subject dominated my every thought.

When we finally arrived home, I couldn't refrain from bringing it up again. I was not a sales expert, but I was determined to sell him on anything that could prolong our time together. Dad sat down in his arm chair, and I pulled up a dining room chair next to him.

"Dad, why are you so sure about the ventilator? I mean, won't you even consider it, for me?"

"I have a lot of time to think. A lot." His deep brown eyes found mine, and I could see hesitation in them.

"And?" I asked, prompting him to continue.

"If I agree to a vent, I won't be living, I'll be existing. I want to live, Bella, just not like that. Then there's _you_."

He huffed as he readjusted his position.

"Me?"

"Yes, you. When you were a little girl my dreams were all for you. Even now that you're my grown up girl, my dreams are still for you." He started to get visibly choked up but persevered. "This is not what I want for you. The greatest gift that you could give me right now would be to tell me that you will not waste your life on sorrow and regret. I need you to live for me... for us."

In an open display of emotion, tears sprung from my eyes and fell down my cheeks. "Are you giving up?"

"Never." He looked me sternly. "You know me better than that by now. I just have to prepare, say things while I can. But, I promise, I will fight as long as I'm not just a brain preserved in an unmovable body."

I sniffled as he reached out to comfort me with his quaking hand. It stilled as it landed on top of the rounded part of my shoulder.

"I know this is hard for you, honey, but you're strong. You have the Swan constitution and you're going to get through this. All of this. I wish I could keep you from it, but I could only do that if I sent you away, and I'm too selfish to do that."

"You couldn't make me anyway."

I threw my arms around him as I knelt down on the floor, and he put his hand on the back of my head as I cried against his chest. In that moment I forgot that I was caring for him; I let go of the weights that I had worn for the past four years and I was just his little girl, seeking comfort in her daddy's arms.

"I love you, Dad," I said, sucking in air in between sobs.

"I love you...Now I think I'm going to go lie down and rest up a bit before the guys come over."

"Are you sure you don't want me to call them and make plans for another night? It's already been a big day."

"My life isn't getting any longer, sweetie. I'm looking forward to hanging with my boys tonight."

"Okay, I'm making that mushroom lasagna you love."

"Sounds delicious," he replied, getting up from his chair in an execution of great effort.

"Dad?" I asked as he started his trek to the bedroom.

"Yeah, hon?"

"Do you want help?"

"Nah, I got it." And he turned his back as he left the room.

About ten minutes later I heard the faint sound of Patsy Cline's lulling voice coming from his bedroom. I sighed internally; he only listened to Patsy Cline when he was feeling low. I wanted to find a way to comfort him, but I knew that he just had to go through it. If he wanted my help, he wouldn't have gone to the room and shut the door.

I sunk into my own pit of despair as I tried to find the motivation to get up and do the prep for dinner. Before I discovered the inspiration, my phone buzzed on the coffee table where I had set it down.

I looked at the caller ID: _Em._

My heart fluttered in my chest, and I decided not to press "Ignore" and took the call.

"Hey Em," I answered.

"Iz! I'm stoked you picked up. It's been a couple of weeks, and I've been thinking about you. How are things?"

"Today has been all sorts of difficult to tell you the truth." Normally I would reserve my emotional confessions for Alice, but he caught me at a point of vulnerability, and I needed to get it off my chest.

"Tell me about it. I'm here to listen...I'm here for you." His voice was comforting and without its usual sarcastic undertone. In an instant, I craved to have his arms around me; I wanted him with me.

"For starters, his lungs are showing decreased function and that means he'll have to be on this machine called a Bi-pap for at least a few hours a day and while he sleeps. He's also lost some weight and will probably have to have a feeding tube implanted within a month or two. Then there's the wheelchair being delivered this week and the hospital bed next week...and now, he's in his room listening to Patsy Cline. You know what that means."

"Damn, Izzy, that's a lot to swallow. I can understand why he might be feeling depressed. Are you okay?"

"No."

"I know it might be crappy timing, but I'm going to be heading there tomorrow to meet with a client. I was hoping I might be able to take you to dinner."

"Oh," I said, caught off guard. "Um, I don't know. I'll have to see if someone can come hang out with dad for a while. Otherwise I think it sounds...nice." My stomach, to my surprise, did back flips. Old feelings began to unearth themselves from the graveyard in my heart.

"I hope you can find someone; I would hate to come all the way there and not get to see you. Of course, I could just hang with the two of you."

"As much as I would like that, I could use a night away. Especially after today. Let me see if anyone is willing to hang around and give you a call later, kay?"

"Sounds good, babe. I'll talk to you soon. And hopefully I will see you tomorrow."

"I hope so too."

Almost immediately after I hung up, Edward arrived for his regular Wednesday.

"Hey, Bella," he greeted me as I opened the door.

"Hey. I nearly forgot you were coming today. I think my brain went on an unapproved vacation after the appointment this morning," I admitted.

"I spoke with my dad. I understand today was pretty daunting."

"Yeah, that's probably an understatement," I replied, motioning to the couch for him to take a seat.

"Is Charlie sleeping?" he questioned, sitting down.

"Yep. It was a lot to take in for him...and me."

"I can imagine. The most difficult thing about a terminal disease is waiting for things to get better but knowing deep down they never will."

His words were in direct accord with my feelings. I nodded my head, affirming his statement.

"How did he take it?" he asked.

"He seemed to be okay, but when he went to his bedroom, he started listening to Patsy Cline. He only listens to her when he's depressed. I always knew when he was thinking about my mother when I was a little girl because he would play her music. It's funny, he never admitted it to me, but somehow I always new it was related to her. Guess there's a new bitch in town," I said sardonically, the ALS being the "new bitch."

"I'm sure he'll snap out of it. These things take their toll but your dad is resilient, and I know he'll be back in fighting form soon, at least mentally."

"It just seems like it's all happening so fast. I'm so afraid." He reached out to me in his comforting way and put his hand on my shoulder.

"I know it's scary to watch all of this and to hear about everything that's around the corner, but I think once you have the chair, the Bi-pap, and the hospital bed that things will level out again for a while. They will be different but also stabilized. I promise I will be here for you, every step of the way."

My eyes, which were brimming with tears, found his and I asked, "Will you?"

With a firm and assuring squeeze of my shoulder and conviction in his green eyes he said, "Everyday if that's what you need."

I laughed. "Are you just looking to make some extra money?" It was a completely defensive reaction. I didn't intend to be callous, I was just trying inadvertently to protect my heart, spare it any more pain.

"No. Absolutely not. I know things are confusing, but I'm here because I care...about _both_ of you." His firm grip on my shoulder deepened.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that; I just never expected _this,"_ I reversed, gesturing back in forth between us.

"To be completely honest, I didn't expect it myself. But, it's quite the job perk if you ask me. Having found a friend in you and in Charlie is a gift, one I won't take for granted."

_There was that word again. Friend. _It didn't matter; I wasn't going to be a "Bitter Betty" about it any more. I was going to appreciate it and be thankful for it.

"I'm glad that you consider knowing me a part of your benefit package." I giggled under my breath and felt better than I had all day. He had a knack for doing that to me.

"I'm hoping that it's a mutual benefit," he said with a smile.

"Oh, it is. Definitely. Would you like to stay for dinner tonight? The guys are coming over and I'm making a killer lasagna."

"Hmmm. Let me think about that," he said, tapping his chin while looking towards the ceiling.

"Okay, I would love to. But it better be killer," he joked.

The look on his face turned slightly more serious as his hands began massaging the base of my neck. His lips were parted just barely and his eyes were not leaving mine. Part of me wanted to let my head drop back and submit to his soothing touch, but I knew it was best to keep my head. His touch seemed more than friendly to me. No wonder my brain was completely scrambled when it came to Edward. He was quickly becoming king of mixed messages. Of course, maybe it was just my own lack of experience with male friends that led me to misunderstand his ministrations.

"Edward, you should stop that or I might not ever let you..." I trailed off.

"You're very tense, just relax."

"I really should start my prep work for dinner..."

"Shhhh," was his only response.

I had no more strength to voice protests; his hand was working some sort of magic on the stress I held in my neck. I actually had grown so accustomed to the tension I barely realized it was there; it had become a part of me.

About ten minutes into him working my tight muscles, we both heard the stirrings of my dad in his bedroom.

His hand slowly left my neck and dragged across my shoulder as I came out of my massage-induced foggy state of mind. I much preferred it to my earlier unconscious consciousness at Dr. Cullen's office.

"Thank you."

"Did it help?" he questioned, foolishly.

"I think the answer to that is fairly obvious."

He smiled crookedly and started to stand. "I'll go check on him now. Looking forward to dinner. Thanks for the invitation."

"No thanks necessary."

He left the room, en route to attend to my dad. I retreated to the kitchen and settled into the therapy that cooking had become for me.

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**End Note: Edward is a Private Duty Nurse, this allows him to have a more intimate relationship with his patient and their families. He's not governed by a board or rules that prevent him from this type of interaction. I am trying to write this story with honesty and realism so sometimes I like to point these little things out. ;) Reviews? Pretty please with Edward on top?**


	11. Chapter 11

**Thanks again to my wonderful beta and friend Saluki168. I Flove her!**

**Thanks to you! Everyone who is reading this message and my story - I appreciate it so much!**

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Chapter 11

I stirred the creamy sauce on the stove; the spicy aroma of nutmeg filled the air. As the sauce simmered, I melted the butter, heated the olive oil, and began to prepare the portabella mushrooms. The lasagna wasn't anything I could attribute to personal invention, it was a recipe from the _Barefoot_ _Contessa _, but it never failed to please a crowd.

I flipped on the _Bose _radio in the kitchen; it was already set to the station that my dad and I had compromised on. To my surprise Bing Crosby was belting out his classic version of "White Christmas." In the madness of my life, I had forgotten Christmas was right around the corner. I hadn't even considered shopping, and I was left in state of disbelief that I had been completely unaware of the signs that must have been everywhere. I hadn't done a lick of decorating, nor had I thought about a tree. No wonder my dad was feeling down; we generally decorated the house the weekend following Thanksgiving. It was almost as if I had repressed it as a result of all the recent stress.

I returned to my preparations as I mentally made a list of everything I had to do before the day arrived. Three weeks was plenty of time to pull it off successfully. _I'll have to leave dad in Edward's care. That's fine though. Fine. _

As I set the table, they finally came out of the bedroom. The color had returned to my dad's cheeks, and Edward had helped him into a clean t-shirt and flannel. He looked better and my mood followed suit.

"Wow, honey, it smells great in here."

"Thanks, dad. Are you excited to see the boys?

"Sure am. I'm pretty starved too."

"I'm putting the lasagna in now. And Edward decided to stay."

"Yeah, I know."

"Bella," Edward cut in. "You should be warned that after Thanksgiving I will find it difficult to turn down any future invitations for dinner."

I smiled. Cooking was one thing I had confidence in. "Noted," I replied.

They both sat down at the kitchen table looking like patrons waiting to be served.

"Do you know I had nearly forgotten about Christmas?"

"Honey, that's a clear sign you need to get out more," my dad said cheekily.

"Now I won't have a choice! I'll be out there scrambling with all the other last minute shoppers."

"You know there's an amazing invention known as the internet that could help you avoid the crowds," Edward offered.

I turned around and glared at him. "You know, if you take into account that I completely forgot about the holiday, I think you could cut me some slack."

"I was hardly being serious."

I wasn't mad, just feeling out of whack. _Would life ever feel normal again? Was there any going back to normal once it had been left behind? _My dad turned and whispered something to Edward that elicited a chuckle.

"What was that?" I demanded.

"Nothing," Charlie answered, feigning innocence.

I just shook my head disapprovingly at both of them, though I thought their camaraderie was endearing. The phone rang, saving them both from further scrutiny.

"Hello?" I answered.

"May I please speak with Ms. Isabella Swan?"

"Whatever you're selling, I'm not interested."

"No, Ms. Swan, please wait. I'm calling from the delivery service for the Quantum 6000z wheelchair. We're prepared to deliver it on Friday between noon and five o'clock. Will you be available during that time?"

"Um, sure. Friday works," I said.

"Thank you Ms. Swan. We'll be there on Friday then."

I hung up the phone and hurried back to the stove.

"Who was that, honey?" _Damn._

"It was the delivery service for the wheelchair. It's coming on Friday."

"Well Merry Christmas to me!" he said in a facetious yet jovial tone.

"That was hardly the response I anticipated."

"I'm just _rolling_ with it now. Get it, rolling?" He started laughing at his own bad joke.

"Ha, ha."

"I'll plan to be here on Friday," Edward interjected.

"Maybe you can take Saturday off, have a real weekend," Charlie suggested.

"We'll see how it goes," Edward said, staring in my direction.

Before the conversation could continue any further, there was resounding knock at the door.

"Come in!" I yelled, remaining at my post in the kitchen.

I heard the door open and then the ruckus the guys made as they came through the door. "Ho Ho Ho!" Billy's voice barreled into the kitchen, making my dad smile.

Soon the scent of pine assaulted my senses and I turned around as Edward helped Charlie up from his seated position. The guys had arrived with a Christmas tree.

"We thought you could use one of these; we'd love to help you decorate it, or at least get the lights on it tonight," Sam offered.

Charlie laughed heartily; so much so, he started choking.

"Whoa there," Edward said, placing a steadying hand on my dad's back.

"I'm alright, thanks," he replied, recovering.

"Smells amazing, as always," Josh said, heading in my direction with arms extended.

"Thanks, Josh. And thanks to all of you for bringing the tree! I hate to say it, but I have no idea where our stand is."

"We got it covered," Paul said as he single handedly begin retreating to the living room with the tree. "Where do you want it?"

I followed him into the living room, my dad doing his best to keep pace. "We usually put it right here," I said, indicating the spot in front of one of the windows.

"Perfect," Paul answered, all business.

"Josh, Sam, Paul, this is Edward," I introduced.

"So you're the man," Sam answered, extending his hand.

"I would have to say 'the man' is actually Charlie here."

"Truer words have never been spoken," Billy remarked.

"That's enough of that," Charlie said, slashing through the air with his hand, begging them off.

The kitchen timer sounded, reminding me to remove the lasagna from the oven. It had to rest for about ten minutes, so I set it on the stove top to cool. With everyone gathered in the living room, I was alone until Sam walked into the kitchen.

"Can I do anything to help? Emily usually keeps me away from the kitchen, but I can generally chop vegetables or grate cheese without any casualties."

"No, everything's done, but thanks. Actually, there's something else I wanted to ask you."

"Of course, what can I do?"

"Would you mind coming here for a few hours tomorrow night? I have a friend coming to town and I was thinking about going out to dinner."

"Yeah, I'll come over. Maybe I'll even bring Emily with me. What time?"

"Six?"

"I'll plan on it. I have the night off and I never get sick of your old man. He's been a mentor to me, you know."

"I know he feels comfortable that the station is in such good hands. You're a good man, Sam."

"I pale in comparison to your father, but it gives me greatness to strive for."

"You will make us all proud, I'm sure." I smiled in his direction.

"Thanks. It helps to know I have the Chief's daughter's endorsement."

"I think we're ready to eat here; want to grab everyone for me?"

He nodded, turned, and walked out of the kitchen and into the living room.

I carefully cut one of the two pans of lasagna into manageable squares and placed it on the table, which was soon encircled by hungry men.

"Looks delicious, Bella. Just one thing, where's everyone else's?" Billy commented, pretending to reach for the entire pan.

"Don't worry, I'm a policeman's daughter. I'm prepared with back-up."

"And quick. Mighty quick," he said, shaking his head at me.

Everyone dug in and after filling my own plate, I headed back into the living room to let them have their "guy time." Just as I put the first bite in my mouth, Edward appeared holding his own plate.

"Is it alright if I eat with you?"

"Sure," I said, swallowing a hot mouthful. "But don't feel obligated. You can hang out with the guys if you want."

"Nah. Let him have his time. He sees me plenty."

I was curled up on the couch with my legs tucked underneath me and my plate in my lap; Edward sat down at the other end of the couch. I hated that the thought crossed my mind that he was sitting even further away from me than he had the previous time. The line had been drawn in the sand and across it in clearly written, bold lettering was one word: _friend._

It should have thrilled me to the gills to have a friend in him, instead I felt utterly dismal. It was clear and undeniable what had happened. I had developed a crush on Edward. It had crept up from behind and caught me completely off guard. There was no denying it, but I would not act on it. It could result in catastrophe, and I had enough going on without throwing that in on top of it all.

"Bella." His voice pulled me out of myself.

"What's going on? Something on your mind?" His tone was lightly laced with concern.

"Sorry, I was just thinking about things."

"What things?" he asked, quirking a seductive eyebrow.

_Think fast._

My dad's healthy laugh along with those of his friends lent me a helping hand.

"He was so down today. And then you show up and an hour later he's coming out of his room all smiles. How do you do that?" It was a question I had been meaning to ask for a while but for some reason it always slipped my mind.

He took a bite of lasagna and chewed thoughtfully, his jaw moving in a fluid motion. He even made eating sexy.

_Stop it; you are not helping yourself right now._

"Before I answer that I just have to tell you that I never want to stop eating _this._ You've outdone yourself."

I smiled at him, acknowledging my gratefulness.

"To answer your question, all I really do is listen to him. I'm patient with him when he's talking - _I_ know you are too – and I let him speak freely."

"I feel a bit frustrated that he won't talk to me. I feel like you're becoming my translator."

I took a bite. The lasagna had come out as close to perfection as it could probably get. It would be hard to repeat it the exact result again, even following a recipe. I wish I could somehow catalog my random innovations in the kitchen.

"There are things your dad is more comfortable sharing with me, things a daughter shouldn't have to be subjected to."

"Oh," I replied. "Is there anything else?"

His expression screamed reluctance and I knew he was holding back. I braced myself to hear something unpleasant

"I think your dad knows you well enough to understand how you handle stress; he worries about talking to you because he knows you internalize things. He doesn't want to watch you destroy yourself."

In a screaming whisper I said, "Why does everyone treat me like I'm fifteen years old? I know I don't always deal with things in the best way but I'm an adult, and I need to know what's going on!"

"Bella," he started, in an even tone. "You need to talk to him about this. I'm here for you, but I can't allow myself to come between the two of you. I don't want to be a part of your communication breakdown."

I was stumped for a response. Edward looked down. He had spoken to me in tone that had an heir of smugness to it. I was slightly crestfallen.

We continued to stare at our individual plates, a barricade of silence suddenly cemented between us.

The effects of the crush heightened, my heart was aching for things to be better, especially since laughter continued to echo from the kitchen.

"I'm sorry for how that came out, truly," he said, breaking the ice.

I sighed knowingly. "Don't be sorry. It's hard for me to admit it but it's true; I internalize things. Except around you, of course. Around you the emotions tumble out of me in tidal waves."

He frowned before saying, "That definitely can't be a good thing. I like to make people feel better."

I laughed. My answer was crystal clear in my head. "But don't you see? You help me expel all the internal turmoil, so in truth you do make me feel better."

"Why didn't I think about that?" he asked before chuckling. "I'm going for seconds. Do you need anything?"

"No. I'm going to see if I can grab the ornaments out of the garage."

"Do you need any help?"

"I've got it. Go get your seconds."

I dropped my plate off in the kitchen and proceeded to enter the garage. Thankfully my dad had kept it neat as a pin and logically organized. I found the Christmas stuff easily and grabbed two boxes marked "ornaments." They were not too heavy but completely cumbersome. Through some crafty balancing, I managed to open the door back up. As I walked past the kitchen, one of the guys who turned out to be Paul, said, "Whoa, Bella. Let me help you with that." He got up and was at my side in an instant, taking the box off the top.

"Thanks."

"Let's decorate the tree everyone," Paul instructed. He was easily confident; I liked that.

For the next hour, lights were strung and ornaments were placed on the delicate branches of the beautiful blue spruce. Everyone took part, Charlie delegating the location of ornaments as he saw fit. Josh bent the top of the tree down, careful not to disturb the ornaments, so that my dad could place the star on top of the tree. It looked incredible when it was done. It felt festive and warm thoughts of Christmas past led to conversation among us all. We shared some decaf and personal memories. No one seemed in rush to leave, in fact, Edward ended up leaving before everyone else.

"I'll see the two of you on Friday."

"Thanks for everything, Edward!" my dad exclaimed, looking as happy as a clam.

"Oh wait," I said, stopping him. I quickly went to the kitchen and retrieved a Tupperware container.

"I thought you might want some left overs"

Our fingers brushed for an all too brief moment as the container passed between us. He examined it before looking up and saying, "Thanks, hopefully it makes it home."

I laughed. "See you Friday."

"Goodnight, Bella."

And with that we went our separate ways for the night.

The guys lingered for another thirty minutes, and I cleaned up while they continued their banter.

Josh offered to help with the dishes, as he always did. And, per usual, I declined.

After finishing up, I picked up the phone and dialed Emmett. He answered before the first ring had finished. "Iz! What's the word?"

"That depends on where you're taking me."

"So you can get away tomorrow night?" His voice was laced with pure excitement.

"Yep."

"I don't know where I'm going to take you. Fortunately the choices are extremely limited, so it shouldn't be too much of a challenge. I can pick you up around five-thirty?"

"Uh...how about we meet there? Just call me a half an hour beforehand and I'll be wherever you decide."

"Okay. But I really don't mind driving."

"Let's just keep it simple, kay?"

"Whatever you want, Izzy. I'll call you tomorrow. Night."

"Night," I replied before hanging up the phone.

After helping my dad settle into bed, I quickly washed my face, threw on some pajamas, and headed to bed.

We had made it through another day. And it had been a good one.

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Thoughts, questions, concerns about Emmett's reappearance and Edward's "line in the sand"? As me your questions in the reviews - I promise to answer!


	12. Chapter 12

**I love my beta something FIERCE! Saluki168 always rocks me with her work. I'm so excited to get to meet her in the flesh in a little over three weeks!**

**Thank you also to my lovely readers, you breathe life into this story.**

**Hang on tight, this chapter might take you on a bit of a ride.**

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Chapter 12

I awoke to the sound of my father's hoarse voice calling my name through the monitor.

My immediate thought was that I had overslept, but the dark sky outside told me otherwise.

Gathering myself as quickly as I could, I navigated the stairs, using my hands against the walls to steady my wobbly limbs. When I reached the last step, my heel slipped on the slick hardwood and I barely righted myself.

I walked into his room, flipped on the light, and started blinking as my eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness.

"What's up, dad?" I asked in my groggy morning rasp.

"I'm sorry," he said remorsefully. "I couldn't get up in time."

It wasn't connecting in my brain. "Sorry for what?"

"I had to go to the bathroom, but I couldn't...make it." A look of shame flashed on his face, and I caught the scent of urine as I approached.

I wanted to cry for him. I wanted to soothe and reassure him. I wanted him to know that I knew it was not his fault.

"Edward's not coming today," he said, still obviously embarrassed.

"It's okay, dad. I'm here. I know you're more comfortable with him, but you can rely on me too. Tell me what will work for you, okay? We can do this."

He sat unresponsive for a moment. I imagined that beyond being embarrassed, he was both physically and emotionally uncomfortable and as unsure about what to do as I was.

"I need to shower. If you can help me up and to the bathroom, we can test my legs." He choked over the words. I could tell he was striving to keep himself from breaking down.

"Alright," I answered, pulling back the covers, the scent becoming more pungent. He was already propped on pillows, so I grabbed one of his calves in each of my hands and swung his legs over the edge. I put the walker in front of him, linked his arm with mine, and helped him lean into it.

"How are your legs?"

"They're numb. And very heavy," his voice was gruff. He was angry. I could hardly blame him; this was no way to start the day. I glanced at the clock; it was just after four in the morning. He attempted to take his first step, and it was like watching a replay in slow motion. But he took the step unassisted.

"I think I've got it. Don't know how long I can manage to stand in the shower though."

I started considering how I could make it work for him. The walker really wouldn't help as it would be difficult to maneuver around it. He didn't have a bathtub, so that was out of the question, as was ascending the stairs to the bathroom that did have one.

"Take your time; I have an idea. I'll be right back."

I tore out of the room and out into the garage in my socked feet, grabbed one of our plastic patio chairs, and carried it back inside. Charlie had only made it about halfway to the bathroom, so he saw me as I entered the bedroom.

"I think this might help. We should probably invest in one of those shower chair thingies," I said, passing him with the chair in hand.

"Yeah," he mustered out, taking another measured step.

I made my way to the shower, slid the door open and was pleased to discover that the chair fit inside. The fit was good; the legs braced themselves securely against either side and the back wall would provide stability. The single soap shelf was within reach from the chair, and I put everything he would need right there. I turned on the water, finding the right temperature with my fingertips and heard my dad as his walker squeaked its way into the bathroom.

"Do you need help taking your clothes off?" I thought it would be easier if I offered rather than making him ask for help.

"Just my shirt, I can manage the rest." I hung his towel over the glass door of the shower, letting it fall far enough on the other side that he could grab it easily.

As he raised his arms over his head, I removed his shirt carefully, making sure not to tip him off balance. I looked him directly in the eyes; I was going to show him that he could depend on me, make him understand.

"Are you sure you don't want any more help?"

"No, I can't. I just-I'll find a way." His voice portrayed his desperation. I knew I had to take the upper hand.

"Let me help you out of those. If I do you can get in there faster. I'll be quick, promise."

I summoned strength that I wasn't sure I was actually capable of tapping into. I knew it was just another adjustment. Stepping behind him, I quickly pulled down his pants, underwear and all, and helped him lift one foot at a time to help him step out of them.

Turning my head, I said, "Do you think you need help getting in the shower?"

"No, I can get it. I'm sure."

"Okay, I'm going to go throw this stuff in the laundry. I'll come check on you in a few, alright?"

"Yeah. Thanks, Bella."

"You don't have to thank me."

"Yes, I do."

"In that case, you're welcome."

I quickly stripped the bed and added the sheets to the pile of damp clothing. I promptly threw them in the washer and started the cycle.

I had done it. I really had. I did something I never thought I could. And, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I felt for my dad, as I was sure it made him feel like less of a man than he actually was. He was really my hero and nothing, especially not a little accident, would ever change the image of him I held in my mind and heart. I knew it took courage for him to reach out to me. I was somewhat relieved it was not an "Edward" day. My dad and I needed to be comfortable with everything moving forward, not to mention he probably would have lay there in complete and utter discomfort while he waited stubbornly for Edward to arrive. We broke through a wall; we had managed, just the two of us. The unfamiliar sensation of pride washed over me, and I smiled to myself.

I went through a mini-transformation that morning. I had the epiphany that I needed to carry on. My dad was here and I knew he wasn't ever going to get better, but what I could do, what I was in control of, was my own reaction to things. I felt the weight of denial lift and the calming presence of acceptance take its place. All that mattered was how we spent each day. I wasn't going to waste another minute in the mind-hold of denial. I was going to bask in the freedom of acceptance.

As the sun began to brighten the morning sky, I made my way back to check on my dad. Just before I was about to call out to him, I heard him humming on the other side of the partially ajar door. The tune was recognizable, "Feeling Good," as sung by Nina Simone. I knew it was that version. He had always preferred it to others, and I warmed from the inside out as I listened at the door. I decided to let him have more uninterrupted time and made my way to the kitchen to put some coffee on.

I had turned it around. I had finally discovered Edward's trick. Or, maybe, it was my own.

A half an hour after he first got in the shower, he was finally finished. He did need help getting out of the chair but was able to wrap the towel around himself to obscure his nudity.

I made sure he made it to the armchair in the corner of his bedroom where I had placed some clothes on the arm rest.

"Let me help you get your pants on, okay?" My tone was gentle, yet decisive.

"Okay."

As he clung to the towed wrapped around him, I pulled his boxers up and on, without even a glimpse of anything that would make me uncomfortable. I followed suit with a comfy pair of lounge pants and then helped him into the chair. Without resisting, he lifted his arms as high as he could, and I slipped his old _Seattle Supersonics t-_shirt over his head.

"Would you rather go back to bed, or rest out in the living room?"

"I ain't sleeping after that shower. But relaxing in front of the TV sounds good."

"Let's go then, I'll make an early breakfast."

He nodded as he trailed me down the hall.

We ate a breakfast of oatmeal, bananas, milk and brown sugar along with French-pressed coffee.

"So, dad, Sam and Emily are going to come by tonight while I go out to eat. Is that alright?"

He scrunched his face into a frown. "You got me a babysitter? I really, really don't need a babysitter."

His stern look told me everything I needed to know.

"Maybe you don't need a babysitter, but you need a lifeline."

"I have a cell phone. Can't I just be alone for one night?"

I considered what he was asking. I just knew I couldn't leave him without having someone there, at least to check in on him.

"Please. Don't deny me the peace of mind. It's not that I don't trust you. I just won't be able to think about anything else if I leave you here alone. I know it sucks."

"Alright. I surrender to your peace of mind." He put his hands up in the air. "So, who are you having dinner with anyway?"

"Emmett, actually."

"Oh shit. Are you two kids starting something up again?" His speech was typically labored, but I had become accustomed to it. It sounded normal to me.

"No, it's nothing like that. He has a meeting here and thought we could catch a bite afterward."

"Good, I don't think I could stand back and watch you go there again."

"You have nothing to worry about. I'm older and wiser now." I winked my reassurance.

"You better be."

I couldn't help but think about the fact that I had never been with any man other than Emmett. He had been my first and my last. I had a handful of dates after our divorce and prior to my dad's diagnosis, but nothing serious ever came out of any of them. I was in a four year dry spell and silently hoped that my girl parts wouldn't shrivel up. I had plenty of sexing at an early age, but I almost felt like a born again virgin. Maybe that was part of the reason I had been so affected by Edward. I hadn't had that kind of male attention, no matter how slight, since high school. Since...Emmett. I was a pretty sad puppy, statistically.

After breakfast, my dad fell asleep in his Lazyboy chair watching the _Planet Earth_ series on the Discovery Channel.

I slipped upstairs to take a shower and afterward, wrapped in my robe, lay down on the bed. I didn't mean to, but I drifted off to sleep.

I startled awake, sitting straight up, after having a nightmare about my dad. He was in the bathtub, which suddenly was bottomless and his head was slipping below the surface. He gargled and choked on the water, his mouth gasping for air but only taking in water. I was there, watching. Frozen to the spot I stood in. My brain was willing me forward but when I tried to lift my feet, they were solidly adhered to the linoleum flooring. "Dad," I screamed, "hold on!" But he couldn't and he slipped below the surface becoming a blurry mess of hair below the water. And that's when I woke up. My face was wet with tears that had come during my disturbing, unscheduled nap. My heart was beating so fast, I thought a hummingbird might be trapped within my rib cage. I tore down the stairs without a second thought, where I found my father still sleeping peacefully.

I was shaken. I knew it was only a dream, but it had drained me of my spirit. My overactive mind was not doing me any favors and I wanted to rip it out of my skull. I stomped up the stairs and stopped in the bathroom to look in the mirror. My cheeks were streaked pink and my hair was a wet, matted mess. I really didn't need that nap. It had done anything but refresh me.

I took a comb to my tangled locks. I started at the bottom and worked my way up through the thick jungle of waves. After I finished, I washed my face for a second time, gently patting it dry afterward. I took a few deep breaths, willing my brain to dispose of the impressions it had been left with after the dream. For a moment a ball of emotion settled in my chest, but I took another breath, in through my nose and out through my mouth, and was rewarded with a touch of relief. I dressed in a pair of jeans and a dark green sweater before heading downstairs.

While my dad slept, I sat on the couch, completely zoned out. _Was this really my life?_

Around four o'clock in the afternoon, Charlie finally rallied awake. Emmett still hadn't called, but it was early. I figured he would give me just enough time to make it to the restaurant; he wasn't much of a planner.

Sam and Emily showed up around five-thirty and I _still_ hadn't heard from him. Emily had brought over homemade banana bread, apple butter, and a thirteen-bean soup. The savory scent of sausage and sage wafted through the doorway. My stomach growled. _Where was Emmett?_

Just when I was about to let my anger boil over, there was a strong knock at the door.

I opened the door and was momentarily shocked and annoyed to find Emmett standing on the other side.

"I thought we had agreed to meet at the restaurant?" I deadpanned.

"You're hot when you're mad, remember?" He smiled, dimples cratering his cheeks.

Annoyance gave way to a relieving laugh.

"You're ridiculous, you know?" I said, my tone lighter.

"Did you cook? It smells great in here," he commented, walking through the door and taking me into his arms. My head fit perfectly in its old haunt, crooked in his neck, under his chin. He smelled good. Cologne, definitely. Although I wasn't normally a fan, whatever he was wearing smelled shockingly pleasant and not at all cheap.

"That's Emily Uley's good cooking you're smelling. She and Sam are in the kitchen with dad. You should come say hi to him."

"Yeah, that's why I decided to just show up. I know you wanted to meet at the restaurant, but I had to say hello to your old man."

"You could've just told me that you know," I answered back, smirking.

He followed me in the kitchen and saw my dad for the first time since the divorce. I was used to the physical changes in my dad; I wondered how he looked to Emmett?

His greeting gave nothing away, as he comfortably approached Charlie and extended his hand.

"Good to see you, Emmett." The words came out in a slow drawl.

"Charlie, you're looking well my man."

"I'm not your man, smart ass. This here is the lovely Emily Uley. And next to her is her husband, Sam. He'll kick your ass if you try anything funny with Bella."

"Dad!"

"Don't worry honey, he can take it. Can't you Emmett?" My dad cocked one of his thick brows.

"Yeah. I'm all good. Good to meet the two of you. I'm going to abscond with Bella now."

I rolled my eyes at his use of the word "abscond." He liked to think he could intimidate people with his words. His brawn was only used as a secondary weapon.

"We'll see you later," I said, slinging my arm through Emmett's and uprooting him from the spot where he stood.

"You kids be good now," my dad called after us.

"Night!" I said, ignoring his instruction.

As we walked to the car I asked, "So where did you decide to take me? Coffee shop, Ru's, or Italian?"

"How about Ru's? I could always go for a deep dish," he answered as I took my seat in the car.

"Sounds fine. Let's go."

As we were driving, Emmett didn't say anything. I thought about our time together. Our previous life. I thought about the night I, at least subconsciously, knew it was over.

_Emmett had been a dedicated college student. I had fallen into the housewife routine and decided to take a year off after we got married. We ended up losing ourselves to resentment and bitterness. Instead of acting like twenty-year old adults, we were acting more like sixty-year old retirees. He resented my freedom to take a year off, and I was bitter that I never saw him. Resentment and bitterness do not a happy marriage make. I decided to take a job at a travel agency around that time. I attended training for the travel booking engines and became a certified Sandals agent. Although I wasn't well traveled, I took to it immediately. I found myself daydreaming about far away places and exotic people. I dreaded returning home each night. Ironically, after a particularly sunny day, when everything felt right in the world, I returned home to find a disappointing note from Emmett. "Gone to study. Be home late. See ya in the morning. Emmett." We had grown distant and rarely shared anything with each other. I felt alone when I should have felt complete. I was depressed when I should have been blissful. Instead of going to bed, I waited for him. I stewed. He finally showed up around one o'clock in the morning._

"_Hey, Iz. I'm surprised you're still up," he greeted me. "What's wrong?" he asked, responding to the scowl that was present on my face._

"_Are you happy?"_

_He let out an exasperated sigh. "It's one in the morning; you really want to talk right now? I just finished cramming."_

"_Yeah. I want to talk about it. Answer me."_

_His hand traced up my thigh. "I could be happy..." he trailed off, his hand inching further up my leg._

"_No! I'm serious Emmett. What is going on with us?"_

_He recoiled his hand quickly in reaction to my sharp tone._

"_Fine. If you want to be that way, no. I'm not particularly happy these days. I never see you. You make no effort towards me. I'm carrying eighteen units; seriously, you could show a little more consideration for that!"_

"_Whatever. You don't get it. I work my ass off everyday. It's not like you're the only one with crazy responsibility. I'm tired of this. It just...it just isn't working anymore."_

_In a repentant tone, he pleaded, "Please, Iz. We're both exhausted. Let's just take this up tomorrow. C'mon. Let's go to bed."_

"_Whatever." I reluctantly followed him upstairs. _

Although things weren't finalized that night, and we made an effort for a couple of months, we decided to end things shortly thereafter. We were growing, finding our own paths. Sometimes high school sweethearts were destined for eighty years of shared memories, but that was not the case for us. When we became a couple and eventually married, we were still evolving, not done becoming who we were destined to be. Unfortunately we weren't growing together. In fact, we didn't know it, but we were growing apart.

"So I thought we could pick up the pizza and head down to the waterfront. I brought a bottle of wine, a couple of glasses, and a blanket," he interrupted unknowingly.

"Wow, aren't you Mr. Romantic."

"I've picked up a few tricks in the last few years," he said, completely self assured.

A moment later he phoned in our order and the night was set into motion.

We made it to a little spot at the waterfront we knew quite well , about forty minutes later. He was quite dashing and adorable with the picnic basket in hand. He spread out the blanket on a smooth clearing of dirt and we sat down. He uncorked the bottle of Bogle Zinfandel while I served up the pizza, one slice each.

"To the future," he toasted, raising his glass and handing me my own.

We clinked then sipped. I let the red liquid settle on my tongue before swallowing it slowly. It was luscious and velvety, it went down smooth.

"You're beautiful tonight, Izzy." His eyes were full of lust, heavily lidded, preying.

"Em..." I replied, fading out as I broke contact.

"Charlie looks good," he said, abruptly changing the subject.

"You really think so?"

"Yeah, I do. I mean, he was a little hard to understand, but overall, I wasn't too shocked."

"Thanks. That's the biggest compliment you can pay me."

"You know, Iz, when...I mean...um after he's," he stuttered.

"Get to the point."

"What are you planning to do..._later_?"

"I wish everyone would stop worrying about me. I'll be fine." I was instantly over the night. Ready to go.

"I just want you to know that you an always come back to me. Anytime. Always."

"Thanks for the offer, but I think we've played house enough for one lifetime."

He set down his glass and a look of desperation tainted his genuinely joyful face. "I just want to be there for you – take care of you. I just can't stop thinking about you." He scooted closer to me and leaned in, posturing himself to kiss me. I snapped back and pulled away.

"No, I- I can't."

Rejection replaced the desperation. I felt awful, but I just couldn't let myself go there.

"I'm sorry. It's just the way we were. It's the only thing I know. It's the only w_ay _I know how to make you feel better."

"Trust me, that's not the way. Not now."

He looked thoughtful before posing his next question.

"Do you ever miss high school?"

"No. Definitely not. Do you?" I returned, genuinely interested.

"Just you. And you with me."

"What are you trying to do to me Emmett? You know I love you-" he cut me off.

"But you're not in love with me, right?"

His corresponding eye roll and tongue-in-cheek tone made me laugh – but then he returned to his serious disposition.

"I miss the sound of your laugh."

I playfully slugged him in the arm. "You seriously need to stop trying to woo me."

"Woo you? What kind of vocabulary archive did you dig that out of?"

"Shut up." I looked down briefly.

And then it happened. Before I had a chance to react his lips were on mine. He kissed me hard and overpowered my previous restraint with his insistence. The kiss was long and not at all polite and likely would have gone on longer but a fleeting thought of Edward pushed me back into reality.

I put my hands up, pushing him away from me. "I can't Emmett. Please, understand. Please don't hate me."

"I could never hate you. I should be apologizing right now, but that's not going to happen." He wore a devilish, sexy smile and I wanted to kiss him more, but I couldn't. Especially not while I had another man on the brain. It would be unfair...to Emmett.

"I think we should get going. You still have a drive ahead of you." I packed up the basket hastily. The entire atmosphere was too alluring, too tempting.

As we stood up, he said, "Can I have a hug?" His sad puppy-dog eyes would not allow a negative response.

"You can hug me."

I reached out, wrapped my arms around his center, and he enveloped me in his. He rubbed my back, his strong hands kneading and prodding my sore muscles.

"No matter what, I'll always love you. Just know that," I said, my face snuggled into his chest.

"And I will always love you, too."

We headed home after that and I refused to let him walk me to the door. Even though he was joking earlier in the evening it was true: I loved him, but I was not in love with him. Lightening rarely strikes twice in the same place. In our case, I knew it wouldn't. Well, I was pretty sure it wouldn't.

Having made it through the evening, I walked through the door and closed it behind me.

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**Okay, don't freak out. Emmett and Bella are first loves and they will always have something lingering between them - but Bella is a girl who knows what and who she wants. I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject and any other in the way of a review. Either way, thanks for reading!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Thanks as always to my amazing beta Saluki168 - she is an integral part of my journey with this story.**

**Also, many thanks to those of you reading & making this story a favorite! Je t'adore! I would love to hear any and all thoughts l- good, bad, ugly, I don't care- leave a review :D**

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Chapter 13

I awoke to the sound of my cell phone vibrating against the nightstand and, still half asleep, reached for it. It was Edward. Before my sleepy fingers recovered their dexterity, the call went to voice mail. It was eight-thirty in the morning, and the wine I drank the night before had given me the pleasure of a recuperative sleep. I looked at my dad on the little video monitor; he was still sleeping in his standard, upright position. My phone vibrated again, this time in the palm of my hand, alerting me that I had received a new message.

"_Hi Bella. Sorry for the wake up call. I just wanted to let you know that the Respiratory Therapist called and would like to come by this afternoon with the Bi-pap. Anyway...I went ahead and confirmed seeing how the wheelchair will also be arriving. Please call me if this doesn't work. If not, I'll see you in a bit."_

"Everything is coming today," I huffed, reluctantly throwing the covers off and getting out of bed.

I took a quick shower, dressed, and brewed the coffee before my dad stirred in his bedroom.

"Morning, Dad," I greeted as I entered the room.

"Bells, we've got a big day; you shouldn't have let me doze for so long."

"Actually, that's the very reason I decided to let you sleep in. Besides, it's only nine, nothing's happening until this afternoon," I replied, wrapping my arms behind him and helping him into a full sitting position. "How are you feeling?"

"It's a bit early to know, but so far, so good."

"You sound good." I had quickly adjusted to the notion that his speech was an indicator of his overall status. I was always relieved to hear him enunciate a little more clearly, or speak with a little more quickness. For me, every day he could speak was a gift. Thankfully, we made it through our standard morning ritual unscathed and without incident.

The phone rang just after noon; it was Billy. He and Charlie had a long conversation concluded by the phrase, "I'll be there."

After my dad hung up the phone, I asked, "You'll be where?"

"Eavesdropper," he responded in his smart-ass way. "Billy just invited me out to the Clearwater's for their New Year's Eve party. He said you're more than welcome to stop by."

"Oh, really?" I wasn't all that thrilled at the prospect, but I would go for Charlie. It wasn't as if I had plans anyway.

"I guess I'll come."

"You sound thrilled."

"No, I am. Will Leah be there? Seth?"

"Doesn't sound like it. It's mostly just us old timers."

"I'll call Sue and see what I can bring," I said, trying to be a bit more animated. _Ugh_. It wasn't my idea of a fun New Year's Eve, but at least I would be celebrating the beginning of another year with Charlie.

I hadn't really thought much about New Year's Eve, instead focusing on Christmas. I was looking forward to an intimate holiday , just the two of us. I planned to give him a new DVD player for his room along with a subscription for Netflix. There would also be a new fishing pole; I pictured it propped against the wall next to the Christmas tree along with his stocking overflowing with a bevy of smaller items. The fact that it would be just us made it all the more special; it would be our memory – ours alone.

The rest of our morning was undisturbed and calm like the glassy surface of a lake on a windless day, but the calm soon gave way to a storm of activity.

When Edward arrived, Charlie was dozing in his recliner, and it was just moments later that the respiratory therapist knocked on the door. While Edward answered, I roused my dad from his nap.

There was no time for small talk as the respiratory therapist, Michele, began immediately attending to business. She was petite, even shorter than Alice, and had short brown bob that swayed back and forth as she spoke in an animated way. She was extremely patient and kind to a fault. She explained the equipment and how it worked in a way that was easy for us to comprehend, and she walked me through the steps effortlessly. She smelled like peppermint, most likely due to the gum she chomped on casually.

Once Charlie was fitted with the mask, she suggested that he wear it for a few minutes each day to acclimate himself to it. She asked him a series of questions about how he felt, and when he answered he sounded like Darth Vader with a bad cold. He looked funny in the mask and the gray hose that hung from it reminded me of a wimpy elephant trunk. Despite the way he looked and sounded, as far as I was concerned, the contraption was my new best friend, one I hoped to be acquainted with for a long time to come.

Edward stood back quietly and observed, letting us make our adjustment unabated. He was such a welcome presence but knew when to step back just at the right moment; a comforting force that could not be ignored, though he remained in the background.

Just when Michele was gathering her things, another knock sounded at the door.

As I opened the door, she slipped past the behemoth of a gentleman that stood on the other side. Lucian was his name and he came bearing the wheelchair. After verifying he had arrived at the correct household, he shuffled down the ramp to retrieve the delivery. When he came back, he had a coworker in tow, his name was Marc. Marc was tall, but not as bulky as Lucian, who spoke with an accent, maybe Eastern European? Marc donned thick spectacles and high-water blue jeans and was probably the nerdiest body-builder type I had ever laid eyes on. I half expected him to have the nasal voice to match, but he was, in fact, quite scholarly sounding. He was there to explain the function of the chair, while Lucian was there to assist with the physical side of things.

It was actually a welcomed shock to see my dad's eyes light up at the sight of the dreaded chair. He looked at it with a curiosity I didn't recognize. As Marc began explaining things in great detail Edward became much more involved; he asked questions I never would have considered and tested the features of the chair first hand. He was poised to sit down but instead offered for Charlie to try it out first. With slow and awkward movements, my dad moved to sit in the chair. He paused cautiously above the cushioned seat before allowing his weight to settle down in it. Lucian stood behind him, making sure that he was properly situated while Marc encouraged Charlie to start testing the features. At first Charlie hit the wand with a bit too much force and he careened into the chair, bumping his shin.

After that first mishap, it only took him a few more moments before he was easily controlling his new ride. We were all smiling as he left us in his dust and zoomed down the hall. I reveled in the joy of the moment. I had been expecting sadness, trepidation, and loathing and the opposite happened. Although the wheelchair was confining it had, oddly enough, given my dad a new measure of freedom.

After another hour of thorough instructions from Marc and Lucian, who had a pretty big brain wrapped up in all his muscle, they said their goodbye and it was just the three of us again.

"Woo! I'm exhausted. Think you can help me back into my chair?" Charlie asked.

Before I could reply, Edward was flanking my dad's left side. I followed his lead and took my dad by the right arm. We had him in his chair in no time.

I walked into the kitchen as Edward helped Charlie get settled. He appeared a few minutes later.

"How was the morning, anything troubling?" he asked.

"No, it was a quiet start. I even have my New Year's Eve plans," I responded, sure my sarcasm was plain as day.

"Oh, that's too bad." He sounded sincerely disappointed.

"Why?"

"I was actually going to invite you over. My friends are flying in from New York, and my parents are planning to escape somewhere private. I thought I might have a little get together."

I couldn't stop my stomach from doing back flips at the thought; in fact it felt like there was a three ring circus taking up residence in my gut. His offer was much more enticing than my standing invitation.

"She'll be there," my dad's gruff voice called from the other room.

"Now who's eavesdropping, huh?" I replied from where I stood. He didn't respond.

Edward looked down at the floor, seeming slightly bashful, and asked, "So, what do you say?"

Even if I wanted to decline, which I didn't, it would have been difficult to say no after Charlie had essentially accepted on my behalf. "Yes, I'll come."

He looked up, his eyes twinkling and crinkling at the corners as he broke into a smile. "You're welcome to bring anyone you'd like to."

"You know, I really don't have any friends living close by. They're all spread out across the country."

"I hope we won't overwhelm you with our maleness then," he replied, almost laughing.

"I'm not worried. I'm actually very flattered you thought of me at all."

"Everyone deserves a little fun, Bella. Especially you. And, how couldn't I think of you? I see you and Charlie almost every other day."

I leaned in closer to him, so my dad wouldn't overhear me say, "Thank you for saving me from kicking off the New Year with my dad's friends. I love my dad, but I was seriously about to suggest I spend the night by myself just to avoid the situation all together."

"Well, now you don't have to worry, though I do have a bit of a hidden agenda," he said, quirking an eyebrow.

"Oh really? And what is the agenda exactly?" I really didn't have a clue, though I should have.

"Actually, I was hoping you might bring over a couple appetizers, something that can soak up the buckets of alcohol that Trent and Jesse will insist on ingesting."

"I doubt you're as innocent as you are implying, but either way I would be happy to bring over some snacks."

He smiled again and the heat that was passing between us nearly melted me to the spot where I stood.

"But, I am entirely innocent," he said facetiously.

His tone made me giggle and I felt completely at ease in his company. From what I could gather the three ring circus in my gut was catapulting toward the grand finale.

After checking on Charlie and wrapping things up, he took off into the night, but I was too happy about our newly cemented plans to be disappointed that our time together was over for the day.

Another good day.

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So, what do you think of Edward's invite?


	14. Chapter 14

**It's Christmas time in Living Through It land. Many thanks to my beta extraordinaire, Saluki168. Have you read her Indie winning fic Lost & Found? I think you might enjoy it if you are enjoying my story. It's highly under-read and under-reviewed.**

**Thanks in advance to all of you making this story a favorite, reading and reviewing.**

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Chapter 14

The week leading up to Christmas was an absolute blur of activity, and it passed so quickly I was shocked to still be standing by the end of it.

I loathed combating the rest of the last minute shoppers – people were outright violent. I was appalled at the behavior that surrounded me. Children ran around screaming, anxious to get their hands on the latest and greatest in toys, acting out of impatience for the arrival of Christmas morning. Adult supervision was lacking as parents zoned out in the frenzy of activity that surrounded them. As I waited in line at the grocery store, I almost lost my cool on a stout little woman who bashed her cart into the back of my ankle and subsequently failed to apologize. I turned around and glared at her, narrowing my eyes, but managed to hold my tongue.

I knew everything I needed to purchase, so I went only to the necessary places to complete my shopping. I was proud to accomplish everything in a mere two outings. Well, everything except for the one gift I was completely stuck on. I wanted, as did Charlie, to find something to give to Edward. He had come to mean so much to both of us that we could hardly forget to put him on our list.

On the morning before Christmas Eve day, Charlie came up with a suggestion that I went with.

"Bella, Edward loves your cooking. Why don't you just make him some cookies?" he had suggested. It seemed a little on the generic side, but I was already planning on making a mess of cookies for the station so I decided why not? My dad was right. Edward wasn't shy with compliments on my culinary expressions so it seemed it would be something I could give him that he would appreciate. Not only was there that factor, but I was just done with fighting the last minute shoppers. I was over the mass amounts of consumerism the holiday brought with it.

In the end I bought Alice a couple's massage at a spa in San Francisco; without knowing Jasper I felt it was a gift they could both take advantage of without coming off as too creepy.

I had decided on a gift that both Billy and Charlie could take part in together, a weekend fishing excursion in Seattle with _All Star Charters_. I would put the two of them on a bus to Seattle where Jake would meet up with them on the other end. Jake had a friend that would accompany them and assist at the hotel. Since Jake was trained as a paramedic, I felt comfortable letting my dad go, although I couldn't deny there was some slight trepidation. I figured, in the end, I had to take advantage of Charlie's well being and make sure he wasn't imprisoned in our home. He would go in early February. Hopefully he wouldn't suffer anymore setbacks during that time, but I wasn't going to think about that. Of course, I planned to clear it with Dr. Cullen and ensure we had the name of one of his colleagues in Seattle should anything go wrong. But it wouldn't, it _couldn't_.

Charlie had a great week; Edward had been right, once the Bi-pap and wheelchair had arrived things had leveled out somewhat. Charlie still went between the walker and the chair, finding his own balance between using the two. We were only waiting on the hospital bed, which wasn't scheduled to arrive until after the New Year.

Edward planned to come over first thing in the morning on Christmas Eve and would stay for a couple of hours. In addition to the cookies I planned to bake the night before, I decided to make a brunch for the three of us. It wouldn't be huge, but I planned on a French Toast Strata, Greek Frittata, and a fruit salad. When I called Edward to tell him to bring his appetite along, I could hear his smile through the phone. Even the sun shining couldn't have made it a better day.

Fortunately, I didn't have a lot to wrap and finished it up within forty minutes or so; my real work would take place in the kitchen. As my dad sat in his chair watching the classic cartoon version of _The Grinch Who Stole Christmas_, I set to work organizing ingredients and establishing a plan of attack for my baking. I was making Blondies, Mexican wedding cookies, Pizzelles, poppy seed thumbprint cookies, and cranberry hazelnut biscotti. In addition to that I had to let the strata set overnight and prep the ingredients for the frittata. I would make it happen. I flipped on the stereo and Paul McCartney was crooning "Wonderful Christmastime." I adored the song, and it was perfect to set my evening of culinary tasks into order. I started with the biscotti since it would be twice baked. The anise-scented dough was so fragrant my mouth began to water. After forming the biscotti loaf and putting it in the oven, I checked on my dad, finding that he was once again dozing in his familiar position. I returned to the kitchen and made my way through the blondies, Mexican wedding cookies, poppy seed thumbprints, and finally ended with the Pizelles. I pulled out one of my most prized possessions – my grandmother's pizzelle iron. It resembled a waffle iron, though it was hand held and smaller in size. Each cookie was individually made, baked over the open flame of my gas stove top. It took about an hour in total to complete the batch of three dozen.

The kitchen was drenched in scents of cinnamon, sugar, vanilla, nutmeg, and anise; it finally felt like Christmastime. While the cookies cooled on a random assortment of racks I had collected over the years, I whipped together the French toast strata and chopped the peppers, spinach, and onion for the frittata. My last task was crumbling the brick of feta; I felt gratified as the semi-firm block easily broke apart, its silken texture filtering through my fingers into the storage container.

While the cookies finished cooling, I cleaned the kitchen thoroughly and set the table for three, readying it for the following morning. I smoothed the forest green, silver trimmed table cloth over it before setting out lacy snowflake place mats. I set three simple red tea light candles in the center of the table and stood back to admire my work. I could hear Charlie snoring away in the other room, so I decided to package up the cookies. "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" played in the background as I divvied up the fruits of my labor.

I set an assorted one and a half dozen aside for myself and my dad and distributed the rest.

I easily filled a five pound tin for the station; a silver and gold rectangular tin that was striped on the sides and had a diamond pattern on the top. It was simple and masculine and filled to the brim with delectable sweets. I had decided to package Edward's cookies in a set of five angled nesting boxes. They were striped in vibrant reds, greens, white and silver, and stacked on top of each other beautifully. The thumbprints filled the anchor box, the biscotti sat inside the second largest box followed by the blondies, the Mexican wedding cookies, and finally the pizelles, my favorite. I'm sure he would panic at the sight of the packaging but once he saw what was inside, I was sure Edward would not be disappointed.

With my work done for the evening, I gently shook my dad awake and helped him down the hall and into bed.

I decided to draw myself a bath and soaked in the silky, ginger blossom scented water for about an hour before finally retreating into the warm haven of my bed. I prayed reverently as I slipped into sleep, my final thoughts giving way to dreams of angels.

I came awake naturally in the morning and it was a good thing; I hadn't set my alarm. I was not at all groggy and in fact felt more rested than I had in weeks. Mr. Sandman had been kind to me and, it appeared, to Charlie, who was still sleeping soundly in his bed. I glanced at the clock only after I had checked the monitor and was surprised to see it was only seven thirty in the morning. The wind whistled, the trees swayed in time, and their branches brushed against the siding of the house, the eerie scratching sound joining the strange symphony of notes making their way in from outside. As I pulled back my curtains further, I could see that it was drizzling so lightly the rain barely registered as mist in the air. I smiled at the serenity of the scene outside.

Before I could get lost in thought as I stared through the window, I turned and headed for the closet. I picked out a plum colored, gauzy sweater and a pair of dark, denim, low rise jeans. I retrieved a black tank from the drawer to wear under the sweater along with undergarments. Taking the armful of clothes with me, I made my way to the bathroom where I washed my face and proceeded to dress. My hair fell out of the elastic that had held it in a bun in slight waves and, since I was cooking, I pulled it back into a simple ponytail. I dabbed some CK One on each wrist and behind each ear; I only wore perfume on special occasions. After applying light make up and returning my PJ's to the bedroom, I quickly set to work in the kitchen, my home inside my home.

After the previous evening's baking extravaganza, the rest of the work for breakfast was a breeze. I chopped fruit like a madwoman, brewed the coffee, chilled the champagne for mimosas, and whipped the eggs for the frittata. I was prepped and ready before my dad stirred awake an hour later at eight thirty.

"Good morning," I said as entered his bedroom.

"My beautiful Bells, good morning. My growling stomach woke me up! It smells outrageously good out there."

"Good." He sounded so well I almost forgot that he wasn't. "Edward will be here in thirty minutes but if you can't wait to eat..." I trailed off.

"I can be a patient guy. I need to get dressed anyway. You look nice," he complimented, a level of speculation in his tone.

After helping him with his clothes I made my way back to the kitchen, while my

dad decided to use the wheelchair and positioned himself in front of the television.

I had just slid the strata in the oven and was heating the olive oil in the pan to sauté the vegetables for the frittata when Edward arrived right on time, naturally.

I did my best to casually walk to the door but inside I felt gleeful and giddy. He looked so irresistible I had to instantly remind my mind to stay out of the gutter. His navy sweater brought out flecks of blue in his brilliant green eyes, and the peek of skin revealed above his white undershirt looked soft and inviting.

"Am I at the right place?" he asked, probably to stop my gawking and referring back to the day we first met.

"I don't know but would you like to come in?" I played back.

"Well it smells like heaven in there, so I would be a fool to refuse."

My stomach growled and my heart lurched forward in my chest in complete unison. I had no idea what degree of crimson I was turning, but there was no denying the heat that had risen to my cheeks.

As he walked in he flung his free arm around me, in the other he held a bag. "Merry Christmas, Bella."

"You too, Edward. What's in the bag?" I asked, nosily trying to peek inside.

"Ah, ah," he started, wagging his finger at me. "Naughty little girls will never know," he outright flirted, his tone more playful than it had ever been.

"But I'm nice," I defended.

"We'll just see about that," he said, breaking into gentle laughter.

"Tease," I threw back, heading for the kitchen.

He padded behind me stopping once he had reached Charlie.

Brunch was ready within fifteen minutes and we all reunited around the breakfast table. I popped the bottle of champagne asking Edward, "Care to indulge?"

"Absolutely."

My dad ate an abundant amount of food; I couldn't believe it. Edward let little squeaks of contentment escape as he chewed his food, his eyebrows pinching together and his eyes closing as he appeared to _really_ enjoy each and every bite.

After he had finished the meal and wiped his lips with the napkin he sat back in the chair.

"I have no words," he said. "No words," he repeated.

"That terrible, huh?" I asked, getting up to clear the table.

"No way," he said, getting up. "After that you are absolutely not doing the dishes. Please, let me."

"It's no big deal."

"It is to me; I'm insisting. I will not take no for an answer."

While I reluctantly let Edward tend to the dishes, I helped Charlie to the bathroom.

"Do you think you can help me with something?" he asked me.

"You already know I'll do anything for you."

He glided over to his nightstand and opened the top drawer. There was a card with one edge tucked into a red envelope.

"I managed the card but couldn't get it back into the envelope. It's for Edward."

In that tiny moment I was immediately struck and one word to describe my dad came to mind: _cute._ Cute was certainly an anomaly in my vocabulary, at least when it came to him. My dad had always been a man's man, tough and of very few words. Of course, he was affectionate and playful with me as a child, but still there was no memory in my archive I would apply the word cute to.

I did as he asked and tucked the card into the envelope and took it with me to the living room as he disappeared behind the bathroom door.

When I reached the living room, I glanced through the window and noticed Edward's car was not parked in its normal spot. In fact, it was nowhere to be seen.

"Oh my gosh, Edward, I think your car's been stolen," I called out in a rush of panic.

I made quick steps towards the kitchen. When I arrived there moments later he was perfectly at ease, a casual laugh escaping through his lips.

"Thanks for your concern but my car is fine, just having some routine maintenance done. My mom actually dropped me off this morning."

"What? And you didn't invite her in? She must think I'm totally inhospitable."

"Hardly. She had things to do; you can meet her when she picks me up." He hiccuped over the last word, quickly moving his fist in front of his mouth.

"Edward Cullen are you drunk?"

"No. Just highly buzzed. But don't blame me; you were the one with the heavy hand." His tone was completely surly.

"Maybe you need the afternoon off-" I started, but he cut me off.

"Absolutely not. But I think I'll wait a while before I do my standard run through with Charlie."

"Good idea. I trust your judgment."

As he dried his ever-gorgeous hands, I felt my eyes moving of their own accord, tracing the outline of his backside. His shoulder blades jutted out just below his wonderfully broad shoulders, which tapered down to his slender waist. His butt was somewhat obscured, but it was quite clear that what lay underneath his pants was exquisitely crafted. Obviously he hadn't been the only one affected by the champagne...

An hour later we had both sobered up and Charlie had rejoined us in the living room. We were so comfortable around each other that the conversation flowed effortlessly. Edward regaled us with stories of his friends and his time in New York; a city I had always wanted to visit but which had so far evaded me. His college experience sounded like the one I had been looking for, a perfect balance between revelry and study in a setting that had a world of experience to offer. I disclosed a few things about myself that I hadn't quite felt comfortable discussing in detail until that moment. He knew I had been married, of course, but I had avoided directly referring to Emmett in conversation. But, the real shocker came from Charlie.

"There's something I want to tell you both," he started. "I've decided to officially hand over the reigns to Sam. As of the New Year I will be retired."

The room was suddenly frozen in the dense quiet. When neither of us voiced a reaction, Charlie spoke again. "It's pretty much everything but official. I'm good with it. Really." His resolve didn't waiver, and I knew in my heart of hearts that he had come to the decision after careful consideration.

"You've earned it, dad," I congratulated.

"Thanks, Bells. So, how about those gifts," he said, abruptly shifting the conversation.

"Alright. Obviously Edward should have his, and I think you could open one."

"You _think_?" he shot back with skepticism.

"How about both of you open mine first?" Edward interrupted, heading to the tree. I hadn't even noticed the things he had added.

He handed Charlie a large rectangular bag and me a small, gold square box with a card on top. My heart stopped. It was so dainty, so pretty, too large to hold a piece of jewelry but too small to fit a paperback. I immediately wanted to know the contents, but paused.

"Wait, let me get yours. That way we all have something to open."

"Remember Bells, gifts first, cards last," my dad reminded.

"What's that?" Edward asked.

"Well, you see, we have a tradition in the Swan household, we open the cards only after we have opened the gifts. It's something that my dad taught me. His opinion is that cards should hold sentiment we have a hard time expressing verbally and, therefore, the card in itself has the greatest worth and should be saved for last. Something to relish after the gift."

"Wow, that's brilliant," Edward said, looking at my dad.

I placed his impressive tower of boxes in front of him.

"What in the world," he said, his eyes bulging.

"Don't worry, just open," I commanded gently.

Charlie and I both looked on as we waited for Edward to open his gift. He untied the bow holding the boxes together and, with one pull, the ribbon fell to the floor. He lifted the lid off the first box and at the sight of the contents the look on his face was one of relief and joy.

"Homemade cookies? I believe I've just been spoiled."

"There's a different variety in every box. Those that you're looking at right now are called pizzelles."

"They're beautiful, like snowflakes."

I looked down. "Dad, you go ahead, open yours," I said, avoiding Edward's gaze. I could feel his eyes on me but I was too shy to meet them.

Charlie began pulling the tissue paper out of the bag, depositing it on the floor below. He pulled out a contraption that I couldn't quite make sense of.

"Let me show you," Edward said, getting up. "This is for your chair; a fishing pole holder." He took the device from my dad and began attaching it to the chair. "It fits on like this," he said, moving aside so I could see what he was doing. "And then this lever here clamps down on the pole."

Charlie let out an uproarious belt of laughter. "That's ingenious. What an amazing gift! Thank you, Edward. Thank you so much!"

"You're welcome."

"It's your turn, Bella," Edward said.

"Actually, I would like my dad to open one of mine as well, you'll understand why in a minute."

I retrieved his wrapped fishing rod from beside the tree and stood it next to him.

He struggled a bit with the wrapping paper, so I helped him a bit and he finally made it to the prize inside.

"Did you two plan this?" he asked.

"No," we said at the same time.

"Jinx," Edward said.

"Ha, ha. I don't drink coke."

"Neither do I," he said with a wink.

His smile warmed me; I wanted more. So much more.

"This is just awesome. You've done well, Bella. Now, open yours and then we can read our cards."

I took the golden box in my hand as I sat back down on the couch. I slid the accompanying elastic ribbon off of the box and removed the lid. Nestled inside were eight of the most gorgeous chocolates I had ever laid eyes on. They were dark, rounded mounds of shiny chocolate, topped with what looked like rock sugar. It caught the dim light of the room, sparkling above the smooth as satin surface of the chocolates.

"They're handmade, special ordered. Salted Caramel Truffles." Edward sounded timid but he had no reason to be concerned, salt and sweet were a perfect combination in my book.

"They look exquisite, would it be rude of me to try one right away?"

"Actually I think I would get some satisfaction out of seeing that." _Had the heat spiked in the room or was it just me?_

Charlie cleared his throat to remind us of his presence just as I took a chocolate out and brought it to my lips. It was absolutely decadent; the sweetness of the caramel meshing with the bittersweet dark chocolate and the hint of salt was as amazing as it had sounded.

"I have no words," I said, mimicking him as I finished swirling the truffle in my mouth.

Now Edward was the one looking down. _Why did we both have to be like school kids around each other?_

"Alright then. Time to open the cards," Charlie ordered. When the Chief of Police ordered you to do something, you listened.

I was excited to open Edward's card and curious at what Charlie had written to Edward. But cards were personal and I wouldn't ever expect Edward to read his out loud. We each opened our cards in silence. I pulled mine out of the envelope. It was beautiful. A black and white photograph of a solitary snow covered pine tree standing in an open meadow. A light weight paper slipped out as soon as I opened the card. It was a gift certificate for an in home massage from _Traveling Kneads_, a local practice. Putting it aside, I read the words inside the card.

_Bella,_

_I wish you a wonderful Christmas. I saw this card and immediately thought of you. You are like the tree in so many ways: strong, beautiful, solitary and bearing the weight of your circumstance with such dignity. It seems that those who know you at the core are few and chosen with great care. I have felt so honored to have the chance to get to know you too. I want you to know that you may be a solitary soul but you will never be alone. _

_With love,_

_Edward_

I read the words three times over. I wanted to lose myself in them, read between the lines, find some sort of indication that he felt the way I did. The confirmation I was seeking wasn't there, but his constant reassurance that I was not alone was a gift in and of itself. My concentration was broken by Edward's voice.

"Charlie, you have got to be kidding me."

"No, I'm completely serious. Look at my face." Charlie pointed to his lips which were set in a straight line before sticking out his tongue and crossing his eyes. We all broke out in a great chorus of laughter.

"This is really too much."

"Not really. I'm your employer and that's your Christmas bonus."

"You're far too generous."

"Kid, you've changed my life. You've made this miserable disease something to be thankful for. I know that sounds crazy, but everything happens for a reason. You deserve it. Now, not another word on that."

"Did you know about this?" he asked, turning to me.

"Um, no. I'm completely in the dark here."

Edward held a check up and I could read it from where I sat. It was written for five-hundred dollars. Charlie was right, he deserved it.

"Merry Christmas, Edward." It was the only suitable response.

Before I knew it, the afternoon had turned to evening and Edward was still around as night fell. He had gone through his normal round of checks with Charlie and sampled one of every cookie I had made.

The house had become a bit stuffy despite the winter season, so I opened up a couple of windows in the kitchen. When I peeked outside I couldn't help but notice how clear it was; I could actually see the stars.

"Dad, Edward, you have to come see this," I called out, heading for the front door.

I grabbed a throw off of the couch and wrapped it around my dad instinctively. "It's a starry night; I just thought we could go check it out."

They both nodded their head in agreement, Edward holding open the door for Charlie and me to pass through.

We all stopped at the bottom of the ramp, when I heard my dad sniffle next to me.

"Are you okay?" I asked, kneeling at his side.

He immediately sucked it up and answered me. "Yeah, I just had a thought of my mom. When your grandfather passed away she took me out on a night like this. She told me that if I ever wanted to talk to my dad all I had to do was look up at the sky and he would be watching. She told me that the stars were the light reflected from the spirits of those that had passed before us. I was a grown man, twenty, but I believed what she told me because she believed what she told me. The stars are magnificent, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are," Edward answered. I was glad for it because I was at a loss. My dad was showing a sentimental side I had not ever seen, and it pulled and tugged my heart in so many directions I had to fight to keep it together.

We stood out there for quite a long time and probably would have watched the stars all night, but Edward's mom arrived after a bit.

She pulled up along the curb and hopped out. She was radiant; shoulder length hair the color of butterscotch, bright green eyes, and a milk and honey complexion were just the start of her stunning good looks.

"Mom, so glad you're here."

"I'm so sorry I was late, I actually ended up in Seattle today, long story but all's well that ends well."

"I would like you to meet Charlie and Bella Swan. This is my mom, Esme."

"I've heard a world of wonderful things about both of you. I'm sorry we haven't had the opportunity to meet sooner; I have this habit of signing up for more things than I have time for." She shook Charlie's hand then mine. She was even more beautiful up close, and now that I had seen her I could spot the features Edward took from her, the eyes, the lips, the exquisite complexion.

"Well, I just knew you would be a catch after meeting the men in your life," Charlie complimented.

"Oh, stop. You're making me blush now," she demurred. "Bella, you're going to have to share some of your recipes with me. I'm afraid I don't cook as often as I would like to, but Edward here just raves about your cooking."

"Mom-" he started but she stopped him.

"You hush, it's not like she doesn't know," she said, elbowing him gently.

"Alright, I should go get my things," he diverted.

"Would you like to come in for some coffee, tea?" I asked.

"I would adore that but to be honest I'm completely exhausted, and I know Carlisle is waiting for us to get home. He's actually doing the cooking tonight, and I still have to pick up some sort of dessert on our way home."

"Actually, mom, I think, thanks to Bella here, I have that handled. Why don't we just be on our way."

We all retreated inside and Edward collected his things, handing his bag to Esme and saying goodbye.

"Thank you, Charlie. Not just for the gift but for all the wisdom you imparted tonight."

"You have a great Christmas, you hear. Please pass my best along to your father."

"I will," he answered before turning to me.

He opened his arms and I didn't hesitate wrapping my own around his waist. I could feel his intake of breath as he pressed his nose against the top of my head. I closed my eyes and snuggled into his chest. "Thanks for the chocolates, the massage, and especially the card," I said, hoping he could hear my muffled voice.

He positioned his warm lips against my ear sending a small chill up my spine. "I meant every word. Every. One." The way his soft breath tickled the outer part of my ear was exhilarating. I was sure if our parents weren't standing right there I might have pulled his face to mine, but it was not to be. Not that night but I hoped someday, maybe. That small exchange alone could fuel a thousand daydreams.

He pulled away and the air around me was immediately and noticeably cooler. I felt like I was fifteen not twenty-six but it had been such a long time since I had had a true crush on anyone. Maybe a crush aroused the same feelings in the soul and heart no matter what age you were.

"Goodnight Charlie, Bella," Esme said. "I'm so happy we've finally met. It's wonderful to have faces to go with the names. Have a blessed Christmas."

"I promise to put together some of my recipes for you, maybe we can even have dinner sometime?"

"That would be lovely," she answered.

"Merry Christmas."

They left and I heard the word "cookies" from Edward as he shut the front door behind him. The night had been one I would not soon forget.

Both exhausted, we maneuvered through the bedtime routine before nine o'clock that night and I was in my own bed by nine-forty. Sugar plum fairies were the furthest thing from my mind. I thought about stars and my grandmother and Charlie. I thought about Edward and the inevitable effects of crushes. I listened to the odd quiet of the windless night and inhaled the lingering scent of cinnamon that had permeated the house. I felt happier than I had in a long time. I feel asleep in the comfortable cocoon of my surroundings.

Christmas morning we had a light breakfast and took our time starting the day. We opened gifts; Charlie was thrilled that he would get to try out his new gear on the trip to Seattle and had to call Billy to tell him right away. Of course, Jacob had told Billy and they both excitedly discussed their surprise trip. I was touched by the gifts that I had received from Charlie; Edward had no doubt helped him carry it off. There was a book of poems by Pablo Neruda, _Twenty Love Poems and Songs of Despair; _it was a special edition with the poems in both Spanish and English_. _Then there was a generous gift certificate for Sur La Table in Seattle. The most touching gift was not purchased but handed down, it had been my grandmothers, passed down from her own grandmother to her mother, a ladies pocket watch. To possess something that had been in the family for generations stirred my very soul. I could almost feel the history through its weight in the palm of my hand. It was silver with ornate engravings and a mother of pearl face. A single, tiny diamond anchored the delicate hands to the opalescent surface. With Edward's help, Charlie had had it calibrated. As long as I continued to wind it daily, it would keep the time. It was the most adult gift I had ever been given and I would not neglect it.

Other than the moving, thoughtful gifts, the day was very uneventful. Since I was only making dinner for two, preparation was a breeze and I even had the kitchen entirely clean and in order before I put the Cornish hens in to roast. While the hens cooked and the potatoes boiled, the night took an exciting and unexpected turn. The phone rang and I saw on the Caller ID that it was Alice. I hurriedly picked it up.

"Merry Christmas, love!" I exclaimed through the receiver.

"Merry indeed! How's my favorite girl in the world?"

"Pretty freaking merry."

"Me too. I really want to catch up, B but I have something to tell you." Her voice was on the edge of squealing and I knew exactly what she was going to say, but I let her say it first.

"Jasper proposed!" The excitement in her voice was clear.

"And?" I asked, in need of the entire story.

"I said no."

"What?" I asked, impossibly in shock.

"I told him there was no way in the world I could accept before the two of you met. He knows confirmation is imminent."

"Alice Brandon you get your ass off of this phone and accept. This is ridiculous. I approve. Now go, be engaged. Say yes!"

"No. He understands, he gets it. I need you to meet him, it's important. I can't take the next step without that. It's decided."

"Well, if you're going to be insane and insist on going about it this way then when exactly can I expect a visit, hmm?"

"The soonest I can get away is February. Jazz and I are both extremely busy so the time will fly."

"That seems like ages from now..."

"I know, but it will be here before you know it. I know you think it's crazy but you love my brand of crazy."

"Yeah, I do. I love you. I can't wait to meet him, Alice. If you can get away sooner, let me know."

"I will, sweetie, promise. Can I holler a Happy Christmas at Charlie?"

"Yep. I'll give him the phone."

"Big love, Bella."

"You too. Here's Charlie."

I handed him the phone and he mostly listened.

I got dinner on the table as they talked, the call coming to a close just before we sat down. We discussed Alice's pending engagement over our simple, yet elegant Christmas dinner. It was everything I dreamed it would be. A comfortable evening filled with spirit and joy. My dad ate heartily again and at the end of the night we curled up in our established spots in the living room and watched _Meet Me in St. Louis_. I had always watched that as a little girl with my grandmother; although I had very little time with her that was one thing I would never forget about our short time together. After she passed, my dad continued the tradition with me. Although he would never admit it, I kind of thought he had a crush on Judy Garland.

Life felt good again. Whether it was the tradition and nostalgia the holidays brought with them or just the ability to live in and enjoy the moment, I didn't know. Things were just where I wanted them to be. Well, _almost._

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_**Did that give you warm fuzzies? Did it make you want to scream? I really have no clue what you're thinking unless you leave me a review!**

**xoxo**

**Jules  
**


	15. Chapter 15

**Here it is! The New Year's Eve Chapter - I do hope you enjoy! Thanks to everyone reading, making this a favorite and/or reviewing the story - it means so much!**

**Also, unending thanks to my beta, Saluki168 whose guiding hand always makes my story shine. MWAH!**

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The holidays were a complete blessing; I couldn't have planned them better. Charlie handled things amazingly well and relished every moment. It was the first time in months things hadn't centered around his disease driven needs.

Of course there was Alice's refusal to accept Jasper's proposal weighing on my mind. I couldn't help but feel wholly responsible for the delay, given that I told her she better bring him along during her next visit. For me to leave was a near impossibility and with her schedule making a visit unlikely prior to February, the poor boy had nothing to do but settle in and wait.

The situation with Alice aside, there was not a thing that could put a damper on my elation and anticipation over New Year's Eve. Living in Forks my entire life I knew that new friends were hard to come by. Most everyone left immediately after high school and very few returned. In my case, none of my friends had ever made it back. I almost forgot the joy that came with socializing. I could hardly wait to meet Edward's friends and, undoubtedly, spend more time with him. It would mark a momentous occasion; it would be the first time we had ever done anything that didn't involve him attending to Charlie.

Since Christmas Eve I had been seriously behaving as if I were back in high school; I read the card from Edward multiple times, clinging to every word. I imagined a hundred scenarios that would lead to that tell tale moment between us and had completely given over to my attraction towards him, at least within the sanctuary of my own mind. Whether my feelings would remain unrequited remained to be seen. Either way I had finally realized my friendship with him would be enough. _Who wouldn't want a friend like him?_

Edward visited once between Christmas and New Year's Eve to perform his normal routine with Charlie. I left the two of them on their own and went shopping for the appetizer makings. He said "a few" so I had decided on classic spinach dip, homemade jalapeno poppers with a cornmeal crust, chicken satay with peanut sauce and from scratch brownies.

The morning of New Year's Eve started like any other. It was cold and breezy outside, cloudy but not raining. The leaves that had not succumbed to the winter months quaked on the trees, some of them finally losing their grip and falling to the ground below.

I helped Charlie get ready before I did anything else. When he was spiffed up and looking handsome he planted himself in front of the tube, where he sipped on a protein shake I had made for him. He really wasn't into the Ensure so I came up with my own high-calorie concoction to satisfy his pallet. He had been eating well but sometimes it was too tiring. I was getting better at going with the flow and living moment to moment and the reduction in my stress was clear to both of us.

I set to work in the kitchen; other than the peanut sauce, no recipes were required, I knew them by heart. Cooking came so naturally to me and the more I did it, the more inventive I felt. It had gotten to the point where I almost enjoyed the preparing of the food over the eating of it. There was also the additional and upcoming perk of watching a certain someone eat what I had made.

I had everything loaded into Charlie's sedan, including him, by five o'clock. In the extremely _unlikely _event that I decided to spend the night, I brought an overnight bag. Paul and Josh would escort Charlie home from the Clearwater party, and Josh intended to stay the night with him whether I came home or not. I left him a plate of brownies on the counter to express my gratitude.

The humid air had given my hair body and wave so I wore it down. I dared to wear the lowest v-neck sweater I owned; it was black and even had a slight shimmer to it. Paired with a pair of skinny jeans and the boots Alice had bought me in Seattle I felt unstoppable. I wasn't thinking I looked hot, per say, but I was feeling it.

On our way to the Clearwater home I noticed Charlie grinning at me; his smile reaching almost ear to ear.

"What?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing."

"Seriously, what's that look for?"

"I just noticed that you look especially fetching tonight. Looking to fetch something?" he teased.

"Don't go there," I said sternly.

"C'mon. I'm just glad you're getting out tonight. I want you to have fun. Like dancing on the ceiling, _almost _tossing your cookies, burning your bra fun."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Um, okay. But, just in case you haven't noticed burning bras went out of style like forty years ago and Lionel Richie wasn't that far behind."

"You get what I'm saying. Just act your age, okay? For me?"

"Are you implying that I don't?"

"Sometimes. You've earned the right to rebel a bit."

I laughed. "I guess getting married at nineteen and dropping out of college doesn't qualify?" I asked sarcastically.

"I think you deserve much, much more."

"Thanks, dad."

With that we pulled up to Harry and Sue's house. After Charlie was securely at the top of their three porch steps and pleasantries had been exchanged, I hopped back in the car and headed for the Cullens. I rolled the window down to wave my goodbye and Charlie mustered the strength to yell, "Remember my advice!"

His voice faded into the background quickly as I pulled away from the house and down the road. It was probably the only time in the course of history a father, especially the Chief of Police, would be pleased if his daughter came home with a hangover and without a bra.

I followed Edward's directions closely and by driving at a snail's pace had managed not to miss the partially hidden turn as I wound through a heavily wooded area on a semi-paved road. _They must like their privacy,_ I thought as I followed the undiscovered road.

I pulled up to the house exactly 2.7 miles down the road, just as Edward said I would, not that I could have possibly missed it. The home was expansive and modern, yet it was comprised of organic looking components. Slate colored rock columns sturdily framed three majestic decks that fanned out from the central structure, each at their own level and contrasting angles. The decks were adorned with polished amber-stained wood and were so rich in color I thought my eyes might be playing tricks on me.

Edward appeared suddenly at the top of the front steps and in a casually quick pace made his way toward my car. He was practically at my door as I opened it.

"I'm so glad you found it alright, the directions were good?"

"Yes, perfect. I doubt I could've missed this place if I tried. It's...just sensational."

"Sensational, huh? I'll have to pass that along to my mom, she'll be flattered. She had a hand in designing it. It's vaguely modeled after Frank Lloyd Wright's Falling Water House. By the way, I'm really happy you're here to see it." He tried to be casual but I noticed his eyes trail down my body and then quickly back up.

"You look beautiful tonight," he offered.

He looked pretty scrumptious himself in a dark gray button down shirt, the sleeves rolled up to the elbows and hanging un-tucked over a pair of dark jeans.

"You're looking good yourself," I complimented back, my nerves barely veiled by my thin voice. "Are your friends here?"

"Yep, they got here last night. Can I help you with your things and show you inside?"

"Yeah, I think we can get it in one trip." I handed him three bags out of the trunk and he managed them easily, leaving me to carry two. Ever the gentleman, he waited patiently as I gathered my essentials and before we ascended the slate steps to the front door.

As I walked in I admired the open floor plan of what looked like the living room as well as a piano sitting at a level staggered a half floor above.

"Do you play?"

"Yes, here and there and I've actually been teaching myself guitar." He looked down shyly.

"Where do your talents end?"

"Guess you're going to have to try and find out." I felt like there was an immediate rise in the temperature of the room. We were feeding off each other's energy the moment he met me at the car. I almost forgot about the fact that his friends were lurking somewhere in the vicinity.

"Let's put this stuff in the kitchen. I held the guys off; they're waiting in my studio."

"Studio?" I questioned, following him up the short flight of steps and taking a left, which landed us in the kitchen.

"My room is actually detached from the main house; I'll show you it last."

He gave me the grand tour of the main house, which had three bedrooms, three bathrooms and a study. Walking through it was like taking a trip through an issue of National Geographic. The living area was decorated with African masks and an assortment of instruments, including drums. One of the guest rooms was adorned with Thai silk tapestries and bamboo lighting fixtures, like a bungalow. The main guest bathroom had a beach theme and on the walls hung framed vintage Hawaii postcards with pin-up mermaids, hula dancers and surfers. The kitchen with its modern lines and granite counter tops had back lit cabinets had a Japanese flair. The whole entire place was like a museum, but I felt oddly at home.

Edward was upbeat yet not hurried, taking his time showing me around, saving his room for the finale.

"Would you like something to drink before you meet them?"

"No, I think you've held them off long enough. I'm excited, let's go."

He opened a frosted glass door next to the kitchen and it led immediately to the most adorable footbridge. There was a trickling stream running beneath the bridge. On the opposite side we climbed five rock steps to his studio.

"This is like something out of a fairytale."

"When the house was being built, my mom had this added on in the hope that it would compel me here eventually."

"Guess it worked." He smiled at me and nodded, devastating me with his good natured charm in the process.

He rapped on the door lightly before opening it and ushering me in.

"Hey!" I was immediately greeted by the awaiting duo.

"Bella, this is Trent, "he introduced, gesturing to his dark haired friend.

"And this is Jesse," he said in reference to the sandy-haired, taller of the two.

"It's good to meet you."

"And you," said Jesse, immediately taking my hand, turning it and placing a kiss on top. His legendary moves were already in play. He had hazel eyes, a large, toothy grin and a goatee. He was good looking in a shaggy sort of way.

Trent approached me calmly and offered his hand. He had dark, wavy hair, a prominent jaw and a larger than average nose that was a bit crooked. His blue eyes were startling and his slightly off features were what made him so appealing.

"Time for drinks," Jesse declared. "What's your wish my lady?"

"Um, well, vodka soda with lime."

"Grey Goose okay?" _Silly question._

"Yeah. Whatever you have open is fine."

Edward's little studio was a direct reflection of him, very Zen. One entire wall was lined with a floor to ceiling bookshelf stuffed to the absolute brim with an impressive collection of books. A comfortable looking, dark brown, leather chair sat to the right of a futon, which I imagined converted into his bed at night. A healthy palm tree fanned out from the left-hand corner of the room. There was also a row of five different types of succulents lining the window sill. The window itself spanned the entire length of the wall opposite the bookshelf. He had his own bathroom and black and white photographs of different scenes; one in particular struck me - it was the same photo on the card he had given me for Christmas. It couldn't have been a coincidence, not a chance. It made me wonder if he thought of me when he looked at the picture that hung on his wall.

Jesse handed me the drink and I took a sip, immediately recoiling as the fumes assaulted my nose.

"Whoa, trying to put me out here?"

He looked at me imploringly, casually bringing his hand to his head and flipping his hair. "Well maybe then I'd get to give you mouth to mouth," he waggled his eyebrows suggestively. _Ew._

Trent came to my defense. "Christ Jesse, give the girl some room." He turned to me. "Here, Bella, let me see that." He extended his hand and I handed over the heavy-handed drink.

Edward, who was standing behind me, leaned over my shoulder, pulling my hair away from my ear. He whispered, "Told you." The butterflies started at my toes and fluttered their way up to my head at a break neck pace, causing my scalp to tingle. My heart began to beat erratically in my chest. _Good God help me, how am I going to survive the night? _It had been so long that I had been in the game and the undivided attention of three guys already had me reeling.

"I think I should get on with the food before I finish this," I said, taking the altered concoction Trent offered.

"Sure, let's go," Edward said spurning things along.

The four of us were back in the less confining space of the kitchen within the span of a minute.

As the boys sipped their own drinks they watched as I pulled things out of the bag and set them on the counter.

The kitchen was so incredible I could have packed up my things, moved in and lived happily ever after, baking the days away and showering in the sink.

"Guys, why don't we give Bella a little time to get this together. She doesn't need an audience," Edward said to my great relief. "If you need anything, just ask. We'll be in the study, tooling around with the instruments."

"Edward," I stopped him as they were leaving.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks." He flashed another smile and disappeared around the corner.

Within fifteen minutes, the spinach dip was in the bread bowl, the poppers were in the oven and the peanut sauce was simmering at a low temperature on the stove. I would broil the chicken when the poppers came out. I sipped on my drink, cleaning up the slight mess I had made during my preparations. To my surprise, the door bell rang. It echoed through the airy house.

"Bella, can you grab that?" Edward called. "We're sort of in the middle of something here."

I thought it was kind of weird that he wanted me to answer his door. He hadn't told me he was expecting anyone else, and it seemed too late for a UPS delivery.

I skipped down the steps and to the front door. When I opened it I was blown away by who was standing on the other side.

"Surprise!" Alice stood in front of me, yet I couldn't believe she was really there. She wasn't alone either. I immediately knew Jasper from his picture, but I was in such a state of shock my brain wasn't making sense of it at all.

"Why don't you come in," Edward spoke from behind me. I was frozen in a state of disbelief; I hadn't even noticed he had joined me.

Alice threw her arms around me. "Are you happy or what?"

"I'm thrilled; shocked, but thrilled. How in the world did this happen?"

"First things first. Bella, this is Jasper. Jasper this is Bella."

"I'm much obliged and very happy to meet you," Jasper said in a slow southern drawl.

"Don't you just love the way he says 'obliged?'" Alice interjected.

I took his hand. "I'm so grateful you made the trip. Now, tell me how in the world you ended up here!"

"It was this one," Alice answered, thumbing in Edward's direction. "He got my number from Charlie and told me of his master plan to get us together and voila, here we are!"

I turned to Edward, flinching out of gratefulness and amazement. I kind of lost myself looking at him while introductions were made all around us.

I was overwhelmed; excited to have my best friend with me and blown away by Edward's gesture. I didn't know if he was aware of the magnitude of his actions, but I planned to thank him profusely when I could get him alone.

The party moved from the entry way into the kitchen. Soon the appetizers I made joined the chips and salsa Edward had put out. Drinks were mixed and everyone began easing up around each other.

Jasper was most definitely a southern gentleman. He was also completely gorgeous. The smile he wore was that of a person that held a secret, though I was sure that wasn't the case. He had beautiful, blonde, curly locks that framed his face and his blue eyes, God; they just pierced right through me. He and Alice made quite a handsome couple and the best part about it was that she was completely herself in his company, the very person I knew and loved to pieces. I learned that Jasper was not just a struggling musician without a plan. He actually had earned two Bachelors; one in music composition and a second in business. He had intentions to return to school to get his Masters and, eventually, a doctorate. As the boys drifted into the opposite corner, discussing music and instruments of all sorts, Alice had my ear exclusively.

"Well, what do you think?"

"Honestly I think you're a _lunatic_ for not accepting immediately."

"I plan to remedy that situation before night's end; I assure you. Isn't he amazing?" Her eyes drifted off in a day-dreamy way.

"Yes, he is. From what I can tell, he's everything I'd hoped for you and more."

"Perfect. He knows my real answer, by the way. You get why I had to wait to make it official, don't you? It wouldn't have felt right accepting before the two of you met. It's only fair that he meet the only other person I share my heart with."

"Oh, Alice..." I trailed off, tears threatening. She wrapped her arms around me and promptly moved on.

"Now, what's up with-" She nodded her head in Edward's direction and spoke quietly.

"I'm afraid that's not so clear. I'll tell you what I know; I'm crushing _hard. _But I don't know what to make of it."

We debated back and forth as women do, trying to decipher the signs, his actions, his intentions. Unfortunately, not even Alice could provide clarity. Edward's true feelings towards me were anyone's guess.

Soon the party moved into the living area where everyone engaged in lively, intoxicated conversation. Alice had perched herself comfortably in Jasper's lap; you could feel the love radiating between them and overflowing into the room.

Alice, in her less than subtle way, got the conversation flowing with a bang.

"So, Trent, Jesse, tell us about Edward; you know, the man behind the scrubs."

"Let's not," Edward said immediately.

Before Alice could open her mouth to rally, Jesse started spilling. "Let's see, well...I'm sure you know he graduated at the top of our class."

"No. We didn't know that," I responded, evidence of my three drinks in my speech. I saw Edward blushing out of the corner of my eye as Jesse continued.

"I mean if _I _were to be evaluated on my bedside manner, I'm sure I would rank higher. But, this guy over here is quite special. He just has a way with people."

I silently agreed.

Trent, seemingly less inhibited himself, moved to speak next. "I've got something I'm sure you don't know. And, you're going to be shocked." His eyes circled the room and you could almost hear a faint drum roll in the background as he built the suspense. "Edward has never had a girlfriend. In all his twenty-seven years he's managed to maintain his "Lothario Only" status."

"What?" Alice screamed, practically jumping off of Jasper's lap. "That's crazy! How is that even possible? Wait, are you a virgin?"

I almost could have slapped her. _What made her think that was at all an appropriate question? And didn't she know what the definition of "Lothario" was?_

Trent and Jesse erupted into laughter while Edward looked ten shades of red and completely mortified.

"We're not discussing this any further, but the answer to your question is no." With that response, he got up and headed in the direction of the kitchen.

Jesse mouthed an "oops" to the rest of us. Instead of digging for more, I got up myself. I decided it would be a good time to change the subject by giving Edward my thanks for his gesture.

I found him in the kitchen with his shoulders set in a tense hold, pouring himself a shot of _Patron._

"Hey," I said simply, rounding the corner of the island so we were standing on the same side. "Can I have one of those?"

"Sure," he said, obtaining another shot glass from the cabinet. "Just promise you aren't going to put me on the spot here." Stress was evident in his voice and I had never seen him quite so agitated. This was a side of Edward I hadn't experienced. Perhaps he was taken aback by his cards being shown before he was ready to show them. I didn't know and I wouldn't dare ask him.

"I'm not in here to attack you with questions. I came in here to thank you for what you did, inviting Alice and Jasper here. Even though you're probably wishing she wasn't a guest in your house at the moment, I'm really indebted to you."

He instantly relaxed and his lips even moved into a small smile. "I wanted you to come either way, I hope you know."

"That's...flattering."

Our eyes locked and I felt the electrons firing between the two of us. I was the one to break the moment.

"So do you have a lime?"

"Nope. How about I teach you how to take a tequila shot properly?"

"What, a lime isn't proper?" I said in feigned disbelief.

"It's hardly a step above body shots when it comes to tequila."

I couldn't help but notice a tingle between my thighs as he said the word "body." _I was toast._

"Okaaaay." I drew out the word.

"Once I show you the trick, you'll never need a lime again. Ready?"

"Yes." I assumed the expression of a serious student.

"Alright. First, take a deep inhale through your nose and then breathe out through your mouth."

Taking the shot in hand, I did as he instructed.

"Okay, now, take another deep breath through the nose, drink, and after it's down, exhale."

We raised our shot glasses and clinked them together. I took the breath through my nose, downed the shot and then exhaled through my mouth. I was amazed. The only warmth was in my chest, there wasn't even a hint of bitter aftertaste or any stinging in the back of my throat. It went down smooth as silk.

"Wow."

"See, what did I tell you?"

"Nice trick. I suppose you learned it from some locals while spelunking caves where some rare form of agave grew?" My tone was playful and I hoped he didn't take offense to my sarcasm.

He laughed easily at my embellished idea. "Actually, I learned it when I went tequila tasting on spring break. When I ordered something other than Cuervo, the bartender suggested I go on a tasting. It sounded like a much more interesting option than sucking down slushy tequila drinks in twenty different _colors."_

"You went on spring break?"

"We went for Jesse during our third year. Overall it was a pretty horrible experience, one I wouldn't want to repeat. Wasted girls on the verge of barfing and gyrating against equally drunk men is not my idea of a good time. Even Jesse was disappointed."

"At least you found out first hand. I have nothing like that to look back on. I wasted my youth on a premature marriage."

"Wasted your youth? Come on, Bella, you're twenty-six. That's hardly old."

"It's just hard. When I think about how much I could've accomplished in that time, I can't help but feel like I've let myself down." I heard laughter from the other room. "Everyone else in this house has done so much that I haven't even begun to consider." Alice's voice rose above the rest and then there was more laughter. My train of thought shifted slightly. "Alice." I shook my head. "She's always the center of everyone's attention."

Edward took a step into me, it was slow, measured, but he had closed the gap considerably. When I brought my eyes up from the spot I was staring at on the floor, I found that he was staring at me. I could hear his breathing pick up as he held my gaze. "She's not the center of _mine_." His voice dropped an octave or two. In my peripheral I noticed his right hand start to raise to my face and-

"Hey, Edward. I've come to apologize."

As soon as Trent's voice cracked through the electrified silence between us, Edward's hand pulled his hand away from my face and it balled up into a fist before it fell flat at his side. He took a step back in half the time it had taken him to take that cautionary step towards me.

Perhaps aware of his untimely arrival, Trent put his hand to his stress-crinkled forehead. "Just as I was saying, sorry man."

"It's alright. I don't know why it got me so wound up." Edward was looking Trent directly in the eye but he did momentarily break contact to flash me a sideways glance. I hoped what he was saying with his look was, _to be continued, _but I honestly didn't know. "Join us?" Edward said, lifting the nearly-full bottle of Patron and tilting the bottom in Trent's direction.

"Let's go," he responded, clapping his hands together once before joining us on the opposite side of the smooth island. Edward poured three tall shots and we all raised our glasses, breaking the tension of the moment before. As I downed another ice cold shot with my newly acquired tequila drinking skills, I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened had Trent waited just a few minutes longer.

I would never know.

Despite that, the rest of the night was entirely awesome. There were no more inappropriate subjects broached or uncomfortable intrusions. We all really just hung out, getting to know each other. Jesse was definitely intelligent about a wide range of subjects; he just needed to reel it in when it came to women. Unlike Edward, he was an E.R. nurse, which suited him completely. Thankfully for me, his forward innuendos actually decreased in number as he consumed alcohol. Trent held a Bachelor's degree in Political Science and was working his way into the world of journalism. He had very fascinating insight on multiple current affairs and a definite way with words. Together the three of them balanced each other out. I could tell they missed having Edward close by; they were quite the trifecta.

With midnight looming, I noticed Alice and Jasper escape out on the deck off the living room.

Before the clock struck twelve, they reappeared. Alice practically skipped over to me. "Bella, I'm engaged!" She did a little run in place type of action before almost bowling me over with her hug.

"Congratulations, to both of you," I said, extracting myself from her hold and giving Jasper a huge hug as well. "You be the best to her."

"You have my word." His voice was all _Southern Comfort _and molasses, completely swoon worthy. I felt overjoyed for Alice and could only imagine she would begin planning in a matter of hours, if she hadn't already begun.

"Congratulations you two and...Happy New Year everyone," Edward proclaimed.

There were hugs and squeals all around. Jasper took Alice in his arms and kissed her deeply, obviously ignoring the audience.

After warm hugs from both Trent and Jesse, I turned my attention to Edward and we embraced. My heart beat frantically in my chest but it wasn't the only one I could feel. Beating in its own time, his heartbeat resonated from the inside out. Neither of us seemed anxious to break away.

"I don't know what I'd do without you," I said in a whisper.

As he moved his head down, our cheeks brushed together, barely touching. "Don't think about it, being without me. Happy new year." As his voiced ceased and his warm breath filled my ear, I felt his soft lips press firmly against it as his grip on me noticeably tightened. The world was immediately spinning around me. I wanted desperately to be alone with him, away from the prying eyes and ears of the company I had been thoroughly enjoying.

"Edward?" It was all I could muster in the oblivion of the moment.

"I promise we'll talk." His voice had quieted even further. "Just be patient a little while longer. Can you do that?" His hushed tone was nearly pleading.

_Was he asking me to wait for him? _

Not willing to risk anything, I gave him the only answer I could. "Yes."

With one last intake of breath, he released me. I never wanted something back so instantaneously. Oh man, I had it. _Bad._

The party kicked up another notch after that. Music was turned up, dancing -if you could call it that- commenced, more drinks were poured and for one night we unwound, celebrated and bonded. Jasper had offered himself as designated driver and sipped on water for the remainder of our time. When it was three o'clock in the morning, Jasper declared that it was time to get going and we said our goodbyes. I stole another hug from Edward, forcing myself to turn away before I was ready. Aside from the one uncomfortable blip in the evening, it had been the best New Year's Eve party I had ever been to. There was an intimacy to it that I appreciated, but enough converging personalities that it wasn't boring in the least.

It was a good thing none of us could see the future, especially me. What I didn't know, what I _couldn't_ have known, was that Charlie's life had already begun to be measured in months.

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**Thoughts? Curses? Praise? I'm here if you wish to vent or even if you just want to leave a review! **


	16. Chapter 16

**Again, thanks to my beta, Saluki168 & all my readers/reviewers/favorite-ers you all rock my world. Things can't be good forever...**

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Chapter 16

The chill of January brought along frost covered mornings and an unsettling quiet. Charlie and I were essentially hibernating, tucked inside the insulated comfort of our home. The hospital bed arrived mid-month and Edward had resumed his normal schedule along with his professional performance. Though I longed for him to clarify what was transpiring between us, I was justifiably distracted by changes that had begun to emerge with my dad.

The arrival of the bed was welcomed; Charlie was better accommodated by it and his upright position looked much more comfortable. He had begun favoring his wheelchair over the walker; the walker was reserved for trips to the bathroom and in and out of the car, if he managed to come out of the house. But the changes that startled me, the ones that disquieted my mind, were not of a physical nature.

It started shortly after Charlie made his retirement official. The day was a bittersweet celebration for everyone involved. Sam, Paul and Joshua all cared for Charlie deeply and looked up to him with an infinite amount of respect. Although Sam was a capable and worthy successor, you could see his reluctance to take anything away from Charlie. Charlie was somber, yet looked relieved at the small ceremony. He gave a short, succinct speech, acknowledging his faith in Sam and both deputies. He literally handed over the reigns in the form of the Chief Cruiser keys along with the master keys for the station. They had a parting gift for Charlie as well. It may have seemed cheesy under normal circumstances but in the situation we were in, it was heartily touching. It was a beautiful plaque; his name was embossed in gold lettering and his title and years of service were printed directly underneath. Above his name was the phrase "Chief of Our Hearts." Though my dad was a fairly stoic person before he was diagnosed, you could see that he was greatly impacted by the gesture. When we arrived home, I saw more evidence of the sentimental side that I had first seen on Christmas Eve. He talked about his mother and recounted his days as a rookie officer. It was almost as if he was giving me a run down, an oral history of his life up until now. The changes continued in the days that followed.

He developed a deep interest in flight of all kinds. It began one evening as we watched a documentary on bald eagles. His eyes lit up like sparklers as he watched it with a passionate interest. I, on the other hand, struggled to keep my heavy lids from drooping. He talked about the "majestic" bald eagles for three days straight following that program. He probably would have continued on that way if it weren't for another show that piqued his interest, one about travel to space. He started to pontificate about how the study of his disease, specifically the effect of zero gravity on someone in his condition, would be worthwhile. His brain exploded with ideas surrounding it; Charlie had even begun to seriously entertain the idea of applying for the space program with NASA. Soon, with his _Netflix_ subscription, he was watching everything and anything to do with flight. His behavior was bordering on obsessive, but seeing his unwavering devotion to learning more was enough for me. There wasn't any reason in the world to deny him something that brought him obvious joy.

When I had time to think about it, it all made perfect sense. Charlie was unwittingly sacrificing everything he loved to the ALS. First he had to give up active duty, driving followed shortly behind. Then there was his physical mobility, his modesty and finally, his career. With his physical faculties dwindling, it was crystal clear why he was impassioned by flight; it would be the ultimate escape from his sentence to confinement in his own body.

In what I figured was a response to his saturation on the subject, he began to frequently dream of flying. He found the dreams liberating in a way I couldn't understand. To him they were more than just dreams. But, there were also nightmares. They ranged from outright bizarre – he was the unmovable man in a circus side show- to positively frightening – his body started slowly turning to cement, starting from the ground up. Charlie opened up to Billy about his nightmares. Billy sent a specially blessed dream catcher shortly thereafter. Charlie demanded that I hang it above his bed immediately.

The intangible changes in him were slowly breaking down my hope, one painful strand at a time. Whenever he spoke to me, his voice sounded wistful, like that of a man resigned to his fate, though he never sounded defeated – he was just some place I couldn't touch.

I did my best to keep his spirit uplifted by referring to his upcoming trip with Billy and it did the trick, most of the time.

Two weeks before the trip, during one of Edward's visits, he joined me in the kitchen. He leaned down casually, holding himself up as he rested his elbows on the counter next to me.

"How has eating been for Charlie?" Concern tainted his velvety tone.

I wanted to believe the lie that I hadn't noticed a change in Charlie, but it was undeniable.

"He's eating less, but I just figured it was because he's been sleeping a lot more. He has bouts of severe fatigue lately."

"How's he doing with the protein shakes?"

"The last couple of days he refused. I think he's getting bored eating the same thing day after day."

"What about water?"

"He's pretty resistant, why?"

"He's slightly dehydrated," Edward said.

"Oh gosh. It's my fault. I need to take better care of him-" I cried, but he cut me off.

"Bella, calm down, okay? I said _slight_. You haven't done anything wrong, and at this point he's just more susceptible to things like this. Your dad is much better off in your care than any others. Trust me."

He had more confidence in me than I did.

"What do we do?" I looked up imploringly, hoping he had an answer for me.

"It's simple, he needs to eat more. If he loses any more weight it's going to be a task for him to put it back on, one I don't know his body is up to. When's his next appointment?"

"Next week."

"Then we have a week to make sure he at least maintains his weight."

"I'll find some new smoothie options."

"The more calories, the better."

It was strange; the only thing I could think about was Charlie's upcoming fishing trip. It was so important that he make it. I didn't know what it would do to him if he wasn't able to go.

"Do you think he'll be well enough to make his trip? It's only two and a half weeks away."

"Let's just take this one day at a time and see what's up at the appointment. Okay?"

"Sounds like my only option."

I felt sad. I wanted Charlie to go on that trip more than anything. For some reason it was like a lifeline for both of us. I couldn't bear the thought of it being taken away from him.

"I want to be forthcoming with you, even if it's difficult to say these things it's important that you know them."

He stood up from the counter and came over to me, putting his hands on my shoulders and rubbing down my arms with a firm, reassuring pressure.

"I appreciate it; I do. I just don't know how to maintain my sanity in the midst of it all. I don't know how to let him go." I'm sure my eyes portrayed my pleading, my desperation.

"You don't have to think about it yet, I promise. But, you've got to find your way. Enjoy right now, but remember you're not going with him." I barely had the will to acknowledge his statement with a nod of my head.

Edward had just added himself to the growing army of people encouraging me to think about the future, the _unimaginable_ future that didn't include Charlie. My soul felt sick, and I wanted nothing more than to curl myself into Edward's arms, but at the same time I was frustrated. While the advice made sense and somewhere in the annals of my brain I was filing the information away, I couldn't quite bring myself to even think about life without my dad. His slow decline was becoming increasingly clear, but still I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he wouldn't always be there. At the moment it really didn't matter - I didn't have the fight to defend my position.

"Bella, there's something I want you to know." His hands squeezed the back of my arms as he pulled me a little bit closer.

"Yes," I said in a breath.

"I like you; I...feel things for you." My heart thrummed in my chest as I held my breath; he had a vice grip on my heart. "I… just… I need you to know that Charlie's care in the coming months will likely be critical and it needs to be my priority above all else. Do you understand what I'm saying?" My heart went from sixty to zero in the turn of second. There was nothing more important to me than my dad. I didn't want to concede my feelings for Edward but there was no other way.

"I think I know what you mean. And I want _you_ to know that I'm moved by your commitment to my dad. I really meant it when I told you I don't know what I would do without you."

I wished we were back in his kitchen, a shot of Patron in hand and that we were laughing at Edward's memories of spring break. Unfortunately, I was stuck in the thick of reality and New Year's Eve was but a distant recollection.

"But, you know that he's not the only one I care about, right? You know you mean something to me too..." His voice fell quiet at the last word. His imploring tone tugged at the center of my chest.

"I know. Just, give me a hug, okay? I could use one right now."

He pulled me to his chest in one swift motion. I luxuriated in the way his arms encircled me; I was firmly in his hold, his forearms wrapped around my back and his lithe fingers clinging gently on either side of my waist. I was craving the physical contact, not necessarily with him, but in general. I let myself drown in his warmth and his wonderful, indescribable scent, wishing we had met under different circumstances. We stood there for a while, silently reassuring each other of something, though I wasn't quite sure what that something was. It didn't matter. He was going to help me through in whatever capacity he could and I would do the same for him. Life was strangely beautiful in that moment, though it could not be denied that despair was lurking somewhere close by.

I did my best to encourage my dad to eat in the week leading up to the all important doctor appointment. I tried to make healthy yet high calorie foods that were soft and easy to eat. I fed him Jerk seasoned salmon with sautéed spinach and chicken tortilla soup. I made him peanut butter oatmeal cookies and protein-pumped fruit smoothies with flax. I attempted to encourage him to drink water, but he struggled a bit more with that. I picked up a couple of books at the library about nutrition, devouring them both in less than forty-eight hours. As far as I was concerned, anything to give Charlie the upper hand in the battle for his life was worth the investment. My heart and head were thoroughly engaged in the campaign for his longevity.

The night before the appointment, Sam stopped by on a whim. Charlie's eyes were alight as Sam asked for his advice on various duty related issues. Sam was completely tuned in and patient as Charlie answered him in his slow drawl. I owed so much to "the guys." Their continued involvement with my dad uplifted and helped him to feel relevant; that was something they could provide for him that I wasn't in the position to. I was utterly in their debt.

When the day of his appointment finally arrived I was so anxious that I couldn't eat. My stomach churned uncomfortably on the drive to Dr. Cullen's office. As we pulled into the parking lot, I tried to calm down. We had to take the truck in order to bring the wheelchair. I pulled the makeshift wooden ramp out of the back before guiding the wheelchair down it. Next, I grabbed the walker and placed it in front of Charlie's open door. He could just reach it with his hands, and I braced him as he slid out of the seat. He used the walker for support as he maneuvered himself to the awaiting chair. I put the walker back in the truck and pulled it around to park it while Charlie waited on the curb. I ambled along side him as we entered the building, doing my best to not let my anxiety physically manifest itself. Dr. Cullen was at the receptionist's desk when we finally walked into the office.

"Charlie, Bella, why don't you come on back. Trudy will take your vitals then I can proceed with the examination. How are you both doing?"

"Great, I'm here," Charlie answered.

"And we're all better for it. And you?" he asked, looking at me as he awaited an answer.

"I'm hanging in there," I answered honestly.

"Keep it up." He gave me a sly smile and I had to wonder what it meant. Over the last couple of visits I had felt like he had been trying to convey something to me with obscure signals. I felt like he knew something I didn't and of course that led to wandering thoughts about my less than clear connection with Edward. I tried to push my thoughts of him to the back of my head but it almost seemed like they multiplied any time I tried resisting. I stopped resisting and started focusing on the situation at hand. After ushering us into the room, Dr. Cullen left as I helped Charlie with his shirt. Trudy came in toting a scale, which she placed on the floor below Charlie. She weighed him, listened to his heart, checked his blood pressure and took his pulse. Dr. Cullen reappeared as soon as she disappeared and proceeded with his examination. He had Charlie follow a light with his eyes and listened to his breathing for what seemed like several minutes. He tested Charlie's strength by extending his hands and having him squeeze them as hard as he could. When he was finished, he left the room one more time, asking us to join him in his office when we were ready.

With the wheelchair our trip down the hall took half the time it had previously. Soon we were seated in our familiar position across from Carlisle.

"How about we start off with some good news," he started.

"I didn't know there was such a thing in this room," Charlie said sarcastically.

"It can be a rarity, I know. So, the good news is as of today, your lungs are working at the same capacity as they were over a month and a half ago. There's no further sign of decline as far as your respiratory function."

"That's amazing!" I practically screamed. "That means the Bi-pap is helping, right?"

"It's certainly doing its job and I am glad for it." He chuckled through the statement, obviously in reaction to my over exuberant response.

Charlie, on the other hand, was all business. "So, I can breathe. Why don't you tell me what's on the other end of the news?"

"As we discussed during your last visit, your weight has become a cause for concern. Let me go over the numbers with you." He shuffled through some papers on his desk and pulled out the page. "Since your last visit you've lost eight pounds. However, it appears that you have gained a pound and a half since Edward recorded your weight last week."

_A pound and a half? What about all of that food?_

"Are you sure the figure is correct?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yes, quite." He set the paper down and sat back in his chair, steepling his fingers.

"I think I would like to move forward with gastrostomy. The procedure is endoscopic so you'll only have to be in recovery for a couple of hours before you go home. We could schedule it for next week?"

Charlie slumped in his seat.

"Actually," I interjected. "Next week my dad has out of town plans."

"Ahh...yes, how could I forget? Edward mentioned that to me last week. Let's schedule the procedure for the following week then."

"So does that mean I'm fishing?" Charlie asked.

"That means you are most definitely fishing," Dr. Cullen answered.

"Bella, keep up with whatever you have been doing as far as meals are concerned."

"I will." My dad was going on his trip, and I was on a mission to fatten him up before he left.

"And you make sure you eat what she puts in front of you, alright?"

"Yes, sir." Charlie gave a weak salute.

Dr. Cullen stood up and walked around his desk. "Here's the number for an associate in the Seattle area. I've briefed him on your case, Charlie. I highly doubt you'll need it but it's best to have it either way." I took the card from him as he shook my dad's hand.

He turned to me. "Young lady, thank you so much for those Christmas cookies. I practically had to yank them away, but eventually my son relented his hold on the box." I blushed immediately.

"You're welcome. Have a good afternoon."

"Make an appointment with Erin at the front desk for next month. I'll set up the surgical consult for the gastrostomy and be in touch."

I nodded at him as I turned to leave the office, Charlie leading the way.

I was ecstatic that he would be able to go on his trip. But I was confounded by his lack of weight gain. I was anxious, in a good way, to tell Edward the news.

As we were leaving the office, I was struck with an idea I couldn't wait to follow through with.

The following week couldn't arrive soon enough.

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**Thoughts? Pretty please with a little Nurseward on top?**


	17. Chapter 17

**Thanks to my lovely beta Saluki168 - her story, Lost & Found is an Indie winner and seriously under read. Check. It. Out.**

**Here's some fun! Charlie gets to go fishing...what will Bella do while he's away?**

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Chapter 17

I hadn't given any thought to what I would do while Charlie went fishing. Then, when I was at the doctor appointment it hit me. I started thinking about what anyone else my age would do if a few hours without responsibility and of course the answer was simple; they would hang out with friends or do something they enjoyed. Edward was really the only person I could call a friend in the immediate area, so I decided I would invite him for dinner. I thought his soothing effect on me would help temper my separation anxiety and paired with the therapeutic element of cooking, it seemed like an ideal combination.

I didn't want to have him over to force my feelings on him, nor would it be a ploy to get him to open up to me. I just wanted to spend time with him and outwardly show my appreciation for his presence by cooking him dinner. He had gone to great lengths to pull off the New Year's Eve surprise and his ongoing and excellent care of my dad was ever present on my mind. And, I couldn't lie, I wanted to spend time with Edward alone, without the prying eyes of my father or his friends.

I knew that being a private duty nurse left him free to have a friendship with me and he wasn't putting himself at risk by doing so. Still, I could only assume his reluctance towards me was in part due to the type of involvement he had with my father. He had admitted that he felt things for me, but in some ways the declaration had only served to confuse me further, which was why I made a promise to myself to keep things platonic if he ended up accepting my invitation.

After we arrived home from the appointment, I dialed his number the moment Charlie had disappeared behind his bedroom door.

Edward picked up on the second ring.

"Bella, hi," he said, and I detected a welcomed hint of surprise in his tone.

"Hi, sorry to bother you on your day off," I replied apologetically. The last thing I wanted was to be a nuisance by interrupting his personal time.

"You aren't bothering me." He sounded amused.

"I just wanted to be the one to tell you that my dad gets to go on his trip."

"That's awesome. With everything he's going through, he deserves it."

I bit my bottom lip nervously. _Why was I nervous?_

"Actually, there's something else I wanted to ask you..." I trailed off, waiting for an invitation to continue.

"Yes?" his question echoed through the phone.

"If you're free, I would love to have you for dinner next Saturday." I felt like I needed a pacemaker to control my ever erratic heart.

"I'm free and I'd like to, yes."

"Really?"

"Really. I told you I couldn't turn down offers of food from you."

"I heard you were reluctant to share the Christmas cookies."

He laughed out loud.

"Let's just say they were...habit forming. I could hardly just hand them over."

"They were meant to be shared; do you have any idea how much butter went into the making of those cookies?"

"Don't tell me!" he declared. "It's a little late for eater's remorse."

"Anything special you'd like to request for dinner?" I asked him.

"Everything you make is special, Bella. Just...surprise me."

"Alright. You don't have to tell me twice. I'm really glad you're coming."

"I am too. You know I don't know many people around here, so it's nice to have an invite somewhere."

"You never need an invite. I like your company."

There was a pregnant pause on the other end. I was curious about what he was thinking.

"I'll be over tomorrow, see you then?" he asked, clearly wrapping things up.

"I'll be here. Have a good night."

"You too. Bye."

"Bye," I answered back, ending the call on my end.

The night before Charlie's departure I was like a mother preparing to send her kid to camp. Actually, it had been a week of preparation. I had aided my dad in gaining an additional pound. I felt better about sending him off since he was in a slightly more robust state. I talked with Jake for about half an hour, instructing him in detail about Charlie's care. Not only did I make him repeat every word back to me, I sent him an email for extra insurance. I was confident he thought I was overprotective and crazy but I could care less.

The bags were packed and ready to go before I turned in for the night. Sleep found me quickly as a result of my saturating exhaustion.

Billy met us at the bus station the following morning; Harry Clearwater had dropped him off. I cringed at the sight of the exhaust stained coach, calming myself down by remembering it was only a three hour journey. The morning was cool and partially cloudy, but rain wasn't in the forecast for a couple more days. I thought the sun might even make a prolonged appearance by the look of things. The smell of watered down coffee and just-pressed newspaper were evident in the air, but Charlie and Billy were too busy with their familiar banter to notice the intricacies of their surroundings. They argued playfully back and forth, both claiming they would have the catch of the trip. I couldn't help but laugh to myself and derive joy from the fact that they were going on the mini adventure together. However, I had to fight tears as they were being helped onto the bus and couldn't resist the urge to run to my dad and give him one last hug.

"I love you."

"I love you, Bells. Don't worry, okay? I'll be just fine."

If I opened my mouth to respond, I would have lost it, so I just nodded in the affirmative instead.

I waited until the bus was pulling out before turning around and heading to my parked truck. Charlie was on his way and I was suddenly wrought with emotion over our physical separation.

Two hours later, after stopping for groceries, I was busy scouring the house. By the time Jake called to let me know everyone had arrived safely, I was just finishing my cleaning rampage. He reassured me that he would return my dad in better shape than he had arrived in and that everyone would have a fantastic time.

Afterward, my mind at temporary peace, it was easy to slip into a gratuitously long shower. After the shower I stood in my closet, clad in my damp towel, perusing my options.

Normally I didn't care about my appearance, but I found myself wanting to select the ideal combination of casual yet enticing, friends now, hopefully more later. After several misfires, I finally decided on a cobalt blue fitted scoop neck tee and a soft cotton, black, A-line skirt. I tied my hair half way back, which caused the shorter strands to escape the hold of the elastic.

I couldn't have timed things any better. By the time I was dressed and ready, I had an hour left before Edward was due to show up; it was just enough time to get dinner ready. Instead of going gourmet, I opted for something a little more home style; chicken breasts stuffed with honey-ham, green chilies and Vermont Sharp Cabot, rolled in panko bread crumbs and baked after a quick brush of melted butter. On the side I would serve a green salad with green beans, olives, cannelinis, parmesan and lime-olive oil dressing and roasted potatoes seasoned with sea salt, pepper and cumin. I would end with a fun dessert of s'mores, intending to use the self-contained fire pit in the back yard.

When Edward's knock sounded at the door, I literally lost a shoe as I sprinted to answer it.

_This is not a date_, I thought, opening the front door. Still, it kind of, sort of felt like one.

I couldn't hide my smile as he stood there looking like next week's GQ cover, even though he was dressed in jeans and a dark gray hoodie. His eyes lasered to mine as a quiet "Hi" passed through my lips.

"Hi. Am I on time?" he asked as he wrapped me in his increasingly familiar hold. With my head at his neck, I couldn't help but drown in the scent that was uniquely him; it escaped description but had a heady effect on me.

As if he could reciprocate my silent thoughts he said, "You smell good." Heart palpitations ensued.

"You smell good too." I wasn't lying, of course, but I hated that I had only regurgitated his words. "I hope you're hungry," I said, pulling away as he shut the open door and followed me inside. I already missed the heat of his body against mine.

"I starved myself all day in preparation for mass consumption," he joked. His vocabulary was kind of a turn on.

"Good thing because I cooked for four," I answered back. He continued to follow me as I entered the kitchen "Can I get you something to drink? I have some amber ale, Pinot Noir and an assortment of the hard stuff."

"Beer sounds good. Maybe wine with dinner..."

I cracked open two bottles, handing him one.

"Cold beer on a cold day; refreshing if you ask me," he said after a long pull.

"What about when it's hot?"

"Yeah, guess it's good in any kind of weather," he replied, shrugging his shoulders.

"So, dinner is ready. Why don't you go ahead and sit."

He took a seat as I arranged the plates. The salad was already on the table and I had already opened the bottle of Pinot to let it breathe.

I left the plates on the warm stove top as we started the salads.

"Great salad," he complimented. "I love the crisp green beans."

Even though it wasn't the first time he had complimented my culinary skills, I still felt heat rise up my neck.

When the salad was mostly eaten, I grabbed the warmed dinner plates and set one down in front of him, sitting down with my own.

"You're a genius in the kitchen."

"Thank you," I responded, filling his wine glass.

"My mom meant it when she said she would like some recipes. Whenever you find the time of course."

"Definitely! She was so sweet. You're so lucky to have a mom like her."

"She's an incredible human being, so I can recognize another when I see one." He looked at me with conviction. The heat rose to my cheeks. I was unnerved by my involuntary reactions in his presence.

"And by the way, you can start with the recipes for this entire meal. I could eat this every night. The potatoes are killer."

I giggled nervously as he chewed, raising an eyebrow at me suggestively.

We carried on with easy conversation for the rest of the meal. I liked the lightness and the casual atmosphere between us and my nerves started to recede.

Edward raved about the meal after almost every bite, and then he requested seconds. I told him only if he saved room for s'mores. I had actually managed to make homemade marshmallow and I wanted him to try it. He insisted that he could handle it.

After he helped with the dishes, which were done in less than ten minutes, we went out into the back yard. I had already set up the pit and only needed to light it. The wind was present as a gentle breeze, but it did not serve as an obstacle and soon the fire was raging as much as it could in its small container. I ran back inside to grab a hoodie to combat the slight chill in the air before rejoining Edward in the back.

We sat on the back porch in the comfortable loungers, the stars making intermittent appearances as the clouds drifted in the night sky. Edward looked casually attractive in his hooded, dark gray sweatshirt. His unruly hair was a sexy mess and his eyes twinkled, even under the cover of night. The fire flickered in front of us, licking the air with its yellow-orange brilliance.

I tried not to focus on such things in order to remain platonic as I had promised myself. _Why did I make that promise again?_

"I might just fall asleep right here," he said.

"Food coma?"

"Yeah, you could say that. You're a temptress you know. Luring men with your kitchen skills."

I couldn't stifle another stupid little giggle and the lingering smile that followed.

"You have such a beautiful smile." His head was half-cocked in my direction, but his eyes were clearly staring directly at me.

I swallowed hard. "You need to stop saying stuff like that."

"Why?" he asked in an innocent tone. The tone was only a facade; something had brought out the devil in him.

I played with the drawstring of my hoodie. "Because it makes it difficult to be..._patient._"

I swallowed again. And, damn it, my heart was on a rampage in my chest. I didn't know how many times I would be able to withstand these charged moments between us.

"Alright, fair enough. How about you tell me what's on your mind these days."

_Um, you._

Instead of responding impulsively, I thought about how I wanted to answer him.

"Obviously I think about my dad a lot. I'm always running through different scenarios in my head. I wonder if I'm doing everything I can or if I'm doing just enough."

"You're doing _everything_; I've seen it firsthand," he assured me.

"Sometimes I think I should be praying more. But, somehow, I don't feel like I have the right to pray at all. I don't go to church, never have, so I think it's unfair for me to be asking God for things just because I suddenly find myself in a desperate situation."

"Bella, you don't have to be a church going person to have a conversation with God. Nor do you have to subscribe to a religion to pray."

"I guess I just wonder if it's a little too late."

"I'm pretty sure it's never too late."

"Are you religious?"

"My parents are very liberal thinkers and they believed in exposing me to spirituality on many different levels. I can tell you that I have felt the presence of God in many different ways." Somehow we had both shifted in the lounge chairs and were mirroring each other, laying on our sides and facing one another.

"Will you tell me about some of them?"

Edward sat up but remained facing my direction. "When I was in Indonesia following the tsunami, I was moved by the people. Many of them were Buddhist and I witnessed their devout nature firsthand. On a particularly difficult day, the day it was decided that the recovery efforts were going to be suspended, I was with about a group of twenty locals, a few other volunteers and my parents. Without words they all knelt down near the shore, and we followed suit. Some of them rocked back and forth, others chanted quietly. In that moment I felt such an overwhelming feeling of peace envelop us. It uplifted my soul that in the midst of an absolutely abysmal situation, they were coming together. Here were these people who were left with literally nothing and they were pausing to join together and show appreciation for what was left. I felt God that day and peace, tangible, touchable peace."

Tears had formed in my eyes. He spoke with such reverence and awe, and I was completely captured by the way he recounted his experience.

"Do you want me to continue?"

I nodded.

"I also had a stirring experience in Italy. It was completely different but absolutely in the same league. When I graduated, my parents surprised me, as well as Trent and Jesse, with tickets to Italy. They wanted us to take off and have an adventure before we settled into our careers. Anyway, my mom made me promise that I would visit St. Marks in Venice. She never told me why, but she asked that I do that one thing for her. Due to a string of unpredictable events, we ended up in Venice with only a day to spare until we had to leave for home. Trent and Jesse were not into waiting in line for the cathedral so I told them to go on and set up a meeting time for later in the day. I waited for over an hour before I was inside and an afternoon mass was just starting. I don't know why but I felt compelled to take a seat. As the mass was conducted in Latin, I had some time to absorb the amazing mosaics and high arches of the cathedral. The entire story of the Bible was represented in the mosaics, which was incredible in and of itself. I completely lost myself in the beauty and could literally feel the weight of the eleven hundred year history in my bones. I was only pulled out of my state of awe when the most beautiful acapella voice broke through. A student choir I hadn't noticed had begun singing _Con te partirò _also known as, _Time to Say Goodbye. _Their voices carried and echoed throughout the entire cathedral for at least eleven seconds after they had sung them. I had chills and was impacted to the point of tears. I don't know why, I'll never understand, but I felt God that day too."

The way he relayed the story had moved me as well. I hungered for an experience like that, especially one that would involve traveling the world.

"I wish I had something like that to share with you, but I don't. It sounds like you have had some amazing adventures. Of course, it's easy to see that you're well deserving."

"You are too," he said convincingly. "Just remember, if you want to pray, _pray._ If you remain within your integrity and your intentions are good, I believe that prayer can hold a lot of power."

"I believe that too. I'll take what you have said with me, always." I paused momentarily. "Can I ask you something personal?"

"Sure, I'm an open book right now."

"What do you believe?"

He sighed thoughtfully before he spoke. "I believe in treating others with love and respect and remembering that we are all essentially the same. I believe in spirituality and having faith but don't think you need religion for either. I support those who find what they are looking for in a church based community but I have a desire to learn the ways of all different faiths. When it comes right down to it, most every religious person I've crossed paths with believe in the same thing, the information just manifests in different ways."

"I like that perspective. It sounds so worldly."

He laughed.

"Why are you laughing?" I asked as the fire cracked and popped in the background.

"You put me on this pedestal I don't deserve to be put on. I just answered your question."

I took in a measured breath. "I doubt I have anything half as interesting to talk about, but is there anything you want to ask me?"

"There's something I've been curious about but I don't kno-"

I interrupted him. "Go ahead. Open book. Right here." I figured it was only right to return his honesty.

He let out a sigh, as if to say 'I want to know but I don't want to know.'

"I was curious about your marriage. I'm sure it's a long story, but I was just wondering what it was like for you."

After years of time to reflect, I had it figured out. I knew all the why's behind my relationship with Emmett. I had only ever discussed the subject with Alice but I wanted Edward to know too. Still, I would be revealing a part of myself that wasn't the easiest to divulge.

"It's alright, Bella. You don't have to talk about it."

I ignored his offer to backtrack and instead started in. "It's a long story, but I'll try to give you the condensed version. When I was just a baby, my mom left. And she didn't just leave me, she left _because _of me. She rejected the thought of me and motherhood and deserted my dad as a result. Charlie was amazing and I never felt like there was a lack of love, but he couldn't fill the absence of a mother in my life; it's like only knowing half of yourself." I looked over to see he was listening intently before continuing.

"So, for a long time I was seeking something to fulfill this other half I didn't know and the void she created by simply not being there. I lived my entire childhood and adolescence with the fear of rejection pulling at the back of my mind. It was because of her, my mo- the woman who gave me life, that I had issues bonding with or getting close to anyone." The loud crack of a branch submitting to the flames startled me. I noticed Edward jumped as well.

"I could see how that would be difficult for you. Please, continue."

"Then, I met Emmett. He was an easy read, his heart and its intentions always on display. With him there wasn't doubt or fear, he made his feelings known and I got wrapped up in the comfort he offered. He didn't worship me but he cared for me. He was protective, adoring and a total crack up. We dated for three years and it seemed like a pretty natural progression when he asked me to marry him." As I remembered our first days, I became a little yearnful for a redo, wondering what exactly my younger self had been thinking getting married at such a young age.

"That all makes a lot of sense. So was it hard when the relationship came to an end?"

"It was hard to end it, but I knew I would live in misery if I didn't. We were just too young. I didn't have a romanticized view of marriage but he did. And, I barely knew myself when I got married. I'm still learning about myself and I'm behind because of that mistake. I've realized though, you can't fill an empty space with a substitute. Instead I find it easier to concentrate my efforts on the things and people that make me happy. The void might always be there, but it's possible to minimize its presence by smothering it with the good."

"See, you can teach me things too. You don't give yourself enough credit." If I could purr, I would have.

"You flatter me."

"You're not responsible you know. And she's the one who's missed out." I didn't have to ask who he was referring to.

I felt choked. I had heard those words from my dad and Alice, even Emmett, but coming from Edward it just seeped in and hit me on a deeper level. Maybe it was due to the fact that I had never let anyone in besides those that I had known for many years. Just sharing that part of my life experience with Edward brought us closer.

"Thanks for saying that."

"I'm not just saying it. I mean it. I feel lucky to have met you and to have this opportunity to get to know you. Your complexity is intriguing and what makes you so attractive as a person."

I laughed out of embarrassment. "You're doing that thing again."

"What thing?"

"Making patience nearly impossible."

It was so weird. In a way it was like the feelings between us were right there on the table, but they were still translucent, intangible, there but not seen.

"Patience can be a painful test of will, trust me, I know. Maybe we sh-"

I held up my hand. "No, I'm having such a good time. Let's just go with the patient thing. Think you can manage some s'mores now?"

"Yeah, sounds perfect. Can I help?"

"Maybe you can just put some more wood on the fire? I'll grab the makings from inside."

He moved towards the fire as I grabbed the chocolate, graham crackers and homemade marshmallows from the kitchen. It was so much better for s'mores as I had cut it into little rectangular shapes.

Soon we each had a stick and were toasting the marshmallows over the open flames.

"How do you like your marshmallow?" I asked.

"Nearly burnt on the outside, gooey on the inside."

"Isn't it the best?"

"Yes, it is." He smiled out of the corner of his mouth. He looked startlingly gorgeous in the combined light of the fire and the moon, which had appeared from behind the clouds.

When the marshmallows had reached the ideal point of doneness, we both retreated to the loungers and assembled our dessert.

"I love this idea," he said biting down. With a mouth full of marshmallow he said, "I can't believe you made homemade marshmallow."

"It was really pretty easy. Trust," I replied, taking my own first bite. The chocolate, marshmallow and cinnamon grahams were a decadent, satisfying swirl in my mouth.

Edward had finished his by the time I went for a second bite. As he leaned forward and into the light, I noticed a smear of chocolate on the side of his mouth.

"Hey, you have a little chocolate in the corner," I motioned, finishing my own with a lick of my finger.

"Thanks for telling me," he said, wiping but missing the entire bit.

"It's still there."

"Guess I'm a sloppy eater." He didn't get it on the second pass either.

"No, melted chocolate has a mind of its own. Here." I reached toward him, wiping the chocolate away with my thumb. Impulsively, I put my chocolate laden thumb in my mouth, sucking off the sweetness.

I had just realized the suggestion in my action when Edward said, "Now who's making patience difficult?"

_Damn._

"Sorry about that," I said, though deep down, I really wasn't.

He let go of a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I know I probably owe you more of an explanation for everything, but, sometimes it's better to just let things lie."

It had been a wonderful night full of conversation and warmth and I really didn't want to taint it by requesting more of an explanation. I was satisfied just being in his company.

"I don't understand it but I get it. How's that for clarity?"

A welcomed laugh broke the uneasy electricity. I don't know why, but my gut screamed at me to hang on and keep things light. As much as I wanted my lips to be where my thumb had been just moments earlier, I knew that I had to go with my instinct.

"Come here," he said, grabbing the armrest of the chair suddenly and pulling it towards his own. I laughed out loud at his swift motion and then we had barely any barriers in between us.

He looked up at the sky. "The clouds are nearly transparent tonight. The stars are beautiful. Let's just kick back for a little while longer, if you don't mind."

"Not at all," I said, lost in the dreaminess of the moment.

I was caught off guard when I felt his hand on the top of my own. With his resting on top, he laced his fingers through mine.

I was reeling over the physical contact and amazed that such a small touch could feel so ginormous. My heart beat so hard I could hear the echo of my pulse in my ears. It only increased as his thumb began to gently stroke the side of my own. Even if I wanted to speak, I couldn't have. Some moments are meant to be shared in silence. I soaked up every second as the minutes passed at the speed of light.

Without dropping my hand, after at least a half an hour, Edward said, "It's getting late. I should probably get going."

"I wish you lived next door," I replied, sitting up.

"Yeah, but then you'd probably be sick of me already."

"Not possible," I said, shaking my head. Our hands fell apart as we stood from where we sat and walked back inside. I followed him to the door where he offered himself up for another hug. I squeezed him as tightly as I could and I could feel him playing with strands of my hair as he hugged me back.

"Thank you for such an amazing Saturday night."

"Right back at you," I eked out.

A moment later, after a lingering last look, he was gone.

I was left alone with a giddy disposition and the night to dream. Not too shabby.

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**I apologize for the late posting of the updates - I'm busy, busy, busy! Please tell me what you think! MWAH.**


	18. Chapter 18

**Saluki168 = Awesome, Amazing, Absolutely wonderful beta - her stuff is tight. Read it.**

**Bella's getting restless...how will that impact things? And, how was Charlie's fishing trip?**

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Chapter 18

It was the first time in months I hadn't set the alarm. I came awake naturally and smiled as I stretched, remembering the previous evening. The wind whistled loudly outside as I lingered in bed, alone with my thoughts.

Edward Cullen was some sort of dream. I wanted so desperately to get in his head and know exactly what he was thinking, especially when it came to us.

_Was there an "us?"_

I wanted to run away with the notion that there was. I knew, for my part, things had crossed beyond the threshold of a simple crush; I had real, true, verifiable feelings for him and I wanted a solid indication that he felt the same.

I replayed moments we spent together in my head; the night he got me to admit my fears, his Thanksgiving disclosure about his childhood loss, the Christmas card, the almost kiss on New Year's Eve and the hand holding, star gazing romance of the night before. It was all so very innocent and sweet but so impacting. I wanted to know everything about him and was especially curious about his lack of relationship history, though I was hardly about to ask him. I started wondering about the "why" behind it. Edward was gorgeous, there was no denying that, so attracting women probably posed no obstacle. He was also genuinely kind and easy going, with a subtle yet wicked sense of humor. My ill informed conclusion was that he wasn't aggressive and therefore let the opportunity for relationships slip through his fingers. I started to think that maybe he had a hard time taking that initial step, and maybe, just maybe, he needed a more aggressive woman to take the upper hand.

I had never been the pursuer; Emmett had actively made his intentions towards me known from moment one, and the handful of dates I went on following our divorce were not due to any prowess on my part. Still, I knew that I didn't want to let Edward slip through my fingers; I wanted us to have a chance. My mind was a whirl of thoughts and ideas, and the more I let them simmer, the more I realized that I was ready to take things to the next level with Edward. We were in our mid twenties and I saw no reason to continue acting like timid eighth graders feeling out the world of dating for the first time. I decided that at the next indication of his feelings for me, I would make the first move.

Resolved to follow through, I peeled myself out of the warm covers and headed to the shower. I had a few hours until I had to pick Charlie up at the station and I was going to make good use of them.

Before I stepped in, my phone buzzed on my nightstand. It was a text from Jacob.

_Bella, all went fantastic. Just put those ridiculous old buzzards on the bus. They're all yours in three hours. Later, Jake._

I was relieved as I stepped into the steamy shower. I took advantage of my surplus of free time, allowing the hot water to work its magic, though my normally present tension had subsided. I hadn't had too many mornings like that, especially in recent memory.

Three hours later, having managed to get ready and straighten up the house, I was waiting anxiously at the bus station for Charlie and Billy to arrive. The bus finally pulled in twenty minutes late, a black cloud of smog trailing behind it. _That can't be good for the environment. _The wind was whipping furiously, and the storm seemed to be making an early arrival. I spotted my dad in the second window sporting a smile that could illuminate a concert hall. He looked better than when he had left; Jake had kept his promise.

I met the bus at the curb. The doors opened, the compressed air making a familiar whooshing sound. After the rest of the passengers had unloaded, the driver assisted with the ramp and the most precious cargo aboard; my dad. Oh, and Billy too.

They were immediately talking over each other, trying to relay their entire experience in the span of one breath.

"Stop you two! One at a time, then I might understand." _Ugh. I totally sounded like a mother._

"Best... fishing trip. Ever." My dad continued to beam. He looked great, but I did notice that his speech was just eh.

"Everything went great, Bella," Billy chimed in. "We both caught fish, Charlie caught three, actually."

"Niceee," I replied, smacking my dad on his arm with the back of my hand.

"You look relaxed," Charlie said as we headed back to the truck. I wondered if my glow was as evident as his.

"Slept in," I answered back.

Twenty minutes later we were all squished comfortably into my truck, both wheelchairs loaded in, and headed towards La Push to drop off Billy.

"So...Bells, I was thinking about having a get together to celebrate my new piercing on Wednesday night."

"Your new _piercing_?" I choked the words out.

"That's what he's calling it," Billy confirmed, chuckling.

"Don't you think you might be too tired to have a gathering after a surgical procedure?"

"Nah. These days I'm always tired. I want a party." He looked at me with a mischievous grin; so boyish.

"Hey, if it's a party you want, it's a party you'll get." I shook my head, wondering why on the earth he would want to celebrate having a feeding tube inserted with a dinner party but indulge him I would.

"I'll invite the guys on the rez," Billy offered.

"And of course you'll invite Edward," Charlie added.

"Well, he comes on Wednesday anyway; I think an invitation would be redundant," I said, pulling into Billy's gravel driveway. "Besides, it's your party, maybe you should invite him." Talking about Edward with my dad didn't interest me. I didn't want to give him any kind of indication there was something to talk about.

"Thanks again, Bella. See you on Wednesday," Billy said before he rolled himself up his ramp, his bag in his lap, and disappeared behind his front door.

I jumped back into the truck and headed home.

As I drove the familiar route, I couldn't help but look down at First Beach as we passed it.

"Whoa there, eyes on the road," Charlie alerted. I hadn't noticed, but I was dangerously close to veering over the line. He sounded more like the police chief that had been most of his life, rather than a concerned dad.

"Sorry, sorry. I was just checking out the beach."

"Is that were you go on your afternoons out?"

"Sometimes. I really love it there. I just feel...clear headed when I'm by the ocean."

We talked the entire way home. His speech was definitely not at its best, but his spirit was soaring and he was very present. Our day apart had seemed like a month and I was really glad to have him back where I could take in his smile and watch him breathe, seeing that rise in his chest eased me in a way nothing else could.

He was tired but hungry, so I heated some clam chowder I had picked up at the deli the day before. He ate voraciously, devouring the entire bowl in under fifteen minutes. That might have been long for a normal person, but in his condition, sometimes a meal took over an hour to finish. My heart sunk a little at the thought of how normal had become something completely different from what it had been three months earlier. It was a lingering reminder that he wasn't well.

_Now, Bella. Focus on now._ They were Alice's words and Edward's too. I sucked it up before I followed my dad to his bedroom and proceeded to get him ready for bed. An hour later he was in his pajamas and resting comfortably.

I flipped on the tube and set the remote control at his side. I was walking out of the room when he stopped me.

"Will you sit down for a while? I missed you last night."

"Of course I will." I pulled the armchair close to his bed.

"I know I'm not always good about saying certain things," he started talking, unexpected words coming out of his mouth. "I just need you to know that you are my greatest accomplishment."

"Daaaad," I started to caution him, but he raised his hand to stop me.

"I need to say this, Bella. Please, let me."

I sucked in a deep breath and motioned for him to continue.

"I know it sounds like something any parent would say about their child, but you need to know I mean it. Being your father has been such a happy trip and nothing short of the best thing to ever happen to me. I'm going to be here for a while yet, but that doesn't mean I'll be able to say this for much longer. Follow your dreams, no matter what they are. And, don't stop loving and giving with that incredible heart of yours. When I'm gone, you must go on in every way you can."

My heart was lodged in my throat, and I felt like the air had been suctioned out of the room. It was goodbye. At least it was the beginning of goodbye. Our goodbye.

"I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything, just sit here with me."

And so I did. I sat there as he flipped between news, documentaries and finally a forensics show. I stayed there for three hours, just keeping him company. For some reason, even though he didn't say it, he was comforted my very near presence. And in return, I was comforted by his.

My sleep was inconsistent that night. At times I was thrashing, my blankets an annoying tangle of obstacles to a restful night's sleep, but then there were a few hours where I slept as soundly as a just fed newborn. Unpredictable, just like my life.

Charlie's procedure was at nine o'clock in the morning on Wednesday and was smoothly executed. Edward had actually joined me at the clinic to keep me company and help me afterward with Charlie. I was always grateful for his assistance and that day was no exception. He didn't even hesitate for a second when he reached out and took my hand in between both of his as I tapped my foot anxiously on the floor.

"He'll be fine. This is about as risky as getting stitches or having a tooth pulled."

"I know, but I still can't help but be nervous. Thanks for coming."

"I should be here. He'll be groggy after recovery and you'll need help."

"Still, thanks."

He nodded assuredly at me.

Charlie was in recovery a short forty minutes later. He was definitely loopy even though he had only had local anesthetic and a small dose of Valium. After the mandatory two hour stay, the nurse explained the after and ongoing care of his insertion site. He would be able to start with his "feedings" the following day. It was a little weird to see the tube that extended out of his belly, but otherwise it wasn't at all gory or too shocking.

In his less than steady state, it was much easier to get Charlie into Edward's car. The irony of the wheelchair was that when Charlie was in it, he was much more mobile but when we needed to go somewhere the wheelchair was an obstacle. We couldn't fit the chair in Charlie's sedan, and Charlie had a hard time getting up into the truck. With the wheelchair in my pick up and my dad in Edward's car, we headed home.

After we arrived home, Edward helped my dad into bed so that he could nap, and I started my preparations for dinner. I was making pulled pork, which had been slow roasting since morning along with coleslaw, my own spicy version of it anyway, and fruit salad. Edward would stay for dinner but couldn't commit to a long evening afterward, as he had an early morning appointment to get his driver's license renewed and lunch plans with his mom. I would take whatever time I could get with him.

Three hours later, Charlie was back to his normal color and felt rested. As I warmed the rolls and chilled the beer, Edward assisted with my dad.

Sam and Emily, Billy, Paul and Josh arrived just moments before Harry and Sue. It was a full house and everyone was laughing and carrying on, despite the strange occasion. When my dad pulled up his shirt for the big reveal, I had to leave the room. I just couldn't laugh about it the way they did, but I didn't want to affect everyone else with my less than cheerful attitude. I walked over to the book case in the living room and glanced over the pictures from over the years, taking in the memories one by one. _Me on my first ten speed, Charlie standing behind me, having just let go of the seat._ Billy had taken that one. _My dad's induction as Chief of Police._ I hadn't been there but loved the pride that shone through that photo. _My senior portrait._ God, my highlights were horrible. I was just about to examine a picture of my grandmother when someone grabbed me from behind, locking their arms around my waist. I knew without turning my head it was Edward.

_Sign. Sign. Sign._

But not the right moment. I had a house full of guests and a wacky father to attend to.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," he said before pulling away.

As I turned around, he plopped down casually on the couch.. That had not been a casual hug. Not at all.

"I was just getting lost in the memories. I couldn't watch that; isn't it kind of weird he wanted to have a party for it ?" I asked.

"Hey, if the man wants to mark this kind of day, I say more power to him. Your dad makes me laugh."

"Yeah, he's loony," I snickered.

I was about to say something to him when chants of "pulled pork" rose from the kitchen.

"I guess I've been summoned," I said, heading toward the kitchen.

"You only have yourself to blame. Maybe if you made a bad meal here or there you wouldn't be in such demand."

I shook my head and rolled my eyes as I submitted to the call and the smell of sweet spices trailing from the kitchen.

When I appeared they all cheered and I blushed at the attention. Really, pulled pork was easy, though I couldn't deny the smell was divine.

Soon everyone fell quiet, with only minimal conversation taking place as mouths were too busy chewing to talk. Edward bit down into his pulled pork sandwich, looked at me with a smirk and nodded his head as he chewed. I had his approval and what I took as another sign, once again.

After they were stuffed, the conversation and laughter resumed. Charlie and Billy regaled everyone with tales of their overnight fishing trip; Harry and Sue filled everyone in on their kids, and Josh, Paul and Sam talked about life at the station and out on patrol. After about forty minutes, Edward stood up and said his goodbyes.

"Thanks for yet another awesome meal. I'll see you on Saturday," he said, turning to me.

"You're welcome."

He gave me a quick hug and headed through the kitchen and out the door.

Then I remembered that I had written down some recipes for his mom a couple days earlier. I quickly grabbed them from the kitchen counter and headed toward the door. I certainly wasn't fooling myself, there was no doubt that I was chasing him down for something other than handing him a few recipe cards. I sucked up my courage and followed him out the door. Little did I know what a fatal mistake I was about to make.

"Edward, wait."

I trailed after him down the steps.

"What is it?" he asked, raising an eyebrow and turning to face me.

"Will you walk with me?" I knew I was taking a risk, but I desperately dreamed it was about to pay off.

"Sure." His tone was non committal, but I resolved to follow through with my intentions.

As we sauntered side by side down the damp pavement, I swallowed my fear.

"What's going on with us?" I asked, getting straight to the point. I opened my mouth again before he could speak. "I just get so many different vibes from you and, and..."

He stopped in the street and turned to face me, halting my forward movement with a gentle hold on my arms. His warm fingers wrapped around the back of them, his thumbs pressed in the opposite direction. It was like he was pulling me closer and pushing me away in the same movement.

He found my eyes and there was no darkness to obscure his penetrating stare. "I know you're feeling confused; I am too. But- we can't do this right now. It just isn't the right time."

"What do you mean? Is this because you're taking care of my dad? Because we've known each other for over a year now and we have this...chemistry." I could hear my voice elevate in hope mixed with frustration, and I sounded pathetically desperate.

"It's not about your dad or the quantity of time we've spent together. I can't deny that I'm..._attracted _to you." I could feel the warmth of his breath as he spoke while never breaking eye contact. "I don't want to hurt you, Bella; I really, really don't."

"Then don't," I demanded, daring to inch even closer, his breath tickling the soft hair on my face.

He immediately took a cautionary step back. "No. You have to understand," he started. "This is about you." His voice was stern, unwavering and I felt my heart fall to the floor and shatter. I had been right in the beginning, I wasn't ideal. I wasn't good enough for him.

"I get it now. I'm damaged goods," I answered back.

"It's not that you're damaged. Not at all. Listen, please. Don't react, just hear me out. You need to figure out you. You haven't done that and you need to. You aren't going to be able to do that if I allow myself to become some sort of diversion for you. I think you need to find your path before ours can really cross."

I clenched my fists, crinkling the recipe cards I was still holding. The air was cold but I was too heated to notice.

"Why do you get to decide what's right for me? Shouldn't that be up to me!" I said, the frustration in my voice beginning to transform into defensiveness. "What about what I want? What if what I want is you?" I was confessing in the heat of my growing rage. I was starting to lose my grasp on reasonableness.

"Bella, please. Calm down," his voice was on the edge of begging.

"No! I'm so sick of everyone telling me how I need to do everything. It'd be nice if just one person could stand up for me, have a little faith in me." Everything was escalating and in some ways I was a mere spectator to my own out of control emotions.

"Your dad is going to succumb to his illness. I know you don't want to hear it or focus on it and there's nothing wrong with that, but you need to take stock of the situation and remember yourself in this. You need to have at least a vague idea of where you want your life to go after he's gone. If you don't, what will you have? Your friends have said this and your father has begged you to think about these things but you just keep putting it off. If you don't deal with it and deal with it soon, you're going to find yourself standing on the edge with nowhere else to go but down. I can't watch that happen to you. I won't. You have to make you happy before I ever can." His voice held heat and weight, but not in the way I wanted it to.

I was furious.

"You. Don't. Know. _Me,_" I said, drawing out each word, giving into my fury and letting it win. "So stop acting like you know what's best for me." The words tasted sour on my tongue but I had gone too far and my pride hindered any attempt at retraction.

"Here are those recipes I promised your mom," I spat and threw the cards at him.

I turned and ran away rapidly, leaving him standing in the street. He didn't try to follow me and he didn't call me back to him. I stormed up my front steps and collected myself enough so that I could avoid any speculation from the gathering waiting on the other side of the door.

I had probably damaged things beyond repair. It didn't matter. The last thing I needed was another person trying to dictate the path of my life to me. I ascended the stairs, bypassing the laughter in the kitchen and taking advantage of the sanctuary of my room. It wasn't long before I started grieving for what I had just lost. _No, what I had just destroyed_. The tears came down in sheets as I buried my head against the pillows and sobbed.

_What had I done?_

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**So, I hope you don't want to kill me for that. Edward does have good intentions, he's just...gone about things the wrong way. And Bella, well, she has a right to be upset and confused. There's a lot going on, speak your mind in a review!**  
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	19. Chapter 19

**Saluki168 = Flove**

**I know the argument was hard to swallow - I know. Bear with me...please. **

**Thank you for reading, it means the world.**

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Chapter 19

I had been lying in bed for a few minutes when there was a light knock on the bedroom door. I just couldn't bring myself to go back downstairs.

"Bella, it's Emily. Can I come in?" she asked, her sweet timbre muffled by the barrier.

I knew there was no hiding the sniveling mess I had morphed into but thought it would only attract more attention if I told her to go away.

"Come in," I responded meekly.

The door creaked as she opened it slowly.

"Oh, Bella, are you alright?" she asked as she caught her first glimpse of me. "I mean, I guess that's a stupid question. Would you like to talk about it?"

_Not in the slightest._

"I'm just a little sensitive about my dad." I felt bad for lying to her, but I wasn't about to go into the Edward situation. "He's just been really casual about the whole feeding tube thing." At least I wasn't completely fabricating something out of thin air; his behavior had gotten to me.

She shook her head and wore a sympathetic expression. "I can't imagine being in your skin right now. I get how that must have been a little weird for you. Hell, if I was in your position I'd probably be breaking down daily."

I found the strength to sit up in bed.

"I've been okay, just trying to take things a day at a time. I just never know when the emotion is going to hit. That's the distressing part; I have no control."

"That's got to suck," she responded, lightening the mood.

"Yeah." I laughed uneasily.

"Everyone down there is wondering where you disappeared to."

"Can you do me a huge favor?" I asked, hoping for a reprieve from the rest of the evening.

"Name it," she said willingly.

"I don't think I can face my dad tonight. Can you have Josh help him to bed? He's been through the routine before. And...can you just let everyone know that I'm just not feeling well?"

She placed a reassuring hand on my knee. "I'll handle it."

"Thanks. It really helps me out – so much."

Her expression continued to portray genuine concern. "If you ever need anything I'm only a phone call away."

"You're an angel."

"Naw. Just trying to give you a break, looks like you could use one."

With one last squeeze of my knee, she got up and exited the room.

Before she came in I had been wallowing in my own self-inflicted despair, selfishly thinking about what _I _had lost. I had neglected to really consider how my poor decision would impact Charlie. Panic replaced the depression and rose to the surface with an insistent demand for recognition. I could not imagine anyone other than Edward caring for my dad. I was suddenly convinced that the way I had lashed out would mean an end to the professional relationship as well. I felt ill as I thought about the possible ramifications of a change in Charlie's care so far into his diagnosis. I also wondered if Dr. Cullen would feel awkward and refer us elsewhere. . My reaction had been ignorant and short-sighted, and I was disgusted with what I had most likely ruined.

I was momentarily eased when I saw Josh help Charlie to bed; at least I was able to avoid the prying eyes and investigative ways of my dad for one night. Without a doubt he would have known I was upset, not ill. I watched through the tiny monitor as Josh handled him with great care. He was good with my dad, but nothing held a candle to the way Edward cared for him. I continued to view the scene through the monitor, watching as Josh stayed until Charlie fell asleep, then made a quiet exit.

I had a difficult time falling asleep. I didn't want to face the day on the other side of my disastrous night.

I was able to compose myself, at least on the outside, for the following two days. On the inside I was sure I resembled a crime scene, a complete mess. Every time the phone rang, I jumped; I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I expected a call from Edward saying he wasn't coming back or a call from a nursing agency requesting a meeting at his behest. To my astonishment and great relief, Edward showed up on Wednesday morning, just as he had always done. Maybe things were okay?

_Or not._

His knock was quiet, barely a tap, and as I made my way to answer it I was unbearably uncomfortable. Imaginary daggers stabbed at my sides as a result of my nerves. When I opened the door, our eyes met, though he pulled his away instantly.

"Hi, Bella." His voice held no emotion.

"You came," I mustered.

He grimaced slightly. "Of course I came, it's Wednesday." His tone was hollow; there was nothing in it for me to cling to one way or another.

He came in without another word and stepped past me, intentionally avoiding contact. I had to steel myself against the wave of sadness that all but drowned me where I stood.

I followed pathetically behind him like a lost puppy as he made his way to Charlie's room.

I stood there and watched him tend to my dad and laugh at his dad's little quips. Edward had resumed his nurturing ways so easily but barely acknowledged my presence.

He would say little, meaningless things to me here and there like, "The incision site has healed properly," and "His lungs sound good." There was nothing beyond that though.

Edward wasn't curt or withdrawn just...platonic, which was almost worse. I wanted him to lash out at me, tell me what a bitch I had been, but there was no inkling of that in his eyes. He barely looked at me and when he did it was empty, there was nothing.

I had no one to blame but myself for our new state of being. I had shut off the switch responsible for illuminating our connection. I had destroyed a year long friendship in the span of five minutes, and I wanted to grieve for the loss, but not in front of him.

"I'm going out for a while, okay?" I said, speaking directly to Charlie.

Edward shifted uncomfortably.

"Where you going?" he asked.

"Just out." And with an unmet glance at Edward, I was out the door.

I didn't make it to the beach before the downpour of tears was cascading over my cheeks. When I finally pulled up to the familiar parking area, I banged my head against the steering wheel; I was so angry with myself.

_Why didn't I apologize? Why didn't I try to break through the ice?_

I got out of the truck, slamming the door in an effort to exorcise some of my rage. I just didn't understand.

I followed the well worn trail down to the beach and kicked at the wet sand as I walked the length of it. As if the ocean could sense my tempestuousness, the waves began crashing with an increasing ferocity against the shore. The drizzly day had left the beach entirely deserted, other than the birds and their haunting calls I was alone with my self disdain.

After pacing for a good thirty minutes, the ocean mist began working its head clearing magic. For the first time since the mind reeling argument, I started to think about what Edward had said to me. It was as if the smoke screen had finally lifted and the most important message of his words was revealed; _you have to find yourself, Bella._ I had probably massacred any chance at anything real with Edward, having realized his message a few days too late, but that didn't take away from the fact that I had some soul searching to do. The irony of this self revelation did not escape me. I had ruined my chances with Edward, but he had been the one to finally inspire my break through. I sighed at the thought.

I had paced enough to shake my anxious and angry feelings and so I sat down in the wet sand to think about what my fatherless future could possibly hold; I hadn't the slightest idea. The salty sea air tingled in my nose as I fisted and played with the cold and grainy sand; I finally understood what it was that Edward – and everyone else- had been trying to say to me. Although Charlie had raised me to be humble, I never had to worry about money and that had allowed complacency to set in following the demise of my marriage. The travel industry had been a fun diversion, but I really couldn't picture myself in it long term.

"What do you want, Bella?" I asked myself along with my audience of birds and sea foam.

I sat there and tried to mentally pound an answer out of myself, throwing little pebbles towards the white tipped waves. I wasn't ever someone who had it all figured out; I didn't grow up thinking "this is what I want to be." My head began to throb the more I thought about it, and I wanted something to give. I finally stopped trying to force it. After a few minutes, as if God was answering an unaddressed prayer, it dawned on me. I didn't know exactly where it would lead, but when it came to me, it felt..._right._

As my thoughts began to snowball, I stood up from the beach, brushed the wet sand from my butt, and walked quickly back to the car. I had some research to do.

When I walked in, the house was nearly silent. Edward was sitting alone in the living room, perusing a magazine.

"Bella, you're back," his voice was steady and still lacking emotion.

"Yeah, my dad?" My eyes darted around the room as I shifted uneasily in the spot where I stood. The wall of discomfort between us was excruciating.

"He's asleep. I hooked him up to the pump. You remember how to disconnect it when it's finished?"

"I do."

"Well, I'll be on my way then." He postured himself to leave.

I wanted to stop him, beg him to stay and talk, but I didn't have the gall. No matter how juvenile it was, I longed to hold his hand again and feel his arms wrapped around me in a hug, but I had constructed the wall between us and the sad thing was, I didn't have the strength to tear it down.

He stood up, placing the magazine on the table.

"I'll be by on Saturday. I still have a key so if you aren't here, it's okay. I know you don't like to leave him alone, but I just wanted to put that out there." I had completely forgotten about the key we had provided him at the beginning of his contract. He never really had to use it; I always made sure I was home when Edward was coming by.

I wondered at his words. Were they his way of saying it would be easier if we didn't see each other?

"Okay," I answered, unsure. "I guess."

He opened the front door, but paused before he left.

"By the way, my mother told me to thank you for the recipes."

The cold inflection of his voice and the following sound of the door being pulled firmly shut killed any hope I had that things would improve between us. My eyes began to leak without permission. _How many tears would I shed over him?_

I never fully understood the definition of unrequited love until that moment; the ache it left in your heart, its whisper against your ear, the utter longing of the soul for completion.

Unfortunately and fortunately, I had no time to linger on what I would be missing; I had a future to seek. Research beckoned me and my hopeless feelings were pushed aside for the moment.

I checked on Charlie, who was sound asleep, his bag of nutrients still half full. I ascended the stairs to my bedroom and switched the laptop on.

I had been so thick when it came to making a decision about my future, but really, it had been staring me in the face for a long time.

As the laptop buzzed to life, I waited impatiently to pull up _Google _and conduct my search.

I typed in _culinary school Seattle _and waited for the results. There appeared to be only two options worth investigating further, and I finally decided I liked the idea of the courses at _The Art Institute of Seattle; _it seemed like the best fit for me. I printed an application but wasn't quite ready to fill it out. Relocating to Seattle was not an option in my immediate future, but I wanted to be prepared for when the time came. I said a prayer in my heart, hoping that I could put off applying for a long time. There was something else that had to happen first, something I would never be ready for, _ever._

The idea of attending culinary school had come so naturally, I was surprised that it hadn't hit me sooner. Cooking was passion and therapy all at once; it required all five senses, and in the end you always had something show for it. When I thought about it further, it really became crystal clear that it was meant for me. I wasn't quite sure what I would do with it in the end, but it was a step in the right direction. I had _something, _which was more than I had when I woke up that morning. I decided not to share my intentions with anyone, there was no point. I would eventually tell my dad so he could be assured I had direction in my life, but I would have to approach that situation carefully. I couldn't let it slip that it would be something that would have to wait until after he was gone. I knew my dad well enough to know that he would find a way to boot me out the door, transport me to Seattle, and have me in school by the fall. I couldn't and wouldn't leave him; I didn't care if Edward packed his bags and moved in with Charlie, my priorities were clear in my heart and my mind and nothing would change them.

I would be with Charlie to the end, though the thought of that alone made everything in my world extremely dim.

I had no idea how to prepare for everything that was on the horizon. And, it was a really good thing I didn't have precognitive tendencies because, if I did, I probably wouldn't have been able to bear what was coming.

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**I know this chapter didn't see much relief for Edward & Bella but...they will mend the fences, promise.**


	20. Chapter 20

**Thanks to my beta, Saluki168 - love her dearly.**

**There is one case of non PG-13 profanity in this chapter - I hope I do not offend! Things are going to be okay, hang in there. Thank you for reading, reviewing and adding Living Through It to your favorites! I was nominated for the Most Tears Glove Award - If you want to vote for me, you can do so here: **.

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Chapter 20

The days between Edward's visits dragged, and with each day that passed, I found myself hoping for an opening to put our friendship back on track. I thought about texting him a simple "I'm sorry," several times, but that was just chicken shit behavior. He deserved more than that and I had to own up like a big girl. For the next two weeks, things were the new status quo; Edward would come, care exceptionally for Charlie, and then leave having spoken only a few words to me.

I was quickly approaching my wits end when I finally broke down and called Alice to talk about it.

"B!" she exclaimed, after picking up before the first ring had finished. "It feels like it's been ages."

"It's been a couple of weeks; I think."

"Uh oh. What's wrong?" Alice asked; nothing got by her, she knew me too well.

"It's, well...it's Edward." I was so reluctant to get into it with anyone, but if there was anyone I was going to talk to about it, it was her.

"Is he being a jerk?"

"No, actually, I'm the jerk."

"No way, I don't believe you. Tell me, start from the beginning." I pictured her sitting on her couch, legs crossed and tucked underneath her.

I went over it all; our amazing non-date and Edward's touchy-feeliness with me, my misinterpretation of the signs I was sure he was giving. I described in detail how he had changed his behavior towards me since our falling out. She listened, not letting out a single peep, which I knew was no small feat for my bestie.

After a few moments of uncharacteristic silence, she gave me her assessment.

"You want the truth raw and uncensored, right?"

"Yes." I braced myself for impact.

"That's my girl. First, I agree, you kind of owe him an apology because he _is_ trying to look out for your best interests here. I mean, how many guys wouldn't take advantage of your emotional state and try to get you into bed at the first opportunity?"

I laughed. "I'm not exactly a man magnet, A."

Disregarding my self-loathing she replied, "Shut up, my turn to talk. Anyway, on the other hand his hand holding and ear whispering thing is a total mind fuck, if you'll excuse my language. He can't be doing those things and expect you not to have an emotional response. I mean, obviously the guy likes you."

"Correction, he _did _like me."

"I'm sure he still does. A fight doesn't just evaporate those kinds of feelings. Of course, he probably felt the only thing he could do was pull back."

"But it's like we aren't even friends anymore, he's just...a nurse."

"And if he didn't care, he probably wouldn't even be that if things really are as bad you're implying."

"Do you think I should apologize?"

She was quiet again for a moment before answering. "Actually, I think you should wait it out. Let things go for awhile. Sometimes these things work themselves out just by giving them time. Don't force it."

I decided to take her advice. As I had recently learned, forcing things didn't usually work out.

We talked awhile longer; she had an approaching deadline and was excited about the designs she had produced. Jasper had taken on three pupils, two were learning guitar and one piano. They were both so busy they had yet to set a wedding date, but she assured me I would be the first to know, even over her mother. Of course she was trying to contemplate the fashion side of things. On one hand, a winter wedding would afford her the opportunity to accessorize in innovative ways. On the other hand, she liked the idea of the warm weather of the summer months allowing for a more whimsical style. With Alice you never knew where her creativity would take her; I couldn't wait to find out.

Although nothing was resolved with Edward by our conversation, I felt better about the situation with him. Alice's outside perspective was just what I needed to hear. Relief washed over me and I decided to be open minded about where things with Edward stood. It was better than the defeatist attitude I had clung to since our fight. Mixed messages and friendly advice aside, I still felt as though I owed him an apology.

Charlie had adjusted to the feeding tube with ease, and he had noticeably filled out a little more. There was a fresh cause for concern, however. Edward had been by on Wednesday and Charlie had been fine, but the following day he started coughing, and it wasn't at all dry sounding. Nothing was coming up, but his congestion was evident. Edward couldn't come by on Saturday, but things with Charlie had been fine when he left on Wednesday. I was anxious for Edward's Monday visit and had a hard time falling asleep on Sunday evening. I was sleeping lightly and was in and out of semi-consciousness all night. I must have drifted into a deeper sleep sometime in the early morning hours because the next thing I knew I was rudely awakened by a pendulum swinging back and forth inside my skull. Charlie's voice was a faint whisper in the background, drowned out by the head crushing pressure.

I knew what was happening; I had a migraine. I had been plagued with them during my teenage years, but they had thankfully made fewer appearances since I had entered my twenties. This one was especially brutal. I forced my eyes open only to have the pain increase as I was assaulted by the filtered sunlight that trickled in through the window. I was immediately struck with the added offense of nausea; it crept up from my stomach and into my chest – illness threatening- but Charlie was calling, so I had to tough it out. I kept my eyes closed to avoid the light and stood on shaky legs. As soon as I did, the invisible anchor weighing down my head forced me back to the bed. I didn't have the strength to get back up. Opening a single eye, I peeked at my clock, it was flashing "8:30", _or was it flashing?_

_Edward please get here._

The sound of my father's helpless voice coming through the monitor added insult to injury; I yearned to get to him but I couldn't. I was a prisoner to the pain. My hands felt weak and tingly and I began to shake, tremors coming from the inside out, my bones rattled in the soft armor of my skin. Charlie finally stopped calling for me after what seemed like a century but in reality had only been three minutes.

At five minutes to eight there was a knock at the front door, and though the sound was faint at most, my head responded with persistent throbbing. Light, sound, and heat were all added offenders in the attack of the migraine. I wanted to lie on the cool linoleum of the bathroom floor, although I shivered and pulled the covers tighter. I longed for the cover of night to save me from the piercing light of the sun. Where was the cloudy weather today?

A sweet second of relief passed over me when I heard the front door open, followed by Edward's voice through the monitor a short few seconds later.

"Charlie, where's Bella?" he asked. His first question had been about me.

Charlie answered him in a raspy, unrecognizable voice, "I think something's wrong. I've been calling her for twenty minutes. I don't think my bladder can hold much longer."

"Alright, let's get you up and then I'll go check on her. Maybe she inadvertently switched off the monitor and overslept."

_Did I detect a hint of concern in his voice or was my headache laden mind playing tricks on me?_

I heard some shuffling around as Edward helped Charlie out of bed. After about ten minutes, my dad's congested, nasal voice broke through.

"Go check on her, please." Tears began to fall at the desperation in his voice; I couldn't stand that I had him worried.

"Just a sec," Edward said. "Let me listen to your heart and lungs first." There was urgency in his tone, but I had no way of deciphering if it was due to me or Charlie.

Another agonizing five minutes expired before I heard soft foot falls up the stairs. There was a feather-light knock at the door.

"Bella? Bella, are you in there?"

"Yes." My voice came out feeling and sounding feeble.

He opened the door but I couldn't open my eyes.

"Bella?" And then more frantic, "Bella!"

"So loud." I was in too much distress to resist the help he was about to offer.

"Sorry," he said softly. "What's wrong?" I felt the heat of his body as he drew closer and knelt at my bedside.

"Migraine." I only had the strength for one word replies.

"Hang on," he said, before I felt the nearness of him disappear. I heard him leave the room followed by the sound of running water. Moments later he was pressing a cool wash cloth to my thundering head.

"That feels good." I could feel his weight on the edge of the bed; he was sitting next to me.

"I didn't know you got migraines," he commented, his voice as soft as cotton.

"It's been a while." Responding was a struggle.

"Do you take anything for them?"

I shook my head "no," the pendulum swung back and forth, battering my head from the inside out.

"Just ibuprofen...I couldn't get to the medicine cabinet."

I felt the edge of the bed spring back and knew he was going to get me what I needed. He was back in a flash with aspirin and a glass of water .

"Can you sit up?" he asked. The warmth of previous days had returned to his voice; his concern made my heart sing.

"I don't know." My voice was a ghost of its usual self.

Then I felt his arms underneath me, urging me upward into a sitting position. I finally opened my eyes and found myself looking directly into Edward's concerned eyes. For the first time in three weeks they didn't dart away.

While supporting me with one arm, he handed me the pills and once they were in my mouth, the glass of water. I choked them down. After I swallowed, words that had been begging to be said finally found their escape.

"Edward, I'm sorry."

"Shhhh, just lie down." He eased me back down to the bed. "Just rest."

There were a few moments of silence but he hadn't left me.

"Listen to me, okay?" he started. "I need to take Charlie in; his lungs don't sound well." I could hear the conflict in his voice; he didn't want to cause me any further duress.

I tried to sit up, but that imaginary anchor kept me weighted to my bed.

"I have to go."

"No. You're in no shape. Trust me, Bella. Please, just trust me."

I wanted to insist but he was right, I was in no condition, unless I was admitted to the hospital myself. I reluctantly nodded my agreement.

"As soon as I can, I'll be back to check on you." He pushed the damp hair back from my face in a way I imagined a mother would do with her sick child, so tender, so caring – not that I knew what a mother would do.

"My dad..." I trailed off.

"Just precautionary." It made my heart thud in time with my head that he understood what I was wondering.

"Thanks, Edward."

"You're welcome."

The icy rift between us had finally cracked. He left the room and I was alone with my thoughts.

He was still Edward. Every tiny ounce of the person I had fallen for unwillingly and with unrelenting fervor. Everything he did was with understated compassion, and he had only reaffirmed that he was keeping his commitment to remain at our side for the duration. The sting of the words I had hurled at him weeks earlier reemerged in my gut, my heart, my brain. I didn't feel like I had the right words to sooth my destructive outburst. I wondered if we could truly be friends again. Since I had destroyed our previous bonds all I could think about was how I took them for granted when I tried to press the relationship further. When you forced things sometimes you broke them irrevocably and I might have done that with Edward. If only I could take that afternoon back, we might have found ourselves in a very different place. I ached to give my love to someone. No. Not someone, _Edward_. His compassionate care in that moment had restored my hope, or at least some of it.

I wasn't kidding myself; I knew things weren't going to go back to how they were, but as I laid there waiting for the ibuprofen to take effect, I couldn't help but think that somehow the headache was God's way of intervening. Sometimes prayers are answered in ways you'd never imagine.

Despite my wandering thoughts, I drifted to sleep as the pain relief started to kick in. Migraines were life sucking, draining and I must have been more exhausted than I realized because when I woke back up, it was four hours later and I wasn't alone.

The drumming continued in my head, but it wasn't the unbearable pressure of earlier in the day. Edward was sitting in my desk chair.

"Hey sleepyhead, feeling better?" His playful sincerity increased my mountain of remorse.

"A little. How's my dad?"

"They admitted him; he has a _mild_ case of pneumonia." He placed great emphasis on the word "mild."

"Oh no – I need to got to him." I pulled the covers back and started sit up.

Edward placed his hands on my shoulders and gently pushed me back down. "Nope. Charlie wants you to stay home and rest. He's in good hands. Besides you know that migraines can come back with a vengeance if you don't allow yourself a full recovery." Even if I wanted to force the issue, he could definitely could physically restrain me, I was weak. He returned to sit in the chair.

"Who put you in charge?" I said, trying to keep my tone even keeled.

"Charlie did. You can call him and verify that order. He's my boss after all." Edward chuckled. "He'll just be there overnight. We can go get him tomorrow, and I'll even swing back by the hospital on my way home tonight."

"It's not on your way home," I replied.

"Well, you know what I mean." His dedication floored me again and again.

And then it was stagnant, uneasy again. I decided to pry open the window that had recently appeared in the wall.

"Edward, are we going to be okay?" I asked.

I didn't miss the heavy sigh that escaped him.

"Bella," he hesitated. "We're okay, alright? I should be apologizing to you. I know I've been cold and I know I probably screwed everything up, but we need to keep this on a professional level from here on out. Now more than ever, Charlie needs _our_ assistance and in order to give him the best care, I need to be focused on him, no distractions."

I had so much I wanted to say in that moment, queries, thoughts and expression of love, but this was my chance to suck it up and prove to him that his words had not been lost on me.

"I understand and I really, truly regret what I instigated a few weeks ago. Thanks for not losing sight of what you're here for. Now, come here. I'm not trying to confuse things but please, come here."

He stood up and came over to the bed; I sat up as he sat down. Before he had a chance to stop me, I threw my arms around his neck and managed the strength to hold him to me. A rush of tearful bliss consumed me when he wrapped his long arms around me and squeezed back. It was better than the comfort of a childhood blanket or a heart warming story; he was a haven in the midst of all my uncertainty, and I would never take that for granted again.

As promised, Charlie was discharged the following day, sent home with a prescription for _Cipro, _and orders for less liquid meals. As it turned out, the liquid nutrients that were sustaining him were also the culprit behind the pneumonia. With his feeding regiment scaled back, he should make a quick recovery. My headache was gone but I felt like a shell of myself, utterly wiped. The day following a migraine I always craved greasy, nutrient bare food. Edward was gracious enough to run to the diner and grab lunch for us while I got Charlie settled in at home. I didn't have an ounce of eater's remorse after consuming my fried chicken sandwich and French fries, which I washed down with a vanilla milkshake. Charlie had some soul-warming chicken noodle, while Edward chomped down a BLTA.

We were a unit again, the three of us. I wanted to revert back to how it had been before our disagreement, but I knew that baby steps would be the safest way to reach our former level of companionship. For the moment I was satisfied with my dad's homecoming, greasy food, and Edward's presence. I look back on moments like that with the fondest recollection. Of course, things wouldn't always be that way.

Unfortunately the memories that stand out the most are the times when your train is derailed. And boy, was my train about to go off track.

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Thoughts, queries, clarifications? You know what to do - hit that little review button.


	21. Chapter 21

**Unending thanks and snuggles for my beta, Saluki168 and to all of you that are reading/reviewing/rec'ing/making this story a favorite. I am humbled and grateful. **

**Bella will need a hug after this chapter, trust me. **

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Chapter 21

I didn't have a mother. At least that was the way I had always felt about it. I couldn't miss the presence of someone I had no memory of. When I was thirteen I was snooping around one afternoon while Charlie was out on patrol. I was actually trying to unearth my birthday gift. What I found instead was a an old, dusty shoe box that was simply marked "photos." Curiosity got the best of me and I opened the box.

Inside I found a vast array of pictures of Charlie and _her, _the woman I didn't know despite the fact I had been in her womb for nine months.

She was strawberry blonde with piercing blue yes and an elegant yet carefree face. I examined each picture with a scrutinizing eye trying to decipher what pieces of me were passed down from her. I had always identified with Charlie and grew up hearing the phrase, "You look just like your father," repeatedly. Of course, I always felt the resemblance was strong as well. But that afternoon, when my sleuthing got the best of me, the similarities I shared with _her_ were literally staring me right in the face.

My eyes and hair, save for the auburn highlights, were strictly Charlie but my dainty, round-tipped nose and bone structure had come straight from her. I shed tears at the discovery, forced to recognize that I did indeed have a mother. I thought those would be the only tears I would spill over her. I decided that day, at the ripe old age of thirteen, that I would never waste my time or tears on her again. I would be wrong. Although I had closed the lid on her memory along with the pictures in the box that day, sucked it up and mentioned it to no one, the past has a way of coming back around, even when you're confident you've rid yourself of it.

Charlie made a pretty decent recovery from his bout with pneumonia. The new regiment of less liquid, more substance had helped ease him along – not that there weren't changes to deal with.

Edward began coming four days a week. True to his word, he had kept things on a professional level in the month since we had made up. There wasn't any lingering strain between us, but there was still a faint line drawn in the sand. We talked, mostly about Charlie, and he joined us for dinners on the days Billy or the guys were over; he sat in the kitchen with them. It still brought me some measure of satisfaction that he was eating what I cooked again. Of course my attraction to him hadn't waned, and it excited me when I caught him scoping me out when he thought I wasn't paying attention. I was _always_ paying attention.

I was content with where we were at but could hardly deny that I still wanted more. In some ways I wanted the emotional benefits of a relationship, but I also had other needs that weren't being met; celibacy after a plentiful sexual history is not for the faint of heart or, erm, loins. It didn't help that I had an extremely good looking man coming to the house four times a week.

Edward adjusted his schedule to include Thursdays; he was coming by Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday. The days he spent with us – or Charlie if I wasn't around- were the ones I was most at ease. My anxieties had been increasing over time and they were noticeably elevated on the days he wasn't there.

I was especially thankful for his presence on a random Thursday when my comfort zone was unexpectedly attacked - a day that reached a place I didn't even know existed in me.

It started off as any other; Charlie was in a "good" phase and was eating breakfast – no small feat, I tell you. Outside it was cloudy and drizzling rain, the wind blowing it against the windows making an inconsistent tapping sound. In the distance darker clouds loomed to the north. If I had been more superstitious, I probably would have looked at it as a bad omen.

After breakfast, Charlie was sitting in his well worn recliner and Edward was at his side.

There was a knock at the door.

"Coming," I called, wondering who it might be. I thought maybe it was Sam, stopping by to say "hello" or maybe an unexpected delivery. I guessed wrong both times.

I opened the door and on the other side stood a well dressed, beautifully coiffed stranger, _my mother._ Though the only time I laid eyes on her in the flesh, I had been a newborn, I knew her from the pictures I had stumbled across all those years earlier. Charlie had made a point not to keep anything out in the open. I imagined it was partially for his own sanity, as well as mine. I had no words, no voice, not even a coherent thought, only raw, intrinsic emotion.

"You must be Bella. Hi, I'm Renee," she introduced. It was informal and cold, we were meeting for the first time since my first few weeks of life and that was how she decided to approach it?

I didn't extend my hand and had no response with which to greet her. I asked the only question that came to my confounded mind. "What are you doing here?" Two could play at her childish games of avoidance and disregard.

"I heard about your father and I would like to see him."

I was infuriated, anger incinerated any compassion that had existed in me prior to to the time I opened the door. How dare she? After twenty-six years of not a word, she had some balls showing up unannounced and uninvited.

I snorted before answering, "Uh, I don't think so. Besides, he's resting."

"Well then, I'll wait." She was nonchalant and completely unaffected standing there in my presence.

My blood absolutely boiled in my veins but before I erupted in a tirade, I heard the sound of the rubber wheels of my dad's wheelchair coasting along the hardwood floor behind me.

"Bella," Charlie started, his voice resolute. "Why don't you head back into the living room."

_No. She didn't deserve this meeting – she had done nothing to earn it._

"Dad, I don't think you-"

He cut me off. "Sweetheart, go to the living room, please? For me?" His hoarse voice and it's underlying plea did not escape me, but I was still livid.

I tore away from the front door so quickly, I felt the wind I created trail behind me.

When I saw the look on Edward's face it was clear he was entirely uncomfortable with what was unfolding in the Swan household. I paced back and forth, waiting to hear Charlie close the door on that audacious woman. I was floored when Charlie rolled through the room with _her _following just behind.

"Bells, hey. We're just going to have a talk in my room, okay?"

I loved my dad, God, I loved him, but I was so not okay.

"Fine." I couldn't be sweet, not even to him in that moment.

Edward was on standby. I could see he wanted to say something, but he refrained, choosing to remain an innocent observer.

I tore up the stairs to my bedroom, leaving him in my wake. I turned on my monitor which was suddenly a convenient spy cam.

"_...she looks like you, but she has quite an attitude on her," _she said, her voice unfeeling, detached.

"_Attitude? Excuse me Renee but how is she supposed to act towards the woman who abandoned her when she was only a baby? Besides, you barely even acknowledged her presence just now," he huffed. _I could hear anger in Charlie's otherwise feeble voice.

"_I've missed you Charlie, I have. I just wish you had agreed to what I wanted back then. I could be caring for you now, bringing you joy in your final days."_ I watched her take a step towards him.

"_Don't you dare. That girl out there, the one you so hastily wanted to abort is the best thing that ever happened to me. I wouldn't trade anything for her – nothing compares. I don't want you. You make me sick!" _Charlie was yelling and I should have been concerned about the stress he was showing, but I was in shock at truth that was revealed; my mother had wanted to abort me.

She moved even closer to him and reached out to touch him on the face, he flinched back.

"_Charles, I loved you. You knew that children weren't my thing and I made that clear from the beginning. She ruined us, it's her fault."_

And then there were tears, the ones I promised myself I would never allow. They dripped down my cheeks and wet my lips, where I tasted their salty complex on my tongue.

Charlie exploded, coming to my defense."_She ruined nothing! You can't blame your selfish decisions on an innocent little girl! She is my world and the day you left is the day my life truly began. I would pay the price of divorce a million times over if it meant one extra day with her. You have some nerve, Renee. How you can look your own daughter in the face and deny her only proves you weren't the person I thought you to be. It's time you-"_

I hadn't even heard him come into the room and only was aware Edward was standing there when the monitor went dark.

"What are you doing?" I cried, wiping my face with the back of my hand.

He sat down next to me and put his arm around me. I snuggled into his side, sniffling. "Why would you do that to yourself, Bella?" He rubbed my arm, attempting to soothe me.

"I don't know," I said, sounding muffled against his chest.

"I have the urge to throw her out myself, after those things she said. But, it's obvious your dad has your back, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess he does," I let out a cross between a sniffle and a laugh.

I sat back up, rearranging myself so that I was facing him.

"You're beautiful, even with a tear stained face," he said out of the blue. He quickly looked down.

That elicited a deep laugh. "You have strange timing," I answered, kicking at his shoe while I stared at the floor.

"I'm working on it," he answered tenderly, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear. I relaxed when he touched my hair. I loved feeling the stirrings of mutual attraction between us again.

"How much did you hear?"

"Everything you did; I was just outside your door the entire time."

"Thanks for shutting it off," I said.

"I have no idea why you're being subjected to such bullshit but you have to know those things she said have nothing to do with you."

"Have you ever known anyone who's mother hated them before they were born?" I tried to shake the sadness away, but shuddered involuntarily instead.

Edward tentatively took my hand in his; our intertwined hands rested on my thigh. He sought out eye contact. "That doesn't matter." He squeezed my hand in a reassuring gesture. "What does matter is the amazing person you've turned out to be. Compassionate, loving, selfless, strong..." he trailed off, and broke into a smile when he saw my own appear.

"I could go on," he said.

"That's okay, I think you've inflated me enough."

"Never," he said, shaking his head.

"What do I do?" I seriously needed someone to instruct me on how to proceed.

"I can't tell you what to do, but if I were you, I'd walk back downstairs with my head held high."

"Will you come with?"

"Actually, I was thinking about hanging behind in your bedroom." He bounced up and down in the spot where he sat. "I sort of like it here." He quirked an eyebrow before breaking out in a laugh.

"You should see the look on your face," he said through his chuckling.

I pursed my lips tightly and slugged him in the arm playfully.

"I'm going downstairs, make yourself at home." I stood up and walked out the door, he followed right behind.

Though the door was closed, I could hear that the altercation was continuing. Part of me wanted to walk in there, shout some not-so-sweet words and physically throw down. I never thought I would meet her, actually, I never wanted to. I despised her and felt zero connection. I wanted to put her out of my head, scrape the surface of my brain, but alas, it was not a hard drive and could not be wiped.

I sat on the couch but felt instantly jittery. I needed to get out.

"Edward, can I ask a huge favor of you?"

"Anything." Edward's compassion was effortless.

"Do you mind staying here for a while? I think I'm going to go for a drive."

"I'll stay, no problem. Just, um, where are you going?"

"First beach at La Push. It's my place – where I go when I need some breathing room. I wish you could come too."

"Maybe another time?" he offered.

I nodded before grabbing my keys and wallet off the kitchen counter. When I turned around he was standing right there.

He extended his arms and I submitted to them.

"Promise me you're okay to be by yourself?" he asked, clinging to me.

"I am. I just think it would be better if I didn't see her again. I need to let it go and I can't do that if I'm here."

"Don't be long, your dad will worry."

"My dad, huh?" I asked skeptically.

He didn't answer me, but released me from his embrace.

"I'll call on my way back, okay?"

"Sounds like a plan." He smiled out of the corner of his mouth. If I didn't know better I would have thought it was a smug expression.

"Thanks for...being here."

He nodded and I took off.

I drove along the slick road, as the rain came down in thick drops, making for an obscured view through the windshield; my wipers only ran at one speed: _slow_.

I turned on the radio, attempting to drown out my thoughts, it didn't work. _How had she found out about Charlie? Why did she show up? _It was obvious she had no regret over her choice concerning me. The only feelings she expressed were in direct reference to Charlie. No matter what anyone said, I heard it myself; I was the reason she left. I was oddly at peace with that understanding. I knew it wasn't my fault, although she didn't want me, but Charlie? _He had chosen me_. He made up for everything she wasn't. What continued to nag at me is that this amazing man, who had made the most noble choices in his life, was being robbed of it. Meanwhile, Renee, an absentee, anesthetized shell of a mother, would be free to disappear as quickly as she had appeared, and go on living as though I never existed. _She had failed me, not the other way around._ Clarity found me before I reached the beach. I wasn't mad at her for showing up, but I resented the fact that she wasn't the one in Charlie's position; an awful but honest feeling. I pulled up at the beach; the rain was rivering down the windows and everything was a moving, grayish picture through them. It was clearly not a good day to hang down by the water, even from my blurry vantage point it looked punishing and furious. I decided to try and wait for a while, to see if the rain let up. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths through my nose, and thought about Edward. He was so present on my mind; I couldn't stop it, and this beach had some other worldly effect on me. The feelings came back in a flood, there was no gradual resurfacing. I wanted him in ways I would only admit to myself for the time being. I must have been there for about a half an hour when my phone buzzed in my pocket.

It was Edward. My heart rose to action, beating insistently in my chest. I just knew something was wrong; I _felt _it.

"What's wrong?" I answered.

He sounded collected, measured. "Bella, are you driving?"

"No, _what's wrong_," I insisted.

"I had the paramedics come get him..." he stalled.

"Tell, me damn it!"

"I think he may have had another heart attack."

"Was she still there when it happened?" I asked, burning and bitter at the thought.

"No, she left about ten minutes prior." He sounded relieved he had something positive to say.

"Alright, I'm hanging up and on my way."

"Bella!" he shouted piercingly into the phone. "Are you okay to drive?""

"I'll be safe." I hung up the phone.

It took great will power to drive the stormy roads slowly, but I found it. The drive seemed to take hours, _was this day really real?_ It seemed impossibly bad, a living nightmare. I pulled up and parked in the first spot I found. I didn't even bother to lock my truck before I bolted though the sliding glass doors to the emergency room.

I ran straight to information desk. Edward wasn't anywhere to be seen.

"Are you family?" she asked, I was scanning the hall.

"His daughter," I answered, quickly.

She directed me to bay six, down the hall and around the corner I didn't sprint, but I practically jogged until number six was in my view. I turned into the curtain and nearly ran over Edward.

Instead of stopping me and trying to subdue my nerves, he guided me around him with a steady hand. Charlie looked much worse that after the first heart attack. He was hooked up to a variety of monitors and wore bi-pap that seemed to be hooked up to oxygen.

Edward answered a question I hadn't asked out loud. "He's going to be okay, but he did have a heart attack. They gave him something to help him sleep and they're observing him. He'll likely be admitted." His voice was solemn comfort. Charlie looked so pale, so...sunken.

"It was the stress, wasn't it?" I asked pointedly.

"It was probably inevitable but the stress likely played a role."

"I hate this day," I murmured.

"I don't blame you," he assured.

"If she ever comes back, she's not getting through me."

"She won't, Charlie made it clear she wasn't welcome."

"He did?" I asked, touched in the oddest of ways.

"Yeah, he was adamant and pretty satisfied with himself afterward."

Edward took a step closer to me. I involuntarily nodded at him. "He'll be out for a while, should we hang out in the waiting room?"

"No, I'm not leaving him this time. I'll be here as long as he is."

"Do you mind if I stay then?"

_He wanted to keep me company?_

"No, it would be...nice."

He gestured to the two, uncomfortable looking chairs to the side. I took the silent suggestion.

"I'm sure you would like to forget this day," Edward said, taking the chair next to me.

"Understatement," I said cheekily.

"Are you overwhelmed?"

"I am. There's nothing constant anymore and this day it's just...depressing."

"I know this day has been shitty beyond belief, but Charlie is going to be okay." He was sincerely trying to point out the very minimal bright side of the situation.

"For now. But I can't count on tomorrow anymore. I can't count on anything."

He grimaced, his "tell" danced across his face, paining his near-perfect features.

_Had my choice of words upset him?_

I didn't have time to decipher or ask a follow up question; Charlie was awake and the first word that fell from his lips was my name.

I jumped up and was at his side in a flash. "Dad, I'm right here." I took his hand between both of mine, it was warm - at least his circulation was good, a small victory in our day on the battlefield.

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

"Tired." His voice was hoarse and I could tell it took him amazing effort to utter the single word.

"It's okay to sleep; I'm not going anywhere," I soothed him.

"Home," he managed.

"I know that's where you want to be, but looks like we're hunkering down here for the night."

He shook his head. "No, you."

"No way. I know you're my dad and all but I'm not leaving you this time."

"Later," he said, begging me with his glassy eyes.

Completely disregarding his persistence, I said, "You should try to sleep some more. You've had quite a day and it's only two o'clock."

He nodded "yes" and closed his weary eyes; he was out within thirty seconds, snoring almost immediately.

I could feel that Edward was still in the room, and gently unclasping my dad's hand and resting it on the mattress, I turned around.

"Promise me you won't gang up on me and force me to go home?" I requested, before he had a chance to speak himself.

"You've been through enough today. I have not intentions of making it worse." He placed his hand over his heart, sealing the promise with his gesture.

An hour later the on call cardiologist came in and downloaded the state of the Charlie union. He had suffered a heart attack, as Edward had relayed. It was again due to the combination of stress and the wear of the disease on his body. Of course, they were admitting him. They came to move him to a room after forty minutes or so - he was so exhausted he didn't even stir. I was brought down another notch when he was deposited into a room that already had a patient, no privacy this time. Yeah, this day had a theme going: _expect the worst._

"Edward, it's nearly five. You can go if you want. It's been a long day." I wasn't trying to get rid of him, I just thought he might be ready for an out.

"You know they won't let you sleep in here tonight."

"I'll make myself comfy in the waiting room then."

"Personally, I'm starved. I'm going to scope out the vending machines, can I grab you something?"

"Not hungry."

"Okay, well...I'll be right back."

He left the room and I missed him immediately. Having such an array of conflicting emotions coursing through my system was exhausting me emotionally. I wanted to go back to bed, hit the snooze button and start the day over from the beginning. Could I have a redo please?

Edward came back within ten minutes. He handed me a bottle of water and a bag of trail mix.

"Thanks," I said.

"I know you're not hungry but you might change your mind later."

He was crunching on some pretzels and had his own bottle of water. We sat there quietly for almost an hour. Charlie woke up again.

He was much more alert and had regained some of his color. His speech, though still thready and tentative, had improved. "Edward, may I have a few moments alone with my daughter?"

Without speaking, he nodded and disappeared from the room.

"Dad, what is it?" I was at his side.

"Pull up a chair, settle in close. I have something I need to say."

Each word came out slower than the last. I could tell he still needed plenty of rest.

"Can it wait?" I didn't want him to overexert himself as he had clearly done late in the morning.

He shook his head, negative. He pulled the Bi-pap mask away from his face.

"You should have never been subjected to today. There have been things I kept from you to protect you - things you never needed to know because they didn't matter. I don't know what you heard or didn't hear, but you need to know things now. First, I love you."

"Dad, I know-"

He held up his hand to silence me. I obeyed without a moments hesitation.

"When I first met her, Renee was a much different person, but she changed even before you were born. About a month before she found out she was pregnant, she made a proposal to me - she wanted an open marriage. I was floored and disgusted. We fought about it and I basically expressed there was no way in hell I would consider it. And then, just as abruptly as she had brought it up, she dropped it. She made a noticeable effort towards me and eventually, that led to...you."

I _really _didn't want to define what he meant by those words, but I got the gist.

"Anyway, when she found out she was carrying you, she did say and suggest awful things. She grew cold towards me; bitter and accusatory. But the hardest part for me? I felt blissful the moment I found out she was pregnant and I couldn't share in that with her. I was overjoyed in a way that caught me off guard and grabbed me by the soul. From the moment I knew about you, nothing else mattered. For nine months, her miserable nature was overshadowed by the thought of you. I was wrapped around your little finger before I even saw that heart of yours pumping on the ultrasound monitor. It was the best sound I ever heard. And we found out at that moment we were having a little girl."

Tears had resurfaced in my eyes and began overflowing; my dad had never been so open with me.

"I had hoped that she would warm up to things after that experience, but she continued to sour. I knew if that couldn't affect her, there was very little hope. I tried to be supportive and avoid arguing, solely to protect you, because nothing else was more important. I did put in some extra hours at the station to avoid her nastiness, but I had to be there - I wanted to be close to you. She would roll her eyes when I talked to her belly, but I didn't care. I felt like I was the one carrying you," he gave me a stern look before continuing. "That gets repeated to _no one."_

I nodded my promise and eagerly awaited his continuation.

"The point is, Bella, it doesn't matter what she said to me today. You are my every joy, my greatest love and my happily ever after. Sometimes the person you're most connected to is not a spouse, or significant other, and when it comes down to it, you're my flesh and blood and she's not. Nothing matters to me more than you."

I sobbed softly, absorbing every word he spoke. He had sealed the wound Renee had opened that morning. Charlie had never been able to express the depth of his emotions, but his words that day I would cling to for the rest of my own life. They held more importance than life itself.

"I love you so much," I said. Sucking in a breath, I decided he needed to hear something positive from me. "There's something I want to tell you, too."

I could tell he had been fatigued by yet another expenditure of precious energy. He looked relieved that it was my turn to talk.

"I know what I want to do with my life." His dull eyes brightened.

"You do?"

"I've given it some thought and one day it just came to me. You know how I love to cook, right?"

"Yes'm, I do."

"Well, I sort of, kind of decided I want to go to culinary school."

He was so overjoyed he started laughing. "That's perfect, I can even picture you in a chef's hat."

"I'm not sold on that fashion accessory, Alice would have a field day." We laughed in unison.

Things were set right again.

Just then, a nurse entered the room. "Mr. Swan, how are you feeling?"

"Not bad considering the day. I'm very, very tired."

"I'm going to give you something to help with that. You'll probably sleep straight through the night."

"Sounds peachy," he said sarcastically, as she left the room. "Bella, don't make me argue; I want you to head home tonight."

"Dad, please don't do this to me." I put my foot down.

"Hey, there's enough poking and prodding going on in this joint; I don't need to be worrying about you sleeping in a florescent-lit waiting room all night."

He made it so difficult to make a fair case.

"I hate being apart from you."

"Sweetheart, we're never apart." _Heart meet throat._

The nurse came back. "How long until he heads to la la land?" I asked.

"About five minutes after I push this." She held up a bottle of clear liquid. The doctor wants him to recuperate, and rest is going to be the best thing for him at this point." She was saccharine sweet. "It really will put him out, even with us meddling and taking his stats every four hours."

"Will you go home now?" he asked, pleading with his skeptical glare.

I stood up, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. "For you, even though it's going to kill me."

I bent down and kissed him on his cheek, an indent left by the mask still present there. He smelled of medicine and plastic, but his woodsy, natural aroma, one that comforted me on a cellular level, was still present beneath their artificial veil.

"Sweetie, tell Edward thank you for me."

The nurse pushed the meds into his IV. He was out within a minute.

"How early can I come back tomorrow?" I asked her.

"Visiting hours start at nine in the morning, but feel free to come by around eight, we aren't as strict as they would like us to be here."

"What's your name?"

"Dawn."

"Thank you, Dawn."

"You're welcome, dear. We'll take good care of him; I promise."

I grabbed my purse and with a casual wave at Dawn, and one last look at my dad, left the room.

I found Edward in the waiting room.

He stood up as soon as he noticed me.

"Everything all right?"

"Yeah, take me home." Relief was clear on his face.

He extended his hand in the direction of the elevator ad if to say "after you" and I followed the gesture.

And, without another word, he drove me home.

I was so overwrought, I had no emotion left to expend. We didn't talk much, I just mindlessly flipped through stations on the tube. Though I did nothing to entertain him, Edward stayed the entire night, falling asleep on the couch, next to me. We had evolved in a way, his presence more than enough to comfort me. I didn't have questions, nor did I try to read into any signs, I just was. What mattered most was that I wasn't alone.

For once, I actually believed it.

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**Renee is based on a RL person that is fortunately NOT my mother, though she was indirectly a part of my family. Please leave your thoughts in the way of a review. **


	22. Chapter 22

**Thanks as always to my beta, Saluki. I would also like to continue to thank those of you reading and making this story a favorite. Humbled is a word that often comes to mind. Things are going to get more difficult from here on out. Hang in there, Charlie would want you to.  
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Chapter 22

Charlie didn't get out the next day or the following day either. He ended up staying in the hospital three nights before he was deemed well enough to be discharged. When he was released he looked puffed up and bloated from the fluids they had pumped him with. In the short span of three and a half days, I had begun to loathe the hospital. It was to the point where the miscellaneous odors assaulted my nostrils and I dreaded that first intake of air when the elevator opened onto the patient floors. The audible offenses of the hospital were equally as disturbing; hacking coughs, moans of agony and the constant cacophony of the monitors made for the worst symphony of sounds I had ever been subjected to. Despite the awful sensory overload, I showed up each morning by nine o'clock and stayed until the end of visiting hours at seven o'clock in the evening. By the time I left, the smells had dissipated under the mask of familiarity, and the sounds were muted as patients were medicated to the point of sleep.

I probably would have attempted to sleep there, despite the demands of my dad, but his roommate was foul. I'm a compassionate person; I feel the suffering of others in my bones, but some things make me wish I wasn't that way. On the second afternoon, Mr. No Manners Roommate stood up next to his lunch and urinated into the provided depository. The man, who I had no intention of introducing myself to, didn't even have the modesty to face away. As if it wasn't enough to make me squirm, he sat down with the half full urinal directly next to his food, grabbed an apple off of the tray and took a bite. I nearly lost my own lunch. After he was back in bed, with a punctuated pull, I closed the curtain.

Edward came by to check on us both days, and he didn't show up empty handed. The first morning, after he had spent the night on our couch, he showed up a few hours later with coffee in hand and a warm chocolate croissant. I indulged in the delicacy without any feelings of remorse. The second afternoon when he joined us, he brought me a deli sandwich that I scarfed up quickly; I had neglected to eat anything that morning. Dr. Cullen also came by to check in and chat; he was such a personable man, much like the one he had raised. We appreciated his care and concern, with Dr. Cullen, we always knew we were getting the full story on Charlie's prognosis.

On the day Charlie was released, Edward was there again, as reliable as the sunrise. When we had him home, Charlie was still exhausted and his speech remained labored. Although he was deemed fit for discharge, I could see that he had returned from this hospital stay an altered man. I knew the more carefree days of the time before the drama were over. The pneumonia that had plagued himhad been gone nearly a month, but his breathing was still heavy and stuttered. His appetite was diminished along with his morale, though he put up a front of strength and bravery as he always would. It resonated deep down in my soul that he was not the same and wouldn't be again. The only thing I could hope for was that we wouldn't face another major decline prior to his fifty-fifth birthday; we had a month to wait out. I knew he would survive to see it, I just wondered what condition the landmark date would find him in.

We settled into the doldrums of routine again, but it wasn't quite the same routine as before. Charlie couldn't muster enough strength to get himself out of bed, ever. He preferred the comfort of his bedroom and stayed in his bed the majority of the time, sleeping and watching television. On "Edward" days we made a point of getting him up, but he frequently would end up sleeping in his recliner. I stopped my afternoon outings completely, my subconscious had been toyed with and I worried that if I left, something bad was bound to happen. Of course, I would leave to buy groceries and run errands, but there were no more trips to First Beach. It seemed we were finally catching up with the inevitable. While Charlie slept the days away and struggled with insomnia at night, I was inconveniently having the opposite problem. Under the stimulation of coffee and worry, I was wide awake during the day and swept up in physical and emotional exhaustion at night. Ever the fighter, Charlie declined sleeping aids; he didn't want them to mess with the part of him that remained sharp as ever, his mind.

Edward was a constant attendant to Charlie when he was with us. After a discussion with his father, he had arranged for a physical therapist come for an in-home consultation. The physical therapy was not to help regain function, but to make sure his stationary limbs remained pliable and to encourage good circulation. His care was becoming persistently more intensive and had Edward not been there, I would have been a crumbling mess. Edward started implementing the physical therapy into his established repertoire and I tried to keep it up on the days when he wasn't there – but it was more demanding than I ever imagined. The dead weight of his legs was not the only difficulty to navigate, there was also a stiffness to them that made the exercises difficult. His skin had begun to turn tough, and despite daily applications of lotion, was scaly. It was just another grim reality I was forced to face without the option of a filter.

I had also begun to suffer my own side effects. My shoulders ached with fatigue, and my body drooped in exhaustion. The wear on my physical state weakened my mind and emotions washed through me at a maddening level. I sat on the couch one afternoon and tears literally shuddered out of me. I wasn't crying about anything in particular, emotion had just manifested itself in a physical reaction. I was caught off guard when I noticed Edward had come into the room.

We had both been unwaveringly concentrated on Charlie's care and needs. Although the attraction between us was still looming and I was bound to it, but there were no more intentions of acting on it, thoughts of my dad dominated the atmosphere of my mind.

"Do you want to talk about anything, Bella?" Edward asked, seeming hesitant to approach me.

"I'm not so sure I'm a worthy conversationalist at this point," I confessed, sniffling. He had seen me cry so many times, I was hardly shy about it anymore.

After a few more stationary moments, he finally made his way over and took the seat next to me.

He leaned on his elbow against the back of the couch and his body was tilted towards me.

"Maybe you should take some time, get out today," he suggested.

"I can't leave; bad things tend to happen when I take those kinds of liberties."

"Unfortunate coincidences; it's not like you trigger these things."

"I feel like I do." I was rotating my shoulder in an attempt to alleviate the stress held there.

"Did you ever redeem that massage?" he asked, his eyes traveling to my shoulders before returning to connect with mine. I basked in the feeling of his eyes on me.

I was so lost in my observation of him, it took me a minute to realize he was talking about the Christmas gift he had given me.

"I actually forgot about it." I hoped he could hear the apology in my voice.

"Well, why don't you go get it and make an appointment for her to come out? That way you can do something for yourself without ever leaving the house." He had an expectant look on his face.

"You mean right this moment?" I asked.

"Why not?" He raised both brows, looking irresistible in the process.

I put both fists on the seat of the couch and pushed myself up. I glanced back at Edward; his face was brightened by a wide smile. An avalanche of feelings for him rumbled through my body at the realization that my happiness was important to him. It was plain on his face, and I couldn't help but smile myself as I turned the corner and headed up the stairs.

I rummaged through my desk drawer before finding the certificate underneath the Christmas card he had given me. I couldn't stop myself from picking up the card and reading it again. Christmas seemed like ages ago. The words echoed through my memories as I read them once more. When I put it back in the drawer, the application for culinary school caught my eye. Instead of closing the drawer and forgetting about it, I took it out and, for reasons unclear to even myself, filled it out. I wasn't ready to send it, but I placed it into an unsealed envelope and slid it back into the drawer, ready for future mailing. Only after that did I realize that I had left my cell phone downstairs, so I skipped down the stairs to retrieve it. For a moment, I allowed myself to indulge in thoughts of a much needed massage and Edward.

Edward was sitting right where I had left him fifteen minutes prior.

"I thought I scared you away," he mused.

"No, I just got distracted by something. Sorry, didn't mean to leave you hanging."

"It's okay; I was just chilling out. I've been tired myself." He did look a little worn out, but he wore fatigue well. I wanted to know his secret to making dark circles look sexy.

I sat back down after picking up my phone. It would have felt so natural, so easy to lean into him, but I knew that would be pressing things.

"Is it this job that's wearing you out?"

"I'm sure work is a part of it, but I haven't been sleeping well for some reason. I haven't run in weeks. It would probably help."

"Maybe _you_ should be the one taking a break. You could take a couple of extra days off next week?"

"No, that's not what I was trying to say," he answered.

"I know you're not. You've been here without fail; I just thought you would like the option."

"I'm good. Besides, a day or two off means less of-" He stopped abruptly.

"Less what?" I asked.

"Nothing," he answered, diverting his gaze.

"That wasn't nothing. Tell me what you were going to say, please?" I was far too curious to let it go.

He hesitated, and I saw the muscle of his jaw flex. "Shit, Bella. I was about to say." He took a deep breath and with the exhale came his answer. "You."

_Crap. Crap. Crap. _I was beet red in the turn of a second, and I couldn't hold in my smile.

"Oh," I stammered, surprised. _Were we approaching that forbidden cross road?_

I sucked in my own breath as the silence thickened between us.

I reached out to grip his arm and reassure him. I waited for him to look into my eyes again and I put on as serious an expression as I could muster. "Edward, it's alright. I'm not going to throw myself at you." My tone was light, edging on playful and it did the trick, he laughed.

I wanted him to feel comfortable sharing his feelings with me. I needed him to know that it wasn't going to result in a momentary loss of sanity on my part; I had learned from that stupid fight to count my blessings, and he lingered at the top of the list of those blessings.

"So are you going to call the masseuse or what?" he asked, effectively rerouting the conversation.

"I'll do it right now," I answered, my voice peppery.

"I'm going to go check on Charlie."

"Okay," I agreed happily.

I made the appointment for the following week and my thoughts returned to the present. I was admittedly giddy at the small conversation between us. I knew without a doubt he had feelings for me. I did not know whether either of us would be able to act on what was happening, but I was content to know I hadn't imagined the whole thing. _Edward Cullen didn't want a day off because he would miss me_. It was enough to keep the tears at bay for the rest of the night.

As the wall between us finally disintegrated into nothingness, another piece of news was headed in my direction. It would be another unexpected fork in the road, the kind that caught you off guard in ways you never would have guessed.

A few days later, after it took nearly two hours to get Charlie situated in bed, Emmett called out of the blue. I was already depleted by the long, physically demanding day and definitely not in the mood for conversation.

"Em, it's almost eleven," I answered.

"I was taking a chance. _Hello_ by the way."

"Hi. So, what brings you to call?" I walked up the stairs and flipped on the light in my bedroom.

"Well, we haven't really talked since our date." He was presumptuous as ever.

"It wasn't a date," I digressed.

"Yeah, it was, and things happened."

"Really, Em? You're calling to talk about nothing?" I was a tad irritated.

"No, believe me, it was something." He let go of a seductive laugh; I grew more irritated.

"You know it's been a bitch of a day, actually month, so-" He cut me off.

"Sorry, Iz. Really. What's going on with Charlie?"

"He's..." I hesitated. "Declining."

"Are you serious?" He did not hide his concern, its aura was plain in his tone.

I plopped down on my bed.

"Yes, very. It sucks, it really, really sucks. I don't like saying it, but he's not the same." A knot formed in my gut at the admission.

"Why didn't you call me?" he asked.

_Edward. _My mind came up with that answer all on its own, good thing my mouth remained a fortress.

"I barely have time to breathe let alone pick up the phone."

He let go of a brawny sigh.

"Sorry, I really don't want to upset you. There's something else I wanted to tell you."

"You have news?" I asked, wondering what could possibly inspire him to call me at such a late hour.

"Yes, and you were the first person I wanted to share it with."

I had to admit that made my heart flutter just a bit.

"Share away."

"I was scouted by a firm in Chicago, and I accepted an offer a few hours ago."

I didn't know what to say and was all sorts of confused about how the revelation made me feel.

"Congratulations." A bland response at best. "When do you leave?"

"Two weeks," he answered.

"I'm happy for you."

"Are you?"

"Yes, just a little caught off guard, that's all."

The next thing he blurted out was even more shocking. "I wish you would join me there someday."

I grimaced and grew immediately more confused. "You're funny. I'm not moving across the country with my ex-husband." I laughed absentmindedly.

It was his usual nature to press further, but to my great relief, he didn't.

"I want you to call me when things change, okay? I want to be there for you. I even told my new employer that I would have to come back here when things took a turn."

"I can't believe you're leaving," I avoided.

"Iz."

"Em."

"I'm telling you right now, I need you to keep me informed. Don't make me find out after the fact through Alice."

"I'll let you know. And, I'm happy for you. I am."

"You sound like you're trying to convince yourself," he assumed.

I yawned deeply, my eyes squinting shut. "No, I'm just...exhausted."

"I'll let you go, sweet dreams."

"Love ya."

"You too, Iz." I heard the sound of a kiss against the speaker and then he was gone.

I put the phone down and turned off the light. It was disgusting, but I was just too riddled with fatigue to wash my face. I crawled beneath the covers and snuggled in.

I couldn't believe Emmett was moving away and now that it had time to settle into my brain, I felt a little sad. We talked infrequently and rarely saw each other, but he had always been there – a three hour drive away. He was my fall back guy. I always thought he would be there if I wanted him back – _I didn't_- and soon he would be a flight away rather than a drive away. He was another person in my life moving on, branching out, while my world grew smaller around me. I was in a day-to-day mode and didn't have the luxury of planning too far into the future. I thought about my completed application, sealed in an envelope and tucked away in my desk drawer. Something inside me wanted to stick it in the mail the following day, but I immediately felt guilt weigh on my conscious at wanting something that meant the demise of my dad. I barely had the will to brush the thought aside as I was sucked into the tresses of sleep.

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	23. Chapter 23

**Thanks to Saluki, beta, friend and overall awesome person. **

**Thanks to those of you reading, too! **

**Charlie's birthday awaits you. **

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Chapter 23

The dawning of May brought with it less pluvial weather. The skies were scattered with clouds, but the sun was more prevalent, paving the way for luscious blooms and vibrant new greenery. Birds were hurried as they diligently made their nests, while squirrels scampered from here to there and engaged in play as they chased each other around the tree trunks. Spring in Forks brought with it an untapped_ joie de vivre. _Unfortunately, the sunny weather wasn't the only change in my environment.

Emmett was gone. There would be no more surprise run-ins in Seattle-not that I made trips there anymore- and no more confusing non-dates He was in another world now. Perhaps in an attempt to stay connected, he began emailing me twice a week. I always responded to at least one of the messages in order to let him know that no matter what, I still cared.

Alice was in the brambles of designing her line, consumed by her May deadline. I missed her terribly but at the same time was incomprehensibly happy for her; she was on the verge of attaining one of her lifelong dreams. She would achieve them all, no doubt. If Charlie's birthday wasn't such a huge occasion, I would have put it off so that she could come, but as things were going, I could hardly wait for the day to arrive.

The week of his birthday found Charlie in good spirits despite the fact he had continued to decline. He grew more tired with each passing day, fighting the disease with every ounce of will he had. He had lost all ability to control his legs, though they ached and left him in unrelenting pain. His breathing was also troubled, and he spent eighty percent of his time on the bi-pap. Every day I rose to face the heartbreak of his deteriorating state, but I held my head high and wore a smile, trying to encourage him with my own brave stance.

Edward remained constant and upped his visits to five days a week. He had even offered to stop by on a sixth, but I protested; I could handle two days on my own with Charlie. Sleep had become less of a priority for me. I often stayed up until the wee hours of the night until my dad finally succumbed to his own fatigue. He never said so, but I think that falling asleep actually frightened him; he was afraid of not waking up. I didn't want him to be alone and I didn't want to be alone myself. Although my room was only up the stairs, it was across the world as far as I was concerned. I think I was subconsciously aware that he was in his final days but consciously it wasn't registering.

I was a closeted trust fund kid, but like my father, preferred to live a simpler lifestyle. My grandmother had established it for me when I was born, contributing to it annually, and a large sum was deposited upon her death. I rarely discussed it and hardly even acknowledged it. Money couldn't save my dad's life, but there was never a time I was more thankful for it than during the course of his sickness. Without that trust fund I was inexplicably embarrassed of, I wouldn't have been able to be at my dad's side, caring for him in the way that I was. For the birthday celebration -again thanks to the trust- I spared no expense. I made homemade red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting, Charlie's favorite. I had filet mignon for fourteen ready to grill and the ingredients to make a Béarnaise sauce to _live _for. Caesar salad with homemade dressing and croutons, twice baked potatoes with chives, sharp Cabot cheese and apple wood smoked-bacon, sautéed mushrooms rounded out the menu.

Billy and the dedicated gentlemen of the Forks police force helped with the arrangements for the party. It was going to be a small affair, though hearty in celebration and spirit.

It took me a great deal of thought to decide on his gift. Gifts seemed trivial in the midst of terminal illness. I wanted to give him the unattainable: the use of his legs so he could drive or an automatic extension on his life expectancy. Instead I ended up with a literal interpretation of the latter, a pocket watch. It was exquisite yet simple, sterling silver with a window on the back side that allowed for viewing of the seventeen jewel mechanical movement. Mirror finish Roman numerals were embossed on the mother of pearl face. On the outside the initials _C.S._ were engraved in elegant script and on the inside a simple message: _Love forever, Bella_. The watch sat in a silk lined box, soft, royal blue velveteen covered the outer surface. I decided I would give it to him after the other guests had left.

Edward arrived at nine o'clock in the morning on the day of Charlie's birthday. It was a beautiful Saturday, the birds singing their elation to the world, twittering at each other from the tree tops. The sun was out in hearty force, very thinly veiled by the scant cloud cover. As I grabbed the newspaper from the porch I took a deep inhale of fresh air, the bouquet of spring flowers stinging sweetly in my nose. It was going to be a good day.

Charlie was still in deep slumber when Edward arrived; I was already busy in the kitchen.

Edward rolled up the sleeves of his pale olive shirt, which showcased the brilliant hue of his eyes, and asked, "Can I help you with anything?"

I could have conquered the meal all on my own, but I craved his company so I answered, "How do you feel about mushrooms?"

He looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, "They're a bit spongy, earthy, are excellent with steaks, tasty on a burger..." he trailed off.

I laughed out loud. "Well, I didn't want a full critique; I just thought you could quarter them for me. Here," I said, handing him the bowl. "They're already cleaned and the cutting board is on the island."

He laughed, almost to himself, as he turned around and set the bowl down next to the cutting board.

"Quartered?" he queried.

"Yes, they soak up the marinade more effectively that way," I responded, running the cool water in the kitchen sink.

"You're quite chipper this morning," he observed as I heard the sound of the knife making contact with the cutting board.

"My dad is fifty-five today; he made it to another birthday. I have no reason not to be _chipper," _I answered as I scrubbed the potatoes clean at the sink.

"It is a day to celebrate, without a doubt," he agreed.

We worked together in comfortable quiet for about twenty minutes. The potatoes were in the oven, baking for the first time, and the mushrooms were quartered and ready to be sautéed. As I set to work on frosting the cupcakes, Edward decided to check on Charlie.

He was gone for a while and after fifteen minutes I assumed he was awake. I washed my hands and toweled them dry before heading in to wish him happy birthday.

He was all smiles.

"Bella, my girl. Come give your old man a hug." _It was definitely going to be a good day._

Edward slipped out of the room as I came in; maybe he wanted to give us a moment.

I practically jumped on the bed. "Happy birthday, Dad." I hugged him close, feeling his thin frame beneath my worried hands.

"Yep, that's right, happy birthday to me." He was still himself; still my dad, daddy, Charles Swan. The disease could not pilfer what made him, _him._

"Do you want me to help you get ready?"

"Aren't you busy in the kitchen?" he answered back.

"A little."

"Send Edward in, he gets paid to do this shit. Besides, I'm looking forward to your cooking." I couldn't stifle my giggle. Yep, same old Charlie.

"You are? Are you hungry?"

"Not yet, but I will be, honey." It warmed me to know that he was looking forward to his birthday meal. Some days he didn't even have solid food anymore.

"Good. That makes me happy. I'll send Edward in again; are you sure I can't get you anything?"

"Not now, honey." A wide smile brightened his face as I turned and left the room.

While I was in the midst of preparing all the accoutrements for the potatoes, the phone rang.

I answered, "Hello."

"B!" Alice's exuberant voice broadcasted through the receiver.

"Hey, how are you?"

"In the trenches, but nothing is more important than wishing Charlie Bear happy birthday today." I laughed; only Alice could get away with fluffy terms of endearment for him.

"He'll be happy you called. And, woman, I miss you."

"Yeah, I miss you too. We got spoiled seeing each other so frequently last year, didn't we?'

"Totally, I'm in withdrawal. It doesn't matter that we didn't see each other for that one two year stint, now going without you is just killer."

"Yeah, I'm addictive; you really shouldn't try and quit me." Her laughter tinkled through the phone.

"I don't want to."

"So how are things anyway? Your last email made things sound pretty grim," her voice was suddenly loaded with concern.

I swallowed hard. "He's not getting better and I know he's not going to. Despite the blinding awareness, my mind is still resisting the truth. But, today none of that matters. It's all about celebration, and he's feeling pretty good from what I can tell."

"Small victories, right?" she said quizzically.

"Exactly. How's Jasper?" I asked, honestly curious.

"He's actually gone to Los Angeles. He's taking a three day master class. It's probably a good thing he's away, this deadline has me frantic."

"It's going to be incredible," I assured her.

"We'll see; I know I've given all of myself over to it, so I can't be disappointed in my effort."

"I can't wait to see it."

"Enough about me, sweetie, how are _you?"_

"Up and down. The whole Emmett thing threw me; I'm still kind of processing that."

"Really?" She sounded skeptical.

"Yeah, I know; it shouldn't get to me but it's...strange. Not to mention I'm in dire need of some loving, if you know what I mean." I spoke in hushed tones and glanced around to make sure I was still alone.

"Well, what about Edward?" Forget the old "E" and get it on with the new "E.""

"You did not just say that." I hoped she caught on to the eye-roll through the phone.

"Um, yeah, I did. What's up with Edward?" Her insistence was penetrating.

I smiled to myself when I thought about Edward missing me. "I think he might like me."

"_Might_ like you? You two are slower than molasses. Seriously, when are you personally going to evaluate his bedside manner?"

I laughed boisterously. "It's not like that. We're...innocent, and besides that, my dad is in need of our undivided attention these days. I want time with him way more than I need sex."

She relented. "Okay, I'll back off, for now. Can I talk to the birthday boy?"

"Yes," I answered, proceeding down the hall.

"I love you, Bella."

"I love you more," I retorted.

"Not possible," she argued as I entered the bedroom.

"Hey, dad, someone wants to say happy birthday."

"Here he is," I said to Alice before handing my dad the phone.

Edward was actually messing with Charlie's hair – which he himself never fussed over. Even Edward looked a little awkward, obviously slightly out of his comfort zone. With every action he grew more attractive, especially surprisingly touching moments like that. He tilted his head and offered up a slanted smile before I left the room.

As I walked out I heard my dad growl lazily into the phone; Alice must have called him "Charlie Bear" after all. I think she was referring to the "teddy" variety, but to hear my dad growl in attempt to be grizzly made me feel absolutely giddy.

By three-thirty I had completed all of the food prep and even managed to get dressed and ready myself. I loved my dress; it was a silk, grayish-lavender cargo dress, fitted at the waist with casually rolled up elbow-length sleeves. Not only was it comfortable, I felt pretty in it. I paired it with black gladiator sandals that Alice had sent me randomly a month earlier, claiming they were one of the hottest trends for summer. I would probably be the laughing stock of town had I worn them out. Since the food was done, I wore my hair down; it was wavy and had volume as a result of being pulled back in a messy bun.

When I made it back downstairs, Charlie and Edward were sitting in the living room. My dad looked so good. He wore a navy blue button up shirt, the sleeves rolled stylishly to his elbows; Edward's contribution, no doubt. His pants were dark gray and he had on black loafers that were more like fancy slippers, but they worked; it was difficult to get his feet into any shoes that had laces. His face was smooth and freshly shaved, his mustache trimmed neatly.

"You look great, Dad," I said jubilantly. "Is that gel in your hair?" I quirked an eyebrow.

He scrunched his nose. "Edward was experimenting," he half-way grumbled.

I shot Edward a glance and answered back, "I kind of like it." His hair was usually an unruly mess and it looked neater, cleaner. It wasn't like Edward slicked it flat against his head, it was just tamed.

I noticed a smile barely peek out of the corners of Edward's mouth.

I looked at him and said, "Alice would approve."

He just shook his head and chuckled to himself.

An hour later Billy, Sam, and Emily had arrived. Twenty minutes after that, the remaining invitees showed up, Paul, Josh, Harry, and Sue.

I put on some Johnny Cash, Charlie's favorite; Edward helped me serve the drinks and then followed me into the backyard en route to light the grill.

"You really don't have to help anymore," I said. "You should enjoy yourself."

"I am enjoying myself," he responded quickly.

"Thanks for getting him ready today. He looks more pampered than I've ever seen him. I don't remember seeing hairstyling on your list of qualifications."

I turned on the propane and ignited the grill.

"Yeah, I know he's a woodsy, outdoors guy but today is a landmark occasion."

"It really is," I said, shutting the lid and turning to face him. "I'm happy you're here."

"Me too," he said, allowing a smile to finally break. "I like your dress, the color is gorgeous on you."

My cheeks were suddenly warm; I looked down at the ground. "Thanks."

He seemed like he wanted to say more but didn't. I felt that magnetic pull grow stronger but resisted its power. "We should go back inside. I want to soak every minute of this day in."

"After you," he said.

We reentered the party, now full of my dad's closest comrades. He and Billy were parked next to each other, laughing and carrying on like two old buzzards. Everyone was nibbling on fresh fruit; Sue had brought over a tray of beautifully arranged strawberries, apples, kiwis, and cantaloupe. Josh told a hilarious story about administering his first DUI test to the town floozy, Sherry Tenders; yes, that was her real name. He pulled her over and was assaulted by the smell of alcohol as soon as she rolled down the window. When he made her get out of the car, she insisted he give her the test claiming, "It was only fair." When she couldn't even follow the light with her eyes she resorted to getting down on her knees and begging him to let her go. When that didn't work, she laid on the road, sobbing heavily before she started laughing hysterically. Josh said he had no idea how to handle her. She was seemingly immobile and non compliant and only when he agreed to let her ride in the front of the cruiser did she stop resisting arrest. In Forks you could make those kinds of allowances. Everyone was in absolute fits as he told the story. Everyone was feeling good.

At five-thirty we sat down to dinner. The filets were grilled to perfection, cooked to everyone's preferred inner temperature, and pure decadence with the béarnaise. The mushrooms were sautéed in a simple sherry-butter reduction, the salad refreshingly crisp and the potatoes were like gourmet comfort food. Every bite complimented the next, and it seemed the guests agreed as well.

"Damn, Bella this is good eating. You're a mighty fine cook; you'd pay a high price in a restaurant for this," Billy complimented. Hums and squeaks of agreement were mumbled by everyone else. My dad winked at me, acknowledging what was our little secret. I knew without question he was thinking about my confession of wanting to attend culinary school. It made me happy that that little nugget of knowledge was something only the two of us shared.

Charlie managed to eat his entire plate of food; no one minded sitting around and talking while it took him forty-five minutes to finish; in fact, it seemed everyone took joy in watching him eat. We were all somehow bonded in those moments, sharing in something so simple yet profound. Sue, along with Josh, insisted on washing the dishes while we gathered in the living room where Charlie would open his gifts.

Once Josh and Sue had rejoined the group, I helped my dad open his gifts. Paul and Josh had gone with a practical gift; two lightweight pullover shirts with a zipper neckline and a baseball hat that said "Gone Fishin," ideal for summer and for Charlie. Sam and Emily gave him DVD box sets of _Law & Order _seasons four and five - right up his alley. Harry and Sue, bless their hearts, had one funny and one serious gift. Charlie opened the serious one first, a scrapbook hand-made by Sue that included touching letters from Billy and Harry and photos from all their years as best of buddies, mostly holding some sort of trophy fish. That made the comedic gift that much more appropriate – the Big Mouth Billy Bass. Oh yes, hours of annoyance were surely coming my way at the hands of that gift. Of course Charlie demanded that we put the batteries in right away and laughter ensued throughout the room as the fish began serenading us in blue-grass twang. Charlie opened Billy's gift last, a framed painting of a bald eagle in flight with the poem "The Eagle" by Alfred Lloyd Tennyson just below it. In between the painting and poem was a tiny spear, intended to help protect him as he soared into the afterlife. Tears were visible around the room, everyone touched by the gift between two otherwise manly men.

After he had recovered, I whispered, "Dad, I want to give you my gift in private okay?"

"Of course. I'm way too on the spot as it is." He sounded relieved.

"Thank you all, really. This birthday tops them all," Charlie announced to the room as Billy patted him on the back of the shoulder.

"We love you, man," Billy declared.

Charlie was momentarily choked up again so I swooped in for the rescue. "I think it's time for cupcakes."

I was met with hollers of approval and retreated to the kitchen to retrieve them.

I stuck a single candle in one; my dad didn't need reminding of his diminished lung capacity but he could manage the one. I had already put coffee on to brew after dinner so as I came out with the cupcake, I hit the light switch. The glow of the tiny candle barely illuminated Charlie's face, but as soon as it was in front of him everyone started singing "Happy Birthday." At the end of the song, I held the cupcake in front of my dad, he blew out the candle, and everyone cheered and whistled. It was like any other birthday, except a million times more significant and we all knew it.

Edward was puppy-like with me, following me into the kitchen as he had followed me out to the backyard earlier.

"Bella, I do have a gift for Charlie. I was hoping I could give it to him after everyone else left." I hadn't given any thought to the fact he hadn't given a gift.

"Sounds mysterious," I mused, picking up the tray of cupcakes and a handful of napkins. "That's fine; I saved mine for afterward too."

"I understand if you would rather be alone with him tonight," he offered.

I looked him straight in his sparkling green eyes and answered, "Don't be ridiculous. You're more than welcome; I think you're here more than your own home these days."

"It's my job to be here," he answered back in a beguiling tone.

"Uh huh," I responded skeptically as I departed with the cupcakes.

While the cupcakes were devoured, jovial conversation resumed and lasted for another hour. Everyone, except for Edward, left en mass; my dad looked completely tuckered out.

"I hope you don't mind that I stayed behind, Charlie. I wanted to give you my gift without the spectacle."

"I don't mind at all. Though I have to say, I'm beat. I don't know how long I'll be up. And, you didn't need to get me a gift; you do far too much for me as it is."

"Hey, I like my job, alright?" Edward insisted.

I decided to interject, "So, should we get on with the gift giving?"

"I think we'd better," my dad said slowly, fatigue evident in his tone.

"You go first," Edward and I said in the same exact breath.

"Okay, I'll go first, unless you want to," Edward offered.

"Please," I said, gesturing for him to go ahead.

He walked into the kitchen and was back in the turn of a minute with what looked like a scroll.

"I'm sorry, I didn't bring a card. But, I thought I might explain this to you."

My dad nodded and Edward continued. "Remember a few months back when we were outside looking at the stars?"

We both nodded. "Well, I was very moved by the story you told about your mother and the significance of stars. It really impacted me. So this is my gift to you; happy birthday, Charlie." He handed over the rolled up piece of paper, tied with a midnight-blue, satin ribbon. I had no idea how the piece of paper would relate to stars but I was anxious to find out.

Charlie untied the smooth ribbon with ease, barely having to pull the corner for it to loosen, and then unrolled the paper.

"Well, look at that," his sleepy voice was full of marvel.

"What is it? Let me see," I said impatiently.

"Hold your horses, this is mine." He slapped his knee and took a heavy breath before continuing. "I have my very own star. The Swan Star. Edward, this is just terrific."

"What? A star?" I asked, befuddled.

"Take a look," my dad replied, finally handing it over.

"You can register a star through the International Star Registry. I have a map and everything so that we can find it in the sky."

The certificate was pretty, outlined in gold with an elaborate font and a smattering of stars in the background. I felt the tears welling up to the surface and my heart warming at the sentiment behind the gift. In a way it was a gift for me as much as it was for my dad, a star that I could find in the sky when my dad was no longer with me. I borrowed Edward's hand over heart gesture, unable to find words to express the way the gift made me feel.

"Ingenious idea. I really appreciate it," Charlie said to Edward.

"I'm glad you like it."

"Would you like to open mine now?"

His eyes lit up, despite the fact they were heavy with exhaustion. "Been waiting all day," he answered.

I went to the bookshelf and retrieved the small box, handing it over to my dad.

"I failed to get a card, too. Open it."

He struggled a bit but finally wrestled it open, picking up the watch inside.

"Oh, Bells, this is an amazing piece," he said, turning it over in his palm. "Can you open it?"

I took it from him and opened it before handing it back to him. I watched as a tear escaped his left eye as he read the inscription. "I love you forever, my Bella."

"This way we never run out of time," I managed before choking up completely and throwing my arms around him.

"I love it," he said in a hoarse whisper. I was only vaguely aware that Edward was there observing the candid moment. In that small fraction of time it was just my dad and me.

I pulled away, wiping away the tears that had fallen.

My dad straightened to his stoic demeanor. "I hate to call it a night, kids, but I'm just spent. Help an old man to bed?"

"You're not old," I answered back.

"Alright, alright, enough. Let's go while I still have the strength to be lifted out of this thing."

"We've got you, Charlie," Edward offered.

As he wheeled down the hall, he offered up his thanks again. "This really was the best birthday ever. Thanks for all that you did, honey."

"You were worth every ounce of effort," I said as we made it to the room.

"And, Edward, thanks for gooping up my hair and helping me all day. Remind me to give you a bonus."

"Not necessary, but you're welcome," he responded with a chuckle.

We worked together to get him into bed, managing to do so in a matter of twenty minutes. Considering it usually took me close to an hour, it was a relief that Edward had stayed behind, I was quite tired myself.

As soon as the bi-pap mask was on his face, Charlie drifted off to sleep. Edward and I made our way out of the room and back to the living room.

"I think that was a success," he said, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

"Thank you for everything. It's definitely not as easy to get through the days without you. A lingering yawn escaped me.

"You're tired," he said, a smile appearing on his lips.

"I'm always tired these days."

"I should be on my way."

I wanted him to stay…I wanted to invite him upstairs… I wanted _more_.

"It's been a long day for you, too," I said instead of acting on my impulses.

"It's been a _good _day. I'm very happy to have been a small part of it."

I took a step towards him. "There was nothing small about it. Whether you like it or not, you're a part of us, Edward. You make all of this so much easier to bear. I can't believe there was even a time that I considered doing this without help."

He took a step closer to me, we were standing near enough that I could feel the heat of his body and smell his lovely, masculine scent. He pulled one hand out of his pocket and brought it to my head, stroking my hair, pushing it away from my face. I inadvertently closed my eyes, longing, waiting, hoping. I felt as he leaned closer and his breath hit my forehead before his lips followed its lead. We had been here before, shared a moment or two just like this, and it was bliss, even if it only served to increase my yearning for him.

I felt his other arm wrap around my waist and encircle me in a hug as he whispered, "I wish I could make it all go away, Bella. I wish I could save him for the world, because the world is better because he's in it." His words were steeped in sincerity and conviction. "I wish I could save him for _you._" He pressed his lips against my head again, near the hairline this time. I let myself lean against his chest, soaking up whatever it was that was happening. There was a buzzing between us, an exchange of energy I couldn't categorize.

After what seemed like several glorious minutes, he released me gently.

As I caught his eyes with my own I smiled, content in an unexpected way. "Can I send you home with some cupcakes? I have a half dozen left."

"Do you even have to ask?" he said.

"Okay, let me grab them. Promise me you'll share with your parents."

"I guess I could share," he said, pretending to be put out.

I packaged up four -two for Edward and one each for his parents- and handed over the container.

"Thank you," he said, accepting them.

"Drive safely, okay?" I requested, following him to the front door.

He grabbed me delicately just above my right elbow and squeezed. "I will, and you get some sleep. I have a feeling your dad will sleep well after today."

"Sleep will not be a problem tonight," I verified.

"See you the day after tomorrow."

I offered a slow smile and nodded just before another yawn escaped me.

He trotted down the steps and I stood on the porch and watched until he drove away.

It had most certainly been a very good day.

* * *

**Thanks again, your readership means the world!**


	24. Chapter 24

Thank you so much for reading - love you for simply being here. Thanks, as always, to my beta Saluki. Tissues may come in handy.

* * *

Chapter 24

When we were twelve, my friend Angela's mother, Georgia, was diagnosed with stage two breast cancer. Everyone was scared for her; it was the first time any of us had faced the mortality of one of our parents. Most of us grow up thinking that our parents are bullet proof, invincible, _permanent. _As a young person when the infallible is challenged and disproved, you're never the same. Angela would cry at school often and she worried constantly, but always repeated to us that her mom's doctor had reminded her, "We have every reason to hope." Sometimes it seemed that she was trying to convince herself more than she was informing us. In the end the hope was not unfounded; her mom made a full recovery and remained in remission.

I wanted to have "every reason to hope" but with a progressive, terminal illness like ALS, MS, Alzheimer's, and untreatable cancers, all you can really hope for is more time, less pain, and the unlikely event of a miracle cure. I wanted to believe with everything in me that my dad was still the super hero of my childhood, I wanted to believe that the ALS wasn't his kryptonite, that he was the exception to the rule.

For the first week after his birthday it was easy to give in to those unrealistic notions and I had a surplus of hope. Charlie was in robust form; he slept better, he spoke with more clarity, and his spirit shone brightly through his eyes. It seemed that maybe he was on the rebound from his recent setbacks and the way he felt was contagious. We decided to venture out one afternoon; I walked while he rolled down the streets of our neighborhood. We had to capitalize on his energy when it presented. The air smelled like fresh cut grass and apple blossoms, and a light, warm breeze ruffled the leaves. Before we knew it, we ended up at the hardware store. We didn't really have anything to buy but it was nice to be there, it reminded me of being dragged there by him on Saturday mornings; I grumbled the entire time. That day, however, I was happy to be there, it was just good to have Charlie out rather than stagnating in the house. The only difficult part was seeing the obvious pity in Mrs. Newton's eyes; it sort of crushed me. My dad was a pillar of strength, and I didn't want him to be victimized by invasive, sorrowful stares. We left after twenty or so minutes of perusing and talked as we leisurely made our way back to the house.

"It's so nice to be out," my dad said.

"It is. It's especially great to have you with me."

"Bella?" he asked, a question in his tone.

"Yeah?"

"I think you should send that application in. Will you do it, for me?"

"Dad, are you alright? Is there something going on that I should know about?"

"Aside from the obvious? Honey, I'm not getting any better," he said matter of factly.

"You're having a great couple of weeks. Shouldn't we just ride this wave while it lasts?"

"I see what you're saying, but why wait? Tomorrow could be completely different." I knew he wouldn't keep quiet about that application for long.

"I expect you to be here in September. And if you're here, I'm here," I stated my case.

"So? You could still apply and if you can't go in September, I'm sure they could put your application on hold."

He had a point.

"Okay," I agreed reluctantly. "I'll mail it when we get home."

He beamed and look instantly elated. "I want to put it in the mailbox. Will you bring it out for me when we get back?" He laughed and smiled like a boy.

Just like a mother of an only child, I couldn't refuse his simple request. "Sure, whatever you want."

And so, when we got back I ran upstairs and retrieved the application. I licked the envelope, sealed it, and hurried back outside.

"Wow, that was fast. How in the hell did you manage to fill out the application so quickly?"

I blushed. "I actually did it a while ago."

I handed him the envelope. He used his minute strength to open the mailbox and placed the envelope inside before putting up the flag. It was a strangely symbolic moment. He had his hand on my future, one he wouldn't be physically part of but through that small action, he _was_ a part of it.

A few afternoons later we were seemingly still riding the wave. Edward was over and I was feeling upbeat. Charlie ate a real breakfast of eggs and bacon with sourdough toast. About an hour after breakfast Edward and I helped him into bed so he could rest. His mobility had continued to disintegrate, but we worked with what was available to us. While he slept I cleaned my room and picked up the house. With the incredible amount of care he required, I found my normally stellar housekeeping skills had fallen by the way side. My clean laundry sat in an unfolded, wrinkled pile on the corner of my bed and some of my dirty laundry hadn't even made it to the basket. After I found the floor in my room again, I headed back downstairs where I found Edward doing dishes.

"Hey! You really need to stop with these acts of chivalry," I declared.

He raised a single eyebrow and snickered, ignoring my demand. "Since when is doing dishes chivalrous?"

"Well, you know what I mean." I walked over to the sink and shut off the faucet.

He held up his picturesque hands between us; they were covered in suds. "Now what am I supposed to do?" He started to reach for me with his soapy palms, but I ducked out of the way.

I rolled my eyes at him playfully. "You're so stubborn," I said in a mocking tone, turning the water back on.

"Me?" he said innocently. "I think you're projecting," he stated smugly as he rinsed his hands.

I grabbed a clean hand towel and brought it to him. He reached out for it and for some reason, I didn't let go. I was suddenly drying his hands, massaging them with the towel and he was letting me. The fabric felt rough; I wanted to feel his soft skin. A wicked grin appeared on his face and he started to lean into me. That's when we heard a furious coughing fit coming from my dad's room. The towel dropped between us as we both rushed to the bedroom.

Charlie's face was strained and red; he was choking, struggling for air. Edward was at his side first and removed his bi-pap mask, which confused me.

He looked me directly in the eyes. "Bella, find a paper bag," he instructed, absolutely calm.

I tore out of the room and ran to the kitchen, emptying the cabinet until I found a crumpled, brown paper sack.

When I reentered the bedroom, Edward had my dad in a fully upright position, supporting his weight from behind. I handed him the bag and let it go when he reached for it.

"Charlie, listen to me. I need you to try and breathe in and out of the bag." He turned his head to look at me again. "Bella, I want you to call 9-1-1, stay calm."

I didn't want to move but I had no choice. I was stricken with consternation. _Was this it? Was this the time?_ I couldn't let my mind wander to the worst and somehow convinced my feet to work. Thank goodness it was only three numbers; my hands were shaking and nervous as I dialed, and I felt like I was about to vomit.

"_9-1-1, what's your emergency?" _the operator, a man, answered.

"My dad can't breathe, please send someone quick."

"_Are you with him right now?"_

"No but…uh, we have a nurse. They're both in the other room." Somehow it escaped me in that moment that I was on a portable phone and could have walked back to the bedroom.

He confirmed my address and asked some pertinent questions for what seemed like hours.

"_Swan, as in Chief Swan?"_ he asked.

"Yes, that's my dad."

"_My name is Embry, I'm Paul's little brother. I'm so sorry Ms. Swan. They're on their way."_

"Thank you, Embry." Before he could say another word, I hung up the phone and bolted back to the bedroom.

My dad looked a bit better but he was still coughing incessantly.

"I'm o-o-kay," he said in a strangled voice. I was unconvinced.

"They're on the way."

Edward nodded. I sat down on the bed next to my dad. "Don't try to talk, just breathe."

I grabbed his hand and stroked it, attempting to comfort him while I was locked silently in a full body panic. The day had started out normally, but it wasn't anymore.

Emergency sirens sounded in the distance and their insistence increased as they drew near. It was surreal they were coming for us. I never thought about where ambulances were headed when I heard them on occasion; I never thought about who was on the other end of their pursuit. Now it was all I could think about.

The ambulance arrived seven minutes later.

Activity whirred around me as the paramedics set to work. Edward's voice was muted in the blur of action. I felt like I was in the eye of a tornado, stuck in the calm center while a fury of chaos spiraled around me.

Things seemed to happen in flashes. Four paramedics worked on his stats. Then they were lifting him out of the bed onto the stretcher. Charlie's breathing still hadn't settled, so they secured an oxygen mask over his face and wheeled him out the door.

"Can I ride with you?" I asked, though I didn't intend to take no for an answer.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Swan, but we can't allow that. There isn't adequate space."

"Bella, I'll take you. We'll follow right behind," Edward said, taking initiative.

"I want to be with you," I said, looking in my dad's worried eyes. I wasn't intentionally ignoring Edward, just completely fear-stricken.

"I'm okay," he mouthed at me.

I trusted him but what I saw betrayed his assurance.

I felt Edward's firm grip on my shoulder. "Let's go, Bella. If we leave now we can be there when he arrives."

I kissed my dad on the cheek just before they loaded him into the ambulance.

Edward opened the passenger door for me and quickly made his way to the driver's side to get in himself. I sat down in the car, overwhelmed by what was unfolding. As we pulled away from the curb, I felt Edward's hand on my knee. "He's going to be okay." He believed what he was telling me, but could I?

"I just want to get there. I can't handle this. I'm not ready, Edward. I'm not ready."

"You'll never be ready. But...really, he's in good hands right now, and I'm sure he will pull through this. You have every reason to hope for that."

The words echoed of the past, taking me back to when Angela's mother was ill. But my dad was terminal, was hoping at this point a dangerous gamble of the heart?

Edward moved his hand from my trembling knee and grabbed my hand. He could have been going one-hundred-and-twenty miles per hour and it wouldn't have been fast enough for me, but his touch somehow subdued my frazzled nerves. I heard the sirens coming from behind us making a rapid approach.

We pulled up to the hospital just seconds before the ambulance itself; Edward dropped me off at the curb. I was relieved to see there were nurses and doctors there waiting. I was even more relieved to see my dad's eyes were still open and that he was conscious as they unloaded him. As they wheeled him in, one of the paramedics relayed to the awaiting ER crew everything that they knew. A load lifted off my shoulders as I watched the color return to my dad's cheeks. He looked less sallow, but he was frightened, the emotion plain in his eyes.

Edward appeared at my side a few minutes later, just as they were wheeling Charlie into one of the patient bays. As they poked and prodded, listened to his lungs and heart, and hooked him up to an army of monitors, he looked increasingly agitated and upset. I wanted to be by his side but there were too many other people around him. Edward stood behind me, his hands rubbing down the sides of my arms. He was trying to soothe me, but I was a wreck inside.

"I called my dad; he'll be down as soon as he can."

"What's happening?" I asked, desperate for information. I couldn't glean anything from the garbled conversation among the medical personnel.

"I wish I could answer the question for you. Maybe the pneumonia has resurfaced."

An hour later, Edward's speculative answer was confirmed - the pneumonia had returned with a vengeance. Charlie was admitted to the hospital once again. In addition to antibiotics, he had to have nebulizer treatments every four hours to dry his lungs from the inside out. Dr. Cullen came down about a half an hour after Charlie was settled in his room, which he fortunately was not sharing with anyone. Dr. Cullen showed us the chest x rays the ER doctor had ordered. He pointed out the different shadings on the film; it was hard to ignore the amount of white, which indicated fluid. His left lung was ninety-percent full, and his right was at forty-five percent congested.

Dr. Cullen patiently took the time to explain the information the ER doctor had just glossed over. "They have you on a very aggressive course of treatment. The nebulizer treatments contain an expectorant, and you should prepare for some coughing once they start to take effect. You will be on one-hundred percent oxygen and the bi-pap at all times, and the antibiotics are being administered through the IV. Unfortunately, it's not a mild case this time. Are you ready to fight this?"

My dad nodded and let out a raspy, "Yes."

"Good man," Dr. Cullen responded.

"How are you, Bella? Do you have any questions?"

"No. None that I can think of at the moment. Thanks, Dr. Cullen."

"Please, call me Carlisle. I think we can drop the formalities from here on out." He offered me a warm smile and his voice was smooth as velvet. It was evident he cared for my father. As I was sure it had with so many others, Charlie's case impacted him on a deeper level. I was confident Carlisle was well loved by all of his patients; he had a way of making you feel like you were the top priority on his list – that was something hard to come by with physicians, at least in my experience.

Before he left, Carlisle motioned for me to follow him out of the room and spoke to me directly. "Your dad is going to be exhausted, more so than you've probably ever seen. Don't be surprised if he sleeps the entire time, except when they wake him, of course. I know it's not easy, but you should do what you can to rest up; he's going to need your strength and aid when he's released."

I latched on to his last words with desperate need for confirmation and assurance. "So you think he'll be able to come home?"

"I do. But keep in mind, things can change quickly." His tone was confident but cautious.

"I appreciate you being here today. Thanks for explaining things."

"My patients mean a great deal to me, and from the moment I met your father in particular, I felt a connection with him. I want to be here, as difficult as it may be to see the disease take its toll. Charlie has been a fighter from the moment I met him, and that is something to see. He's an inspiration."

"Thank you, again. Without you...without Edward, I just... I would have been lost in all of this."

"It's hard to ask for help, I know. I believe that everything happens for a reason, Bella. Your timing lined up well with Edward's need for employment. I'm very grateful myself that he has had such an opportunity." He looked at his watch. "I'm sorry but I need to get back to my office; my afternoon is solidly booked."

"Thanks again."

He nodded, turned on his heel and, walked down the hall towards the elevator.

For the first forty-eight hours, my dad showed almost no sign of improvement. My fear began to eat at me, despite Edward's continual assurance that he would pull through. I stayed at the hospital the first two nights. The nurse on the graveyard shift said they had plenty of empty beds so I could stay in the room with my dad. Edward attempted to get me to go home to shower and get a change of clothes, but I resisted. Carlisle had been right; Charlie slept constantly and was barely coherent when the nebulizer treatments were administered. On the afternoon of the third day, I finally saw a change in his condition, though I couldn't exactly be excited about it. He started coughing, a sharp, miserable, meaty cough. I could hear the congestion percolate in his chest, but nothing would come up. Edward indicated the medicine was starting to take effect, which was good – we wanted that congestion to break up. I had no choice but to head home for the third and fourth nights as the hospital population had grown and I could no longer stay with my dad. It was difficult to leave, but the nurses were so gracious and assured me they would call me directly if anything came up with Charlie. I slept haphazardly at best, tossing and turning in my normally comfortable bed. By the time I returned on the fourth morning, he was finally expelling phlegm. I never, ever, thought I would be excited by such a thing, but it gave me hope that recovery was possible. On the fifth day, he was finally more alert and a chest x ray showed that his right lung had cleared and his left lung was at about fifty percent congested, a marked improvement all around. On the sixth morning, he was cleared for release, and by five in the evening, he was discharged. Edward was there to help me get him home; we all rode in his car since we didn't have a wheelchair to transport.

We brought him directly to the bedroom and eased him into the bed. We also had new accessories. The nebulizer treatments would continue until the congestion had dissipated, though it was unlikely that the congestion would dissolve entirely. We had also acquired a bedside urinal and commode, as getting him up out of bed and to the bathroom would require a much greater effort. As long as I had my dad, the unpleasant tasks that I faced as a result didn't faze me. Edward worked with me to show me how to use my body weight to assist Charlie in and out of bed when he couldn't be there. Without me asking, he began stopping by daily to at least check on us. Most days, Edward found us in Charlie's bedroom, , watching _Law & Order _and the _History Channel_.

He slept during the day, more than at night – I think sleeping in the daylight gave him a measure of comfort. We stayed up until the wee hours of the morning; he would share stories from his childhood and his time as Chief of Police in a slow, painful dictation that I absolutely reveled in. I tried to commit every detail to memory and relish every word that exited his lips.

A few weeks later, I finally went through the pile of mail that had overflowed the mailbox. When I stumbled upon the envelope from the Seattle Art Institute, I tore it open.

I was excited to an impossible point when I read the first line, _Congratulations Ms. Swan, you have been accepted to our Culinary Arts program beginning in the Fall semester. _

I jumped out of the kitchen chair and ran to my dad's room. He was sound asleep so I sat in the armchair and waited for him wake up. It took so much to contain myself during those two hours. When he opened his eyes I practically jumped him.

"Dad! I got in!"

"You what?" he asked groggily.

Instead of exploding from the mouth, I handed him the letter. It shimmied as he held it in his unsteady hand, but the smile that appeared on his face told me everything I needed to know.

He put the letter down and patted the spot on the bed next to him. I took a seat.

"I'm so proud of you. This is the happiest I've been in a very long time." I saw tears beginning to flood the corner of his eyes. He put his hand on mine. "I know you didn't follow a conventional path and that you may have strayed off course here and there, but I want you to know...I _need _you to know that I have always, always felt pride when I look at you and see the girl I raised and the woman you've become. My only wish anymore is for you to be happy, healthy, and whole. I want you to have what you want and _who_ you want." I noticed a sparkle in his eye, even through my tear-blurred view. It had taken him nearly fifteen minutes for him to make his statement and it hit me right in the gut with the concentrated power of a weighted punch.

"Dad, I-uh...I am happy. I can't believe I got in," I blubbered.

"It's alright; you can ignore what I just threw out there. But, Bella, you're my daughter and I notice things that you probably think I wouldn't. Just know, you have my blessing."

_Was he referring to Edward?_ He had to be, there was no other explanation that fit his declaration.

I didn't see any reason for denial or confirmation so I replied simply. "Thanks...I think. I don't know what the future holds but if he is a part of it, I'm thankful I have your approval. Just promise me you'll keep fighting? Nothing makes me happier than the time I have with you." There was not time to waste or take for granted anymore; I knew it in my soul and my bones. I didn't want to be shy with my words.

He nodded at me fervently.

"You amaze me, my Bella."

"You amaze me, Dad."

He drifted back to sleep, just like that. I hovered over him like a mother with her newborn, reminded once again how childlike the sick could be. He was dependent on me, but as much as he depended on me, I depended on him. His breathing alone was the ultimate emotional crutch, the beating of his heart was the blood in my veins; I didn't know how I could ever go on without him. The only thing that told me I could and would was the promise that I made to him.

I didn't know how many goodbyes I could withstand but more goodbyes meant more time, and that was all I was after with him.

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We're getting close to the toughest parts - I hope you'll hang in there with me and thank you for reading!


	25. Chapter 25

**This entire story is very personal to me as it is based on my own experience. This chapter in particular is very close to my heart and is written based on some very intimate moments from my personal history. Tissue warning. Thanks as always for reading and to my beta Saluki.**

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Chapter 25

Charlie recovered from his pneumonia after four weeks, but he was never the same again. As the days grew warmer, beckoning me to come outside, things continued on a downhill course on the inside. It broke my heart.

I spent every moment I could spare at his side, choking on my swallowed tears. He was still my dad but seemed so fragile, so much more breakable. He slept nearly eighteen hours a day, and when awake his movement was delayed. Wearing the bi-pap constantly gave him severe dry mouth, but it was hard for him to even swallow water anymore, taking small sips through a straw helped. His legs were completely immobile and anchored him to his bed. He was slipping away and I was clinging to whatever I could.

Edward began making daily visits. On Sundays he would only stop by briefly, it was his day of respite. I knew he would be there if I needed him, but he deserved space to recover from the demands of his job. He insisted that he would be there night and day, all I had to do was say the word and he would do it.

Billy started coming by every couple of days. Sometimes Charlie didn't even wake up while he visited, but he always stayed for a few hours, just sitting there in the room. Sometimes he would talk to him while he slept, relaying the latest sports statistics or recalling one of their many outings. One day he got lucky, it was a "good day" meaning that Charlie was alert and awake for more than two hours. I decided they should have their time, their own opportunity to say things two men are only comfortable saying to each other in private. Edward was there that afternoon as well and he followed me when I walked outside to sit on the front porch. I sat on the top step with my legs stretched down the ramp. He sat down next to me, close enough that our bodies were joined at the side. It was comforting to have human contact.

"Are you holding up okay?" His calming voice blanketed me in its silk.

"No, I'm a wreck inside, but I'm trying to keep it together for him." His arm swept around me, he pulled me into him and the damn broke. I had been holding back the tears for too long and they wouldn't stop. I felt Edward gulp as he held me close.

"I'm here for you. I know that's hardly a comfort but-"

I cut him off delicately as I sniffed. "It's more comfort than you realize."

He was quiet after that, as he held me there for a while, mitigating the pain through actions rather than words. I was comfortable, feeling his breath in my hair as his heart pounded against his chest. He surrounded me, making up for the absence of Alice in that moment. He was my net, my cradle, my cocktail and my rock, and he asked for nothing in return.

But, when it came down to it, I needed my girl. I called Alice shortly thereafter. Her line was complete but not yet presented, but I couldn't wait any longer. I hardly held myself in at the seams as I told her about Charlie. She booked a ticket to fly out the following day.

Since I had given my word, I also called Emmett. He was in the midst of an intense training program for his new job so I insisted he see it through. I told him I would call when I knew things were taking a definite turn. I hoped I would know in time to make that call.

When Alice arrived on my doorstep, she dropped her bags and flung her arms around me and the sobbing commenced. Having her there somehow made what was happening more real. She had been a part of my life for so long and loved Charlie, too. She only had a few days to spend before she had to return to present her finished line. She had brought a few of the pieces with her and excitedly shared them with Charlie and me.

The first two dresses she pulled out were very feminine, romantic with an edge due to the dark tones and satin sheen of the fabric. Alice was more sleek and slinky in the way she dressed, but I could see her exquisite expression in them both.

"They are very Goddess like, just beautiful. My best friend is going to be famous!"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves, B. It's funny you say goddess though, I refer to it as goddess-chic." Her voice was buoyant and lively, so refreshing.

"I can see it on the runway."

"Thanks, love. But, hold your breath, because I saved the best for last! It's sort of a surprise. It's a more casual piece."

We waited as she unzipped the garment bag and pulled out a dark blue, stylish, exquisitely crafted cargo dress. It was tailored to perfection.

"That's my favorite," Charlie offered, as Alice held it up in front of her before approaching his bed.

She sat down on the edge. "I'm so happy you said that. This dress is called the Charlie." I heard my own hard swallow.

"Really?" my dad asked, his eyebrows raised in an expression of awe.

I could see Alice was holding back tears. "Mmm, hmm. The color is an ode to your years on the force and I have this idea for a embroidering a sheriff's star in matching thread on the pocket. It would be subtle."

"I don't know what to say." And then Charlie broke down in tears. "I'm so proud of you, honey."

He reached out his arms and Alice submitted herself to them. Alice clung to him and I filed the image of them embracing in my memories.

We spent the rest of that afternoon catching up; Charlie ended up falling into a heavy sleep around five for the night.

"What you did for him is so sweet," I said gratefully to her.

"It sort of came to me. I was at the fabric store and I saw the material and had a flashback of Charlie, trolling us around in his patrol car, pretending we were under arrest. I just knew it had to be made."

"He's fading," I said, resigned.

Her bottom lip trembled. "I know."

We hugged constantly over the next few days and cried enough tears to fill an ocean. We never really left the house, but Edward spent extra time with Charlie so that we could have our girl time. It was a time of oasis in my desert of sorrows.

The next three weeks marked the hardest of the arduous journey through terminal illness. Charlie couldn't get out of bed any more. He could still lift his arms, use his hands, turn his head and talk – which was truly fortunate. During the end stages of ALS it was common for patients to lose the ability to speak. Even if he could only say a few words in slow succession, and his voice was only a ghost of its former self, he could still communicate. Edward fulfilled his role with professionalism, but also an incredible tenderness. He bathed my dad in bed and changed his clothing as well. He made sure that Charlie used a bedpan and the urinal rather than strip him of his dignity by suggesting diapers.

By far the most awful, horrible side effect was the water blisters. Charlie's legs, filled with an over abundance of resting fluid, developed huge sacs of water on the surface. In order to avoid infection, he had to have a rather excruciating debriding procedure. Despite a local anesthetic, the procedure was painful and took nearly three hours to complete. I averted my eyes to what was going on as I held my dad's hand. I was screaming inside as I watched tears fall from the corner of his eyes and trail down his cheeks. It was evident he was in pain, but as always, he remained a pillar of strength, the tears his only sign of distress. After the doctor had completed removing the skin, he bandaged his legs. The dressing had to be changed daily, and that was no walk in the park either. I would sit and hold my dad's hand while Edward did what I couldn't have. The dressing would stick to and pull at the new skin as it was removed. Edward worked slowly, patiently, minimizing the suffering as much as he could. On the third or fourth day after the initial treatment, I felt physically ill. I had to bolt upstairs as soon as Edward had finished. I vomited up the minute contents of my stomach in a violent rush.

Edward would stay with us until ten or eleven at night, a few times he even stuck around until midnight. He never wavered.

Sam and Paul stopped by one afternoon for a visit. They spent about twenty minutes with a weary Charlie, who was happy to see them even if he couldn't keep his eyes open for long. I could see in their eyes that they were pained by Charlie's weakened state, but they managed to keep an upbeat demeanor around him.

The long procession of goodbyes continued.

The Clearwaters spent a Sunday afternoon with us. Edward had already come and gone – I still insisted he needed the day off. Sue brought over a homemade summer peach pie; it was heavenly and I devoured two slices. I cut a small slice into smaller morsels and fed them to my dad. He closed his eyes as he let the small bits of fruit and pastry dissolve in his mouth. He really seemed to savor it.

He didn't really eat food anymore, but when he did, he relied on me lifting the fork to his lips and wiping the crumbs from his mouth afterward. It was humbling for both of us, but I tried to take joy in the fact that he was eating real food with real flavor rather than surviving off of bags of grayish-liquid.

July fourth was quickly approaching and, despite the fact that eating was more of a chore than a pleasure, Charlie decided he wanted to have a barbecue. Sam, Josh and Paul were going to be busy with work on the fourth itself so we decided to celebrate on the third. Later I would decide that fate had intervened, even if it really was just that the job demanded police presence on the holiday.

I was so exhausted from the care I had been giving that I couldn't put much effort into the occasion. As a result the menu was nothing gourmet, just good old fashioned Nathan's hot dogs, Emily's homemade chili, watermelon, potato salad and Sue's contribution of fresh strawberry pie.

It was the last time we were all together. It was refreshing and relieving that everyone acted normal, like it was just another gathering – there was no self-perpetuating doom clouding the day. There were no tears or looks of pity; we all just enjoyed the sunshine, good food and company. Minus a few important loved ones, this was our family. We were all bound together by the most important person in my life, Charlie. He was so happy and stayed awake for the entire five hours. He smiled, he laughed and he ate a few bites of food. He even drank a quarter-glass of beer. If I had let myself get caught up in it, I would have believed that maybe he was on the mend, but I would have been a fool to give into that notion. It was his final surge and his last goodbye to us as a collective. Edward stayed behind to help with the evening routine. Everything had gone as it had the night before. Charlie fell asleep, seemingly content with everything. He was happy. After Edward left, I changed into my comfortable clothes and snuggled into the _Lazy-boy_ that was now in Charlie's room. I had been spending my nights in there for several weeks.

At four-o-two in the morning I was awakened by the sound of choking. My dad was gasping for air just as he had a few weeks earlier. I was startled into a waking panic and my cell phone fell out of my lap as I bolted to my feet. I picked it up and dialed 9-1-1 as I moved to his side. He looked stricken with terror, his eyes were wide open and the vessels were red and raised.

"_9-1-1 what's your emergency?" _This time it was a woman that answered.

"My dad can't breathe. We're all alone...he has ALS...we're all alone," I repeated nonsensically.

"Okay, honey, take a deep breath."

She verified our location and dispatched an ambulance immediately. Charlie continued his hacking; it was so miserable and I felt helpless. I removed his mask as Edward had done the previous time and patted him on the back lightly.

"_The paramedics should be there momentarily. I'll stay on the line with you until they arrive," _she said calmly.

"N-n-n-nooo," I stuttered. "I have to call his nurse. I have to call Edward!" It came out of me like a revelation.

I didn't wait for her response before hanging up the phone and pressing "2" to speed dial Edward.

"Hello, Bella?" His voice was gravely and husky from being roused suddenly.

"It's my dad. He's choking again. I think the pneumonia is back."

"Hang up and call 9-1-1, I'm on my way." He was immediately more alert.

"I already did. Please, don't let me go. I need _you."_

"I'm here. I won't go anywhere." There was a longing in his voice that brought tears to my eyes. I knew in that moment he _wanted _to be with me and Charlie, who continued to gasp, his lungs begging for air.

I finally heard the sirens. While the time before I had noticed their approach, this time I hadn't heard the sirens until they arrived. Everything was moving in stutters again, surreal.

"They're here; I have to go get the door. I should go."

"Bella, _do not _drive yourself. Let me come get you," he pleaded.

"If I can ride with them, I'm going to. I'll let you know."

"I'm in my car now. I'll be there soon."

I hated cutting him off, but I hung up. What I hated more was the brief moment I had to leave Charlie's side to answer the door.

"Dad, I'll be right back."

I opened the door before they knocked and immediately sprinted back to my dad's side.

"We're back here," I called when I heard them come in.

There were four of them and they set to work quickly.

"Please help, please help, please help," I said over and over again under my breath. I watched them try to calm Charlie, but his coughing would not subside. One of them secured an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth while another turned to me and said, "We are going to administer some morphine. It will help his lungs relax."

"No!" I shouted inadvertently. "He doesn't want stuff like that."

"Ms. Swan, he's not getting enough oxygen. We need to act quickly."

I nodded my reluctant agreement. I needed Charlie to breathe too. The four of them lifted my dad from the bed to the awaiting stretcher after one of them had injected him with the morphine.

"Is there room for me to ride with you?"

The paramedic I had addressed put a hand on my shoulder. "I'm so sorry. There just isn't room. The other guys had already wheeled the stretcher out of the room.

I quickly caught up, grabbed my dad's hand and squeezed it. He looked at me, turmoil in his wide eyes.

He didn't need words – he was saying goodbye and I love you and it's okay with piercing clarity.

"I love you, dad. I love you. I love you. I love you." I was still repeating the words in a whisper after they loaded him in and shut the doors.

As they pulled away, sirens blaring, I was relieved to see the bright glow of headlights turn onto the street. I ran back up to the house and slammed the door shut as Edward pulled up at the curb.

I flung the door open and got in with maddened action.

"Drive," I commanded anxiously. I didn't have anything with me other than my phone, but I didn't care. The house was unlocked but the place could be ransacked and it wouldn't have bothered me. My only concern was Charlie. Nothing else mattered, _nothing._

I didn't wait for an invitation; I grabbed Edward's hand and held to it so fiercely that I was surely cutting off his circulation. The vice grip I had on him would have guaranteed my survival had I been hanging over the ledge of a cliff. It was also the first time he didn't seem to have words.

"He's going to be okay, right?" I don't know why I thought he could reassure me, he hadn't even been there for the attack. Although the attack seemed to be a mirror image of the last one, there was something unsettling about this time, something I couldn't pinpoint. I felt it though, a sense of foreboding had settled into my bones.

"I don't know, Bella. I hope so. My dad is on the way to the hospital, he wanted Charlie to have a familiar face in the sea of medical staff."

"I appreciate that." My knee shook nervously; my anxiety was making me nauseous.

"I got here as fast as I could," he offered.

"You must have driven recklessly; that was fast."

"I figured if I got pulled over there was a good chance I would know the officer."

I laughed through my nerves. Edward's phone buzzed on the center console that separated us. I released his hand.

"Dad?" he answered then listened.

"Alright, were about ten minutes away. See ya."

He hung up before saying, "The ambulance just arrived, and my dad is there."

We drove the agonizing distance, arriving about nine minutes later. It felt more like nine hours.

We didn't even stop to ask where Charlie was. Edward pulled me by the hand as we headed into the ER patient bays. We didn't have to go far; Charlie was in the first one. His eyes were closed and there were a number of people around him. It was relieved of my initial, disparaging thought when I saw his chest moving up and down.

Carlisle approached us as soon as he saw we had arrived. "He's resting comfortably right now. The morphine they gave him at the house did the trick. They've already taken a chest x-ray and drawn blood." He reached out a hand and grabbed me gently by the arm. "Now we wait. Though, I'm sure he'll be admitted."

"Thanks for being here for him."

"Of course. I know this must be frightening for him. I came as soon as Edward called me because I wanted him to have a familiar face."

"That's what Edward told me. Was he awake? Did he see you?"

"No, he was out before they brought him in. He's stable right now. That's what we need to focus on. He's still with us."

Edward moved closer to me and I took his hand again, the action felt natural. I noticed Carlisle's eyes dart downward for a brief moment, he obviously had taken note.

"Edward, are you planning on sticking around?" Carlisle sounded weary.

"Of course," he said, squeezing my hand.

"I'm going to see if I can catch some shut-eye somewhere. I'm still spent from yesterday's surgery."

"I'll let you know if anything comes up."

He nodded before directing at me, "Hang in there; maybe the worst of today is already over."

I half smiled and muttered, "I hope so."

Hours passed as Charlie slept. The pneumonia had returned and it was worse than the previous time, both lungs were eighty percent full. He slept through his admission and as he was moved to a room. It was noon but I felt as though it was seven at night. I tried not to sleep but I know I drifted a few times. I held my dad's hand and rested my head on the bed while Edward slept slouched in a chair backed up against the wall. I was afraid to leave the room because I didn't want to miss him waking up. Even though Edward was right there, I left the bathroom door slightly open when I went in to use it. Charlie didn't move and Edward didn't wake, to my relief.

I sick with exhaustion and anxious urgency for something to happen. I wanted my dad to wake up. He was on an aggressive course of antibiotics and likely remained under the effects of the morphine he had been given. Around noon, Edward woke up again. He rubbed the back of his neck, obviously the position he slept in had left him sore.

"I should get you something to eat," he said groggily.

"I really don't feel like I can keep anything down right now."

He shook his head but didn't push me. "Well, I need to eat. Do you mind if I go grab something?"

"You've been here for hours, sleeping uncomfortably from the looks of it. _Please_ get some food. Go home if you need to," I implored him.

"I'm not leaving you. I'll be back soon."

He walked out of the room and I turned my focus back towards my dad.

He lay stationary, his chest moving up and down with slow measure and tubes and wires coming out from all sides. He had a catheter inserted and wore an oxygen mask – barely clinging to his independence. I felt the tears begin to trickle out of the corners of my eyes as I grabbed his hand in mine. "Come back to me, daddy," I whispered. I had been reduced to my younger self and the thought of losing my dad scraped my heart raw. I ignored my physical manifestations of human need; the dry mouth of thirst and the deep sounds of hunger tolling within my belly. I felt grimy and in need of a shower but something told me not to leave.

Edward returned after about twenty minutes. I was lost in the observation of Charlie in repose, willing him to wake with my mind, when he came up behind me.

"I know you said you weren't hungry," he held out a large cup, "but I thought maybe you could stomach a smoothie. It's strawberry, peach and mango." He offered a pleading smile but he didn't need to ask me again.

I reached out to grab the extended cup. "Thanks. I mean...for everything." I took a long drink through the straw. The smoothie was sweet and creamy and tasted better than I wanted it to. I didn't want to focus on anything other than Charlie.

"I brought this too." He held out a bottle of water. "You shouldn't let yourself get dehydrated." His voice was rich with concern, but there was not a trace of pity.

"I'm kind of a pain in the ass to baby-sit, huh?" I asked in a moment of brief respite.

"Only because you're a fighter, stubborn, just like him." He tilted his chin in Charlie's direction.

I smiled at the vague implication of hope in his statement. He reached out, put his hand on my knee and squeezed. I felt like he was lending his strength to me, transferring his available energy with his firm touch. His eyes were connected with mine and I felt so extremely connected to him in that brief exchange that I sucked in an involuntary breath. He looked away, slightly shaking his head. _Had he felt it too?_

That moment may have gone down in the book of the unexplained, but seven hours later would have me experiencing what I could only describe as divine.

It was around eight-thirty in the evening when Charlie woke up. The sun had just dipped below the horizon, the evening sky glowing orange just outside the window. The television was tuned to PBS and oddly enough they were showing footage of Nina Simone. Not even three seconds after they started airing a performance of "Feeling Good," he opened his eyes.

He stared wide-eyed around the room, a strange gleam in his eyes.

"Dad," I said, trying to attract his attention.

As he continued to gaze around the room, I wondered if maybe he couldn't talk, but then he suddenly spoke. The words sent chills shooting up my spine.

"I can't believe it. I can't believe I'm here." His speech was crystal clear, his voice the equivalent of amazement and joyous disbelief.

Edward, who was at my side, said, "Morphine can play tricks on the mind. He's probably just out of it." He said it quietly so Charlie wouldn't hear him.

"Dad?" I said again, this time it came out like a question.

His head turned in my direction as Nina Simone's voice rang in the background. _ "Freedom is mine, yeah you know how I feel, it's a new dawn..."_

"Bella," my dad said almost with a laugh. He smiled widely. "_My Bella," _he said again, recognition in his voice.

His voice was dry with dehydration but his words sounded nothing short of heavenly.

"I love you," he said. "I can't believe I'm here," he repeated.

"I love you. You scared me so much today."

He squeezed my hand and then sort of shrugged his shoulders.

Then, his voice drifting, he uttered the familiar phrase, "I just can't believe it."

His eyes focused on mine once more and he said, "I'm so happy to see you, my Bella." And just like that, he drifted to sleep again and the song faded in the background, coming to its own end.

I felt like I left my body for a moment, stunned by the conversation.

"What was that?" I said as I turned toward Edward.

"I think the morphine is wearing off; he'll probably wake up more fully in a little while."

"You think?" I asked, hopefully curious.

"I don't want to give assurances I can't personally uphold. I can't do that to you. We have to wait, but I would take what just happened as a good sign."

"Edward, you should go home. Get some sleep. I promise I'll rest too."

"I would like to shower, get a change of clothes. Can I bring you back anything from home?"

"I'm not sure I want to have you digging through my underwear drawer," I said, realizing my filter was gone.

He laughed under his breath and I couldn't help but notice a slight reddening of his cheeks.

Before he could say anything, I cleared the moment. "Actually I have a ready-to-go overnight bag in my closet on the floor. Are you sure you don't mind?"

"I don't at all. Are _you_ sure you don't mind me leaving?"

I shot him a look of disbelief. "Please, don't make me insist. You've already given so much."

He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around me, squeezing me tightly to his chest. "You call me if anything changes. I'll be here before you know it. I don't care if I have to break every traffic law there is," he said against the crown of my head before kissing it.

"I will." He left and his absence left a greater void than I expected.

I pulled back the curtain that divided the empty bed from my dad's spot by the window. I lay down on the bed and though I didn't mean to, I fell asleep.

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**Your thoughts are very much appreciated in the way of a review. **


	26. Chapter 26

_**Thank you to my wonderful beta, Saluki. You can check out her stuff at /dungeon. She's a very wonderful writer.**_

_**This chapter is executed from my heart and the events closely mirror my own experience. Keep tissues on hand, just in case. Thank you so much for reading and your continued support.**_

_**By the way, the wonderful Claireoth nominated my story for a Hidden Star Award: Best Tear Jerker. Voting opens on September 16 and I would appreciate your support! **_

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Chapter 26

I woke up a little after four o'clock in the morning. My hair was matted to my face and my breath tasted like canned cat food, so I'm sure it smelled even worse. _Ugh. _

I closed the distance between myself and my dad quickly; I swear he hadn't moved even a millimeter. I grabbed the tube of toothpaste and toothbrush they had left for him, and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and relieve my full bladder. The sleep had done me good. I felt emotionally bandaged and more equipped to deal with whatever recovery was ahead.

I couldn't have predicted what was coming.

The next four hours passed by at the speed of mud. I finally left the room to grab some magazines and when I returned, the current on-duty nurse was in there.

"Oh hi, hon," she said. "I was wondering where you went. You were out like a light; you didn't even stir when I came in to check on him last night."

"How's he doing?" I asked her.

"Holding steady. Dr. Smidge wants to try to rouse him in a bit. He's going to give him something to to counteract the effect of the morphine. I'm Betty, by the way. Please let me know if I can do anything for you."

"Thanks, Betty. I'm Bella."

I shook her hand, which was soft and warm, and caught a waft of _Morning Dew_ perfume. My sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Lawlor, used to bathe in the stuff. I developed a serious aversion to it, but at actually. At least Betty hadn't drenched herself in it. She puttered around the room a bit and then left without saying a word.

Thirty minutes later, she returned with Dr. Smidge. came in with Betty.

"Hello, Ms. Swan. I'm Dr. Smidge." I shook his hand. He had a spaghetti-noodle grip, which was a pet peeve of mine.

"Bella," I said .

"We're going to try and wake up your dad up now."

"He woke up briefly last night, but fell back to sleep a few minutes later,." I said. He didn't acknowledge my statement.

I watched as Betty readied a syringe, extracting the fluid from a small vial and then flicking it with her finger. She inserted the pointy tip into his IV and pushed the medicine into the clear tube attached to his arm.

Within less than thirty seconds, Charlie's eyes shot open and he started choking. His body lurched up off the bed and he looked seriously alarmed. I rushed to his side.

"Dad, it's okay, I'm here. I'm here." I rubbed his forearm with my my hand, trying to calm him. There was no recognition in his eyes, and his body continued to seize as a result of his coughing fit.

"Alright, Betty, push some more morphine." Dr. Smidge sounded a tad distressed. I should have figured after the handshake that he would be a bit of a wimp.

Tears streamed down the sides of my dad's face, and he still hadn't recognized me.

"I love you, Dad. I love you so much," I said, unable to maintain my composure.

Betty pushed what I could only assume was the morphine the doctor had just ordered into the IV and within a few moments, Charlie's frame fell limp against the bed.

"I'm sorry about that," Dr. Smidge said, turning to me. "I'm sure that wasn't the most pleasant thing to witness.

He was cold and his words lacked the conviction required to soothe my frazzled nerves.

Without acknowledging him, I took my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed Edward.

He answered before the first ring had finished.

"Bella, everything alright?" he asked.

"I don't know...they just tried to wake him up and I don't know. It wasn'ts not good."

"I'm already on my way. Just stopped at your house. Are you okay?"

"I think I'm in shock," I said, my voice trembling. I bit my bottom lip to keep myself from breaking down completely. My phone started beeping in my ear; great, the battery was dying.

"My phone is about to die. If we get cut-"

I didn't even get the sentence out before the phone shut off.

I paced the room, waiting for Edward's arrival, waiting for Charlie to wake up, waiting for something to happen. Dr. Smidge and Betty had slipped out, so I was alone with my dad until a few moments later when Carlisle walked in.

"Edward called from the road. He said you might need some support_._ He'll be here soon, but I was already here, checking on another one of my patients so I thought I'd stop by. Rough morning?" he asked, tilting his head in the direction of the bed.

"I don't even know what happened." I was completely bewildered.

Carlisle walked towards the door and grabbed the chart.

"Looks like they've ordered a chest x-ray. He didn't respond well to the stimulant they gave him, so I imagine they want to see what's going on with his lungs. Edward told me he was awake last night?"

"Yes, just for a few minutes."

He nodded noncommittally. "Let's see how the x-rays turn out. It will be the best indicator of how he's doing at this point."

Right about then Edward walked in. "Hey, Dad," he greeted Carlisle before he walked up to me. He didn't hesitate to put an arm around me and hold me in a sideways hug. "I brought your stuff. You should take a shower, change your clothes. I saw your charger on the desk so I grabbed it. I was about to tell you before we got cut off."

_What had I done to deserve such support? _Edward always seemed to think of everything.

"I don't know what to say. Thank you doesn't seem to be enough, for either of you." I looked between the two of them.

"You don't need to say a thing, Bella," Carlisle answered. "We wouldn't be here if we didn't want to be."

I plugged in my phone and headed for the bathroom.

"Will you knock on the door if something changes, please?" I asked.

"Definitely, don't worry," Edward assured.

I showered quickly and couldn't deny that it felt wonderful to get clean and put on different clothes. I had been wearing the same thing for over thirty-six hours, and I felt grungy and sticky, even in the cool air of the hospital.

When I reemerged, they were both still there, along with the x-ray technician.

"Feel better?" Edward asked as he took note of my presence.

"I do." He handed me a tall cup of, coffee, and pointed to the chair. There's a bagel and cream cheese in there. I'm guessing you haven't eaten anything since yesterday?"

"I fell asleep right after you left, actually." I dug into the bag and hastily spread the cream cheese on the still warm bagel hastily, it was still warm.. Despite all the upset of the morning, I was starved.

"Okay, I'm done here," the tech said, standing up. "The doctor will be in shortly, I'm sure."

Dr. Smidge came back in about fifteen minutes later. He looked ashen., Hishis face said it all; the news was not good.

"Martin, do you mind if I take a look? Charlie is not only my patient;, he's my son's as well."

"Let's step outside for a minute?" Dr. Smidge answered in a questioning tone. The two doctors left the room, and I wanted to follow them out.

Edward squatted down to my level since, I was still sitting in the chair. He brushed my still damp hair back from my face before rubbing my back, trying to easy my nerves. "I'm sure my dad didn't mean to exclude you like that."

"It's not good, is it?" My voice cracked mid question.

"Let's just wait and see." I could hear the uncertainty in his voice.

The doctors reappeared a few minutes later. Carlisle pulled up a chair so that he could sit facing me and . He took in a deep breath.

"Bella, I've just had a look at the film. I think it would help you understand if you saw it yourself."

He carefully extracted the x-ray from its sleeve and held it up in the dim light of the room.

I understood immediately.

"His lungs, they're full, aren't they?" Edward continued to soothe me with his touch.

Carlisle nodded. "The antibiotics aren't working. I'm so sorry, Bella, but I'm afraid there is no coming back from this kind of congestion."

I lost it. Edward wrapped his arms around me and held tight. I noticed his eyes were rimmed in red and they looked to be brimming with tears. "Would you like me to call anyone?" Carlisle asked.

I shook my head. "I'll call. Edward brought my charger." I was zoned out. I couldn't believe the time was coming. I couldn't believe that there was nothing more to be done.

"Is he in pain?" I sobbed, the tears coming out of me in torrents.

"I don't think so," Carlisle answered, before standing up. "I'm going to go speak with the nurses on duty about a few things."

"How long?" I asked, looking up at him.

"I can't say conclusively. It could be hours or it could be days. I wish I had an answer. I know this much, if anyone wants to say goodbye, they should make their way here soon." There was only warmth in his liquid voice. It was amazing how just intonation could change the meaning behind thesuch simple words.

I nodded and he slowly walked out of the room slowly.

Edward repositioned himself so that he was kneeling in front of me. "Let me make the calls for you, please?" he said. "You can stay right here with him."

"Don't leave me." I was on the verge of being catatonic.

"I'm won't," he assured, rubbing my shoulders as if he was trying to warm me up.

"I want to call Alice, and I should also be the one to call Billy."

I picked up my phone with shaking hands and dialed Alice first. She joined me in my tears as soon as I shared that the time had come. She promised to hop on the first flight she could get on stand-by. She also assured me that she would call Emmett as soon as we hung up. I reluctantly ended our call and dialed Billy.

"Hello, Bella?" he answered. "How's my boy?" It was going to be more difficult to relay this news to him than it would be to anyone else.

I instantly broke down again,again; my momentary composure had been hanging byfrom a thread. "It's time."

"I'm on my way," he sputtered, before he hastily hung up.

He arrived at the hospital, with Harry and Sue, just thirty minutes laterafterwa and we rd. We all congregated around Charlie. For the most part, we didn't speak. I don't think anyone knew the appropriate conversation for the setting. We all sat there, in silence, watching the monitors, and listening to the steady whir of the equipment sustaining Charlie for the time being. Edward sat next to me the entire time, while Billy, Sue and Harry all flanked his other side.

Carlisle had made arrangements to ensure that we wouldn't be botheredinterfered with, no matter how many visitors showed up or what time. I guess hospital policy didn't apply when someone was dying. Alice called about an hour later., Sheshe was on standby for the first available flight, but wasn't able to get a guaranteed seat until six o'clock in the evening. She would still have to make a three hour drive once she arrived in Seattle; the wait was agonizing for us both. She let me know that Emmett had booked a red-eye as well and was on standby for anything earlier, too. I felt a little guilty for not making the call myself, but I was having a hard time maintaining my composure as it was. Saying the words over and over would not make it easier;, the repetition of Charlie's demise was in no way cathartic.

A few minutes after I hung up with Alice for the second time, Paul and Joshua turned up. They were both decked out in their uniforms.

"We came as soon as we heard," Paul said, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"Thank you," I muffled. Poor Josh looked devastated and was seemingly speechless.

"Hi Josh, thanks for being here," I offered. He nodded somberly.

"Sam is coming, but he stopped by to pick up Em first." There weren't chairs left, so I stood up and offered mine.

"Oh, no, Bella. Don't get up on our account," Paul insisted.

"It's alright,alright; I need to stretch my legs." The room had grown stuffy with the additional bodies, so I walked just outside the door, with Edward was right behind me.

"If you want to be alone, I can-"

I practically attacked him, throwing my arms around his neck, preventing him from completing his thought. I broke down into gasping sobs, unable to edit my emotion. He secured his arms around me tightly, but the pain could not be subdued. One of his hands moved from the small of my back, up the length of it and found the back of my head. He gently massaged my scalp with his fingertips, the slow movements lulling me into numbness. At some point I stopped crying. Maybe it was when Sam and Emily walked up, or maybe it was just before or after, time was not moving in a linear fashion for me, everything blurred into everything else.

"Hey, Bella," came Emily's voice in a sympathetic tone.

"Hi, thanks for being here, both of you," I said through sniffles.

I noticed that Sam was carrying a box.

"We brought some sandwiches and drinks, just, just in case anyone was hungry," Sam said, lifting the box slightly.

"I'm sure everyone will be at some point, good thinking," Edward acknowledged.

"Everyone's in there," I said, tipping my head in the direction of the room.

They walked in, while I lagged behind. Edward looked at me longingly, and I wasn't sure how to react.

"I don't know what to say, Bella. 'Are you okay' seems contrite and 'how are you' seems stupid. I just wish there was some way to make this easier on you."

"I wish there was some way, too. But, there's not. I can tell you that having you here has made me feel less alone. It helps."

"But there's a room fullmess of people in there that you have known your entire life." He seemed slightly caught off guard, though I couldn't figure out why.

"I get that. It means so much that they are all here all rallied; to be here, it's what my dad would want. But, you've been through the thick of this with me and out of everyone here, I feel closest to you. You will get paid for every minute, I promise."

He looked completely insulted, and I realized why a few seconds too late. "Bella, if you think for even a second I'm here for the money, then I might as well just go."

I let out an exasperated sigh. "No, I'm sorry – that' sthat's not what I meant, not at all. It was a bitchy thing to say. My head's not straight."

His expression softened. "It's okay. I get it. Just please know, this has nothing to do with getting paid. _Nothing_." His eyes penetrated mine, sealing the message.

I nodded. "Should we go back in?" I asked.

"Whatever you want," he answered.

I nodded once again before reentering the room.

To my relief there was a round of conversation replacing the eerie silence of earlier. The guys talked like Charlie was still able to respond, sharing their best memories out loud. They told stories I had never heard before; we. We laughed and cried, the emotions ran the gamut. Charlie's condition remained unchanged. He was there, but I didn't know if he was really there. At around four o'clock, Josh, Paul, Sam and Emily said their goodbyes, to everyone. Then, eachEach of them walked up to Charlie and said their peace. InIt some ways it was a goodbye like any other, but you could see on their faces that they knew this one was for good. Emily even bent down and kissed him on the cheek,cheek; it was a very touching, unexpected moment. Sam was the last in thethat bunch to make his goodbye gesture. He knelt down at Charlie's bedside and said, "Goodnight, Chief. It'll be good to have you watching over us from your place in the heavens."

I choked up, trying to mask my emotion. Sam walked up to me, gave me a big hug and said, "Bella, we're here for you. Anything you need, you pick up the phone."

"Thanks, again."

The room fell quiet again, so when my phone rang at five o'clock, everyone jumped. It was Alice.

"Hey, Bella. I couldn't get an earlier flight. I'll be at the hospital around ten, okay?" She sounded so depressed.

"Promise me you'll drive safely. I need you here in one piece."

"Charlie?" she asked, ignoring my plea.

"He's hanging in there."

"He'd better," she said, the usual sparkle in her tone was missing.

"I'll see you in a few hours."

"See ya."

I could wait for her to get there though I longed for her to be there immediatelyI could be patient for her arrival, though I longed to have her with me right then., I only hoped that Charlie could hang on.

"Bella, everyone," Billy addressed. "If you don't mind, I would like a few minutes alone with him."

We all stood. Edward and I exited the room as Harry and Sue stayed behind, I imagined, to say their own goodbyes. They joined us out in the hall a little bit later. Sue hugged me as I cried again. I wondered if it was possible for my well of tears to run dry, I was certainly testing the theory.

Edward disappeared for a little bit while I stayed with the Clearwaters, who were patiently waiting for Billy. Billy He finally came out about ten minutes later.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to have a word with Bella now." His eyes were glossy and blood shot, but he was completely composed.

"Goodnight, sweetheart," Harry said, before Sue cut in. "We love you, honey. We'll be back tomorrow."

It sort of amazed me how quickly everyone had shifted their energies from Charlie to me. Edward reemerged as the Clearwaters headed for the elevator.

"Edward, would you mind sitting in there with Charlie for a minute, while Bella and I have a little chat?"

"Not at all," he answered, stepping into the room and pulling the door almost closed behind him.

"Get down here with me, girl," Billy said in his authoritative way. I couldn't help but let a smile escape as I crouched down next to him.

"You have done a great job caring for him. You need to look at yourself and believe it. You've had great strength and patience-"

"Not really," I interrupted.

"Hush. Let me speak. That man in there is my brother and damn it, I don't want to let him go." He began to choke up, but sucked it back in. He continued, "But, for us to keep him here is selfish., It'sit's time that he movemoves on; it's time that we release him to his next path. I said my peace to him just now. , I told him it was okay to go."

More tears streamed down my face as he reached out and cupped my cheek in a fatherly way. "You are his greatest love and proudest accomplishment. Until you cut that kite string, he won't be free to fly. He'll linger here until you tell him it's okay. It's time for him to be the eagle. Do you understand what I'm saying?" he asked.

I looked into his dark brown-black eyes and saw light. I nodded my head while my bottom lip protruded without my permission. He pulled me to his chest and I snuggled against it. "Be brave, Bella."

I shut my eyes, and took an inhale of air. Billy smelled like bay laurel and raked leaves;, he was autumn in the midst of our summer.

"Now, go be with your old man. Try to cherish what'sthe time you have left."

"Sorry I snotted all over your shirt."

He waved me off. "You can make it up to me by having me over for dinner sometime, okay?" The request squeezed my heart; I hadn't considered he would want to spend time with me after Charlie passed.

"I would love to. And...I love you."

"Stop making me blush, I'm a grown man. But,- love ya too, kid."

I stood up as he used his well-toned arms to wheel himself down the hall.

It was almost seven by the time I was back in the room with Charlie.

I took the chair closest to him, and next to Edward. "You can go if you want."

"No, not this time. You're stuck with me, even if I'm sentenced to the waiting room," he smarted back.

It was strange, but humor was still was appropriate in light of the situation. Charlie would want to see me smile through the tears. I laughed a little at his words.

"I think I like having you right here."

He smiled at me before looking down. I lay my head down on the bed, listening to the steady beat of my dad's heart and the sound of his breath. I tried to reconcile what was happening in my mind but I was puzzled.

Knowing someone is going to die and waiting for it to happen is not as sobering as you might think. Your mind is trying to make sense of what's unfolding in front of you, your heart is aching to the point it feels like it's expanding uncomfortably in your chest, and that's when you realize you've just been holding your breath.

Well, that's what it felt like to me, at least. I had to remind myself that I needed air while I tried to think of how to honor Billy's words and what I knew were my dad's wishes. Edward sat next to me in silent support, rubbing figure-eights on my back, and gently trailing his finger tips up and down it. I was completely detached, numb and hypersensitive at the same time. The past seemed distant and the seconds dragged by while we waited. Though everything moved in slow motion, I wasn't all that anxious for time to sprint forward.

I took my dad's limp hand in mine.

Edward spoke softly, " Talk"Talk to him, Bella. He's still here, he can hear you." His voice was so gentle it was like a caress.

I started saying things at random, whispers here and there of, "I love you," and "It's okay, dad." I wanted his eyes to open again;, I wanted to say these words and see understanding in his eyes. It was hard to believe they wouldn't open again.

Alice arrived at ten after ten and Edward quickly relinquished his spot so she could sit with me. We clung to each other and she shed tears for me; for the time being, I was all cried out.

Edward lay down in the empty patient bed. I didn't see him, since my back was to him, but I heard the bed squeak when he hopped on it. I hoped he would get some rest.

Alice was my sister in every way but by blood. She was another me, just wrapped up in different skin. She was like a daughter to Charlie, and it was only right that she was with me in that moment.

Her legs both hung over the armrest of the chair, as she sat in it sideways. "Emmett is going crazy with worry. He should be on the plane by now," she said.

"I hope he makes it. Even if my dad wanted to kick his ass a time or ten, I know he wants to be here."

"He really does," she agreed. "Jasper came with me. He went to go check us in to the hotel."

"What? Hotel? He should just stay at our place. The door is unlocked." I had forgotten about that until that moment. It seemed like weeks ago thatsince I had left the house. IIn reality,t hadn't even been forty-eight hours.

"Actually, I locked it when I went back," Edward's fatigued voice came from behind us. I had forgotten about that, too. My brain was not in normal working order. Exhaustion and grief were obstacles to coherence.

"Either way, I don't think Jazz would feel comfortable there right now."

"Yeah, I can understand that," I answered.

"It's just him anyway. I'm here with you, B. I'm not leaving your side."

The sound of soft snoring came from the bed behind us. We both giggled.

"Okay, I'm sorry, but his snore is kind of cute. Don't you think?" Alice asked.

"Yeah, he's pretty cute all around." My eyebrows pinched together and I looked down, my chin to my chest. "You know, my dad said something to me a little while back about being happy with whomever I wanted to be happy with. He kind of gave me his blessing. He seemed to be referring to Edward." I spoke in a hushed tone, even though Edward was clearly asleep.

"I think to the outside world it's somewhat obvious that there's something between the two of you."

"Really?"

She slugged me playfully on the arm. "Don't be a dumb ass. You know I love you, but the two of you have some serious denial going on."

"It's not denial. It's timing, the situation. He didn't want to complicate things."

"Remind me to slug him later, sometimes complication is exactly what makes things work."

I sighed as the machines continued to pump and the words fell from Alice's strawberry lips. She looked beautiful in the dim light of the room. Her face was scrubbed free of makeup and her hair was pulled back into a ponytail. Something about her reminded me of when we younger, the essence of her as a little girl was coming through.

"No slugging. That guy, no matter what happens between us in the future, has done so much for me. I don't think I'll ever be able to thank him enough."

"Fine, I'll hold off," she surrendered.

I turned my attention back to Charlie. Alice moved to the other side of the bed, and we each took one of hisCharlie's hands. I drifted in and out of sleep for the rest of the night.

At seven o'clock in the morning we were all awake. Our clothes were rumpledruffled, the sun had begun to brighten the room and Charlie was still clinging to life. I had yet to do what Billy had asked of me. Edward and Alice left the room to go get some water and something to eat, and for the first time in several hours, I was alone with my dad. I knew the time had come. I lowered the bed rail on the side I was sitting on and crawled into bed next to him. I wanted to be close to him;, I wanted him to feel my presence.

My words came out with an airy quality, escaping from my heart rather than my lips. "You've been the most amazing father I could have ever asked for. You have shown me what it means to be strong, and I know that you're being strong right now, hanging on for me." I sucked in a breath. "I love you, dad. It's okay for you to leave now. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay..." the words kept tumbling out as I rested my head against his chest. _Goodbye, again._

I deep voice broke through the semi-silence of the room. "Iz."

I lifted my head to see Emmett standing in the doorway. I got out of the bed and we met each other halfway. He lifted me into his arms. My well had been replenished, and the tears began to fall as he wrapped himself around me. "I just let him go. I told him it was okay."

"Shhh. Shhh. It's alright. Everything will be alright." His voice sounded from a deep place, and I could feel it coming from inside his chest. He rocked me back and forth in his arms, and I submitted to his comfort.

A small, pixie-like throat cleared on the other side of Emmett.

Alice and Edward had returned and I involuntarily sprung myself from Emmett's hold. The moment was unexpectedly awkward.

"Edward, this is Emmett. Emmett, this is Edward," Alice introduced, coming to my rescue.

They both extended a hand,hand; I sensed trepidation on both parts. _Weird._

"We brought donuts," Alice declared. "The chocolate French cruller is for Bella, don't any of you try and snatch it."

We sat there, eating in quiet. Instead of focusing on the company, I kept my focus on Charlie. I had been listening to his heart all night, and I could hear that itsit's tempo was slowing on the monitor.

To my great relief, Billy and Sam showed up a half an hour later. Right about then the Dr. Smidge arrived, along with Betty, who was back on rotation after her evening off. She read the monitors, took his blood pressure and checked a myriad of things before turning to Dr. Smidge.

"No urine production in six hours," she commentedsaid to Dr. Smidge. He nodded, a resigned look crossing his face.

"What does that mean?" I asked aloud.

Edward came up behind me so quickly, it startled me slightly. He took my free hand in his. "His organs are beginning to shut down. You'll want to stay close now." He squeezed my hand with such force, it almost hurt, but I was grateful for it.

I took my seat next to my dad. Alice took the chair next to me. Billy and Sam took the other side while Edward and Emmett stood at the end of the bed. Carlisle appeared moments later and took a place next to his son.

The heart monitor beeped.

_Beep_

_Beep_

_Beep_

_Beep_

They grew further and further apart.

Dr. Smidge and Betty remained in the room, but I felt more comfortable asking Carlisle the next question.

"Can we take his mask off? I know he would rather take his last breath independently." I was trying to be the brave girl Billy had urgedindicated me to be. Carlisle nodded at me.

I stood and removed the bi-pap from my dad's face and kissed him delicately on the head, then his cheek. I took a deep breath and uttered the words, "I love you," into his ear. _Our final goodbye._

The succession of beeps continued to slow.

I watched as Charlie's chest suctioned inward with a great intake of air. A soft whinny escaped him and when he exhaled it was not just his breath that released, it was his soul. The air immediately above his stilled body almost shimmered before dissipating gradually. His face was set in a peaceful expression, but he looked different somehow, without his spirit, his face had changed. It was tortuously beautiful, something I never thought I would see, but I know I did. Nothing could take that away from me, nothing and no one. Soft sobs and sniffles emitted in different tones from around the room. Someone turned off the machine, signaling that Charlie was no longer with us but the absence of his spirit was unmistakable.

His energy had shifted. My dad had passed. Charles Swan was gone.

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Thank you for reading, it mean more than words can say.


	27. Chapter 27

**Thanks to my beta, Saluki, my readers and reviewers. You mean so much to me.**

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Chapter 27

Everything was still. The white noise and steady beeps of the monitors were silenced. The sobs had discontinued. My dad's lifeless body remained fixed in its state of rest. I couldn't bring myself to look away from his unmoving chest and the frozen expression on his face; he looked peaceful.

I nearly jumped when I felt a firm tug on my shoulder; I was in a daze that failed description.

"Iz, we should go," Emmett said tentatively.

I began weeping and sniveled, "I don't want to leave him." I reached out inadvertently and grabbed my dad's hand. It was already cold to the touch but I didn't let go.

Edward came to my other side and knelt down. Emmett's hand was still on my shoulder. Alice was holding my hand while I clung to my dad's with the other. I suddenly felt corralled, claustrophobic, the walls were closing in.

"Bella," Edward said gingerly. I turned to look at him, seeking the comfort of his warm, green eyes. He reached out and put his had on my forearm and wrapped his fingers around it in a gentle hold. "They'll be here to take him soon. You should think about leaving before that." His tone was wounded, as if he was being forced to add to my emotional burden. What I took out of what he said surprised me. He had referred to Charlie as "him" not "the body." I appreciated that tiny part of the words he spoke.

I turned my face towards the room. "I would like a moment alone with my father," I said, addressing everyone in a hoarse timbre.

Alice looked at me imploringly. "Are you sure you want to be alone?"

I nodded somberly at her, and she returned the gesture with her own nod.

Everyone left quietly, leaving me to say goodbye once again, but this time I was only saying goodbye to his vessel. I knew the difference between before and now, but I couldn't put it into words. I could feel his hand continue to cool, although I held it in mine. Despite his dropping temperature, I found myself grateful that it was still pliable. It's funny the thoughts that cross your mind in such times.

I didn't speak; I only observed. The absence of color in his skin dulled his features, and his hair had lost its sheen. His lips were slightly parted, but the corners were just barely upturned. His few, fine wrinkles seemed to have deepened slightly, though his form was relaxed. He had lost so much weight in the last few months that he looked so small as he lay in the bed. It may have been verging on morbid, but I felt an underlying desperation to commit everything about him to memory, even this.

I finally lifted his hand and brought it to my lips. His skin had grown even cooler and felt like melting ice against my warm skin. I closed my eyes tightly and said with barely a breath of a voice, "Goodnight, Dad. I love you."

My face felt wet again, but I no longer felt the tears fall; their saline composition had rendered me impervious.

"Billy, Sam, Carlisle," I called. "Can you come in here, please?" They were at my side in moments.

"I'm going to go now, but I don't want him to be alone. Would the three of you mind staying?"

"No need to even ask, Bella," Sam answered.

"I'll see him through until the end," Carlisle followed.

Billy only nodded.

"Thank you all."

I turned around without stealing another glance at my dad. If I looked back, I might have been physically unable to turn back around and walk through the door.

I grabbed my overnight bag, which someone must have repacked for me

and walked out of the room where Edward, Emmett and Alice were waiting.

Alice linked her arm through mine.

"I think I need to go home," I said aloud.

"I can drive." Emmett hadn't hesitated.

Edward looked down at the floor.

"Actually, I need to talk to Edward about a few things." He looked back up quickly, eyebrows raised.

"If you don't mind? If you want to go home that's okay, I understand." I was surprised at how level-headed I sounded, but maybe it was just the result of being in what seemed like a parallel universe.

"I'm good to drive you home. Are you ready?"

I nodded. "Alice, do you mind riding with Emmett?"

"Okay."

"We'll be right behind you, Izzy," Emmett said as he came at me quickly and gave me a hug. "Love you," he whispered. I couldn't return the sentiment in that moment, not because I didn't love him but because it just didn't feel natural.

"Thanks for being here," I replied instead.

When he finally released me, I looked at Edward and said, "I'm ready."

Once we were in the car I spoke up. "Is it okay if I don't talk?" I asked.

"Yeah, it's fine," he answered.

His hand was resting in the center of the space between us. I didn't hold it, but I put my hand on top. I didn't want to talk, but I craved and longed for human touch. As we drove back to the house, I leaned back in my seat and stared out the window. Time was still moving strangely.

It was like I was aware of every miniscule fragment of time; my hypersensitivity allowed me to see things with a greater awareness. It was one of my darkest days, yet the sun glowed radiantly and the sky was such a rich blue, it appeared to be saturated – its color reaching unknown depths. . I swear I could identify the movement of each leaf on every tree we passed; I saw their individual animation as they quaked in the breeze.

I could see people going about their daily routine as we passed other cars. How could my world feel so altered while life continued around me with such normalcy? Hadn't the universe experienced even the slightest shift when Charlie Swan died?

As I watched life continue from the passenger seat of Edward's car, I wondered if it was possible that I would ever escape the feeling of loss that was recessed so deeply in my heart. I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that I wouldn't hear him talk again or watch him take another breath. I was lost and felt like a fraction of the person I had been when he was still with me.

Though it may have seemed the obvious thing to do, I had never actually discussed the details of what Charlie wanted with regards to a funeral. I knew that he had completed paperwork at some point, with Edward's help, and I remembered scanning them with hesitation, but I couldn't remember anything about their content.

"What happens now?" I said aloud. I may have spoken the words, but they seemed to have come from someone else.

Edward turned his palm beneath my hand and laced his fingers with mine. I couldn't pry my eyes away from the window.

His soft tenor was like a light drizzle of rain and just enough to pull me out of my daze. "Do you want me to help you?"

I turned my head just enough to catch his face in my peripheral vision and nodded.

"Your dad was very thorough in his preparations for this." His thumb smoothed over my own soothingly. "He has the details worked out for his service, and all the appropriate paperwork is in place."

I didn't say anything as he continued to brush my thumb sweetly and continued carefully. I was acutely aware that he was treading lightly; he didn't want to fracture the shell.

"You'll have to go the funeral home and sign some paperwork, and you might want to ask someone to come with you...two people must identify him."

"Can't you come?" I said, breaking out of my zombie status.

"I'll be there if you want me to be."

I nodded and turned my head to stare out the window again.

A few minutes later, we pulled up to my empty house. I felt a heaviness fall over me; it was almost as if the air was so thick inside my chest that it was spilling over into the immediate surroundings.

Edward had parked but I hadn't moved. He had withdrawn his hand, and I barely noticed him exit the car. When my door opened, it startled me. Edward was holding it open, but it was Alice who was waiting on the other side.

"Come with me, Bella?" She extended her hand and I took it while Edward hurried ahead to open the front door. As soon as I was out of the car, Emmett came around to my left side and put a hand of support on my back.

We might as well have been walking into a hotel room; the house just didn't feel like home anymore. I couldn't even look towards the hall that led to Charlie's bedroom. I was frightened the nothing it held. I wasn't ready to feel the nothing.

"Can I get you anything?" Alice asked, desperate to do something.

"I think I need a shower." I thought it would refresh me.

"Whatever you want, Iz," Emmett interjected. I hugged Alice, and then I turned and hugged Emmett.

"Help yourselves to whatever you'd like."

I turned to Edward. "Will you stay? I mean for a little while?" I didn't want to assume he would just wait around, but the thought of him leaving brought tears to the surface again. I wanted him close.

"Yes, I'll be here."

I hugged Edward and whispered, "Thank you," against his chest.

They say that grief comes in waves. Or is it stages? Or is it both? I don't know but for me the wave theory seemed to apply. I was in my room and it felt the same. It was still mine despite the fact that I felt that the rest of the house was just a memory; it didn't feel real without Charlie. As I sat in my room I felt just fine, almost okay, though there was pain lurking precariously close to the surface. I actually felt like I might go a while without breaking down again. The thing about waves is the tide can change unexpectedly and suddenly you're helpless to the undertow.

I turned on the shower, running my fingers underneath the water as I waited for it to warm. When it was just about right I undressed quickly and stepped in. I stood under the water and just focused on the feel of it rushing over my skin. It felt good and I started to think that maybe the worst had passed. Then I reached for my shampoo, the _Nexxus _shampoo.

As soon as I opened the cap, a pop of air escaped, bringing its coconut scent straight to my nose. Suddenly the thought of shampooing my dad's hair flashed through my mind and the wave crashed, hard. I dropped the bottle and sunk down to a crouch. The sobs wracked my body so hard my ribs began to ache almost instantly. I was wailing silently; my voice and sound uncomfortably trapped in my chest. Finally, the sounds that had been desperately seeking leave found their way to the surface and I let go completely. I didn't even hear anyone come up the stairs.

"Bella, Bella, Bella," Alice called through the door. "Are you okay? Can I come in?"

I tried to suck it up to sound more composed, but I could barely breathe, let alone speak coherently.

"I'll be okay," I said through my suffocating sniffles.

"Bella, please."

"Can you just wait in my room? I'm getting out," I called, my sanity beginning to reassemble, at least for the moment. I needed to get away from that shampoo.

"Okay, sweetie. Hurry up."

I suddenly felt selfish. I was only thinking of myself. Obviously everyone was going through their own form of suffering. I desperately wanted to get out to Alice all of a sudden. I hastily wrapped a towel around myself after just barely patting myself dry.

I walked into the room after grabbing a comb. Alice was sitting on my bed; her pretty face was stained with the marks of recent tears.

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to worry you."

"Please, let's not do the apology thing, okay? Today there are no rules." She always knew just the right thing to say. "Come here." She patted the spot next to her. "Give me that comb and turn around."

I sat down and did as she instructed.

"Remember how we used to do one another's hair for school?" she asked as she began delicately working the comb through my tresses.

"Yeah. Charlie had an aversion to elastics and ribbons, and your mom just-"

"Was just too worried about her own image to focus on mine," she interjected. We both laughed a bit.

"We took care of each other," I concluded.

"You are so important to me. I can't lose you so don't let go, okay?"

"You're my tether; I'm not going anywhere. Thanks for hanging on to me."

"Always."

"Oh my god," I said slapping my forehead. "Emmett is alone with Edward!"

"Don't worry. I had a talk with Emmett in the car on the way over. He was freaking out a little bit, wondering why you rode with 'the nurse.'"

"What did you tell him?" I said, suddenly panicked.

"I said that the two of you were _friends_ and that you probably just wanted to discuss the arrangements."

"Wow, that's pretty good."

"As if you should expect anything less from your bestie!" She pretended to be insulted.

"I'm sorry for showing any sign of doubt."

"Hey, what did I say about apologies?"

"Oops," I replied.

"I don't think anyone here has anything but the best intentions right now. We're here for you."

"I'd be lost without you."

"Does that make me your map?"

"Something like that."

We hugged for awhile after that. She was always a bright spot for me – even when I found myself in pitch black.

Alice left the room so I could get dressed and collect myself. I hoped I was capable.

"You can do this, Bella," I assured myself out loud.

I must have been in my room for over an hour before I finally made it downstairs.

Three sets of eyes were immediately on me. I felt like I had to make a choice, but instead my eyes just sort of darted between all of them.

"Hey," I greeted.

They seemed to breathe a collective sigh of relief.

"Jasper's coming over. I hope you don't mind," Alice said sweetly.

"Of course not." I stole a glance at Edward; his eyes were fixed on me. This had to be awkward for him. He had spent time with Alice but had just met Emmett, who I generally avoided discussing in detail with him. Now they were in the room together.

I didn't want to turn my back on Emmett, but I really wanted to seek comfort from Edward. I didn't expect the tug-of-war emotions I was experiencing, but I felt smack dab in the middle of something uncomfortable.

"Can I steal you for a minute?" I said, directing my question at Edward.

He nodded, stood up and when I walked towards the kitchen, he followed. As soon as we were out of view I slid my arms around his waist and rested my head against his chest. He didn't leave me hanging, securing his arms around me. It all felt so right in my fragmented world.

His breathing seemed heavy but not in a creepy way. I could feel it come out in a whoosh against my forehead. I could hear the beat of his heart below my ear; the echo it made in his chest was soothing to me.

"The funeral home called. They asked if you could come down tomorrow at noon. I told them that was okay, but if you want, we can change it."

I pulled back from our embrace so that I could find his green eyes; they were so beautiful even bloodshot.

"What day is it?"

"Wednesday," he answered.

"Then that will work. I want to get it all over with. I just want to be done. Does that make me a terrible person?"

He looked at me with so much compassion it hurt and ran his hand through my hair. "You could _never_ be a terrible person. Don't even think it. There's no right or wrong way to do this. No one has the answers for this." His tender, crooked smile offered unadulterated comfort.

"So you'll be there, tomorrow?"

"Sure thing." His hands rested at my waist; they felt so good there.

"I miss him so much already." I choked over the words.

"I know. I do too." He pulled me close again, his hands sliding along my back so that his arms overlapped as he hugged me. I loved his scent; it almost refreshed me. It was rain on pavement with undertones of something spicy, like nutmeg, and then there was that indescribable something that belonged to only him.

"I don't know what to do with myself. I think I need to sleep or something."

"You should. You haven't had much rest the past few days. Everything else can wait." He continued to run his fingers through one side of my hair.

"I won't hold you hostage-"

"Damn!" he cut in, jokingly.

I giggled a little bit. "Well, not today. You can leave anytime. Thanks for waiting around for me."

"Thanks for wanting me to wait," he answered, seeking my eyes once again.

"You have been incredible for me this week. I couldn't have survived without you."

He looked a little bashful, but there was an air of contentment about his expression as well. "You're stronger than you give yourself credit for."

"We'll see about that."

He shook his head at my indignation.

"So beautifully stubborn."

I shied away from the complement. "Promise me that you'll take some time to decompress. Go running or hang out with your mom. Don't worry about me."

"I'll try my best," he said, chuckling slightly.

"I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Sure, do you want me to pick you up?"

"No, it's okay. I'm sure Alice will come with me; she can drive."

"Alright. You call if anything changes."

"Thanks, Edward."

"Shhhh," he whispered against my head. "I'll see you soon, Bella." He kissed my head tenderly before we separated.

"I'll let myself out. Tell them goodbye for me."

I nodded and he left through the door in the kitchen.

I found my way back to Alice and Emmett, who had made a space just for me between them on the couch.

I sat down and they both snuggled closer.

"I'm so sorry, Iz," Emmett offered.

"I know."

We were like three peas in a pod, snuggled together. It felt old school. I must have drifted to sleep because the last thing I remember was Emmett humming the tune of "Baby mine." Yep, he was a softie.

I slept the rest of Wednesday away. It was the only way to escape the grip of anguish that enveloped me. I still couldn't look down the hall even though I had made sure that the door to Charlie's room was closed. Emmett had jumped at the opportunity to come to my aid when I asked if he could shut it for me.

After Jasper arrived, he and Alice had picked up the place and cooked dinner for the four of us. It was a simple, yet delicious pasta dish with sun-dried tomatoes, asparagus, shaved Parmesan and grilled chicken. I didn't have much of an appetite, but the few bites I managed were very tasty. I didn't think I would be able to sleep, but I fell into oblivion just after nine o'clock.

Alice stayed the night with me, and Emmett returned to the hotel with Jasper. They seemed to be getting along well enough, though they were very different people. Jasper was calm and had a gentle demeanor,while Emmett had untapped energy constantly on reserve, though his heart was huge and accommodating.

The alarm woke me up from a dead sleep at 7:30am. I had forgotten to turn it off; it was still set for my daily routine, which no longer applied. Alice didn't stir next to me. I started to cry again, having been upset that there was nothing to wake for. I was wide awake but couldn't bring myself to move, so I just lay there and waited and waited.

I finally mustered the will to pick up my phone; I called Billy.

"Hello," he answered in a sobering tone.

"Hi, Billy."

"Bella, how you holding up?"

"I'm up and down, you?"

"Same."

"I wanted to ask you if you would come to the funeral home today. I know it's short notice, but I would like to have you there."

"Yep, I can make it. What time?"

"Noon."

"I'll see you in a while."

"Thanks, see ya soon."

Emmett really wanted to come to with us, but I thought that was just one person too many so I asked that he wait around with Jasper. He begrudgingly agreed.

Alice came with me to the appointment and when we arrived, both Edward and Billy were already there. Edward looked casual in jeans and a green t-shirt, just seeing his face was a relief. Alice had her arm determinately linked with mine. The atmosphere of the funeral home was very strange. A perky blonde, Annabel, greeted us. Her disposition seemed entirely too cheerful considering what she was hosting. She offered us water, coffee, or tea, and I had the passing thought that she would be a perfect flight attendant. I wondered how she ended up in such an unconventional career.

While the hostess was indeed sunshine wrapped up in a cute little package, the place was downright dark and dim. The carpeting was forest green, and the walls were dated mahogany wood paneling. It smelled like roses and incense, but there was a unique, musty aroma that dominated the rest of the otherwise pleasant smells.

"If you'll wait here for just a few moments, my husband Logan will be right with you. There are some catalogs on the table you may want to peruse. I'm very sorry for your loss. " Yeah, Annabel needed to tone down the bubbly just a bit. At least I knew she didn't choose this profession, she married into it.

Logan appeared a few minutes later. It struck me that both he and his wife were quite young, I was expecting someone older, not quite the Crypt Keeper, but maybe someone older than my dad.

"Hi, I'm Logan."

"Bella." I extended my hand. "These are my friends, Alice, Edward and Billy."

"It's good to meet all of you. I'm sorry it's under these difficult circumstances."

"Thank you," I said politely.

"If you follow me, I have a more comfortable space where we can all sit and discuss things in private."

We followed him back to a meeting room, passing by various urns and coffins on display.

We took our seats, Edward and Alice on either side of me, and Billy at the end.

"Now, fortunately, I received the paperwork from your father's estate this morning. We won't have much to discuss, since the arrangements have been succinctly expressed, but I'm happy to sit here as long as you like and answer any questions you may have." Logan was professional without being callous; it was a relief.

"Can you just go over everything briefly? Unfortunately, I didn't discuss this with him...be...fore." I started crying. Logan pushed a box of tissues in front of me. Edward and Alice both had a hand on my back.

"I'm happy to go over it all with you. If you feel upset or uncomfortable at any time, just let me know and we'll take a break."

I nodded.

He went over everything that Charlie had planned. The service, weather permitting, would be held at Tilicum Park. It would be closed casket, and Billy would preside over the informal service. Charlie had chosen to be cremated and interred at the Ocean View Cemetery along with his parents. He had even gone so far to plan out the service itself. There would be a flag ceremony carried out by his successors at the Forks Police Department and free time allotted for anyone that wanted to speak. He had requested certain songs be played, and the final song he requested sent shivers up my spine, _Feeling Good._ I didn't even have to complete the obituary; he had written his own. My heart winced at the thought of him writing his own clip, but that was my dad, the bravest man I knew.

All that was left for me to carry out was setting the date of the service –I decided on Sunday- and the identification of his remains. Billy would accompany me.

"Would you like me to explain how it works?" Logan asked.

"Sure," I answered.

"I will show you to a room in a few minutes. Your father will be behind glass, obscured by a shade. When you say you're ready, we'll pull back the shade and you take as much time or as little time as you'd like."

"Have you ever mixed up a body?" I blurted out.

"No, in my short three years in this industry, I haven't made such a blunder." He laughed, then I laughed. Soon we were all laughing uproariously, so inappropriate but a great release of tension.

When we settled down, I said, "I'd like to finish up."

"Very well," Logan said and stood up.

"We'll meet you in the reception area, okay?" I said to Alice and Edward.

"Okay," Alice answered, holding my hand and squeezing.

Billy and I followed Logan to a small room. It wasn't much bigger than a bedroom and the glass was right there.

"Nod when you're ready and I will remove the shade."

I grabbed Billy's hand and he reciprocated with a strong grip, and then I nodded.

Logan slid back the shade.

Charlie's body was set under a rose colored lamp, though you could see that he was devoid of all color. I couldn't look for more than a brief second. I wanted the image banished from my brain.

"Close it," Billy said. His voice trembled.

Logan complied swiftly with the request. We had done what was required of us and it was time to go. We said a quick goodbye to Logan, who escorted us back to the reception area.

As we walked outside as a collective I lost myself to tears once again. My knees buckled and fortunately Edward caught my arm. My emotion was physically impacting.

"Billy, are you alright to drive?" Alice asked, a look of concern wearing on her features.

"Don't worry about me, I'll be alright. Get her home. I'll see you all at the service. Bella, call me, anytime."

He activated the lift for his truck and got himself in as Edward helped me into Alice's rental.

Edward shut me in and leaned down on the window frame.

"Do you need anything?" he asked.

"I think I just want to lie down."

"Call me when you're up for it, okay?" he requested.

I reached out and touched the hand that was resting in front of me.

"I'll miss you."

His expression softened even further. "I'll miss you, too."

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_**Hold on tight, there will be relief from the grief, soon.**_


	28. Chapter 28

_**A/N - This chapter includes a point of contention for several of the readers that have already read it. Please know that this was not written for shock value. I see this story play out in my mind - it rolls through like a film and I stay true to it, tell it honestly and listen to my inner voice. It should be said that ultimately this is intended to be a happy ending kind of fic, the road to happy isn't always paved smooth. Thank you for your support. I hope you stick with me after this. **_

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Chapter 28

Charlie's obituary was in the paper on Friday. Being that he had been the Chief of Police, his passing was front page material. The image of him in uniform was printed in color and had been taken right before he became ill. The picture reflected Charlie perfectly, handsome and proud, without any hint of arrogance. He looked heroic without trying.

Alice and Emmett kept a close watch on me but respected when I needed space. I was so grateful for their presence, without them there was _almost_ no one.

I was thankful not to be inundated with bouquets – Charlie had requested that donations be made, both locally and to the ALS Association, in lieu of flowers.

Emily and Sue came over on Saturday afternoon with a crock full of chili and a pan of enchiladas. All of the close family friends were rallying around me. The highlight of those dim few days, however, was a delivery of cookies I received from Edward. He had written the note in his own hand, which I knew as well as my own from my frequent readings of the Christmas card. The words were caring and appropriate, and I couldn't help but yearn for his presence.

_Bella,_

_Nothing can begin to compare to what you bake, but I thought it would be nice to send something sweet anyway._

_Thinking of you,_

_Edward_

I really wanted to call him and beg him to come over, but I felt I was somehow juggling fire having both him and Emmett around. I decided it would be best to wait until the pomp and circumstance of the funeral was over. I decided to send him a text rather than call; I tapped it out three times and erased it before choosing a simple acknowledgment.

_Best part of today was receiving the package from you. Thinking of you, too...Bella._

Sunday arrived and I felt oddly at peace, more so than I had since I lost my dad. I had cried so much that I think I was finally stripped of my ability to shed tears. The service was scheduled for three o'clock, allowing for plenty of time to prepare myself, though I had not a clue of how to prepare myself at all. The Forks police department, at Sam's insistence, had arranged for a picnic at the park following the service.

I was anxious for the day to be over as quickly at possible. It wasn't about saying goodbye to Charlie, but more about the amount of people expected to attend the service. I was petrified of the looks of pity and expressions of remorse. I was, however, looking forward to seeing Edward. The past few days I had felt like I was a mere observer rather than an active participant in my own life. Nothing felt real and I felt nothing. I was stunned by my grief into a state of merely existing. When I thought of Edward it somehow reminded me to breathe.

By two-thirty I was dressed and as ready to face the funeral as I was every going to be. I didn't wear black; I was wearing the navy-blue "Charlie" dress that Alice had designed, her idea of course. The dress was actually the hit of her line with the design house and they had ordered it for market; I wore the original. She had made some minor alterations to the dress and it really fit as though it was meant for me.

I rode to the service with Alice, Jasper and Emmett. My puffy eyes were hidden behind large sunglasses; I felt like a cliché. As we pulled up to the park it was easy to see that a great deal of people had already arrived.

My eyes immediately darted to the casket, adorned with narcissus and sterling roses, embellished with navy ribbons. The arrangements were beautiful and understated, a lump formed in my throat at the sight of them. Sam, Joshua and Paul were standing close by, all wearing their police officer finery. As I exited the car, Alice held my hand and I led her to Charlie's protégés. I was aware that everyone had recognized that I arrived and they parted like the Nile as I walked towards the casket. I was immediately engulfed by the three officers and let go of Alice's hand. Each of them whispered their condolences. Billy must have arrived shortly after that and he appeared behind me; he looked pretty dapper. He wore a pale gray suit that complemented his luminous brown skin. Jacob and Rosalie were with him, but they keep a respectful distance.

"Hi, girl," Billy greeted me. I like how he addressed me like it was just another day; it added an air of levity to the moment. He thumped on the casket gently with his palm. "Today is about celebrating life, got it?"

I nodded.

"Good. I wanted to ask you before things get started, do you want to speak?"

I stuttered my answer, panic and anxiety gripping me, guilt twining in my stomach. "I don't think I can. Is that...awful?"

"No, honey. It's not. How you get through this day is your choice. Besides, your dad wouldn't want you to be put on the spot. I can thank everyone for being here on your behalf and..._his_." He glanced at the casket, but his eyes didn't linger on it.

"Thanks for doing this. For him...for..._me." _

"Charlie and I first discussed this quite a while ago and had many talks during the course of things. It's my pleasure to honor my dearest friend this way. I'm prepared."

I smiled at him and felt for his loss in this. None of us could experience our grief in the exact same way; it was a uniquely personal experience. In that moment I wanted for Billy to have his friend as much as I wanted to have my father.

"Pardon me," his velvet voice cut in from behind.

_Edward._

"Hello, Edward," Billy greeted. "If you two will excuse me, I'm going to take a few ticks to compose myself." He didn't hesitate, immediately wheeling himself away.

"Sorry to interrupt," Edward apologized.

I felt as though I hadn't seen him in weeks.

"Don't be," I replied, turning to face him. I couldn't help but be startled by his good looks. I felt a tad disrespectful, considering I was at my dad's funeral, but I had no energy for anything but instinctual reactions. He wore a crisp white shirt, the top two buttons undone, revealing just a touch of chest hair and the ridge of his clavicle. He wore steel-gray slacks and sunglasses obscured his green eyes, his hair tastefully unruly.

He wrapped me up in the tightest of hugs and spoke under his breath into my ear. "How are you holding up?"

"Right at this moment, I'm okay. I'm sorry I haven't called, it's just..." I tapered off, having lost my train of thought.

"I understand," he assured, still not letting go. "You can call me whenever the time feels right. Take as long as you need."

We were so close I could feel his rib cage press into mine with every exhale. I hadn't realized I was standing on my toes until he released me. I felt the lack of warmth instantly and missed the closeness. Then I noticed how large the mass of people had grown.

There were literally hundreds of people, and I didn't recognize but a handful of them. I could count the familiar faces on two-and-a-half hands and was moved by the outpouring Charlie had inspired.

"Are you here alone?" I asked him.

"No, my parents are here. They didn't want to overwhelm you but they wanted to be here."

"I think it's impossible not to be overwhelmed at this point. I mean, look at this," I said, extending a hand in the direction of the assembly of people. "I'm so honored that your parents came."

He looked at me with a tender expression of admiration on his face. "Charlie was an astounding human being. That's what's being reinforced here."

"I know. I'm just in awe of it all."

Alice came up behind Edward. "They're asking us to take our seats, sweetie. Edward, are you sitting with us?"

"Yes," I answered for him. "I mean, if you're okay with that."

"I'm honored."

Edward took the end seat and I sat down next to him. Alice took my other side and Jasper was next to her. Emmett decided to sit directly behind me. I was covered on all sides.

Billy began the service just moments later. He took us all on a journey through Charlie's life. They had known each other since they were ten, so there were many stories to share. He talked about the dignity Charlie had carried himself with up until and through his final moments. He spoke of his life on the force and his passion for leisurely pastimes like fishing, watching sports and drinking beer. And then he talked about me.

I squirmed in my chair as I held hands with both Edward and Alice.

"Love is something beautiful and natural. It comes from a place that none of us know, and to witness it firsthand is an incredible sight. Those of you who knew Charlie well know that he had one great love. The gravity of this love was demonstrated when it was returned by his beautiful daughter, Bella. I have known Isabella Swan from the day she was born. I've watched her grow into an amazing young woman. I am so proud of how she carried herself and supported her father throughout the last several years. She was the source of his greatest happiness in life, and he was at peace with what he was facing because of the legacy he knew he was leaving behind." I felt Emmett's hand squeeze my shoulder from behind. Edward's grip on my hand tightened. I think I was on a different plane, surely his words would have made any normal person cry, but I sat there tearless as he continued to speak about my father.

After he had finished, Billy invited others to come up to share their memories of Charlie. Sam and Paul both said a few words, as well as Harry Clearwater. But then came the faces I didn't recognize, the unknowns. The way Charlie had touched perfect strangers showed me just how far his kindness reached. A woman named Penny spoke of a time she was stranded on the side of the rode with a flat and how Charlie had stopped to fix it for her on his way home from a week in Seattle. He wasn't on duty. She had been passed up by several motorists, none of whom had come to her aid. There was a restaurateur that stood up to say that Charlie, on a whim, had bought lunch for the entire lunch crowd. These little stories were like sparks of light, burning brighter with each pass of the microphone. I stopped counting after fifteen.

I briefly considered standing up, but couldn't will myself to move. I had no idea what to say. I felt I would either get up there and not say enough or ramble like a fool. After everyone who wanted to speak had, Billy resumed his spot next to Charlie.

He placed a hand on the casket before concluding the service. He thanked everyone who had come and invited everyone to the picnic directly following before imparting his final message.

"Charlie will always be my personal hero. He lived to serve and did so with humility. His close friends were few but the lives he touched were in the thousands. He loved his daughter without condition and raised her to be an upstanding, loving young woman. He will live on through her. And so we are gathered here, all of us with our own reason, but for the same purpose, to celebrate the life of Charles Swan, my hero, my brother and closest friend." He thumped gently on the casket and said under his breath, "Love you, buddy." It was the only moment I shed a tear.

Billy made eye contact with me and nodded. I stood from my seat. I let go of Edward's hand but tugged on Alice's. I walked up to the casket and removed one of the roses adorning it. I didn't care that there were hundreds of people staring directly at me. I brought the soft petals to my lips and kissed them, before placing the rose back on top of the casket. I smoothed my hand over the polished surface of the casket before joining Billy. The first notes of "Feeling Good" began sounding in the background. The song was haunting and uplifting, at least how Nina Simone sang it. The lyrics were incredibly fitting and poignant, though tears still evaded me. They would come later. Alice didn't leave my side, not even when Emmett joined us at the front. Edward waited for his parents to rejoin him before they approached me.

Esme gave me the warmest hug and a sweet smile. She didn't say anything. Carlisle followed her lead and leaned down to give me a hug himself. "I will always be grateful that I crossed paths with Charlie. I'm in awe of his amazing spirit." He stepped away and Edward was there, his head tilted down, his eyes heavy with sorrow – his own – as he moved towards me. It also didn't escape my notice that Emmett postured himself so that he was nearer to me. I blocked it out and hugged Edward.

I whispered so quietly, I wasn't sure he would hear me. "Hold me just a little longer. I need to catch my breath before the onslaught begins."

He didn't answer but he pulled me tightly to his chest. My heels lifted off the ground, and I soaked in the moment of comfort.

I didn't want him to pull away, but I was anxious to get the rest of the afternoon over with. I just wanted to go home.

"Are you going to be okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I think so. Please, help yourself to some food. And thank you so much for everything."

He looked at me with fondness. "It doesn't have to end here."

My heart skipped two beats, maybe three.

"I'm sort of counting on that."

"I'll let you get this over with." His parting words reflected my feelings, once again.

I nodded and offered a fraction of a smile. While I was approached by several people I had never met, and a few I had, I was on auto pilot. I tried to be sweet but really had no energy to put up anything more than a polite front. The procession seemed to stretch on for miles. I found myself scanning the crowd for Edward as often as I could without looking ridiculously obvious. I spotted him a few times as I partially listened to the unending barrage of condolences. Emmett and Alice were my pillars, constantly with me. By the time the mourners finally started to dissipate, Edward had already gone. The sun was quickly fading into the background, as the evening light moved into place. Although Alice and Emmett radiated comfort, Edward was the one I longed for. I craved his presence, ached for it. I almost felt sickened by the lack of nearness. Thoughts of him inspired thoughts of the empty house I would be returning to, and I began to feel a panicked grief consume me. But then, suddenly, I was numb again.

"Would you like anything to eat?" It was Jasper who spoke.

I snapped out of the stupor I didn't realize I was in and shook my head. "I just want to go back to the house." The house that no longer felt like a home.

"We'll take you," Alice said.

I said goodbye to the Clearwaters, Sam, Paul, Josh, Emily, Jacob and Rosalie before turning to Billy.

"I'll be in touch," I said to him as I wrapped my arms around him.

"I look forward to it."

"Thanks for today." I looked at him with admiration. He was so strong to do what he had.

"Thank you for what you did. You let him keep his dignity. He was a happy man."

"I love you, Billy Black."

"Shucks, girl. I thought I told you not to say such things."

"Too bad."

After another hug, Alice walked me to the car; Jasper had pulled it up to the curb. Emmett was seated in the passenger seat. Alice sat in the back seat with me and we pulled away; I didn't look back.

"Bella." Alice saying my name barely registered, I was somewhere else.

"Bella, "she repeated.

I snapped out of my daze. "I'm sorry, what?"

She rubbed my arm; I wanted it to be Edward's caress, though she comforted me in other ways. _What had I turned into? _

"Em and I can stay with you tonight."

"No, that's okay," I protested weakly.

Emmett piped up from the front.

"Iz, you aren't going to be alone, not tonight," he said with loving authority.

"Okay." I had nothing left to fight their insistence. "Jasper and Alice can have the guest room upstairs. Em, you can stay in my room."

He turned around in his seat, his eyes capturing mine.

"I'll take the couch," I answered the question his eyes implied.

He just shook his head in disbelief and turned back around.

We arrived back at the house shortly thereafter. It was only seven but I was ready to crash.

"I think I'm going to go to sleep immediately if you don't mind. I'll just grab my pajamas from upstairs."

"Whatever you need, sweetie," Alice said, her arms coming around me in a hug.

We walked upstairs, all four of us. Alice gave me a huge hug. "I can stay on the couch with you."

"No, you two make yourselves at home," I said, looking between her and Jasper. "I couldn't have survived today without you."

"Love you, B."

"Love you, A."

"Goodnight," Jasper said in his deep tenor.

"Night."

Alice took his hand, resting her head on his shoulder as they retreated to the guest room. Emmett followed me into my room.

"Izzy, I'm not going to take your bed. Either I take the couch or we stay in here together." He wasn't being an ass, he was clearly just concerned.

"Fine, we can stay in here together. I just want to get out of these clothes and lie down." I grabbed some pajamas and walked into the bathroom to change. When I came back, he was already under the covers. Thankfully his t-shirt was on. We had spent hundreds of nights together, but it was strange to have him in my bed again. I slipped under the sheet beside him.

We were lying there, facing each other, but my eyes refused to focus. Suddenly my mind decided to play a trick on me. I was sifted back to my past, Emmett and I were still married and Charlie was still alive. The numbness of the present remained with me in the strange flashback. I had somehow built an anesthetizing cocoon around myself.

"Iz." My eyes attempted to refocus on the present, but I was rooted in the past.

"Izzy."

I was lost.

"Come back to me." His voice held a maturity it hadn't before. He reached out, wrapping his arm around me. I was immediately struck by how different his hold was compared to Edward's.

_Edward._

It was him I wanted in my bed.

My mind continued to work against me. I was losing my grasp on reality. I looked up and for a brief moment, Edward was the one in front of me.

His arm squeezed me closer, it was Emmett again. He soothed my head with his heavy hand. It felt so foreign compared to Edward's touch, yet I knew it. My body started to respond of its own accord. I hadn't been with anyone intimately in so long.

"I want to make it go away, "Emmett said in a soft gruff. He kissed one eye, then the other. He followed with the tip of my nose before finding my lips.

I didn't push away but I thought of Edward. It was horrible, it was wrong, but I was not in control of my response. Emmett kissed me, applying more pressure. I felt my frozen nerves begin to thaw.

I screamed inside my head, "Edward," but I found myself allowing the kiss to continue. The numbness continued to subside and my hormones were coursing through my body. My physical response was powerful; my hormones had been aroused for over a year by the presence of Edward.

Emmett's hands started exploring my body with that unfamiliar familiarity, and I pressed my body closer to his.

I wanted Edward, but Emmett's lips were the ones at my throat and his had had found its way up and underneath my shirt.

"Do you want me to stop?" he practically grunted.

"No," I breathed, giving in, feeling again.

Soon the pajamas became pointless as he tenderly removed all obstacles. He was giving himself over to me and I couldn't deny I wanted the satisfaction I knew was on the way. Though we had love for each other, this was sex. I wasn't even present with him; my mind and heart were out of my body and with Edward.

I pushed aside the shame I felt for multiple reasons. I was using Emmett, and on some level I felt that I was betraying Edward. I let my mind float away as I gave myself over to my desire to feel something. It wasn't long before I lost myself in Emmett's arms.

I woke up with the weight of a heavy arm across my body. He was breathing heavy and sleeping deeply, obviously satisfied by our night together. I felt, surprisingly...okay. Physically I was pleasantly sore; emotionally I wasn't drowning in guilt, though there was a smidge of it when I thought of Edward.

Really, there was no reason for it, we weren't together, we hadn't even kissed. Still, I had been waiting patiently to hand my heart over to him for so long, and I hoped he was waiting to do the same. I had to believe our chemistry wasn't imagined.

Sun began streaming through the windows and the room grew noticeably warmer. I turned around to face Emmett, trying my best not to wake him. It didn't work. He opened his eyes.

"Hey," he said, in a husky morning voice.

"Hey yourself."

He ran the back of his hand down my bare arm. "You okay?" he asked, his sincerity stabbing me sharply. I knew I couldn't let him believe this was a reconciliation.

"I'm good," I answered, stalling.

"You look good. It's nice waking up with you." His eyes were glossy with lust.

I couldn't help but laugh.

"What?" he asked, dumbfounded.

"Em, last night was...last night." I looked at him, giving him all the love I could muster in a glance.

"So we're not doing this, huh? We're not going to give this another go?"

I shook my head, too choked up to answer him verbally right away. I hated that I was turning away the easy comfort he offered, but I had to be honest with myself and him. "Don't you see? This is the way we get through things. We avoid the difficult emotions through...sex."

A look of recognition crossed his features just before a smirk appeared on his lips.

"What?" I asked.

"It's just great to get you naked again. Even after almost five years I haven't forgotten what makes you go wild."

I slugged him good mid-bicep. "Shut up."

He just laughed at my sudden embarrassment.

"So, have you been with other girls?" I asked, curious.

"Oh...uh, yeah. What about you? Have there been others?"

"Nope."

Disbelief appeared as a mask on his face. "But...no one? Really?"

"No one. Don't pity me though. Having the time I did with my dad was more important. I can't think of how it could have been better spent. Now, well...now-" I welled up, unable to continue. I tried desperately to suck the tears back up. Emmett waited patiently for my composure to return.

"I guess now I finally get the time to figure myself out." Edward fluttered through my thoughts, contradicting my declaration.

"Is there someone else?" Emmett asked. I didn't know if he really wanted to know the answer.

"Maybe."

"It's Edward, isn't it?"

I averted my eyes. I wasn't comfortable discussing it with him.

"It's alright. You don't have to talk about it. I know. Iz, promise me one thing?"

"Depends on what it is," I answered.

"Don't forget about me."

I met his eyes with mine again as I furrowed my brow. "I couldn't if I tried. You are a friend for life. I love you."

He laughed. "But you're not in love with me."

I laughed, too. I shook my head and leaned in, placing a firm kiss against his lips. It was goodbye. We finally had closure.

I was done with goodbyes and ready to take on the future. I would make my dad proud and seek my own happiness. I knew what I wanted, and I hoped he wanted me.

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**This is where the Em/B interaction ends, I assure you. I'm not sorry for writing but I do apologize to those of you that may find this to be upsetting. I think we all know who Bella belongs with, ultimately. Thank you for reading.**


	29. Chapter 29

_**Thank you to my wonderful beta, Saluki, for holding my hand through the last few chapters. I was highly criticized (and my characters sent through the paper shredder) after the funeral chapter. It made it difficult not to just pull the story. That being said, I owe it to myself and my readers to see this through. Thank you so much for reading and if you would, please leave a review.**_

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Chapter 29

The next week passed by slowly and Emmett still hadn't left. Alice hadn't either, even though Jasper had to take off after a few days; I was thankful she stayed behind. My grief came in unpredictable waves, sometimes I felt fine, but at others I was a mess. I hated the desperation I felt to talk to my dad. I loathed the moments when my heart hurt so much I thought it might burst from the pain. What heightened every feeling I experienced was my lack of contact with Edward. We hadn't talked; there hadn't even been a text. The separation was more difficult than I ever expected. I had seen him every day for months and weekly for over a year, so the lack of his presence was hard to ignore. Alice listened to my lamentations and encouraged me to call him, but I couldn't so long as Emmett was there. I didn't even know what to think about what happened with us. I didn't exactly regret it, but I worried about the implications. I had made it clear to him afterward that there was no future for us, that point could not be disputed. He finally left at the end of the second week; Alice was staying through the weekend.

With Emmett gone, I felt much more at ease. I opened up about what had happened to Alice the day before she was leaving. I had to get it off my chest. I had to tell someone.

We were sitting on the couch, sipping coffee and still in our pajamas at noon.

"I did something completely out of my mind," I confessed.

"What, I've been here the entire time, so it couldn't have been that crazy."

"No, it was and now I'm worried."

She snuggled closer to me, and I took in a whiff of her apple blossom scent. "Are you going to tell me, or what?"

"I sort of slept with Emmett."

"Shut up," she said, laughing.

"I'm not kidding."

Her face went serious. "Well, I guess it's not that weird, considering everything." Her eyes grew wide. "Are you getting back together?"

I shook my head fervently. "No, not a chance. I was just needy and he was there and I missed Edward and it sort of just happened," I rambled, rationalizing out loud.

"I don't see what the big deal is; you have nothing to worry about. Not from where I sit anyway."

"But, what about Edward?"

"What about him? I mean, I get it, you have feelings for each other, but you're not exactly together."

"Right?" I retorted. "But why do I feel so guilty about it then?"

"Because, silly, you're falling for him." She was so matter-of-fact about it.

"Do you think I should tell him?" I wanted her to say no so that I could be absolved of my guilt.

"Well, I wouldn't open with that." Alice giggled.

"Come on, I'm serious."

"I think you're worrying about it way too much. I think you need to see where things go and deal with it as it comes. At this point you haven't even talked in a week. Why don't you worry about that? I don't really see any need for you to say anything. If you do, you'll know when it's right."

"Alice Brandon, relationship guru," I said, rolling my eyes and laughing.

"At your service," she said with a salute.

After my conversation with Alice, I tried to put what happened with Emmett out of my mind and focus on what was ahead.

I broke down on Monday morning when I said goodbye to Alice. She dropped her bags and insisted she could stay, but I couldn't let her. I had to work through the grief on my own and without the emotional crutch she provided. After she left, I was alone in the house for the first time since Charlie's passing. It felt cavernous; the emptiness threatened to strangle me. I thought about calling Edward right away but suddenly felt nervous. I thought I would wait one more day. I threw myself into cleaning the house, avoiding Charlie's bedroom. I still hadn't been in there. I just couldn't. There were already too many things in the common areas of the house that reminded me of him. It was the small, unexpected things that caught me off guard, like seeing the particular coffee cups he favored or catching a glimpse of one of his hats hanging in the laundry room. In the midst of my cleaning I found a sock underneath the couch. I wondered where its match was before I broke down and sobbed right there on the floor. A perfectly average, old white sock had inspired a moment of unraveling.

By Wednesday I still hadn't called Edward, but I couldn't stop thinking about him. I had been spending my nights on the couch, falling asleep to random movies. I couldn't sleep without the sound of something in the background; the silence was much too stifling. It also didn't help that I was assaulted by a drifting scent of my dad here and there. Although it had been over a year since he had sat on the actual couch, he had somehow left a semi-permanent mark on it. The smell may have been faint, but it was there.

On Thursday I started feverishly researching housing in Seattle. I couldn't wait to get out of the house. Although it was my physical link to my dad, I was crushed by his absence, unable to function normally. The house only served as a reminder that he was no longer with me. Maybe someday I would feel differently, but I felt if I stayed, I would become stagnant and it scared me. With only six weeks to the start of the semester, I planned to head to Seattle the following week.

Saturday I woke up feeling immediately stir crazy. I decided I had to get out of the house, do something to depress the reset button. I couldn't stand it anymore; I had to call Edward. A part of me had been hoping that he would have reached out to me by now, but he did say to call when I was ready. I was ready but decided to first make a visit to the one place where everything had always seemed clearer to me.

I found myself heading in the familiar direction of First Beach, hoping I would find it deserted so that I could lose myself in the calming sound of the waves as they crashed against the shore. The barely overcast weather told me that chances were unlikely that I would get my wish.

Sure enough, I arrived to find that there were several cars but decided to make my way down to the beach anyway. I could undoubtedly find a place to obscure myself from the rest of the visitors.

The sun peeked through the cloud cover determinedly, but the rays were still struggling to break through. I had been alone in the house for a week since Alice had left and it hadn't gotten any easier. It was absolutely ironic that I wanted to be on my own outside the house. I made my way down to the beach, where a handful of people were scattered on the sand; some surfers were resting on their boards waiting for a suitable swell to appear.

I walked towards the shoreline and started walking along the surf, watching the bubbles left on the sand as it receded. I inhaled the salty air and relished the feel of the ocean spray on my face. I looked at all of the various people, the different faces, wondering if any of them had experienced the magnitude of loss I had. The world would never be the same. As I wandered along, I thought about how desperately alone I felt in the wake of my father's passing.

Or at least, I thought I was alone.

"Bella," I heard someone call from in the distance. My eyes followed the sound until they rested on the last person I expected to see, _Edward. _ My heart immediately thrummed at a quickened pace in my chest. At the sight of him I immediately knew time had not disengaged my well-developed feelings for him. I realized, in full, that he had been a large part of the hollow feeling in my chest.

We both made steps toward each other, making up the distance between us in a matter of seconds.

He was dressed in beige corduroys and a black hooded sweatshirt. His hair was windblown and wild, his eyes the same penetrating, delicious hue of green. I couldn't get over that he was there, at First Beach. "I've missed you so much," I said, feeling my bottom lip tremble.

"It feels like it's been so long since I've seen you. I'm sorry I haven't called." He enveloped me in a hug; it was good to be in his arms again. I nearly winced as he pulled back, wanting to linger there a little longer.

"I haven't called either. But...I have thought about you. What are you doing here anyway?"

"Do you want to walk with me?"

"Sure."

We started walking along the shoreline; his hands were obscured, stuffed in his pockets.

"I've been coming here since Ch-" he stopped himself. "Since the last time I saw you. The day after the service, I just found myself driving in this direction and I remembered how much you loved it, so I stopped. You were right, it's a good thinking place."

"What have you been thinking about?"

"Everything. Nothing. Charlie. _You."_

Tingles reemerged in my spine, my legs felt flimsy and my heart pounded in my chest.

"You've been thinking about me?" My voice came out in a timid timbre.

"More than I should willingly admit," he disclosed, his eyes twinkling. "I've also been hoping that you might show up."

"You know, Edward, since the day he died I've felt empty. Mostly because I haven't had him, but also because...it feels like I lost you, too."

Having put a good amount of distance between ourselves and the other beach goers, he begin walking towards a dried out log, it's brown bark had been bleached gray by the sun, and I followed. We sat down.

"The truth is, I never felt I thoroughly made up for that argument we had. I know we've been fine for a while, but I still wonder why the hell I ever let it escalate in that way. The only conclusion I could come to is that it happened because of how much I cared for you. I'm sorry things got messed up but you never lost me."

I sought out his gaze, our eyes locking before I could stop it. "Why did you pull back? What stopped you from...me?"

He laughed to himself before responding to me. "As my friends so casually relayed, I really don't have much experience with relationships. And, well, it didn't feel like the timing was right, and I was nervous about the way I felt around you." He pulled his stare away from mine.

"You had no reason to be."

"I _shouldn't_ have been. You were – I mean hopefully you still are – my friend. I was caring for your father in a professional capacity but so much of me wanted more. With how things were with your dad, I didn't want to complicate them or make it harder, but ultimately, that's what I ended up doing."

He clenched his hands together, rubbing them nervously as they rested in his lap. I reached out with my frozen fingers and took his hands in mine.

"You're so cold. Do you want to go back to your car?" he asked.

"No, I'm fine. Your hands are warm," I said, distracted by the feel of them. "I have to say, you never made things worse. That fight we had, it took its toll, but without you there I would have never made it through. Without you I wouldn't have been able to wake up and see that I was letting the disease get the best of me. It was difficult to hear it, but I needed to. Alice had stressed it. Emmett had reiterated it. But _you _were the one who got the message through." I watched as his chest rose with the deep breaths he was taking in.

"I'm scared of my feelings for you. Scared of what they mean and letting them show. But I'm also extremely scared of never letting them out."

"Don't be scared, you can tell me anything. Please don't hold back. I need you to be candid." I was on the verge of begging. My heart thumped harder with every passing second.

He licked his bottom lip. "I want to know how it would feel if I did this," he said, reaching out and stroking the hair that framed the side of my face between two of his long fingers, before trailing one down the side of my cheek. The butterflies in my stomach were multiplying by the millisecond.

"And, this..." he said in a whisper, cupping my cheeks with his hands and tilting my head up. Helpless to stop it, and nowhere near wanting to, I relaxed my body as he pressed his lips softly to mine. His lips felt tender and warm as they moved against my own. With gentle urgency, his tongue ran along my bottom lip before it met minen and I parted my lips. I returned his delicate passion in equal measure. I felt validated and warmth radiated from the center of my heart. It was a million times better than I imagined it would be the hundreds of times I had allowed my mind to go there. I was almost too lost in the feel of his lips against my own to notice when his arm came around my waist. With an easy movement, he pulled me closer to him. It was not an understatement to say the kiss was perfect. I couldn't believe it was happening and was disappointed that the moment had to meet its end.

I silently reveled in the exhilaration that was coursing through my body. I tried to let that feeling of a first kiss saturate me through to the bones, not wanting it to ever escape my memory. Things were so natural between us so...effortless. Although grief still threatened to twist its way up to the surface, I pushed it back down, allowing myself to be happy, if only in that very moment.

"I've wanted to do that for a long time," he confessed.

I looked at him and asked, "How long?" My tone was teasing.

"Maybe since the first time I saw you."

I gulped. "Really?"

He laughed in relief and said, "My heart is beating entirely too fast." After a moment he continued, "And yes..._really."_

His admission sent a shiver up my spine; it was confirmation that I wasn't delusional about it all.

"I never meant to try and force things but...I want _this."_

He let a heavy breath escape before saying the three words I wanted to hear. "I do, too."

He tenderly spun me around and pulled my back to his stomach. My head leaned against his shoulder, and his hand wrapped around my waist. This was what I had been waiting for, longing for. It felt so good tears began brimming, threatening to spill over.

"I'd like to take you out on a date," he spoke softly from above as he placed a kiss on my head.

"I mean, I know we've known each other for a while. I know we've been through so much together, but I want us to have a fresh start."

God, the moment was almost too romantic to believe, but despite his words, he was highly masculine.

"I would love to go on a date with you."

"Is tonight too soon?" he asked.

"No," I answered. "Tonight seems like a lifetime from now."

He chuckled.

"I can pick you up around four? I'd like to drive into Port Angeles."

"I'll be ready." Oh how ready I already felt. I silently hoped he didn't have some asinine "ten dates before sex" rule. Of course, from what I knew about his relationship history, or lack thereof, I doubted that was case.

I pulled away from him and turned around to see him beaming. He really was a beautiful man. He twisted his fingers with mine. "Let's go. I'll walk you up to your car.

I felt weightless and all of my senses were on alert. I was warm from head to toe, trying not to smile too wide as he held my hand the entire way back to the car. I couldn't believe how it all happened, and at the very place I felt most like myself. I leaned against my car and he put an arm on either side of me. There was heat in his eyes; I could see he had finally unleashed the side of him that he had been holding back. I felt an immediate shift between us.

We were both silent, our eyes locked, hearts beating heavy in our chests. His jaw flexed and I was completely overwhelmed by our unspoken connection.

He finally broke the charged moment. "I don't want to say goodbye," he said, one of his hands dropping to my shoulder. I think it was my left shoulder and his right hand, but I couldn't say for sure.

"I know, me either. But, I need to shower, especially if we're going to dinner."

"Dress casual. I just want you to be comfortable."

"I'm glad we're going to Port Angeles. I don't really feel like running into anyone."

"I'm sorry if I spoiled your solitude."

I tapped him on the chest with my finger and shook my head at him. "You are the only person I would want to run into."

"I like hearing that." He laughed and looked down slightly.

"I better go if I want to be ready by four."

"Okay," he said. Before I could even think, he kissed me again, planting his lips against mine in a swift movement. "I'll see you in a couple of hours." He was so sure in his action that I was left swooning.

I could feel as flames rose to my cheeks. I forgot what the inklings of a relationship felt like, all the firsts. I didn't remember the exhilaration that formed in an unknown center of the body and radiated out to every cell.

I somehow managed to get in the car and stick the key in the ignition. As soon as I was on my way, I burst into tears. I was deliriously happy but at the same time, I thought of Charlie. I was joyful and grieving. My happiness reminded me that he wasn't there to share in it, but I couldn't help but revel in everything that had just transpired. There wasn't a doubt in my mind anymore, Edward had feelings for me and he didn't seem to be holding them back in the slightest.

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**Worth the wait? I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter.**


	30. Chapter 30

**Thank you for your readership. I apologize for the long delay in posting an update - I've been having issues with posting things here and it took me a while to coordinate time and space and post! **

**Many thanks to my beta Saluki who loves the story and betas it with care.

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**

The twenty minute drive home seemed to take hours. I thought about calling Alice to squeal but stopped myself. It was just a kiss, so I didn't want to get all worked up before I knew where things were headed.

As soon as I arrived back home, I headed straight for the shower. I wanted to do everything; facial mask, deep condition my hair and shave. I felt so energized - I wasn't at all emotionally crippled as I tore up the stairs. I couldn't stop reliving the immediate past in my head. I was absolutely elated that I was spending the evening with Edward. I wanted to act as normal as possible around him but didn't know if I had the ability to contain my excitement.

I tried not to linger under the warmth of the spray but I did allow myself to luxuriate a bit as I lost myself in a daydream. _Edward kissed me. _I tried to recall the exact feeling, and as I did, tingles traveled up my spine, causing me to shiver. It was all very surreal.

After I forced myself to turn off the water, I quickly toweled off and proceeded to look for something to wear. The evenings had been trending towards chilly, so I decided to pair an evergreen colored, cowlneck tunic with my favorite dark wash skinny jeans. I wasn't kidding myself; I wanted Edward's eyes on my body. Although I was pretty confident the clothes would remain on, I made sure to wear a matching bra and panty set; I had a thing about everything matching anyway.

I used some mousse in my hair before blowing it dry, and the end product was wild and wavy; Edward hadn't seen me like this before. I scrutinized myself in the mirror, thinking maybe I had gone a bit overboard. The hair suddenly seemed large and _not me. _I decided to tame it just a bit before I applied a scant amount of makeup. I wore a pale pink shadow and exaggerated my lashes with a coat of mascara before finishing the look with a little lip gloss. I unearthed some jewelry out of the box on my nightstand, opting to wear a silver cuff bracelet and simple, silver hoop earrings. I pulled on the boots Alice had bought me the fall before, and at three forty-five I was ready to go.

Edward pulled up to the house two minutes before four. He looked casual, yet put together as he walked up the stairs, wearing tar-colored khakis and fitted black t-shirt. I noticed he had on sneakers and wondered if I should switch out my boots for something less sultry. In the end, sultry won out.

I opened the door before he could knock and immediately noticed his hand was behind his back.

"Hi," I said, looking down shyly.

He laughed a little and showed what he'd been hiding behind his back; a beautiful orange-pink flower. "Hey, you look..." he trailed off as he looked me up and down. "Just beautiful. This is for you." He handed me the flower; it was familiar but I couldn't recall the name. I felt heat surge throughout my body at his compliment and was completely dumbstruck. "Thank you. What's this flower called again? It's so pretty."

"It's a Dahlia, from my mom's garden, actually. Are you ready?"

"Yes, very." I grabbed my purse off the table, stuck the flower in a glass of water, and shut the door behind me.

Edward was two strides ahead of me and opened the passenger door. I slid in and we  
were quickly on our way.

"Can I ask where we're going?" I started the conversation. Although we had known each other for a while, I felt all the familiar nerves of a first date.

"I made reservations at Michael's, ever been?" he asked casually.

"I think once, a long time ago, with my dad." He grimaced a little and reached for my hand.

"It's okay, I can talk about him."

"You're reassuring me." He laughed before continuing, "Seems a little backwards, don't you think?"

I squeezed his hand. "I'm just happy to be doing something. You're really the first person I've spent any time with since Alice left at the beginning of the week."

"Are you comfortable?" he asked, stealing a sideways glance at me.

I sucked in a breath and decided to be forthcoming. "I'm nervous as hell, actually."

He laughed again. "Why?"

"Because it's...you. You know I've wanted this for a long time."

He couldn't hide the smile that peeked out of the corners of his mouth. "I feel the same way. Let's just take it slow, no pressure, okay?"

I nodded, let out the breath I had been holding, and tried to relax the rest of the drive into Port Angeles.

We arrived at the restaurant and were welcomed by the scent of garlic, butter and steaks on the grill. Maybe it was the smell of food cooking, but suddenly I noticed I was very hungry; my stomach growled in agreement.

The host greeted us and showed us to our table; it was tucked in the corner, away from the prying eyes of other patrons. The atmosphere was warm and inviting, though the decor seemed a little dated; it was kind of like being in a grandmother's dining room.

When we were seated, Edward looked at me, his eyes penetrating directly into mine, twinkling in the candlelight. "Do you feel like having some wine? Or are you thinking cocktail?"

"Wine sounds good." He opened the menu and looked at the list.

"Would you like to help me choose?" he asked, tilting the menu towards me.

"Sure, if we can agree," I teased, cocking an eyebrow.

He set the list in between us and we both leaned over, our heads nearly touching.

"I'm feeling the Sangiovese tonight, you?" I asked.

"Perfect, I'll pick the label," he answered without hesitation. He closed the wine list a moment later, and we both picked up our menus.

When the waiter came to take our drink order, we had already decided what to eat. We ended up ordering the Panzanella salad to share as a starter; he went with the steak and lobster while I selected the clam and calamari Arrabiata. While we waited for the salad, the conversation began to flow under the early influences of the wine.

"So what have you been up to?" I asked.

He smiled at me before answering, "Well, I've met with a few potential patients."

"How's that been going?"

"I expected to find that I would click with at least one of the three, but I've already come to the realization that there's not going to be another Charlie."

I flinched at the mention of my dad's name. Edward continued.

"I knew what I found with him was unique, I just didn't expect it to be-" He stopped mid sentence and reached out, putting his hand on mine. "I'm sorry, is this too difficult? Too soon?"

"It's difficult ...but in a good way." I tried to muster a smile.

"I don't want to make anything harder on you." He squeezed my hand, punctuating his words with the action.

"You don't. I need to get through this; avoiding difficult topics won't help me do that. So what were these potential patients like?"

The waiter delivered the salad, which had been portioned onto two separate plates; I had been hoping we might eat from the same plate, but I was too hungry to be bothered by disappointment.

I took my first bite, which was crisp and perfectly dressed, as he answered.

"One woman has Alzheimers and her husband has severe arthritis. Her symptoms are starting to worsen; they definitely need help." He took a bite of the salad before carrying on. "He can't stand the thought of her being in a nursing home, but he really needs someone available for around the clock care."

"That's so sad." I stopped eating and wiped my mouth with a napkin. I was choked up by the image of the couple in my head.

As we finished our salads, he continued to talk about the people he had met with. He had a meeting with another couple in their forties. The husband had been in a rock climbing accident and had suffered a brain injury. He was functioning but paralyzed from the waist down. Edward didn't feel comfortable committing to them as it seemed to be something that could last for years. The last woman he had met with wasn't comfortable with the fact that he was a male nurse, despite the fact that she had called him. Apparently he hadn't even got to the point of discussing the care she required.

The waiter arrived with our entrees, which looked and smelled wonderful. I was glad for the break in heavy conversation.

We ate in comfortable quiet, stealing glances at each other here and there.

My linguine was delicious; the pasta was al dente and the sauce was perfectly spicy.

"How yours?" Edward asked me.

"It's excellent. Would you like to try it?"

"Absolutely." I twirled the pasta around my fork and held it out for him. He took the fork from my grasp and lifted it to his lips. "Mmmm, that is good," he said. "Would you like to try the lobster or my steak?"

When I heard the phrase "my steak," I burst out laughing, must have been the wine. Edward decided to milk the moment. "It's very tender," he said with a smirk. He started laughing himself, unable to keep up the ruse.

Once I had recomposed myself I said, "I'd love to try a piece of your lobster _and_ your tender steak." I raised an eyebrow at him. His eyes grew slightly wider and his cheeks turned red.

I tried his lobster and then the steak, both were delectable, but nothing could compare to his company.

After we had finished our meals Edward asked, "Did you save room for dessert?"

I shook my head. "No, I don't think I can handle it. I wish I could, the warm-center chocolate cake and the Espresso creme brulee both sound decadent." A yawn escaped me.

"Are you ready to go home then?" he asked.

I didn't want the night to end...ever, and I really wasn't ready to go back to my house.

"I'm tired, but I don't want to go home."

"What do you want to do? Go for a walk? A drive?" he suggested.

I worried my bottom lip; I knew exactly where I wanted to go. I was somewhat afraid of it coming across as too forward, but I decided to seize the opportunity. "Can we go back to your place?"

I watched his expression change and a smile appear on his lips. "You want to come home with me?"

"I just don't want to be in my house; I'm dreading going back there, actually."

"Okay, my place it is."

When the waiter came back to the table Edward surprised me by ordering the creme brulee to go. "I figured you might want something sweet by the time we got back to Forks," he said.

It amazed me how the veil had lifted between us. I wondered if his previous reluctance had all centered around Charlie. I was curious if it had been the singular thing holding him back. I figured there would be plenty of time to get to the bottom of it, if things continued the way they were going.

When the bill arrived, I went for my purse. Edward responded with an immediate frown. "Not a chance," he said decisively.

"Thank you. Tonight has been so nice. I'm glad it doesn't have to be over yet."

"I'm not ready for it to end, either." Very normal words but my body was abuzz, my nerve endings responding to his simple declaration.

We made the drive back to Forks in record time. Edward seemed to have developed a lead foot during the course of the meal.

We pulled up to his place 45 minutes after we had left. "We can go through the house or take a short cut. What do you think?"

"I'm ready for an adventure."

"It will be, in those boots," he responded, laughing. I was just thrilled he had mentioned my boots. I had three and a half glasses of wine, and I was slightly giddy.

"Alright, follow me."

He led me up a pathway that followed the side of the house; it dead ended at a grouping of rocks right before the footbridge. I noticed that I would have to balance on a pointy rock in order to step up onto the bridge. Piece of cake.

"I'll go first," he said. "Then I'll help you up."

I watched him mount the rock with an easy stride. He had obviously maneuvered it several times.

I perched my foot on the rock as he took my hands into his. They felt so strong and soft. I loved his hands.

He pulled me up with an easy movement, but a little too much strength, so I kind of crashed into him, forcing our bodies together. His upper lip flared just a little bit and his lids were half lowered. Seconds later, his mouth crashed into mine; he kissed me deeply and with insistence. I felt like he was devouring me - I was willingly giving myself over.

He moaned his pleasure softly against my mouth, sending a vibration along my lips. He was pouring so much into the kiss, giving and taking at the same time. I would have happily suffocated in that moment, but he pulled away. He licked his lips and was breathing heavily. "We should go inside."

"Yeah," I replied coyly, breathless.

He unlocked the door, opened it and ushered me in before walking in behind me. I felt the heat coming off of his body in waves despite the fact the evening had indeed cooled.

I watched as he put the dessert in the fridge. The air was electrified. "Have a seat," he suggested, gesturing to the futon. I sat down and unzipped my boots. "I'm going to take these off." _Oh God, that sounded suggestive, he's going to think I'm throwing myself at him._

"Good, I want you to be comfortable."

I was relieved. "Actually, they're very comfortable," I said removing them.

"Music?" he questioned, standing over his stereo.

"Sure," I answered. A minute later _Jack Johnson_ was streaming through the speakers at a low volume.

"Would you like more wine?" he asked.

"Okay, but only if you're joining me."

"Of course," he said with a wistful smile. "I have a Zinfandel open, that okay?"

I nodded. He poured us each a glass before joining me on the futon; he sat so that we were practically touching. I rested the glass and my hands in my lap after taking a sip.

"So we've talked about me. What about you? How are you doing with everything?" He set his glass down on the coffee table and put his free hand on my knee. I swallowed hard.

"I'm doing better than I expected, but I still haven't been able to bring myself to go into his room. I haven't been in there since that night."

His hand rubbed my knee with a comforting knead. "If you want I could come over this week and get rid of the medical stuff, return the machines and what not."

Edward's offer reminded me of news I hadn't shared with him. "Actually, I'm going to be gone for a couple of days this week."

"Where are you going?"

I hadn't even thought about how my impending move could affect things with Edward. Of course, everything had only just developed. "I'm going apartment hunting in...Seattle," I confessed, hesitating on the location.

"Seattle?" I watched him take another sip of his wine; I mimicked the movement and took another sip myself.

"Yeah, when you pressed me to find my path before my dad was gone, I listened. I figured it out."

"What did you figure out?" He seemed genuinely curious.

"I start culinary school in six weeks."

He picked up my hand with his and squeezed it. "That's perfect. You're perfect." He squeezed my hand tighter and moved closer to me.

I was immediately fearful that my move would end what was only just beginning. "But now, I'm not so sure I want to move." I looked directly into his eyes as I spoke.

Without breaking eye contact, he took my wine glass out of my hand and set it down on the table. He moved even closer, wrapping his arms around me and letting his hands dip to my lower back, around my hips.

"Yes, you do." His hand came up to stroke my hair. "And don't worry, I'm not going to let a three hour drive become an obstacle to what I want." His silky tone was full of need. I swallowed hard, again.

"What do you want?" I asked in a barely there voice.

He answered me with his lips, which were moving forcefully against mine within moments. One hand ran along my back while the other was in my hair, massaging my scalp. I snaked my arms around his waist and began dragging my nails lightly up and down his back, working my way towards his neck. His lips were soft and plump against mine, and I sucked his bottom lip into my mouth, nibbling on it gently. Soon our tongues were moving together and I felt warmth expanding in between my legs. It was intense and urgent, the months of build up finally at the surface as we explored each others mouths and bodies. His hands roamed everywhere they could reach and eventually he maneuvered them beneath my shirt to the bare skin of my back. He pulled me into his lap so that I was straddling him, and I could feel that he indeed wanted me as I kissed him from above.

When we finally broke away from our wordless communication, I felt out of breath. His face was flushed, his hair a mess from my hands and he looked sexier than ever.

"So what do you want?" I teased, breaking the silence first.

He tickled my ribs with soft finger tips and we both erupted into laughter. I didn't move off of him.

"I know I haven't always been direct with you about my feelings, but it's you I want. It's always been you." His tone softened at the last words as he dragged his hands around my back and down my thighs, his eyes tracing the same line. "We have all the time in the world, so there's no need to rush."

"Mmm-hmm," I murmured, still a little bit shocked that I was there, in his lap, his hands on me.

"Ready for dessert?" he asked.

"I thought I just had it," I flirted.

He laughed and his body shook beneath mine. "I was referring to the creme brulee."

"Yeah, let's do it." I got off his lap and he retrieved the dessert, two spoons, one dish.

To an outsider, the date may have seemed perfectly mundane. For me it was simply perfection.  
We didn't even discuss him driving me home. Instead, I curled up against him and drifted to sleep comfortably nestled in his arms.


	31. Chapter 31

**I have posted an outtake of this story at .com/dungeon. It's Em/B after the funeral so visit at your own risk! (It's called "In the Midst")**

**Thanks again to my lovely readers and my beta Saluki**!

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Edward drove me home the next morning after I convinced him there was no way I would say hello to his parents. He didn't think it was a big deal, but I was way too nervous; I didn't want to hang out with his parents the morning after, although our evening had been entirely innocent.

We talked about Seattle during the ride back to my house. Edward offered to come apartment shopping with me, but I felt it was important to do it on my own. I had spent my entire life relying on someone, my dad, Emmett, even Alice. I wanted to stand on my own two feet, and this was my chance to do just that.

Edward came in for a bit once we arrived. I made us coffee and toast, and we sat down and talked some more.

"So, I'll come by on Wednesday and remove some things while you're gone, okay?" Edward reconfirmed. We were sitting close; it all was so new but so comfortable.

"It means a lot to me. Thank you," I said, looking down at my mug and blowing on the hot liquid.

Edward started running his fingers through my hair; he could have done it for hours and I wouldn't have minded. "Are you sure you don't want company in Seattle?"

I frowned, feeling on the verge of giving in; I wanted to spend more time with him. "It's not that I don't want you there. I just...I need to know that I can do this on my own."

"I get that, I do. Look at me; I live in a studio apartment on my parent's property. I see them almost every day. I understand what you're saying. I just have my own selfish reasons for wanting to go." There was a mischievous quality to his tone as his fingers moved down my neck

"Very tempting, but I'm standing firm." I laughed.

"You wear stubborn well." He smiled and I tingled all over, and that was before he leaned forward to kiss me.

I knew without a doubt that I wasn't g going to get sick of his kisses anytime soon. As we backed off from each other, he sucked in a breath of air. The sound nearly undid me.

"So, I'll see you on Thursday?" he asked, his fingers gently thrumming on my back.

"Yeah, it seems so far away all of a sudden."

"It definitely does," he agreed.

I set my coffee down and stood up. He hugged me tightly at the door, and I breathed in the earthy scent of his warm skin.

The moment he left the house I did a little run in place, excited by the fact that I had spent a good portion of the last twenty-four hours with Edward. Without thinking, and on impulse, I ran towards my dad's bedroom, stopping as soon as my hand was on the knob. I realized in the turn of a second that he wasn't in there, and my happiness turned into sorrow. I let the pain roll through me; I let it escape through tears and rib rattling sobs. Somehow I ended up on the floor, leaning pathetically against the wall. I was relieved no one was there to see my moment of collapse. The moment had caught me out of nowhere and on the tails of absolute bliss. Finally, I pulled the pieces back together and got up without a second look at the door.

I went for my phone and immediately called Alice.

"Hey, Bella!" she answered excitedly.

"Hey, A. I've got some good news."

"Then why does it sound like you've been crying?" she asked, concern all over her tone.

"Because I have. But, I'm actually very happy." I felt my lip begin to quiver.

"What's going on?" she asked.

I spilled everything to her over the next hour. I told her about culinary school and running into Edward at the beach. Our date the night before and even the toe-curling make-out session. I explained how I inadvertently ran to share the news with Charlie when I remembered he wasn't there anymore. I confessed that I had lost it completely just a few minutes before I called her. She listened intently and said all the right things, just like always.

"I can't wait to come visit you in Seattle. They have an amazing music scene. I'm sure Jazz will want to come with. I'm so excited about the culinary school thing; I'm not even going to chastise you for keeping it from me so long."

"I appreciate that," I said with a half laugh.

"So, guess what?" she asked, sounding as if she were about to burst. "Jasper and I set our date!"

"What! When did this happen?" I asked, surprised I hadn't guessed that was the news right away.

"Just yesterday. I was going to call you today to tell you, but you beat me to the phone."

"Tell me!" I exclaimed, about ready to go nuts.

"June thirteenth." There was no denying the satisfaction in her tone.

"So summer it is then, huh?" I asked.

"Yes. We even have two potential locations. You'll be my maid of honor, of course."

"Duh, like there was ever any question," I said, rolling my eyes and laughing. "I'm so happy for you."

"Thank you. You deserve happiness, too. Don't forget that."

"I'll try," I answered. "I should get going. I need to pack and do some research."

"I love you," she said.

"You too. Say hi to Jasper."

She giggled. "I will. Good luck on your apartment search. I'm so excited for you."

"Thanks. I'm excited for me, too."

"Good. I'll talk to you soon, okay?" Alice assured.

"Definitely."

We finally hung up, and I felt cleansed of my earlier sadness. I threw myself into arrangements for my trip for the rest of the day.

I didn't know anyone in Seattle other than Jake and Rosalie, so I took a chance and called them. Jake was going to be busy with training exercises, but Rosalie offered to meet me for lunch. She offered to let me stay at their place, but I wanted my own space, so I reserved a hotel in the city.

I set up appointments to see four apartments that I had found online. I felt confident that one of them would work out. If not, I could always do more research once I was there. I quickly realized that I would be coughing up at least $1000 per month for rent. I could afford it, thanks to my trust, but it was a little more than I expected to have to shell out.

After my bag was packed, I showered and headed to bed early. As I drifted off to sleep, I couldn't help but let my mind wander over the details of my date with Edward. I think I must have fallen asleep with a smile on my face

I was on the road by eight-thirty in the morning. I felt well rested, but my mind would not stop racing. I started analyzing everything that had happened between Edward and me. Was Edward just the rebound after my father's death? I began to worry that I should have been upfront with him about what happened between Emmett and me right away. I was concerned Edward might think I had betrayed him if I told him later on. Suddenly, the separation felt like too much, and I reconsidered the fact that I had turned down his offer to come with me. My mind was running in circles on a never ending loop of anxiety driven concerns. I turned on the radio to try and distract myself. It worked for awhile, but a knot had formed in the center of my stomach, and I wondered at the sudden onset of nerves.

Halfway between Forks and Seattle, I finally started to calm down. I was still confounded by the feelings that Edward inspired in me, but knew I had to put my worries aside and focus on what I had to do.

I rolled into Seattle three hours and five minutes after I had left and navigated my way to the first apartment.

The place was nice and definitely spacious enough for one person, but I wanted to see the other places on my list before I formed any kind of opinion.

When I was done, I called Rosalie and we met for lunch at Etta's, per her suggestion. It was an artsy cafe, right across from the water, and as soon as I walked through the door I knew from the wafting scent of food that it was going to be good. Rosalie was already there and waved to me from a table next to the window.

I didn't know Rosalie very well at all, but it was soothing to see a familiar face in the city I would soon call home.

"Hi, thanks for meeting me," I greeted her as I walked up to the table.

"I'm glad you called, Bella. It's good to see you again," she answered as I sat down.

"You, too." I smiled at her and couldn't help but notice her pristine beauty. Her complexion was flawless, and her hair was shiny and gold, falling in loose waves down her back. Her lips were stained red, and her eyes were a sparkling blue. Other than the lipstick, she appeared to only have on mascara; the girl did not need anything, which made me slightly jealous.

I picked up my menu and started to look at it.

"Are you doing okay?" she asked, her voice sweet but thankfully lacking any trace of pity.

"I'm okay, just taking things a day at a time."

"You're a strong girl, that's for sure. I don't think I could have done what you did. Of course, having Edward around had to be a bonus."

I nearly spit out the water I had just taken a sip of and felt my cheeks begin to warm. I knew it was somewhat obvious that Edward and I had chemistry; I just didn't realize everyone around us had noticed. Alice? Sure. My dad? Of course. But Rosalie had spent a very limited amount of time with us , so I was caught off guard. The shock must have registered on my face, or maybe it was the fact that I didn't respond.

A smile appeared on Rosalie's lips, and she raised an eyebrow at me. "There is something going on with the two of you, isn't there?" She was bold, I had to give her that.

I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. "There is, but it only just happened."

"Well, don't act embarrassed, he's hot. Plus, he has that whole soothing nurse-thing going on."

The waitress came and took our orders a few moments later.

"Sorry, I'm still adjusting to the idea that there's something to talk about."

"I was sure that the two of you had something going on at Thanksgiving," Rosalie said.

I laughed. "Hardly, we were just getting to know each other. And it wasn't an easy situation seeing how he worked for us and all."

"You look like a girl in love, I'm telling you," she observed.

"I don't know if it's quite to that point." She shot me a look of disbelief.

"I'm serious," I defended. "We literally went out for the first time the night before last."

"You better jump on that, honey. The two of you have something; I could sense it the first night we met."

"I'm on it, believe me." I laughed. "How are things with you and Jake?"

She got a dreamy look in her eye before casting a glance out the window. Her sharp answer caught me by surprise. "He drives me wild, and I mean that in a good way. I always said I would never date anyone I met while working. It was myonly rule. Then I met Jake and the rule went out the window."

"You seem good together."

"Oh," she paused and a devilish smile curled her lips. "We're good together. Trust me."

I couldn't help but smile back at her.

Our conversation changed course when she asked about the apartments I was looking at. She told me that the second one I was going to see would be the one. She insisted it would blow the other ones away, but I was waiting to see for myself.

We ate our lunch and chatted about her oddly fascinating profession before I said goodbye and hurried off to meet the manager of the Elliott Bay Plaza.

Rosalie had been right. As soon as I saw the apartment, I knew it was the one. The kitchen was a bit smaller than I was hoping for, but the appliances were name brand and new. The view from the window afforded a peek of the bay and overlooked the pool. The living room was expansive, the walls painted a creamy coffee color, and the carpet felt soft and plush beneath my feet. The bedroom was larger than mine at home and would accommodate my furniture nicely. The bathroom was an average size, but the modern styling made it feel less like a rental. My gut told me that I didn't even need to see the other two.

I conveyed to the manager, Anderson, that I was extremely interested but wanted the afternoon to think it over. I made a plan to call him the following morning; I didn't want to seem overly anxious or desperate. I ended up canceling my other appointments as soon as I left and headed for the hotel. I had booked a standard room at the quirky Ace Hotel, totally my kind of place. It was sparsely and modernly decorated with shared bathrooms down the hall. I had read about it in a travel magazine and had wanted to stay there ever since. Instead of candy on your pillow, they provided condoms, which made me giggle. It also made me think of Edward.

I turned in early and slept well. After showering, I headed out on foot to Pike Place Market. I grabbed myself a coffee and roamed the streets. I was familiar with Belltown and felt comfortable there, which was good, seeing as the school was located in the area. I took several deep inhales of the salty, moist air, letting the atmosphere envelop me. My life was changing, and I could feel it at my very center in a place I couldn't identify by description. I winced when I thought of my dad but held the tears at bay. I smiled as I thought of Edward, hoping beyond hope that this move wouldn't halt what had been developing between us.

I called Anderson at around ten o'clock and said that I wanted the apartment. I had the keys in hand after signing the paperwork and putting down the deposit an hour later. It felt exciting and scary and real. I would have left Seattle immediately, but I had a meeting at the school the following day. I was happy for a break in my solitude when my phone buzzed in my pocket, and I saw that it was Edward calling.

"Hey," I answered, unable to avoid a face-splitting smile.

"Hi, how are things going?"

"Really good. I just finished signing the papers for the apartment."

He laughed. "That was quick, so you're happy with it?"

"Yes, very. Though it makes me wonder."

"Wonder what?" he asked.

"Everything just seems to be falling into place so easily. I feel like I have to pinch myself."

"You deserve it. It probably is just strange after everything you've been through in the last few years."

"Yeah, you're right. It will take some getting used to, being happy."

"Are you happy?" he asked, curiosity dominating his tone.

"You should see the smile on my face." I laughed lightly.

He was quiet for a moment.

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"I miss you."

I felt my ears warm and my cheeks ached from smiling at the simple declaration.

"I miss you, too."

There was a lull in conversation, but even through the phone, it didn't feel awkward. It was as if we were both just content to be connected in some way.

"So we're still on for Thursday?" he finally asked.

"Unless you're over me already," I answered sarcastically.

He laughed, too. "Call me when you get home or anytime."

"I will. Can't wait to see you."

I heard a smile in his voice as he answered, "Yeah, me too."

The next twenty-four hours passed at a painfully slow rate. I was ready to get back to Forks and to Edward. The meeting at the school went wonderfully, and my courses for the first quarter were set. I had just dedicated myself to three years of culinary academics. It was overwhelming and exciting. Exhilaration pumped through me. I'd be almost thirty by the time I was finished, but I felt what was most important was that I was doing it. I was finally following through with something for myself. The future was wide open, but I was definitely on a path. I couldn't help but feel accomplished, although the real work was all in front of me.

I hit the road back to Forks as soon as possible. As I put distance between myself and the city and was surrounded by more trees than buildings, my thoughts suddenly turned to Charlie. I was so overcome, that I didn't have the strength to hold back my tears. I was strangled by my grief so entirely, I had to pull over. I rolled down the window to get some fresh air, feeling suffocated. I couldn't get enough oxygen, so I got out of the car.

The emotion caught me off guard, and I couldn't stop the ache I felt inside my chest or the uncomfortable ball that had formed in my stomach. I looked up at the sky, seeking something, anything to provide me comfort.

And then I had another moment, one that would stay with me forever. A sign that would tattoo itself on my mind, leaving its mark permanently.

Out of nowhere, a magnificent bald eagle swooped down in front of me, its wings splayed out regally as it soared. It circled up above me for a few minutes. I was fixated on it, unable to peel my eyes away. When it disappeared from my view, I realized that I was blanketed in calm, relieved of my heartbreak. Maybe it was my imagination, but I was sure that I felt my dad's presence in that brief passage of time.

I got back in my car still marveling at the experience and made the drive home without further incident.


	32. Chapter 32

**Did you know there's a Living Through It Outtake? It's Em/B - that infamous night, so read at your own risk! .?sid=677&warning=4**

**Thank you again, for being such awesome readers and bearing with the long wait between chapters**!

* * *

I called Edward as soon as I was settled at home. He planned to come over around eleven and insisted on bringing lunch. He also said he had news for me.

I was aware that he had been by the house recently, but Charlie's door was still shut. After my breakdown on the road, I knew I wasn't ready to walk through that door just yet. .

I turned in early, excited and already nervous with anticipation for the next day.

The next morning, I awoke feeling a flutter of anticipation in my stomach. I smiled to myself, knowing I was going to see Edward in a few short hours. Freshly showered and too anxious to stomach anything, I distracted myself by flipping aimlessly through stations on the television. Nothing held my interest because thoughts of Edward were dominating my mind. It was ten-thirty in the morning, and I was already the personification of impatience. I couldn't stop nervously shaking my leg so I stood up to pace. I started yawning because apparently I had forgotten how to breathe. I was a wreck, and until Edward made his appearance, I knew nothing was going to change.

Time ticked by in painfully slow increments. I knew once he showed up, I would have the opposite problem. Finally, there was a knock at the door; he was five minutes early.. I bolted to the door and flung it open, unable to hold back my very wide smile.

He laughed. "Happy to see me?"

I laughed, blushing slightly at my reaction, and instantly relaxed. "How could you tell?" I answered, bowing my head bashfully.

"Well, I hope you're hungry," he commented as he walked in the door.

"Starved, actually. I haven't eaten yet," I replied. "It's beautiful out, maybe we should eat outside?"

"Sounds good to me."

I grabbed some blood orange soda from the fridge and headed out back. Edward was already there unpacking the lunch. The table on the back porch was small, really made for two, and it was so nice to have someone share it with.

"So, I've brought some chicken salad, hummus, smoked salmon, crackers, pita bread, a nectarine and brie."

"Niiice," I said, drawing out the word. "I'm impressed. Why only one nectarine?"

"I could only find one that was ripe, end of summer and all."

"Nectarines are my favorite."

He smiled, obviously pleased by my reaction.

We dug into the spread; everything was delicious. I decided to save the nectarine for last.

"What's this news you have?" I asked him before taking a bite of a cracker with chicken salad.

"You first. Tell me about the apartment."

I described the place in detail to him, hoping beyond hope that he would be spending a lot of time there. If I closed my eyes, I could see him sitting on the couch in my new living room, waking up in my bed; it was all I could do not to pour out all my hopes of our future together.

"Sounds ideal. You deserve that, you know."

"No more than anyone else. Now, stop leaving me in suspense. What's your news?" I demanded.

"I found a new patient," he answered casually.

"You did? That's so wonderful," I replied enthusiastically.

"It's going to be a little different this time. I've taken on a pediatric charge." He sounded somewhat somber, and I reached out to grasp his wrist.

"You're going to be wonderful. Tell me about him? Her?"

"A little boy, eleven. His name is Nathan; he has leukemia." I watched as his Adam's apple bobbed in his throat as he swallowed.

"What's his prognosis?" I asked in a gentle tone.

"He was in remission for a year and a half, but the cancer has come back. He's going through one more course of chemotherapy. All his parents can do is pray and hope that he responds well to the treatment."

I scooted my chair closer to his and took his hand in mine. "You are one of the strongest, most selfless people I've ever met, you know that?"

He smiled a little. "No, not really. I'm actually really scared about this, but it feels right. It feels right like you feel right."

I averted my gaze and blushed fiercely. "I'll be there for you. Even if I'm not here, I want you to know you can lean on me in any way you need."

"That means a lot." He squeezed my hand and I squeezed back. "So, are you going to eat that nectarine or what?" he asked, carefully changing the subject.

I picked up the nectarine and bit into it. It was pleasantly cool, ripened to perfection, and its sweet juice burst in my mouth with a rush of flavor.

"Good?" Edward asked.

"Perfect."

He grimaced slightly. "I'm a little jealous, may I?"

I held the fruit up so he could take a bite. He leaned towards my hand but at the last second changed course and kissed me instead. He sucked my bottom lip into his mouth, and I forgot all about the nectarine as he increased the intensity of the kiss. My hunger was back, only this time, it was his mouth I craved. I parted my lips and soon felt the wet velvet of his tongue on mine.

A soft "Mmmm," sound escaped me as his soft lips pressed against my own. We were kissing so hard that my lips began to grow numb and tingles traveled under my skin. He broke away from my mouth and peppered my jaw line and neck with feather light kisses. My breath caught in my throat as I said, "I thought you were jealous?"

He laughed. "I was...of the nectarine."

I slugged him playfully in the arm. "You're a dork."

He laughed. "At least I'm a selfless, strong dork, right?"

I just shook my head and laughed to myself. It felt so right to be with Edward. There was no pressure to be anything other than myself. It had been so long since I didn't have to worry about one thing or another that I didn't want the moment to end. But, I knew that before I could fully move forward, I had to go back.

"I think I'm ready," I said out of the blue.

"Ready for what?"

"To see my dad's stuff, go in his room. I mean, if you'll come with me?"

"Sure. I'll do whatever you need," he said, taking my hand in his. "Want to go now?

I nodded and we stood up.

"I'm probably making this a bigger deal than I should, huh?" I asked him as we walked towards the door.

"Hey," he said, pulling me around to face him. "It is a big deal. These things affect everyone differently. Let yourself be and just deal how you have to." He leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips. It was the last bit of reassurance I needed.

I turned back and opened the door. My senses were immediately overwhelmed. I felt Charlie so much. The smell of him lingered in the air, and although the room had been cleaned, articles of clothing were lying about. It was easy to see that Edward had been thorough about removing all evidence of my dad's medical needs. The only thing left was the hospital bed that had held him prisoner for so many months. I walked up to the bed, running my hand along the thin blanket on top before burying my head against the pillow at the end. Charlie's scent was the strongest there, and I drank it in with my nose, absorbing what was still left of him in that room. Next I walked over to the chair, the one I had spent so many nights in so that I could be a constant at his side. I curled my legs underneath myself as I sat in it, closing my eyes and remembering some of our last conversations with vivid recall. I started to cry gently, overwhelmed by the way everything arrived at the forefront of my mind with crystal clarity. But I wasn't alone.

I sensed as Edward drew closer before kneeling down at my side. "Are you okay?" he asked under his breath.

"I think I am," I answered without opening my eyes. My cheeks began to feel cool where the tears left their trails, and I was relieved when I felt Edward's hand on my knee, reminding me that I wasn't alone. He knew exactly how far to push, what not to say. I don't know how long I sat there, but he never left my side. He was right there, just as he had been since he came into my life.

When I felt ready, I stood up and took in one more deep breath of air. "Let's get out of here," I said, trying not to sound too somber. In actuality, I felt cleansed.

We walked out and I noticed that he started to close the door behind him. "No, leave it," I said.

"You sure?" he asked.

"Yes. Thanks for everything you did in there. It must have taken all day."

"It wasn't that bad," he answered in a reassuring tone.

"Just let me thank you, okay?" I said with a twinge of whine.

"Okay. You're welcome." His arms came around me from behind, and I sunk back into him.

"Can you stay today? Do you have anything to do?" I asked, hoping the answer was no.

"Nope. I'm all yours."

I smiled widely for the second time that day.

"I like the sound of that."

He stepped closer, taking me in his arms. "Me too." His voice was velvet in my ear.

"What do you want to do?" I asked in a whisper.

"What do you want to do?" he repeated the question back to me. I couldn't help but laugh.

"Maybe a movie? Pizza? Conversation?" I offered.

"I'm happy to just hang out, sounds perfect."

"Let's make pizza!" I said, a little too excited by my own idea. Edward laughed.

"Works for me."

"If I start now, I can make the dough from scratch. Would you mind picking up a few things from the store? Toppings and such?" I asked.

"Give me a list and I'll go now."

"And you can pick a movie. I'm not too picky, just nothing depressing."

"Damn," he said sarcastically. "I was thinking the Notebook."

I rolled my eyes before I scratched down a quick list of things I needed.

A few hours later the pizza was in the oven, and we each had a cold beer in hand. We were cuddled up on the couch, just enjoying the nearness of one another when I decided to ask some questions I'd had on my mind for a long time.

"Edward-" I started, pausing to wait for the go ahead.

"Yeah?" I turned around so I could find his eyes.

"Have you really never had a girlfriend?"

He chuckled nervously, or so it seemed. "So we've reached that point, huh?" He raised a single eyebrow at me.

"I've been wondering since New Years, if you want to know the truth."

"Thanks for not bugging me about it that night." His voice was full of graciousness.

"It wasn't the time or the place but now...I just wonder." I twirled my hair around my finger to do something with my idle hands.

"I've had girlfriends, but nothing major. No real relationships to speak of."

"Have you ever been in love?" I asked, honestly curious.

"Maybe," he responded, a sly grin appearing on his lips.

"I'm serious."

He furrowed his brows just a bit; I wondered if I was asking too much, too soon.

"There was a girl once. About five years ago, I spent my summer in South Africa. I met her there. She was one of those people just full of life and...I did have strong feelings for her. But there's not been anyone like-" he paused and took a deep breath. "Bella, there's not been anyone like you."

My heart raced; I tingled from head to toe. My blood was rushing through my veins with the force of a tsunami. I wanted this; him, us, everything, and I wanted to start it off with a clear conscious. I took the initiative to lean in and kiss him softly on the lips. "There's not been anyone like you for me, either. But there's something I need to tell you."

"It won't bother me if you felt this way for someone; I know you were married, I get that."

I smiled and shook my head at him. "I was married, yes. And I loved Emmett, I did. But the feelings were never like this. They weren't ever this intense. We were young; I don't think either of us really knew what true love was back then. Hell, we didn't even know ourselves yet. Honestly, I fell for you a long time ago." I hoped he could hear the sincerity in my tone. I hoped it would mitigate the impact of the information I was about to disclose.

He put a comforting hand at my hip. "You can tell me anything."

"I don't know how to say this other than just to say it."

"Go ahead," he urged me on, squeezing my hip.

"I slept with Emmett recently." He retracted his hand just slightly but didn't let go. I closed my eyes, too afraid of what I might see reflected in his.

"Was it in the past week recently?" he asked, seemingly composed. I opened my eyes back up. His eyes still held the warmth, but I could feel a slight shift in the mood. There was tension now.

"No, and-"

He cut me off. "Well, then there's really nothing to talk about, unless things aren't finished."

"I wanted it to be you," I blurted out.

He turned red up to the tips of his ears and laughed, breaking through the stress I had brought out.

"So, you want to sleep with me?" He looked pretty happy with himself in that moment. I blushed at his crafty comeback.

I gave him my most sultry look and brought my face to his. Our noses were almost touching, our eyes were locked; I whispered, "Yes," and brushed my lips against his as I spoke.

He attacked me with his mouth, kissing me with such urgency I couldn't breathe. The friction created heat that ran up through my body in delicious waves, and my lips felt like they were on fire. His hands were suddenly in my hair, pulling gently, as he ran his fingers through to the ends.

When he finally pulled away and sucked in a breath of air, he was the first to speak. "The feeling? It's mutual."

I felt instantly like there was as swarm of bees in my stomach as a buzz traveled under my skin, radiating out to the tips of my toes and the top of my scalp.

Whether I was ready to admit it or not, I was already in love with Edward; the only question left to be answered was if he was in love with me.


	33. Chapter 33

Edward squeezed my hand. "Stop being so nervous; you have nothing to worry about."

We were on our way to his parents for dinner. We had comfortably settled into our relationship over the past two weeks, and he insisted that it was time I was formally introduced as his girlfriend.

"I just want them to like me," I responded, trying to keep the desperation out of my voice.

Edward laughed. "They already like you." He shook his head, seeming amused. "Come on, you've met them both before and spent a lot of time with my dad, this will be cake." I shifted nervously and felt my palm sweating, gross.

He brought my hand to his lips and kissed it. His lips were so soft against my skin, and I blushed at the intimate moment. Everything was still so new, yet completely relaxed. We fit, we really, really fit and I wanted nothing more than to have his parents see that. I was putting the pressure on myself, but I couldn't help it. This was important to me; _Edward_ was important to me.

"I just don't want to screw anything up."

He laughed again. "You sound like my mom. She's nervous to cook for you, you know."

"I'm sure whatever she makes will be delicious. It's actually pretty nice to have someone cook for me. I felt my nerves ease slightly.

"See, you just need to kick back and let someone take care of you for once." I sighed internally. I was getting used to his company, to letting him take care of me; I was going to miss him. In one month I would be in Seattle and our visits would be relegated to the weekends.

I laughed in disbelief. "You've been picking up my pieces for over a year now."

He shook his head. "No, through everything that happened, you were so much stronger than you think." He kissed my hand again.

We had really made the most of our time together, though we still hadn't crossed the final threshold of physical intimacy. Kissing him was always amazing; I never wanted to stop once I started. Feeling his hands on my body brought on all the responses it should; there were tingles, heavy breathing, fluttering in my stomach, unbidden sounds of pleasure. Every little touch brought on a wonderful new sensation, and I soaked it all up. With each touch, each kiss, it was like he brought a part of me back to life.

We pulled up in front of his family's property a few minutes later. I took one last inhale of air and blew it out, willing myself calm.

As I stepped out of the car, Edward was there to take my hand and gently pull me upstairs and through the front door.

"We're here," he called once we had walked through the door.

"We're in the kitchen," Carlisle called back.

Edward pulled me into his side, kissing me on the temple. "You look beautiful," he said.

"I think you already said that," I said under my breath.

"It bears repeating." I blushed yet again. We made our way to the kitchen where his parents were waiting for us.

"Bella," Esme said, putting down her knife and making her way over to me. "I'm so happy you came. I've been bugging Edward to have you over for a while." She extended her arms, and I submitted to the hug.

"Thank you for having me, Mrs. Cullen."

She frowned at me in jest. "You know I want you to call me Esme. Mrs. Cullen was my mother-in-law."

I laughed at her. She exuded such warmth and an incredible zest for life. "Okay, Esme it is."

"And, I know it might be strange, but I hope you'll be okay with calling me Carlisle," Dr. Cullen cut in.

"It will take some getting used to, I'll admit."

"Well, how about some wine then? It will help us all loosen up a bit ," he offered.

"Sounds great," I responded.

We made small talk in the kitchen as we sipped on our wine. I opted for the Sauvignon Blanc Carlisle proffered. It smelled divine in the kitchen; Esme was making a chicken piccata, and if my nose was my pallet, I would have to say it was it was perfectly seasoned. I was excited to try it and knew she had nothing to be nervous about; I wasn't a food critic anyway.

Edward and I stood together, his arm around my waist as I leaned into him.

"I think we can all sit down now," Esme said after about thirty minutes.

Edward showed me to my seat before sitting down next to me. Carlisle joined us a moment later, Esme following behind with salads.

She served them on chilled pewter plates, very classy. Carlisle poured me another glass of wine, and we ate while continuing to talk. Once we had all finished, Carlisle stood up to help Esme clear the salad plates and serve the main course.

Edward leaned in and chastely kissed me on the lips. "Are you having a good time?"

I smiled. "I really am. I was nervous for nothing."

"Told you," he said with a touch of arrogance before taking another sip of his own wine.

I shook my head at him but couldn't help but let a smile peek out of the corners of my mouth.

Esme and Carlisle placed beautifully arranged plates in front of us. "I hope it's good; I've never cooked for a chef before."

I laughed. "I'm hardly a chef by any stretch," I assured.

"But you're going to be and from what I've sampled, you're already there."

Carlisle looked at her with the twinkle of love in his eyes. "You're a wonderful cook, darling. I think you can relax."

The exchange was so intimate and also reminiscent of the moment I had with Edward on the ride over. I had never seen it - love between two people so real you could sense it physically. It was no wonder my marriage had failed, I'd never had this example of a healthy, destined-to-be kind of romance.

"Carlisle is right. This looks and smells amazing."

She smiled bashfully at me. "The linguine has sauteed spinach, lemon, pine nuts and shaved Parmisiano-Reggiano."

The chicken was delectably tender and seasoned exquisitely, and the pasta was a perfect complement. I let out an "mmm" because it really tasted delicious.

"This is really good, mom. Like I said, you had nothing to worry about." Edward was smug again.

She hit him on the arm with the back of her hand. "Cut it out. It's the first time I've cooked for Bella. Forgive me for being nervous, but I've been hearing you rave about her talents for over a year." Edward turned bright red. His mom knew exactly how to put him in his place.

While we ate, we talked about culinary school a little. I explained all the nerves and excitement I was feeling. I even confessed to the dread I felt about being so far away from home and Edward.

"I'll be there on the weekends, and if I ever have any free time on the weekdays, I'll spend it with you."

It was so exposing to express the sentiments right in front of Carlisle and Esme, but at the same time, I didn't feel uncomfortable in the least. The evening passed quickly, and I realized how nice and normal it all seemed. This is what family should be like. Not that I would ever change a thing about my childhood experience. I loved what Charlie and I shared as father and daughter and wouldn't trade it for anything.

Once we had finished eating, I offered to help with the dishes. "You don't have to help, Bella," Esme said as she stood up.

Carlisle stood up behind her and rested his hands on her shoulders. "How about you ladies go and sit down in the living room while Edward and I tackle the dishes?"

"That sounds nice, thanks, honey."

So the boys took over dish duty while Esme and I found ourselves alone with each other for the first time.

"I'm so happy to have you here, Bella." She had the warmest smile and continued to offer it up over and over again.

"Thanks, it's really nice being here. It's been more comfortable than I expected. I was nervous earlier; I certainly don't want to intrude on your family."

She laughed in response; the delighted sound of her voice relieved any nerves that remained. "You make my son very happy. I've never seen him like this. Trust me, you could never be an intrusion."

I felt my cheeks turn red and looked down at the floor before meeting her eyes again. "He makes me happy, too. I just...your family is so...perfect." I stumbled over my words.

Esme laughed again. "Oh, honey, no family is perfect. But I do like to think that I ended up with the mother lode when it comes to mine. I would have loved for Edward to have had a brother or sister, but that wasn't in the cards." Her eyes grew distant for a moment, like she was recalling something painful.

"Are you okay?" I asked and immediately wished I could retract the question.

Her eyes refocused on mine. "I am, really. I had some obstacles that prevented me from having more children. But, Edward completes my world and my heart. As a mother, I couldn't be more fulfilled."

"I'm sorry to have reminded you of something difficult."

"You have nothing to apologize for, please." Her tone was sincere, and I accepted what she said without hesitation. "How are you doing, sweetie? Are _you_ okay?"

I paused for a moment, composing myself internally. "I have good days and bad days. I think about my dad a lot. It already seems like it's been so long since he's been with me." I started to choke up, and Esme placed her hand on top of mine. "He was my entire family." Of course I had Alice, Billy, and the guys at the station, but when it came down to it, Charlie had been my only blood tie.

Esme looked at me with compassion. "I know it's not the same, but I hope that you will be comfortable with ours. It's nice to have another woman to talk to."

"I already am very comfortable.."

"I'm glad you feel that way." She smiled and patted my hand.

Edward and Carlisle rejoined us a few moments later. Edward sat down next to me, securing his arm around my shoulders. It was wonderful to feel his warmth surround me.

"Is anyone ready for dessert?" Esme asked. "I made a bay leaf panna cotta; it should be nice and light after the heavy meal."

"I thought the meal was nice and light, actually. A sign of true skill in the kitchen when preparing a pasta dish," I complimented. Everybody laughed.

"That was cute," Edward whispered in my ear. The feel of his lips against my ear sent a shiver up my spine. I had to fight the urge to close my eyes.

Carlisle clapped his hands together. "I'm always ready for dessert. Would anyone like coffee?"

Edward and I both shook our heads. I was starting to lose myself in him, and as much as I was enjoying the time with his parents, I was ready to be alone.

A few moments later, we were all enjoying the fruits of Esme's labor. The panna cotta was simply divine, smooth and silky on my tongue with a delicate lemon flavor.

"Maybe I should forgo culinary school and just come learn from you," I said to her.

"You flatter me. I'm sure you could teach me much more. I just followed a recipe," she demurred.

After about another half an hour, Edward raised his arms above his head, stretching. "I don't know about you, but I'm tired," he said, just loud enough for me to hear. He turned to his parents. "Mom, dad, thank you so much for tonight. I think we're going to take off."

We all stood up and exchanged hugs. It had all gone so much better than I had anticipated. I meshed with his parents like I had with Edward.

"Walk safely," Carlisle called as we exited through the kitchen en route to Edward's studio.

I couldn't help but laugh. It was a little strange that he knew we were going to Edward's room. In the end, I knew it was something I had to get used to.

Edward wrapped his arms around me from behind and nuzzled his nose into my neck as we walked across the bridge. I could feel him breathe in before I felt the warm exhale of his breath against my neck.

We had barely made it through his door when he flipped me around and kissed me with a desperate force. I could feel his hunger and it was all for me. His lips were soft and tasted of wine and the slightly sweet essence of bay leaf. We kissed until we were both breathless, though I only craved more of his urgent mouth.

He pulled me over to the futon by both hands, sat down, and settled me into his lap. He brushed my hair back from my face and found my eyes with his own. "They love you," he said in a husky whisper.

"I feel the same way. They are incredible; it's no surprise that you turned out so wonderfully."

His tongue darted out and licked his lips and his lids closed half way. "Bella, I love you."

My heart began to charge in my chest, and I felt speechless. The three little words hit me with such impact, I felt outside of my body. It was everything I had waited for. Before I could speak, I leaned in and kissed him, returning the sentiment with my actions before barely pulling away. Our noses were brushing and our lips were almost touching. "I love you, Edward."

He closed the small space between us in the turn of a half a second, and we were connected, fully and completely. I pressed my body to his, desperate to get as close as possible. I ran my hand along his neck until it was in his hair. It was all real now, a dream come to life. We loved each other, we were in love. It felt so good I felt tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. Soon, I began to lose myself to his touch and affection. His hands were on my waist, then my back, and soon he had flipped me over so that he was on top of me. He placed warm, soft kisses along my neck while one of his hands found its way under my shirt. He traced a finger over the swell of one breast, before spreading his fingers wide and massaging it gently. I let my own hands travel beneath his shirt, anxious to feel his skin. There was only one way left for us to express our love, and I was done waiting.

"Bella, I want you. I want _all_ of you." His tone was laced with a hunger I hadn't heard before, and his spoken declaration matched my thoughts. I felt like screaming with joy that we were so connected, so in sync.

With no voice to speak my consent, I nodded at him. Within a few moments we were both stripped of any barriers, there was no slow reveal. Flesh to flesh and inhibitions aside, we made love for the first time, sealing ourselves to one another.

Edward Cullen was really mine and I was unfailingly his. After everything I'd been through, I finally believed that life after death was possible - I had found that through him.


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter 34

I was taping up one of the last boxes I had packed when there was a knock at the door.

It had been two weeks since dinner with the Cullens. Edward had started his nursing contract and I had passed the time by packing. I had decided to rent out the house. I figured it would be better for it to be used rather than sit there gathering dust; hollow and empty. I assumed that someone was stopping by to see it on a whim. When I opened the door and found Edward standing on the other side, I was very pleasantly surprised.

"Hey!" I said, throwing my arms around his neck. "Did I forget you were coming by?"

I felt his lips widen in a smile against my ear.

"Is there something wrong with surprising my girlfriend?"

A shiver shot up my spine at the word. Sure, labels were silly but I really liked hearing that word on his lips.

I pulled back and smiled. "No, it's a good thing."

He ran a hand through his hair and took in a breath. I noticed every little motion, every slight change in his mood. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"Have you checked your mail?" he asked randomly.

I thought about it. "No, actually I haven't checked it in a few days." I started to walk past him to go outside when he caught me by the arm.

"Wait," he said. "Let me get it for you."

"Edward, what's up? You're acting very strange." I couldn't pinpoint it but something was definitely off.

"Just let me get it and then I'll explain, okay?"

"Okaaaaay," I answered back, drawing out the word. I watched as he quickly walked the length of the ramp and up to the mailbox before turning around, walking into the house, and sitting down on the couch.

When he walked back in he had a piece of mail in hand, separated from the rest. He set the pile down on the table other than the singular, large envelope.

"What's with all the elusiveness? Will you tell me what's up?"

He smiled. "Sorry, baby. I'm not trying to freak you out." He took my hand in his. "I got something in the mail yesterday and I figured you might have something, too. I didn't want you to be alone when you opened it."

He handed over the envelope. It was from an attorney's office.

Enclosed was a letter from the executor of Charlie's estate. There was to be a reading and execution of his will in one week. I didn't know what to feel - I was mostly indifferent. I looked at Edward; his eyes held deep compassion.

"You got this too?"

He nodded. "I wasn't sure how you would feel about it, you know, me. I'm shocked that I'm included."

I smiled at him. "I'm not. You were important to him. You listened to him, showed him patience and respect, went beyond the call of duty. You were more than we ever could have hoped for."

He laughed. "Stop or my head won't fit through the door."

"Maybe I should keep going then. Entrapment by ego inflation." I leaned in and kissed him softly.

When I pulled back he was smiling. "Thank you for coming. I'm okay, but it means everything that you wanted to be at my side."

He was running his fingers delicately through my hair; it felt so wonderful to share that intimacy with him. "I love you so much," he said.

"I love you." My heart was beating insistently. When he spoke the words I felt their impact and knew that there was an army of conviction behind them.

A week later, at one o'clock in the afternoon, Edward, Billy and I were all sitting in the law offices of Shawn O'Brien, Esq.

"So, you two are dating?" Billy asked, eying our linked hands.

I looked down bashfully. "Yeah, you could say that."

"Charlie approved, you should know."

Edward and I said at the same time, "We know." We all laughed.

Thirty minutes later I was entirely overwhelmed by everything that came about during the reading of the will.

My inheritance had left me numb with shock; I knew my father had money, but his estate was much larger than I had expected. I was completely dumbfounded by the dispensation. Charlie had gifted Billy with a tidy six figure sum, and Edward had received a fifty thousand dollar bonus. Charlie had left Alice the same as Edward, and the Forks Police department was granted a six figure gift specifically to be distributed as compensation. Charlie had a large list of beneficiaries of his generosity.

Edward, Billy and I headed out to the diner to process everything we had learned at the reading.

"I don't deserve this," Edward commented before taking a long swallow of a beer. "He knew Alice all her life, it just...I just."

"Can't argue with him now so it's no use, son," Billy asserted.

"I already have everything I need and want," he responded as he reached for my hand and made eye contact.

I smiled at him.

"Then spend it on her," Billy answered back, nodding in my direction.

"Huh!" I reacted. "You will not be spending a dime of that on me. I have more than I know what to do with. I had no idea, no idea," I repeated in a mutter, shaking my head.

"Your pops raised you to be humble, and he would want you to carry on with your plans."

I nodded fervently. "I'm going to culinary school; I've wanted it for a while now." I squeezed Edward's hand and he ran his thumb over mine.

"Good."

Our food was delivered shortly thereafter and we all ate in silence. I marveled how my life had changed so much in the span of two months. I ached for my dad, missed him every day. I still shed tears frequently and I longed to see him smile, hear his sarcastic wit and complain about the constant barrage of sports on the television. Despite the utter longing for his presence, I couldn't deny that I was happy; I felt loved and wanted. Maybe I wasn't whole, I probably never would be, but I was as close as I could possibly get.


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter 35

"Is that the last one?" I asked as Edward walked through the door of my apartment with a box.

"Yep," he answered, smiling and adding the box to the pile in the center of the room.

The three weeks leading up to my move had passed at the speed of light. Everything blurred together. Edward was spending the weekend with me in order to help me get settled. I was already dreading our goodbye, loathing the idea of him not being accessible by a short drive.

He walked over and began massaging my shoulders. "Should we order pizza or something?"

I leaned into his hands, completely spent. "Yeah, that sounds like a plan. Let's just set up the bed tonight; the rest can wait."

He laughed and wrapped his arms around me. "I like the way you think." I turned around in his hold and met his eyes with mine.

"Well," I started, in a teasing tone. "You might not like it when my head hits the pillow and I'm instantly asleep."

He grimaced playfully, his head moving back. "That's exactly what I was thinking. Get your mind out of the gutter."

I laughed before reaching up with my lips to kiss him.

Thirty minutes later the bed was set up and the pizza had arrived. Time already seemed to be passing too quickly. After finishing up, the exhaustion hit me with an unrelenting force. I didn't even have the energy to get under the covers.

"Tired, baby?" Edward asked, running his fingertips gently down my arm.

I nodded weakly and he wrapped his arms around me.

"I don't want you to go..." I tapered off.

"I know, Bella. I know." It was the last thing I remembered before falling asleep in his arms.

I woke up having not moved, and by the looks of it, neither had Edward. His arm rested on my hip and the scent of him enveloped me. I studied the angles of his face as I watched him sleep, trying to soak up the time I had left by just enjoying the fact that he was there, with me. That was the moment it really set in; this was where I would be for the next three years. A pang of uncertainty struck me as I wondered if Edward and I would stand the test of time. I wasn't doubting the strength of what we had built, but things were about to change. I hadn't allowed myself to really think about how it could impact us, and we had avoided any discussion about it.

I was so lost in thought I hadn't even noticed he had opened his eyes. "What are you thinking about there." His voice was deep and raspy from sleep.

I felt myself frown in immediate response. "I'm just worried about things changing."

He laughed lightly. "You worry too much. We'll be okay."

There was a great deal of reassurance in his tone. I leaned into him as he wrapped his arms around my waist and curled himself around me. Nothing felt more like home than his arms, and I inhaled his scent deeply, committing his personal spice to memory.

After a while we hauled ourselves out of bed. Edward went out and brought back coffee and bagels, and we set to work unpacking.

We talked about Nathan and my upcoming classes. Occasionally, we were distracted by each other, but the more of his lips on mine I could get, the better.

By late afternoon, the house was nearly put away, just a few boxes left that I would tackle on my own. I could feel the time sifting away much too quickly, I wasn't ready for tomorrow to come.

"How about I take you to dinner?" Edward offered.

"I don't know if I have the energy."

"Anything you'd like," he tempted.

I looked up at him with wide eyes. "Sushi?"

He smiled at me in return. He knew it was my favorite, and we didn't have any sushi restaurants in Forks.

"I said anything, didn't I?"

"You know you want it!" I exclaimed, feeling my second wind arrive.

"I'm starved, should we just go?"

"Yep, just let me throw on some clean jeans and I'll be good."

A few minutes later we were in the car, headed to a place neither of us had tried. Edward sat next me, rather than across from me. We ordered a large hot saki and split a dark Japanese beer. After we ordered, we just sat there, making conversation, and for a little while I was able to put the thought out of my mind that he was leaving the following day. I reveled in the warmth and soothing touch of his hand on my back as I sipped my cold beer. These were the type of moments I had grown used to in our time together – the little unspoken reassurances that I wasn't alone, that there was someone that understood me. Everything we ordered was delicious, the fish tasted fresh; the salmon practically melted in my mouth. Once we were filled to the brim with fish, beer and saki, we paid up and made our way back home.

Maybe it was the smell of the leather seats of his car, mixed with the scent that was uniquely him, but as soon as we were on our way, it hit me again. I tried to hide my tears by turning my head to look out the window, but Edward already knew me too well for them to escape his notice.

He grabbed my hand, lacing his fingers with mine. "What's wrong?"

I wiped away the wetness with my free hand and turned to look at him. "I don't know if I can do this alone. The thought of you not being here...it's eating at me."

His reaction surprised me; he laughed.

"You think this is funny?" I asked, trying to hold in the anger beginning to boil at his display of mockery.

He shook his head. "No, that's not it at all. What's funny is that I know you can do this. I bet in a week you won't even be giving me a second thought."

"I still fail to see the humor in this."

"Okay, stubborn girl, let me break it down."

I stifled a laugh as he continued.

"How long did it take you to call me after my dad gave you my number?"

"A couple months."

"And who was so reluctant to let anyone else lift a finger or help clean up around the holidays?"

"Me," I conceded.

"Who fought for their dad as hard as he did, in the toughest moments?"

I felt my lip tremble. "I did."

"Bella, I only laughed because you are one of the strongest people I have ever met. That didn't go away when you let me in."

I smiled at him and squeezed his hand tightly. I felt my cheeks warm from the inside at how he saw me.  
"I am strong, aren't I?" I finally agreed.

"Yes, you are."

We pulled up to my new place and hurried back inside. Once there, Edward held me at the shoulders and looked me in the eye. "You can do this, Bella. I'm not going anywhere. We'll see each other on the weekends and we can talk every day."

There was so much conviction in his voice that it couldn't help but bleed into me.

"Every day?" I said with a laugh.

"Shut up," he answered before he leaned down to kiss me. The kiss was long and deep, his lips attached to mine, moving in sync. His tongue traced the outside of my lower lip and a soft moan escaped as I opened my mouth. I would never tire of kissing Edward. We stayed that way for what seemed like hours, though it ended much too quickly.

"Ready for bed?" he asked as he pulled back, his lips plump and his mouth red from our kiss.

"Always."

We made good use of our last night together, exploring each others bodies, not leaving even a patch of skin neglected. We finally fell asleep in the middle of the night, tangled up in the sheets and in each other. Normally when I slept, I liked my space, but this night was an exception. It was like I couldn't get close enough, even though there wasn't even a breath of space between us.

I woke up in the same position I had finally fell asleep in. Edward snored softly next to me, my left leg still draped across the top of him. I didn't want to move. I wanted to stay there and keep him like that as long as possible. I already felt the weight of his absence and the loss of his warmth encroaching. I couldn't think about saying goodbye or I might cry, and that was the last thing I wanted him to wake up to. I willed myself to lay there and was comforted by the pattern of his breathing while he slept, even if he was snoring.

He woke about twenty minutes later and greeted me with a kiss on top of the head.

"Hey," he said in his sexy morning rasp. His fingers had found there way into my hair; I would miss the way he played with it.

"Morning, Edward. Guess I wore you out last night," I played.

He tilted my chin up so that we were face to face and kissed me before answering. "Oh, I think we wore each other out."

We laughed together.

After a while we pulled our lazy butts out of bed, made coffee, and spent the late morning inside.

With every passing moment, my stomach churned a little bit more. I knew Edward had to leave around one. He had to check in with Nathan before the end of the day.

"Want to take a walk before I have to take off?" he asked.

"Okay."

It was gray and slightly gloomy outside, but it wasn't raining. We walked hand in hand, saying things here and there, but letting the foreboding charge in the air stagnate. By the time we made it back to my apartment, I knew it was time to say goodbye. He walked me up the stairs and back into my little place.

He looked at me pleadingly as he pushed a strand of my hair behind my ear.

"I love you," he said soothingly.

"I love you," I replied.

"I'll call you when I'm back in Forks, after I swing by to see Nathan."

I barely waited for him to finish his sentence before I flung my arms around his neck and pulled his face to mine. I was so busy trying to devour him, I bit his lip, drawing blood.

"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry," I said, horrified.

He broke out into a round of laughter, clutching his stomach where he stood.

"The..look...on your...faaace," he eked out, laughing uncontrollably.

I couldn't help laughing too.

When we finally stopped laughing, without a word, he took me into his arms and lifted me off of my feet as he hugged me.

"Is that your way of claiming me, Bella Swan?"

I nuzzled my face into the crook of his neck, my feet dangling above the ground.

"Maybe," I answered.

He kissed me again.

"I'm already yours," he said as he put me back down on my feet.

I shook my head in momentary disbelief at where we had ended up, _together._

"I'm ready for next weekend already," I said.

"Me too," he answered back.

We kissed again, this time I was gentler, and with one last squeeze, it was really time.

"Five days," he said.

I nodded and watched him walk out the door.

It was so hard not to burst into tears on the spot, but I remembered my strength through Edward's eyes and believed in the strength he had seen.

It was enough to keep me from losing it on my first night alone in Seattle.


End file.
